5 February 2013

why so blue?

I'm feeling a bit nervous today as I've got a meeting with my counsellor this afternoon and I haven't actually done all the things she asked me to do. I have done some of them and I've done stuff that wasn't on her list. But (probably needlessly) I'm now worried about what she's going to say.
She's probably not even allowed to be mad at me, as I'm in the early stages of counselling... 
There's this overwhelming urge I seem to have to please people. I didn't even fully realise I had it until I started this process of recovery. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but it's a pain when you know you haven't lived up to (your own idea of) other peoples expectations. This is when the voice in my head starts. The negative thoughts that drive me to hide away and pretend the problem will dissolve itself away as if by magic. There are so many things I wish I was stronger about, this is one of them. 
You see, that right there, that's me telling myself I'm not good enough. Again. I am trying to be more positive about myself, to focus on what I do well, to stop beating myself up all the time. It's a hard habit to break when you've done it for so long though. And everyone does it. Everyone has those little moments of self doubt where they need a bit of a hand to get over a hurdle. But if you do it all the time it's exhausting and damaging.
You know, I'm actually doing it right at this moment. By writing this post I'm avoiding dealing with something else I don't want to deal with.
I need to go and drop some stuff off at the Citizens Advice as they've been having a look at this whole "we're going to evict you because your house is untidy" malarkey. But my mum is one of the volunteers and, today, guess where she's working? Now, she knows all about what's going on, she's my mum and she's a lovely person. But I just don't want her to be the person that is helping me with this (and before you ask, no, it's not against their policy for volunteers to help their family members). I'd much rather the anonymity of a stranger. It's weirding me out. It's me doing this again though, as I don't need to see an adviser really, just to drop things off. She's likely to be busy with someone else and therefore I won't even see her at all. But I'm finding excuses again.
So basically today is going to be crappy because I am avoiding things in my own inimitable syle. Joy. 
I am slowly working myself to a standstill and then I will be worse off (again). So I'm off to the CAB where I'm probably not even going to see my mum and then I'm going to the counsellor. 
Oh, and I get to go to my new craft group after I've collected madam from nursery :-) 
There is always a good point if you look for it hard enough!    

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