on the blocks to studying

 

 

I think that picture completely sums up my studying... I have completely lost all my abilities to do it later on in the evening like I always used to, but on the flip side, I can't settle to it in the day either! Argh.

 

I've been working on the last few bits I need to do to complete my portfolio, but it just doesn't seem to be getting any nearer to being finished off. It's starting to really frustrate me!

 

I was hoping that I'd get the afternoon at college again, like last week, but that has completely not come off as my parents are gardening and need to get it done before the plants my dad has been baking in the conservatory for the last couple of weeks finally give up and die!

 

They also bought a new rose called "Hot Chocolate" yesterday which they have put in the gap the postman (and any other door to door people, of which there are many) uses to go from next door to here. It is very prickly, they're hoping the nice people will stop cutting across the garden and go round...

 

Madam is helping grandpa plant out some bluebells and crocuses atm... I think it's probably a bit late to be planting either, but I feel it's best I don't comment... Speaking of bluebells, I'm hoping to get up to Burton Bushes and show madam the bluebells there. There's usually a really good show at this time of year.

 

Anyway, back to my troubles with studying. I find that having depression means that my thoughts actually swish around in my head similar to an imperfectly set jelly. It won't hold it's shape if you take it out the mould, and we all know about trying to nail jelly to a wall.

 

So, I know all the information is in there. I can recall it when asked a specific question, but if I have to hunt through the contents of my mind to find something and then make it connect to something else it becomes a much more difficult task.

 

And also, because all my emotions are constantly heightened and I'm feeling everything at once some days then I'm shattered from all that effort of making my outside appear normal. The superb Hyperbole and a Half has written an amazing post about processing feelings whilst depressed I'm not sure my depression has ever been as deep as the authors obviously is/was, but the idea of making the effort to appear normal on the outside I identify with strongly.

 

Being shattered plus having no way of pinning down the jelly in my brain is really frustrating me. I have done some college work this week, but I always feel like I'm playing catch up somehow. I am incredibly glad that these blogs count towards my portfolio...

 

The strange thing was that last week at college the rest of the group were made aware of the blog I write and there were a couple who were interested in starting their own. I did say I'm not an expert in it, but that there were plenty of sites that guide you through it all. It'll be interesting to find put how many of them actually do go through with it.

 

Especially as we're having to say goodbye to each other and I know that I will miss everyone in the group. We've become more than just a teaching group. This is probably to do with the very personal nature of some of the things we talk about. The shared experiences we've been through.

 

And I'm so pleased we've made it. I think it seems so long since we started out on this quest. I know how terrified I was of walking in that room for the first time. The fear of the unknown, of how I might be judged. I had no confidence, just the knowledge that I wanted to do this for me and to give myself an experience to be proud of.

 

I was hopeful that it would prepare me for a job within the field and that it would be an extension of other skills that I hold. It was so much different to how I thought it would be, but I put that down to my personal demons than the course. The inner struggle I have constantly to battle with was actually unacknowledged at the start. And after I did seek help things got much easier for me.

 

The tutor has been so good with all of us. I am so appreciative of the extra time she has given me and spent on bolstering my fragile self esteem. I have felt nurtured and cared for which I can't say I've ever experienced from a tutor before. I wish I'd been able to share the things that were causing blocks to me sooner. I might have been able to put less stress on myself.

 

I didn't intend (again) for this post to be so rambling, I do apologise for the lack of focus! Here is a picture of some big cats in boxes to make up for it!

 

 



college is nearly over

I spent the large part of my day at college yesterday, I was lucky enough to have the chance to just concentrate on my portfolio for an afternoon. I think that, other than some cross referencing that I need to get finished and a couple of short summaries I need to add, I'm ready to hand it in next week!

 

Part of the course is to do practise sessions to use the skills that we're learning. I had to do my final skills practise in front of my tutor yesterday and despite being nervous about having to be observed by the tutor I think I managed it quite well.

 

I was speaking with another member of the group and had to act as her client first as she was being assessed too. I find I can talk to this person really easily and we have a few shared experiences that we've spoken about before.

 

I find when I'm talking I can talk much more freely with her than with other members of the group. And it's not because of any thing that they do or don't do, it's more this understanding and empathy that she manages to give me. It's mainly because she was the first person I really spoke to about my depression, I think.

 

I then had to play the counsellor role and although I was still very aware of the tutor being there I did find myself mainly becoming absorbed in what J was saying and I was very sorry that I had to bring our session to a close as we'd run out of time. I was mainly happy with how I had performed in the session, but was aware of things that I would have liked to have done better.

 

There were moments when I was listening when J was quite emotional and I found it very difficult not to let the friend part of our relationship encroach. To some extent I find it difficult to be objective when it's someone you have a personal relationship with. It's never nice having to sit and see someone being upset, but particularly hard when it's a friend.

 

I am really glad I've managed to get to the end of the course as there have been moments where I just didn't think I would make it. I've managed to get over my desire to run away and I am really glad that I am going to be there to see it through.

 

Based on the first week were I went in terrified of what I had got myself in to, but determined to better myself. I have come a long, long way. I have admitted to my depression and am on my way to recovery. I have made some really good friends who I hope to stay in touch with going forward.

 

I have learnt some really interesting things and I have discovered a desire to learn more about them. Including an interest in psychology and how the personality is formed. I wish that I could go on to do the next level in September, but I can't afford it and have no way of raising £500ish before then.

 

So I think I'll just go with trying to find a job where I can put the skills I've learnt into practise. My ideal would be to work within a secondary school, I'm interested in giving teenagers someone they can talk to. I don't think there is enough support for them. Or at least, that they don't access the help that exists as they don't know about it. So that's my plan. Just hope I can find someone who will employ me...

 

Cause I hear that jobs are just so easy to come by at the moment. Still. 

  

how perfectionism leads to procrastination

Yesterday on twitter I saw this picture shared and I loved it so much that I really wanted to share it with you

I don't know where it actually came from, but it makes me feel better :)

 

I don't really have time to write a proper post today, there are far too many things I've got going on. Thursday is a bit of a rush for us. I tend to have a lazy morning with madam and then we have to get ready for her to go to gymnastics at 4 and me to be at college by 6. I just have to drive us from my parents house down to gymnastics then back across town at rush hour.

 

Then I have to go across to the other side of town to get to college (still in rush hour traffic). Now this town is not big. If it was a normal trip each of those journeys would probably take no more than 10 minutes tops. In rush hour they both take a good 20 minutes if not more. This isn't that long, I know. But I only have an hour to do this.

 

And madam's gymnastics quite often overruns. I have to (almost literally) throw her out at my parents and get straight off again so that I can get to college in time to at least get myself a coffee before class.

 

And I'm still behind on my work so I have that to deal with every time I go. I hate knowing that I'm behind. This course is important to me and my hideous procrastination seems to be trying to make me fail.

 

According to FlyLady procrastination comes from perfectionism. Which sounds counter intuitive, but I can understand it. Because you want to do something properly (perfectly) and you don't think you can you put off doing it until you think you can achieve that perfection. And as anyone who knows anything will be able to tell you, the perfect time never comes.

 

So I've decided that I can't keep on making things worse for myself. I'm going to the library tonight and finishing off the work that I have to get done. Then I can have that off my head for the Easter break. I use that time (I really will) to catch up on the worksheets (there aren't many) and my reflections journals.

 

I can't decide whether to print off all my blogs and add them to the personal study part of my portfolio as they are evidence of personal growth and evolution of self. But maybe that's not necessary... I dunno.

 

So my question is, do you think they're worth including or not? 

writing for britain!

One more day got through, one more day further forward. I was having quite a good day really, yesterday, but I'm just so exhausted at the moment I feel like I'm wasting these good days and should be doing more with them.

 

My daughter was back at nursery yesterday and for the first time this year we managed to get ourselves up and organised and out of the house actually on time. We even got to school early! I feel better knowing that we're not rushing so much in the morning, it was much less shouty and we were both in much better moods to start the day.

 

I did the weekly shop with my parents and came home and actually stayed in the house for a bit rather than my usual trick of chucking the fridgeable stuff in the fridge and then going out to avoid the chaos.

 

I'm trying to get myself into that habit as, if I can at least face the chaos, then maybe I can make a decent start on it. I had some lunch and pottered a bit then escaped towards the free wifi and safety of caffe nero!

 

I picked madam up, trooped her home and she fell asleep leaning on me on the sofa. It's a rare event now really, her napping. And I love it so much as it gives me some peace and quiet (I was writing some more of my story) and gives me an excuse to nap too!

 

I think I got a good 45 minutes snooze in, but she managed 2 hours. And yes, she did pretty much go to bed as usual last night. We even got up on time again this morning. I'm so impressed with us :)

 

Last night I had my writing head on again and wrote and wrote and wrote until I was happy enough with chapter 3 to be able to share it with you all. (The links for it are around somewhere if you fancy a read).

 

But I'm going to have to stop writing what I want to write and get on with writing what I'm supposed to be writing. My college work in particular. I'm not behind on it, but I'm not really on top of it either. And the end date seems to be approaching fast. I have my next assignment to finish and then I have the worksheets to bring up to date and my reflections journals too. It's quite a lot of individual small bits of work and if I don't tackle it, it'll turn into a monster.

 

Now, I have always been a do it all at the last minute kind of person, but this course is really important to me and I don't want to cock it up because I'm rushing.

 

To that end I came up to college this morning so that I could concentrate on my assignment and get some really good progress made. But I didn't bring my notes with me. D'oh! Useless.

Instead I'm going to print off some information on what I need and then hopefully that'll be enough to at least make some progress...

 

Although, given this is a library, there's quite a lot of distractions in here and I'm having trouble concentrating. I shall persevere until lunch, but then I shall head out. The thing in here that is emitting a high pitched beeping is going right through me...

 

A bit of positivity for your day. Watching a four year old choose an outfit for her day is a really great way to start your day with a smile. She chose to put her schooliform on in the end, but we did go through some interesting options first! :)