Lifestyle - A New Beginning

I have an announcement!

*clears throat*

I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!

My volunteering has paid off and I finally managed a right place/right time ultimate combo. The main selling point? My degree. Yup, the one I have always been slightly unhappy about. 

Don't get me wrong, I loved doing it and I wouldn't swap those experiences for anything. But I have never used it. I was all for going into Heritage Management after qualifying but then realised the route into the industry is fraught with broken dreams and living like a pauper for more years than I was willing to. 

So I did what most people do in that situation. Put my dreams on hold until there was a "right time" and got a proper job. I then spent numerous years working in a restaurant and dreaming of escape. I focused on education as I'd always thought I might like to teach. I applied for a couple of graduate schemes to become a French teacher but always fell down at the final hurdle. 

I retrained (whilst still working at the restaurant) and got myself a CELTA. Which is a foundation level qualification and the basic minimum for a job teaching English as a foreign language. 

I lived in Greece for a bit, came home, got married, ended up back at the restaurant again because I needed a job. Escape was so hard when there were bills to be paid. I dreamed some more, but just couldn't wiggle free. I spent a summer teaching English in the week and full-time in the restaurant at weekends (clocking up 70hr weeks in the process). 

I got pregnant and it was then I saw my chance. I *couldn't* go back to the restaurant. It just didn't fit around my childcare needs. But then they closed my restaurant whilst I was on maternity leave and I managed to get a payout for leaving a job I'd had no intention of returning to. Bonus. 

And then, to quote a well known TV theme tune 'my life got flipped, turned upside down'. I ended up a single parent and have battled with my own mental health for a few years. Last October my daughter turned five and the government insisted I look for a job. Now, I had been planning for this moment for a while and had tried to make myself more employable.

I started this blog because I was doing a counselling skills course and realised how depressed I was and how much I needed an outlet. That course was supposed to lead me to a job last summer, before the Jobcentre would ever need to be involved, but sadly it didn't. All the jobs I'd seen the year before that needed that qualification were not advertised. Bugger. 

I, therefore, dutifully signed on in the October to get my Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) and started the long, slow process of regaining employment.

I discovered the amount of skills I have puts a lot of employers off. And the government's insistence on focussing on the young unemployed by creating endless schemes to help them into jobs (which is great if you're 16-24) means employers have created millions of apprenticeships where there used to be entry level positions. 

Not so great if you're 36 and looking for a job. Any job, but don't have industry specific skills. I was a manager in a restaurant I can do admin. Possibly with my eyes closed. Have I had one single response to any of those applications? Nope. 

And then a teeny, tiny light in the dark. I found a secondary school (my preferred age range) that wanted volunteer Teaching Assistants. Perfect! I emailed over my application and a mere half an hour later they rang to offer me an interview! 

I finally started at the beginning of the summer term doing Wednesdays and Thursdays with the year 7 nurture group. I have genuinely enjoyed all of it. Even those days where I've (briefly) wished I was allowed to throttle them. And then at the end of June an advert appeared on their website. 

I, obviously, jumped at the chance. Made sure it was the best application I could do. Handed it in. Waited.

Is there anything worse than waiting?

I got so nervous one of the other TAs marched me up to the HR office so I could ask if the shortlist was ready. It was. And I was on it. Twice! 

Unbeknownst to me there were jobs going in three different areas. The Academy itself, the Intervention team (this has nothing to do with sitting your friend down and telling them you're concerned with their drug/alcohol use) and finally the Aspire project. 

Aspire is a free school that is opening in Hull in September. It is based around the Academy's Christian ethos that all students deserve to be taught. Even the ones who have been excluded from their own schools. It is taking pupils from all over the city with behavioural issues that have seen them excluded or at risk of exclusion from year 6 and up (that's 10/11yr olds up to 18yr olds.) 

And, here's the important bit, they will *all* be studying Leisure and Tourism. My degree subject! After so long with *no-one* caring about my degree having an interview panel (a member of each of those 3 different areas) all be excited by my degree. And that I carried my French up to my second degree year. And that I have counselling skills was a little pleasing, it has to be said. 

And then yesterday I got the phone call I had been praying for. I've been taken on to work at Aspire. I can't tell you just how exciting this is for me. I'm so proud of myself for not letting my anxieties stop me from pursuing something I *knew* I could be good at. And because I'll be at Aspire the chances of career progression are slightly higher. 

Moving in to teaching L&T could be a real prospect. And I'm not even scared by the idea any more. Plus, if I can make it through at least 2 years at Aspire, I think I could probably work anywhere! 

I have spent the last two weeks saying "if I get this job..." and planning so many nice things. First up, a holiday for madam and I. Not until next summer. But an actual holiday! My mum and dad have promised to finance a car for me. And I have been browsing dinky, just for madam and I, cars on auto trader. 

And finally, I've been work wear planning :) I have created a Pinterest board which you can have a look at if you fancy... 

I am crazy happy at the moment and just want to thank everyone for being so supportive (and enthusive) whilst I've been going through this process. 

As an aside, it is almost exactly six years since I went on maternity leave. I would never have imagined everything that has happened since then. But I am so ready for a change! 

Love, Pearl.

A New Year's Eve Summary

It's New Year's Eve today. I am deciding whether to attempt drunkeness on my own or whether it is just quite pathetic to sit alone with a bottle of red wine, a Harry Potter marathon and possibly my five year old...

I will definitely manage the Harry Potter marathon and I'm guessing the five year old will insist on staying up as long as she can... I do have a bottle of red that has been hanging around at home for ages and ages and now seems as good a time as any to drink it.

I have had an interesting year full of highs and lows as ever. I think I can safely say that some of the littlest things have made me most happy. Spending time with good friends, improving my crochet techniques, teaching myself new things, trying new recipes. I think my post from the other day  is probably the best illustration of where I am now.

Although, to be fair, I try new recipes all the time! It doesn't always work as well as I hope it will. Last night's strangely bland potatoes being a case in point. How can potatoes cooked in buttered stock and thyme not have flavour? Well, I achieved it. The experimental barbecue chicken worked a treat though... 

Worst moments? Probably during my college course earlier in the year, it stirred up so many strong emotions in me. I spent a lot of time thinking about myself which, athough in the long term was helpful, was hard to get through. I think this post probably sums up some of that darkness that still haunts me.

Although, those feelings are retreating more and more and I go longer between the utter blackness that surrounded me more times than I care to think about this time last year. I hope that there will be more improvements at this point next year. 

Maybe I'll even have found a job and a new boyfriend! Stranger things have happened after all...

  

a Christmas as myself

I have been away for far too long and have been itching to post a couple of things from this last week... It has, of course, been Christmas and I have been distracted by that! 

I went to Midnight Mass on Tuesday evening with my friend V. We do this most years but have missed the last few mainly because of madam being too little. This year I knew she would sleep through and that mum and dad wouldn't have a small screaming child on their hands. 

So having told the parents I was going to MM they were both surprised when V rang the bell at 11pm to collect me. I was slightly amused. We were joined in our trip by V's brother and his wife which was lovely as I haven't seen them for ages and certainly not since before they were married. 

We got to the church in reasonable time and even managed to get a space in the church car park, which is ridiculously small in comparison to the size of the church/congregation. V and I have always loved sitting at the front as we get a good view of what is going on and also we used to be able to see the baby Jesus being placed in the nativity at midnight. 

Sadly, they now do a crib service earlier in the day and place Jesus in the scene then, and they've also moved it to a different part of the church to make it more accessible. This, obviously, prompts a "gosh, Jesus is premature" response every year. Yeah, I am that person...

Anyway, we took up our usual front-ish row seats and settled down to wait for the start of the service. We did our usual gossiping and V did her now customary "I really want to dust that" at the organ screen. (She's right, it's awful, but a very fiddly and delicate job).

We sang a couple of hymns and listened to a couple of readings and then it was time for the sermon. We knew it was going to be interesting when the vicar started off telling us about the "words of the year" that have been added in to the Oxford English Dictionary. We both rather hoped that he would refrain from explaining/demonstrating twerking!

He culminated in what has been the word of the year. Selfie. He explained what it was and how ubiquitous it has become. Though I don't think it's as new a phenomenon as people try and make out. I have a couple of selfies of me and V from when we were about 17! Anyway, he then went on to explain that the birth of Christ was God's version of a selfie.

o_0

I had to cover my face with the order of service pamphlet. I also had to clamp my mouth shut so I didn't laugh out loud. I took one look at V and that set me off again. 

About halfway through the sermon the chimes sounded for midnight and V and I wished each other a Merry Christmas. I have always loved seeing the day in like that. But whilst I was sitting there, listening to the vicar waffle on and wishing V a merry christmas at the exact same time she said it to me, I realised something.

I felt totally myself.

For the first time in such a long time. That giggling, silly, easy familiarity and love of good friends finally got through and made me feel better. I came home after the service and had the quiet of the house to myself. I sat and wrapped parcels and placed them under the tree and instead of the underlying loneliness that usually accompanies me everywhere I just felt blessed to be having this quiet time.

I don't for a moment think that I am completely back to myself, but I've finally got to a place where it's becoming easier to feel it. I'm hoping this means that by this time next year I might, finally, be more myself than not :) 

how can a year go so quickly?

I genuinely thought that after madam went to school full time I would get more chance to blog and maybe I would be able to make my blog something really interesting... But no. I seem to neglect it for days on end now.

 

This, I suppose is in part due to just how busy life seems to have become, what with starting to do actual job hunting type activities. But also I think because I am becoming more well in myself.

 

The whole reason I even began to blog was because of my depression and how it was affecting me. I felt like I was hiding from the world and needed somewhere that I could express myself and begin to feel more normal again. And I think it has really helped me. I have learned to be able to look at myself in a different way.

 

But do you know what has really helped? Twitter. Yes, that's right, the worlds favourite micro-blogging site (WTF *does* that mean? It's a chat room for crying out loud...). But over the last year I have met and befriended so many people who show me nothing but kindness and encouragement. Supporting all my endeavours and just generally being lovely. It's the community I always wanted to live in, full of like-minded souls.

 

Obviously, my lovely friends who I have known for years have all been a massive part of it too. But Twitter even comes into that too. We are now more capable of staying in touch than we ever have been before, and we can talk as a group which is *almost* as good as having them all there together.

 

 

It is just over a year since I first came out as being depressed. I had struggled alone for quite some time before then. I am amazed at the difference a year can make. At about this point last year I was sitting crying, almost uncontrollably, in a café. My lovely friend picked me and madam up and brought us to her house for tea. I still can't thank her enough for how much that meant to me.

But now, although my demons aren't all defeated, I'm so much happier. My feelings of being overwhelmed all the time have subsided. I am finding I have some of my confidence back. I have applied for a couple of jobs (sadly, not successfully) and I think I can fight my own corner a bit more.

My beautiful, crazy, cheeky little girl has just turned 5 and I feel like a new start is upon us. I have started making the proper moves to go back to my maiden name. I am determined to draw a line under the end of my relationship. I *finally* have lost those feelings for him that were making that so hard.

I will always care about him. But as the father of my child not a partner. I finally feel free of him. And having my real name, as it were, is going to be a part of that. I feel like, with this blog, I have spent a lot of time giving you progress reports. And having to really think about me, who I am, how things have changed has done me no end of good.

I think that now I am here this blog is starting to go in another different direction. It will always be a place for me to think things through, and for me to ask questions I feel I need to, but mostly it's becoming a crafting type blog! I have another finished project for you to see, but I'll just finish this bit first...

I am so thankful for all your support. Thank you for helping me realise that life is sometimes shit, but always worth it. Thank you for being there, I hope if you ever need me I can be there for you. Thank you to whoever it was who invented Twitter and for it giving me a space to meet people who are just like me, only different and wonderful all at the same time.

(This is a really big, aww, you guys *group hug* type of post!)

So, project! I have crocheted a new hat for myself (I may need to do one for a couple of other people too (that would be one each, not to share!)). The pattern came from Ravelry. If you're into knitting/crochet it is a great site to sign up to... So many patterns!

The pattern I used was one of the free ones that is available. It's called Polar Hat and is by Pippa Wilson. It comes from her blog and you can find it here if you're interested. It's a really quick make, I made it in an evening. It uses chunky weight yarn and an 8mm hook. Her version is a rather fabulous orange, but I chose a James C. Brett marble in shades of purple for mine.

And here it is:

wow, cheesy grin or what!

It has a very small brim that gives it that bit more interest than a beanie. I made mine very slightly bigger as I have a big head! I would imagine that her design would fit almost everyone else though...

Whaddya think?  



shop til you drop and never be boring

I decided to give myself a couple of days away from blogging as that last post kind of got a bit intense.

As it turned out I was so busy on Tuesday I wouldn't have had any time to even attempt to squeeze out a post. The reason? I shopped! And I really hit it, madam and I had a whole day in Hull so that I could go round everywhere I wanted.

 

I started by taking madam to the cinema for the kids showing in the morning. It was The Croods, which we have actually seen once before, but she'd loved it so going to see it was still a treat. We then had a slight bus fail in that the first stop we waited at was only served by buses in the evening (there was no signage at the stop, and I'd been told they were every 15 minutes).

 

So we had to walk over to the big Asda nearby and got on the first bus that came past. This bus was also a bad choice. We went around all the estates in that part of the city (Kingswood, Bransholme and Sutton Park) and then finally into the city centre.

 

By which point madam was ready to eat her own arm so we headed straight for lunch. We probably both ate twice as fast as normal! Never mind... So then I got to shop :) I went in the first shop and there was so much stuff I liked it was a bit hard to know where to start! I did steer myself away from the beautiful formal dress that had a butterfly wing print on it. But it was hard. I also stepped away from a cute owl print dress that I wasn't sure about the colour of.

 

But I did find a beautiful purple jersey dress that had only come in that morning. A couple of pairs of leggings as mine are all very tired. A pretty, dark blue top with a bird print. Then we moved on. I took madam into Princes Quay and promised her an ice cream from the shop she likes.

 

Sadly, their freezer was broken and they only had some mango sorbet, which madam didn't fancy... So she was dragged around the shop I wanted to go in in there with the promise that the very next thing we did would be find her that ice cream.

 

She amused herself by trying on some very large bras and rearranging their sale footrwear! I got a pair of slouch jeans that are ridiculously comfy and may be my favourite pair of jeans ever! They're not very smart though (obviously). And I picked up a set of bracelets that were in a half price basket by the till. They were prices at £12.50 but went through the till at £3! Bargain.

 

 

 

The only place I could think of that would definitely have ice cream that wasn't too much further was Thornton's. So we sat outside in the sunshine and at large and drippy cones :) It was good...

 

I then wandered along to New Look in the hope of finding another cheapo watch. But they didn't have any. Madam mainly tried on handbags and cuddled the legs of some of the mannequins! She's a bit odd, that one!

 

I took her into a memorabilia shop as I wanted to get her something wee for behaving so well for me. But it was all just that bit more than I wanted to pay, or inappropriate. Though she was really desperate for me to get her a Wonder Woman teddy thing. Too expensive, and she does *not* need any more teddies!

 

So we went to HMV to see if they had a cheap DVD she might like. And they did! She went and chose Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, without any influence from me. I found Willow so we got that as well :)

 

By which point we were exhausted and headed home for tea!

 

Yesterday, we went to the local Freeport in Hornsea (an outlet village) and got madam some shoes for school. And my dad bought us an ice cream (it's been a bit of an ice cream week!). I also got handed a bag and told I'd bought dad his Christmas present. Which was generous of me...

 

Today we went to a Teddy Bears Picnic at the Country Park. We were lucky that the weather held out for us this week, as last week's Butterfly Safari had been a washout. Madam did some painting and she had her face painted. She insisted she needed to be a purple cat. With pink details. She didn't want to be boring...

 

 

 

There is never any fear of that with madam around! We ate our picnic whilst watching the puppet show and then because we were both quite hot and weary by this point (there wasn't very much shade where we were) we decided to pack up and head back to my parents to give the car back. We did force ourselves to have an ice cream to cool us down on the walk back to the car though...

 

So, what have you been up to?

 



in the quiet of the night

I wrote this last night, be aware, a whole nights sleep works wonders!

 

 

 

I have had the evening pretty much to myself. Madam fell asleep almost straight after tea at my parent’s house. We left her about an hour and then transferred her back to our place. I got her straight into bed and read her a story and despite protesting that she really wasn’t tired after all, didn’t hear a peep from her after I left the room…

 

Not tired though…

 

I was downstairs and on my own by 8pm! This hasn’t happened in like, a year. I gave it a good twenty minutes before I was confident I really could relax. I borrowed the Hobbit DVD from my parents and have been watching that. I’ve also been doing some crocheting so I’m feeling quite calm and relaxed.

 

I’m making a scarf, not sure why. Just felt like it. I’m trying to practice joining the motifs as I make them so that I don’t have the boring task of sewing them all together at the end. It’s going well so far, I think.

 

I had forgotten just how good it feels to have the better part of my evening alone. Especially as, since madam’s bed broke last week, I have to share my bed at the moment. For the first time in an absolute age I might actually be ready to go to bed before 2am, even despite all the caffeine my mum has fed me today! That woman does like a strong coffee…

 

I have been left with thinking space, though. And once the film finished and everything was quiet then my brain decided to start ticking over. And it’s ticked onto the quietness is bad setting and is now screaming things at me so loudly that all my nice relaxing is being put to waste.

 

So that’s why I’m writing this now, in the quiet and the dark, so that maybe my brain will click off again soon and I might get that restful sleep I so need. I have a feeling I might be out of luck.

 

I have my music on to push the quiet away, and I’m deliberately listening to upbeat stuff, I know what my triggers are…

 

When did it get to be that the quiet was my enemy though? I like peace and quiet and seek tranquillity out for the most part. But now I’m suddenly being beaten around the head with all my negative thoughts and I wish I was somewhere, anywhere, else.

 

Want to know what it is that I’m thinking? Maybe if I write it down I’ll be able to get it to move one.

 

First off, the big one, that hides behind everything I do and is always just under the surface. I am alone. And lonely. The quiet just brings it out. There is no noise because there is no-one else here. I am alone because I was left behind by a man who doesn’t know how to care about me and that I still have feelings for, even though they are fading.

 

Which brings us to: No-one will ever love me because I am obviously unlovable and not good enough to care about. I am unlovable because I am fat and disgusting. I should just hide from the world; it doesn’t need me and doesn’t miss me.

 

I am useless; I don’t have a job or a purpose and make no contribution. I take what the state gives me and I give nothing back. I sit on my arse and I let the world go on without me. Because it doesn’t even need me.

 

I am not good enough. I don’t deserve the good things I have.

 

I was hoping I might think of some ways of arguing with myself, but it hasn’t worked. The voices are too loud and I am too weak. I know – I believe – that my mind is playing tricks on me. But it’s so hard to switch it off… Quick, think of something positive

 

I can’t

 

I really can’t

 

Gah! Think! Positive!

 

This Too Shall Pass

Still I Rise

I am strength and resilience…

I am loved.

 

 

 

 

 

And so to bed.

it takes courage

I started writing quotes out. They were supposed to be inspirational and I wanted to have them somewhere to help motivate me. I started off using some Michael Jackson lyrics and quotes as he’s been my biggest influence for the longest time.

Funnily enough, one of my twitter friends quoted a whole load of his lyrics the other day and pointed out how aggressive they were. I had never really noticed that particular trait before. But I guess that became the trigger for this need I had.

And also, today on twitter the @michaeljackson account used a quote about books of his that I’d never read before.

“I love to read. I wish I could advise more people to read. There’s a whole other world in books”

Now, this is apparently not the full quote (as I found out from doing a little research). But, you know, 140 characters isn’t much! The full quote finishes:

“If you can’t afford to travel, you travel mentally through reading. You can see anything and go any place you want to in reading.”

I found a whole load of other things he said that are sometimes rather vomit inducing, but sweet and naïve at the same time. Now, I’m not writing this post as a love letter to MJ (and I so could write one, even now). More as a jumping off point.

I started finding darker quotes and I found myself latching on to them instead of just the positives I was looking for. And I didn’t really notice at first, because it was still MJ lyrics. And I know them all, but I’m a bit rusty about some of them. The more I looked for them, the more I remembered.

And then a lyric that I had fixated on in my youth came up. It’s from the song “Who Is It?” which in itself is quite a dark song. About a guy wanting to know why his lover has left, whether it was something he did or was it someone else. It was a song that didn’t have a video when it was released as it was considered too dark to make one for.

Well, for MJ it’s dark, anyway… But if you bought the Dangerous short films collection (and you all know already that I did) then it was on there. And in the video the girl is depicted as a high class escort that MJ has fallen for. It’s quite odd and quite beautiful. In black and white. And the bass line of the song really drives it along.

But that lyric that jumps out at me, and clings and grows and twines comes at the start of the second verse. He sings:

“I am the damned. I am the dead. I am the agony inside a dying head.”

I remember, at 14, that I drew this in art class. I got an A* for it. Probably the only one I ever got in art.  I drew a skull with the top removed and two people standing on the brain using axes/hammers (don’t remember) on it. In the eye sockets I drew a flaming yin/yang sign in one and a broken heart in the other.

I was really proud of that drawing, unfortunately the school lost my drawing pad and I was devastated. Some of the best portraits I’d ever done were in there…

You can probably guess from how much that lyric got to me that I was quite an intense 14 year old! I guess it was partly where I see my depression starting. I think teenage depression is too easily missed as just an annoying phase or something that can be snapped out of. I’m not sure at any point in my life after the teenage years have I ever felt anything as deeply or obsessively. Nothing.

And the deep feelings were definitely unleashed with puberty. I was given a Walkman (a Walkman!) as my 14^th birthday present and I bought the cassette of Dangerous with my birthday money. This was one of only about 3 or 4 tapes I owned. And from that day on I had the earphones plugged in almost constantly. I went from being quite open to being shut into my own head.

I closed my bedroom door, I’d never really been bothered before. And I left my life behind. I was lost in a fantasy world as soon as that door shut. I imagined all sorts of things for myself. But mostly I imagined myself with MJ. I was a singer and sang all his songs with him, I was his friend, his lover, his wife. I am sure that (not necessarily with MJ) loads of teenage girls and boys around the country live in this same world. When I was 14 all the other girls were in love with Take That…

And that life was everything to me. I didn’t care about mine that much. I had great friends and spent loads of time with them. But I always went straight back there as soon as I could. I, for some unfathomable reason, carried an A4 folder with me wherever I went that contained pictures and lyrics I’d written out.

I was the ultimate fangirl. And I wanted so badly for it to be real. But it never was. No matter how many nights I lay awake wishing I lived somewhere else. No matter how many pictures I drew or posters I collected. I often wonder whether I would have survived the teen years if the internet had been available to me. How would I have coped if he had passed away then…

But I have digressed. Quite a long way! I started off with quotes, so maybe I should try and end with them instead. I wanted to be inspired. I found these:

“Every day create your history. Every path you take you’re leaving your legacy” – MJ, History

“it is better to fail in originality, than to succeed in imitation.” – MJ

And then the MJ ones started getting away from me…

“in my darkest hour, in my deepest despair, will you still care, will you be there?” – MJ, Will You Be There?

“how does it feel when you’re alone and you’re cold inside?” – MJ, Stranger in Moscow.

So I thought I should stop that (there’s obviously the Who Is It? one, as well). And I just looked for quotes from anyone. And something I’d found the other day wandered into my head.

“not all those who wander are lost” – JRR Tolkien.

I like that. I feel like my life is something I’m wandering through. I’m not a straight down the line kind of a girl…

“it takes courage to grow up and be who you truly are” ee. cummings. (his name is always lower case when I see it written). This is the quote where I decided to stop. Because this is what I’m trying to do at the moment. Be me, grow up, whichever, both. And cummings also wrote my favourite poem, so I like that continuity.

Inspiration comes from all sorts of places and people. Why don’t you go and find something you can keep with you on your adventures.

I think, therefore I am...

 
 

 

 

Dear Reader,

 

I have been doing pondering about my blogging again, so I thought today's post should be about that. Rather than more holiday funz with madam...

 

When I started writing I was hoping to manage a post a day, but I guess that was slightly naïve of me, given I have no proper internet access at home (and I don't like the blogger app). But I have managed, for the most part to get out at least 5-6 posts a week.

 

The blog has picked up a few regular readers (Hellooo!) and a couple of people have taken the time out to comment on some of what I've written (thank you). I think I have managed to be vaguely funny.

 

I am missing being able to blog at the moment, it's making me feel cramped and slightly stressy. I also feel like I'm talking about madam all the time when this blog is supposed to be about me. That sounds a selfish statement, but I guess what I mean is that I wanted to use this as a forum for my many and rapid thoughts in order to slow them down and organise them a bit better.

 

But lately (especially whilst we're on school holidays) everything seems to be about madam. And I'm not sure I'm happy with that. I love talking about her, but am aware that that isn't necessarily what other people may be interested in. It's hard when I'm spending all day with her to have space for anything else.

 

And having re-read yesterday's post I realised that I have started to sound like one of those boring people who thrust photos of their kids/pets/holidays onto people. Not cool, Pearl, not cool.

 

I also feel like I've been rushing my posts (mainly because I have) and that they are now not as well structured or sort-of thought out as they were. I have always had a habit of bouncing from one topic to another it's part of why I need to work on my focussing, but it's getting out of hand. I shall strive to be better...

 

And what do I want to do now? Well, I quite want to try and re-focus on my growth and development (I'm trying very hard not to use "personal journey", because, ugh). I'd like to be able to interact more with the people who do read my blog.

 

I see this post as a message to those of you who are interested in me and my ramblings, I want to be something you enjoy reading, not something you do because you are my friend (though I'll take anything I can get!). I'd like to know what it is that makes you bother to read on and what it is that annoys you (constant insecurity on my part, probably).

 

I enjoy writing this blog, and I will carry on regardless, but it would be nice to be able to have a discussion with you all. Through twitter or on here, I'm not fussed. I do promise to stop rambling on about every little thing my child does, though she will still feature as she is good entertainment! But I don't want her to go grow up and be embarrassed about what her mum wrote about her on the internet! 

 

I have tried to put everything that worries me into one post so I don't write another one like this too soon down the line! Basically, less focus on madam and more on what I'm thinking/feeling/struggling with. 

 

Does that sound good to you?

 

(and yes, those are my pondering faces... or perhaps I was bored, one or the other!)     

a review of my life now

a laptop and a coffee cooler, this bloggers essentials (though I only get to drink those when I have enough money!)

 

 

Today is post number 150. Its been making me think about how much this blog has changed since I started it. I started initially in the midst of a depression. I was unhappy and feeling so low and quite worthless. I was living in the most awful mess and worrying constantly about it.

 

I was facing some horrible truths about my life and self and I just didn't know where to start or how I would cope. But I have been doing. And though my problems are still not completely fixed and my house is still something I battle with, I feel much more in control of my life again.

 

The blog has become less about deep and meaningful thoughts and more about things that I have enjoyed. And I'm proud of that. Proud of where I have come from and that somehow (with a lot of help from my lovely friends and family) I seem to be getting my life back on track. I can now start planning the next phase of my life. Because I seem to have been on pause for a rather long time.

 

It also seems to have become somewhere for me to share my various craft projects and current obsessions. (Don't forget, I have a book on Celtic Crafts to get through :)).

 

Currently, madam and I are watching Lilo and Stitch on a daily basis and madam asked me yesterday whether her family is broken, I had to tell her that, yes, it is.

 

 

But I told her that really family is about the people who love you and who care about you. And I told her that she had so many people who loved her very much that she was going to wish it was smaller soon enough!

 

And we are going to be ok. The separation we had from K for all the years he was in America was very different from how the situation is now. But we're moving forward. And the more I find myself again, the less he bothers me. I have always known it was his loss that madam and I were his cast-offs, but it was hard to remember sometimes when we were having a particularly bad day.

 

But many things have changed. Madam has grown so much in the last year at school (and not just upwards). She is still as insanely annoying as she ever was, but she is much more able to apply herself to a task and she's learned to show her compassionate side more often.

 

She still has her insatiable curiosity and her complete inability to listen to a word I say...

 

And once she is at full time school come September another new phase of our life will start. I will have to be much more aggressive about looking for work and more realistic about where my life is really going. We still may or may not be moving house at some point (the court case has still not come up). But I am not as afraid about it. I feel more like I will cope with it, whatever happens.

 

I am not as out-of-control as I was. And I have been off my medication for a while without bad things happening to me! I am starting to be able to look forward to where my life might go rather than being afraid of the unknown...    

 



gym and slim

Yesterday, I mentioned I went for a gym induction, which was actually on Tuesday (confusing, I know). I have decided that as my general fatness refuses to just magically melt away I maybe need to start putting a bit more effort into it.

 

My mum has been going to a specific gym for a while and has had great success not just with losing lots of inches from all over but from losing a decent amount of weight too. I decided that I should really treat myself to the same chance. I had the induction on Tuesday and have been twice since then already.

 

And I'm actually finding it enjoyable. It's resistance based rather than cardio so you don't end up all sweaty and ick (though you do end up quite glowing!) And you only spend half an hour to do the whole circuit so it's easy to fit it in. 

 

Mum and I have devised a system so that I don't have to worry about what I'm doing with madam whilst I work out. So, mum does her circuit then, when she's finished she takes madam for a drink whilst I do mine. Madam is enjoying this so far as she gets to have some alone time with her nanna and she hasn't really had that before. Normally my dad gets the privilege!

 

I'm hoping that now I have committed myself to this I will be able to keep it up. By the sound of it they are quite thorough about re-jigging your program to make sure you're getting the best out of it. And there is always someone to ask. Everyone faces the centre and the instructors have a desk just on one side. If you need to ask anything you can. And there are mini reviews to check how things are going.

 

The only bad thing is how thoroughly they measured me! I now know the exact horrors of my dimensions and my weight. I have been avoiding this knowledge for a while, but I know that if I expect to tackle it I have to know what I am dealing with.

 

So maybe it's time I posted a proper picture of me, so you can all see what I really look like. Not just a head shot which is all I normally allow. I am officially heavier than I have ever been before and consequently in the biggest dress size I've ever worn. And I am not okay with it. Because it isn't healthy to be this big and I do worry about the effects it must be having on my health.

 

My depression is in part caught up with my weight, so less weight, happier Pearl (or that's the plan). And I'm sick of not being able to buy clothes in my home town. Evans closed it's doors a couple of years ago and now I'm stuck with having to go into Hull to shop. Or online...

 

Here I am then, and I hope I will be able to post progress photos along the way. (I *hate* this plan!)

 

rather rubbish photos, but these are the only full length ones I could find!