ee lad, you look crackin'

We have been in Bristol over the bank holiday. I got to play with babies. Madam played with her big cousin. She did also fall off a slide, which was a lot less good. But she mainly bounced. She hurt her ankle and scraped one of her cheeks. But a day of doing nothing on Monday seemed to fix it.

 

As we were in Bristol and we had been waiting so long to do it, we finally hunted the Gromits :)

 

And what a great way to 1) spend a couple of hours doing something fun and 2) get in some sneaky exercise without your child noticing! We managed not to argue at all whilst we were hunting and she fell asleep not long after we got home. Which is what every parent wants!

 

 

 

My favourite? Either of the last two really. I was hoping we'd find the strawberry one as I've seen photos of it and it looks really cool, but it was obviously in a different part of the city...

 

They are going to be gathered together for an exhibition in the middle of September, so we might get chance to go and see them then. It's the same time as himself's birthday, so we could well be in Bristol for it...

 

Hedgehogs and Gromits

I saw the cutest baby hedgehog today (Thursday) when we going home after madam’s teddy bears picnic. It was such a surprise to see it wandering around in broad daylight that it took me a moment to work out what I was seeing.

I took a few photos as I happened to have my camera on me. I don’t think you can tell how small it is! And we did manage to stop madam from picking it up for a cuddle…

 



 

 

 

We came home to find the DVD I’d ordered from Amazon had arrived so I spent the end of the afternoon and early evening educating madam on the joys of early 80s Christmas TV! And I have to say the Box of Delights pretty much stood up to the repeat viewing. The special effects were a bit creaky, but other than that the story stood the test of time and it was just as absorbing as I remember it.

Madam was slightly freaked by the opening credits but the actual program content was nothing that she was bothered by. She was a bit fidgety, but I did make her watch all six episodes back-to-back!

I have my first review at the gym tomorrow. Will be interesting to see how it’s gone for the last 5 weeks. I have been finding it pretty easy to stick to and am hoping for some inch loss if nothing else. I think I’ve lost a couple of kilos, which is not too bad, given I haven’t been on a diet with it…

Mother is going to have madam whilst I’m doing my bit. Her plan is to take madam to the park and run her around for as long as she can bear it. And then hopefully madam will go to sleep on time. This is because himself will be arriving later…  

We’re going to Bristol this weekend. I am actually quite looking forward to it. Not the whole spending time with himself bit, but the being back in Bristol. I do love it as a city.

And this time we’re going on a Gromit hunt. There is an exhibition called Gromit Unleashed and there are 80 models around the city for us to find. I am not convinced we’ll manage even half of them, but we can have a go J We’ll be outside in the fresh air, and when we searched for toads a couple of years ago in Hull we had such good fun.

I have pictures of madam with all the ones we found and am planning the same with the Gromits. I’ll have to post some when we’ve done. I’m desperate to find the strawberry one!

 

I told you I went shopping and I am planning on wearing some of the new clobber for my hols (cause I see it as a bit of a holiday). I get to see lovely L and her kids, the twins are 3months old already! I am looking forward to much baby smushing and cuddles. I love seeing her older boy playing with madam, they get on so well. Well, for the most part!

And as L has moved house she now has a fabulous park just around the corner for us to sit in and watch the kids playing. I love going to see her as she always makes me feel so much better. Like I can do anything. Like I am in control.

I do wish I lived down there. I’ve been starting to think I may never get my life back on track until I can fend for myself again. My parents are amazing and I would not be where I am now without them. But I feel like a child having them help me all the time. Like I am not my own person as they still have so much influence over everything I do.

I love them so much and I don’t like the idea of living far away from them. I get terrible homesickness. But I need to make a move for me. I need to strike out on my own again. Something I have always failed at doing. But I am a parent, and I have to provide for my daughter. Even if all I manage is some form of work experience somewhere away from here.

The only issue of course is that now madam is at school we’re much less flexible. Perhaps I should look at doing something in the next summer hols. Find a project for us to participate in. But I have to be far away and I have to get along by myself. Does that make sense?

I have a need to get away from all the safety and security that surround me. Because I think I am stagnating and I don’t have the drive to push myself out of my comfort zone. Madam going to school will be something of a push as I will have all that time to myself.

I am hoping to get some work experience organised in the local high school for myself come the start of term. I am really keen to do it and I need to kick myself up the arse and get it organised. I’m hoping if I can get the experience it’ll start to help me build my confidence. I need to trust in my own abilities again.  

things to do with madam's summer

I received the first of my ebay purchases yesterday :) It's the shrug I ordered to go with the wedding outfit for September. It's not as dark blue as I thought it would be, but that's not actually a bad thing. Madam took a photo for me, urm, slightly dodgy but you get the idea... (that's the dress I'll be wearing it with, too).

Have spent the last couple of days trying to plot out things for madam to do over the holidays. This is made harder by the fact that she is 4. There is no provision for pre-schoolers locally. This is a perpetual whine of all parents with children under 5. I am amused by the fact there are some children (like madam's best friend who isn't 4 for another fortnight) who will complete a full year at school before having their 5th birthday. So are those 4yr olds allowed to participate or must they wait until the age of 5 like madam?

 

Obviously, our plan is to sign madam up for the things we think she'd like and just ignore the fact that she's supposed to be 5. Being tall will definitely help her in this case. And because she's under 8 I have to stay with her anyway... So I don't get why they impose the age limit!

 

There was a small mammal hunt that she could have done this morning, but there were no spaces left :( I have signed her up for a minibeast safari, a butterfly safari and a teddy bears picnic. All at the local country park nature reserve. It cost me £1.50 each and they're all at least 2 hrs. I just need more things to do with her on the other 39 days of the hols...

I am planning on, hopefully, another trip to Bristol. I want to go and see L and her family and have a nosy around the new house she's moving into. But more importantly madam and I want to go on a Gromit hunt! For those of you who don't know, Gromit (you know, from Wallace and... ) has been hidden in various locations around Bristol. The Gromit Unleashed art exhibition is raising funds for the Bristol Children's Hospital charity and 80 sculptures have been  hidden around the city.

I am planning on downloading the app so we can play along when we get the chance! The exhibition finishes on the 8th September so I really hope that'll give us enough time...

But my other plans for the holidays mainly involve the seaside and/or various parks and local (free) museums etc. Madam is really keen on doing any form of colouring/painting/getting messy that I can think up too!

I just hope the weather stays mainly fine as I don't think a soggy summer will be an easy thing to navigate. Although I would get more chance to indulge in the sewing/crochet/knitting projects I have on the go. Oh, and to read some of my book mountain.   

Bristol baby!

I have taken my laptop all the way to Bristol and back this weekend without getting it out to write once. I'm a little impressed with myself, but also sad that I haven't posted for a couple of days.

 

So Friday night I spent (after Guides) waiting for K to come and collect me and his daughter as he wanted her to come down for carnival in Bristol over the weekend. He was old any time after 9.30pm to give me time to get home from Guides and throw stuff into a bag. It was approx. 11.30 when he finally arrived.

 

Then, and I knew he would, he announced he was too tired to drive all the way back again and could I do it. I would have refused only madam would be easier to transport whilst sleepy and I didn't really want him spending the night if I could help it. So I drove. And it was fine (it's a pretty easy drive really) The only part where I was concerned about whether I was heading in the right direction was round Birmingham. I just resolutely followed the signs that said SOUTH WEST as I figured that was where Bristol was.

 

After wrestling the sat nav from off madam's back window I finally managed to check where I was and found I had been right and should just keep going. In case you're wondering, madam had been using it as a night light! As she was sitting directly behind me it wasn't easy getting it back! And yes, K was asleep whilst this was happening.

 

Anyway, we arrived at stupid o' clock in the morning and headed straight for bed. Surfaced at about 11am and headed for L's for baby twin cuddles :) Was rewarded by having one thrust at me along with a bottle (L was having a carnival party and she figured her breast milk may end up as rather alcoholic!). I spent most of the rest of the day cuddling one or other of the twins whilst chaos happened around us and got to do lots of feeding/burping. Perfect for broody ol' me really :)

 

madam and R

lovely little M

 

 

Madam went to the carnival in the afternoon with her dad (who was asleep until  at least 2pm) and came back a couple of hours later with an enormous grin on her face and a balloon which was almost the same size as her. I think we can safely say she'd had a good time. She went straight back to playing with all the neighbourhood kids and I finally managed to drag her away at about 9pm. She was being very naughty and running away from where she'd been given permission to (safely) play. I figured tiredness must be taking over and I'd get her in bed with no problems.

 

 

 

Oh, how wrong I was. For a start she was on constant look-out for her dad who had gone back to carnival after bringing her home. Also, it was ridiculously hot and sticky and she couldn't get to sleep. I had let her stay up and watch the end of Evan Almighty so she could have time to unwind and cool off from all the running around, but that didn't work.

 

Then she refuses to go downstairs as it was too scary... I'd love to send her to live with Zombie Nanny for a week and see if she's still such an unco-operative little madam by the end of it. She ignores everything I say and gets her own way far too often. It has to end...

 

None-the-less, she ended up curled up on the sofa next to me until she fell asleep about 11pm... And when it got to 1am and I realised I should really lie down to prevent complete exhaustion attacking me she still refused to come downstairs.

 

So I left her on the sofa. I figured she'd come down when she realised she was alone in the dark up there. And at about 2am she did. Complete with much wailing and gnashing of teeth that I'd left her :) Himself returned at some point, but I didn't hear him and he says he has no idea what time it was!

 

We slept until about 10.30 and then got ourselves organised to go and see L again. More baby cuddles for me, and madam went to play again. But the day was so warm they were constantly in and out for drinks/ice lollies.

 

L was exhausted as she'd been up far too late after we'd left her. Madam and I apparently beat her to bed! And we weren't breastfeeding twins through the night... Poor love needed a nap. So I had lunch with her and a nice chat with L and one of her neighbours and by 3pm thought it was probably time for us to head back north. Managed to round madam up and get her to do kisses. She takes great pleasure in kissing L's older boy who's 7 and hates it...

 

And then it was time to leave again. Except we didn't, Murray was playing and we foolishly started watching it. Then K announced he had to go and get something before we left. This didn't even surprise me. He always needs more time than I think he possibly could. Must be genetic as madam is the same! We eventually got going halfway through Murray's second set. And he always listens to CDs so I couldn't follow it on the radio :(

 

We finally got back to our house at about 9pm and even though madam had been asleep for a good hour and a half in the car, now wouldn't go to bed again. Again she complained of being too hot. I did everything I could think of to make her cooler, but it wasn't working. She ended up lying on the living room floor wearing just her pants... I sent her packing when she tried to steal a drink and fortunately the sheer exhaustion kicked in and I didn't hear from her again.

 

But I have to admit to spending the night on top of my duvet because even when I went to bed an hour or so later the upstairs was still tropical...

 

Himself? Well, he "popped" up to Scarborough after dropping us off! So glad I don't have to put up with that any more... 

needed: a different life

Here we are, home in Yorkshire again. And, as it always does, my heart smiled to see the familiar sights and faces. But I do feel, more than I ever have before, that I've left a little bit of my heart down there in Bristol... I do wish I could move down there and make a fresh start in my life.

 

But then I'd just be running away and hiding again. I'd still have all the same things to deal with that I struggle with now. Only with out the backing of my parents, and boy, do they do a lot of backing up still. They buy my groceries for me every week, now how I'd cope without that input, I don't know, because we never seem to have enough money for everything.

 

And I spend time paying one thing to stave off disaster but using just a bit of the money I needed for X or Y and then when I have to pay X or Y I need to borrow a little bit from Z... It's never ending and I don't seem capable of getting myself out of that loop. 

 

For example, my housing benefit doesn't cover the whole of my rent, it leaves me just over £100 short, so obviously that money has to come out of my benefits. I'm meant to pay rent on the 1st of the month, but I'm almost always waiting for some money to come in to top it up to £450... this is because although I have two benefit, a child benefit and 4 child tax credit payments in that month I have always lost some to the rent the previous month and am playing catch up the whole month!

 

For the most part I use my tax credits as our weekly housekeeping and everything else goes to bills/debts etc. But then madam will need something or we'll rebel and treat ourselves to something. Or, more often than not, something will break (be broken). I'll need to pay an extra bill for something I'd forgotten..

 

Or boring things like, peoples birthdays, come up. Christmas, Easter, school holidays they all cost. I hate school holidays, I seem to spend money like water no matter how careful I'm trying to be!

 

Yeah, so my money is always going to be stretched to breaking point. But if I have to do boring things like pay for my own food I'd be in major trouble... 

 

But I do still want to try living in Bristol for a while, I'm just going to have to be smart about it and ensure I have things like a job and somewhere to live in place before making a run for the hills (as it were). This may mean I don't make it down there for some time yet, but I will. One day.

 

We arrived home last night to a slight electrical tragedy. In that we had none. And apparently hadn't for more than 24hrs judging from the stink in the fridge! Not great... I had topped the meters before going away but apparently not by enough! I have today had to throw a freezers worth of stuff in the bin. Along with a few disgusting things from the fridge that I probably could have found new lifeforms on!

 

And I thought about what my life has come to. I think I am at bottom, because other than being actually homeless there isn't much further to fall. I deliberately sat and watched a weepy film last night as I needed to have a release from all the unspoken emotions I've been holding on to whilst with himself.

 

I realised I'd done that terrible thing of telling my daughter why her father was a tw*t (no, no I didn't say that exactly). But I have been encouraging her to see that he doesn't treat her the way she deserves. I think that was most brought home to me by the fact there was a poor chap who ended up sitting next to her on the way home yesterday. Now this lovely guy spent an hour and a half chatting with her and keeping her amused. Without being asked, without complaining about it. 

 

See, nice people still exist, I feel you find them more easily with kids around. But I know that K would have spent 10mins and then started getting annoyed with her. Nevermind a full 5hr journey. Now, don't get me wrong, I can't put up with her for 5hrs on a train either. I was *very* glad that this nice man arrived to distract her for a bit.

 

But on the way down, when it was just me and her, and the train was even more crowded, we managed. I might have shouted a little, she may have sulked a little. But it was ok. If K had done it, there would have been hell on. He can't even drive us anywhere with out losing his temper with her at some point.

 

So glad he doesn't do it full time. 

 

It boggles really, he's so good with her when he wants to be. But therein lies the issue. When *he* wants to. Not her. He cannot put others first, he's all about the money and the power and the what does he get out of it. If you're what he wants he's an overwhelming personality. So sweet and funny and kind and caring. Once you're off his radar you might as well have moved to China.

 

He made madam and I feel like possessions, toys even, this last week. There for him to pick up and play with when it suited him, but not interesting enough to put effort into. Madam said to me "My daddy took me to the cinema" when I asked what exactly he'd done whilst we'd been there. And I said "No, I think you'll find your daddy dropped us at the cinema and then left. Bit like when he dropped us at the hairdressers and didn't come back when he said he would" "Oh, yeah. My daddys a bit rubbish, isn't he mummy?"

 

"Yes, darling. He is."

 

Sadly, I don't think I'm going to be spending that long down in Bristol again. I'm not putting madam through that again. When he only gets her for a weekend, he makes time for her much more. So that's what it'll have to be. 

 

I've forgotten to bring my phone out with me, so I have no new pictures to add today... I'll have to find an old one for you instead!

 

    

Bristol is still for me...

I have had a couple of days in Bristol with just madam and myself now, and other than proving just how annoying it would be if I actually had to live with K again full time, I've been loving it.

 

I like how friendly the locals seem. Madam and I spent nearly 4 hours (yes, really) in the hairdressers the other day getting madam's hair cornrowed. And we just chatted away and the hairdressers daughter played around with madam whilst we were waiting her turn.

 

I have been orientating myself as to where I am within the city. And although I could still easily get lost I know if I can just find the Galleries, I know the way home again! Madam has far more places to run away from me to though, which is much less good...

 

She spent so long at the hairdressers on Thursday I promised her she could have another pair of shoes for her build-a-bear (they're about the cheapest thing you can get in there!). And she picked some Cinderella-esque glass slippers, that she has been walking around in!

 

Himself has been winding me up good and proper for the last couple of days. He's doing that thing of reminding me just why I don't want to live with him anymore and also being a tw*t to madam as he's been spending no time with her. I don't know why he wanted us to visit, I really don't...

 

Oh, and then there's the fact he told us we would go to London today to see some friends. Now I had reservations about this idea as I thought he'd just use the chance to dump us with friends and then go off without us. But he never even managed to take us, he's just been in a horrendous mood since last night... Which he is mainly taking out on madam. Which is really, really pissing me off.

 

He's yelled at her and frightened her for the most pointless things. I know she drives me insane, but I can't bear to see him being horrid to madam when she isn't even doing anything that all 4year olds do. She is incapable of being quiet and sitting still, so why be surprised about it?

I shall be jolly glad to get gone tomorrow...