Lifestyle - Having a job is just the beginning

You may have wondered where I've been and I don't blame you. Turns out I don't particularly like blogging from my tablet after all. I'm hoping once I get paid I'll be able to get my laptop screen fixed (finally) and then I may be able to get back to some kind of regular blogging schedule.

Until then, sporadic is the name of the game. I've mainly been getting ready for starting work and also supervising madam as she enjoys her free time.

In the last few weeks I've gone from being worried I would never find a job again to being gainfully employed and needing to get everything together for my start date of September 1st. The most important part of that (no, not shoes) is transport. 

My dad, being an amazing human, agreed to forward me the money for a car and a years worth of insurance which I will then (slowly) pay him back. 

I decided that I really wanted something similar to the hire car I had whilst my parents were on holiday. That was a (top of the range) Toyota Aygo. Now, I'm not thick, I knew top of the range was out. But a lower spec version of the same was definitely an option. It turns out there are three different manufacturers who make identical cars. The cheapest to buy secondhand was the Peugot 107. And on my budget I could afford one about three years old. 

This then meant hours of trawling the internet to narrow down which ones we were going to go and have a look at. Madam pinned her heart to a bright yellow one early on and I discovered they made purple ones... 

We went to a local a dealership which had a few in stock (including a purple one!) Sadly, turns out the purple was way over my budget (like, £1500 over) and after looking at the other three in stock we settled for a red one with a low mileage. 

So my new baby, who has been named Peggy, was all sorted out. Next was making myself look slightly less like a wild woman and more like the professional I'm pretending to be. 

Mum very kindly agreed to pay for me to have a decent haircut and I now look much more sleek and much more like my old self again. On my travels I have also had to sort out before and after school care for madam (she's going to a place with its own farm. A farm!) and I've also been on holiday with my Guides. It's been a busy ol' summer, so far! 

What have you been up to then? 

Love, Pearl. 

making madam over

New day, new post. We *finally* got round to getting madam's school jumpers sorted out for September. This whole task has ended up being more complex than you would have thought. We'd been told many conflicting bits of information about where and when we could source them but success is ours. Two jumpers, £2 each. Get in!

 

I was asking madam if she was ready to be a big schoolgirl now and what would she be wearing to her new school (she's worn a mix of uniform and her own clothes to nursery).

 

She told me she needed her grey skirt, white top, new jumper, grey socks and school knickers (no, I'm not entirely sure what "school" knickers are, either) and a bow in her hair. Because *all schoolgirls have bows in their hair, don't they, Mummy!* Umm, if you say so... I'm not sure how we're going to achieve this trick with her hair still being so short. After the infamous nail varnish incident which I can't believe was actually 3 months ago already!

 

And after that incident, and the one where she covered herself in my eyeshadow you'd think she'd have learnt to just leave things alone. Especially as she gets in so much trouble after them! But no. Last night she stole my nice new lipstick and coloured herself from head to foot in a dark pink shade. And it took two baths and a lot of soap to scrub it all off again.

 

apparently last time she used my eyeshadow as a lipstick and then some lipstick for random colourings...

It makes me laugh that she complains about the scrubbing when I wouldn't have to do it if she would only behave herself... I'm also *really* hoping that we'll move out of this phase soon. She seems to have been colouring herself in for years... I have to keep reminding myself that partly I should be impressed at her inquisitive nature. But mainly it's still really annoying!

 

I have given myself and mother a new project to get ourselves involved with. Madam is going to a Fairy and Pixie day at Burnby Hall and part of that involves a costume competition. So yesterday mum and I bought three different colours of netting to help make said outfit :) I am quite looking forward to getting to do a sewing project with my mum, we've never done one before.

 

Speaking of sewing projects, I haven't actually progressed with any of my other plans, which is annoying me. I really want to at least get the pieces cut so that I can get on with the sewing asap.  

needed: a different life

Here we are, home in Yorkshire again. And, as it always does, my heart smiled to see the familiar sights and faces. But I do feel, more than I ever have before, that I've left a little bit of my heart down there in Bristol... I do wish I could move down there and make a fresh start in my life.

 

But then I'd just be running away and hiding again. I'd still have all the same things to deal with that I struggle with now. Only with out the backing of my parents, and boy, do they do a lot of backing up still. They buy my groceries for me every week, now how I'd cope without that input, I don't know, because we never seem to have enough money for everything.

 

And I spend time paying one thing to stave off disaster but using just a bit of the money I needed for X or Y and then when I have to pay X or Y I need to borrow a little bit from Z... It's never ending and I don't seem capable of getting myself out of that loop. 

 

For example, my housing benefit doesn't cover the whole of my rent, it leaves me just over £100 short, so obviously that money has to come out of my benefits. I'm meant to pay rent on the 1st of the month, but I'm almost always waiting for some money to come in to top it up to £450... this is because although I have two benefit, a child benefit and 4 child tax credit payments in that month I have always lost some to the rent the previous month and am playing catch up the whole month!

 

For the most part I use my tax credits as our weekly housekeeping and everything else goes to bills/debts etc. But then madam will need something or we'll rebel and treat ourselves to something. Or, more often than not, something will break (be broken). I'll need to pay an extra bill for something I'd forgotten..

 

Or boring things like, peoples birthdays, come up. Christmas, Easter, school holidays they all cost. I hate school holidays, I seem to spend money like water no matter how careful I'm trying to be!

 

Yeah, so my money is always going to be stretched to breaking point. But if I have to do boring things like pay for my own food I'd be in major trouble... 

 

But I do still want to try living in Bristol for a while, I'm just going to have to be smart about it and ensure I have things like a job and somewhere to live in place before making a run for the hills (as it were). This may mean I don't make it down there for some time yet, but I will. One day.

 

We arrived home last night to a slight electrical tragedy. In that we had none. And apparently hadn't for more than 24hrs judging from the stink in the fridge! Not great... I had topped the meters before going away but apparently not by enough! I have today had to throw a freezers worth of stuff in the bin. Along with a few disgusting things from the fridge that I probably could have found new lifeforms on!

 

And I thought about what my life has come to. I think I am at bottom, because other than being actually homeless there isn't much further to fall. I deliberately sat and watched a weepy film last night as I needed to have a release from all the unspoken emotions I've been holding on to whilst with himself.

 

I realised I'd done that terrible thing of telling my daughter why her father was a tw*t (no, no I didn't say that exactly). But I have been encouraging her to see that he doesn't treat her the way she deserves. I think that was most brought home to me by the fact there was a poor chap who ended up sitting next to her on the way home yesterday. Now this lovely guy spent an hour and a half chatting with her and keeping her amused. Without being asked, without complaining about it. 

 

See, nice people still exist, I feel you find them more easily with kids around. But I know that K would have spent 10mins and then started getting annoyed with her. Nevermind a full 5hr journey. Now, don't get me wrong, I can't put up with her for 5hrs on a train either. I was *very* glad that this nice man arrived to distract her for a bit.

 

But on the way down, when it was just me and her, and the train was even more crowded, we managed. I might have shouted a little, she may have sulked a little. But it was ok. If K had done it, there would have been hell on. He can't even drive us anywhere with out losing his temper with her at some point.

 

So glad he doesn't do it full time. 

 

It boggles really, he's so good with her when he wants to be. But therein lies the issue. When *he* wants to. Not her. He cannot put others first, he's all about the money and the power and the what does he get out of it. If you're what he wants he's an overwhelming personality. So sweet and funny and kind and caring. Once you're off his radar you might as well have moved to China.

 

He made madam and I feel like possessions, toys even, this last week. There for him to pick up and play with when it suited him, but not interesting enough to put effort into. Madam said to me "My daddy took me to the cinema" when I asked what exactly he'd done whilst we'd been there. And I said "No, I think you'll find your daddy dropped us at the cinema and then left. Bit like when he dropped us at the hairdressers and didn't come back when he said he would" "Oh, yeah. My daddys a bit rubbish, isn't he mummy?"

 

"Yes, darling. He is."

 

Sadly, I don't think I'm going to be spending that long down in Bristol again. I'm not putting madam through that again. When he only gets her for a weekend, he makes time for her much more. So that's what it'll have to be. 

 

I've forgotten to bring my phone out with me, so I have no new pictures to add today... I'll have to find an old one for you instead!

 

    

Bristol is still for me...

I have had a couple of days in Bristol with just madam and myself now, and other than proving just how annoying it would be if I actually had to live with K again full time, I've been loving it.

 

I like how friendly the locals seem. Madam and I spent nearly 4 hours (yes, really) in the hairdressers the other day getting madam's hair cornrowed. And we just chatted away and the hairdressers daughter played around with madam whilst we were waiting her turn.

 

I have been orientating myself as to where I am within the city. And although I could still easily get lost I know if I can just find the Galleries, I know the way home again! Madam has far more places to run away from me to though, which is much less good...

 

She spent so long at the hairdressers on Thursday I promised her she could have another pair of shoes for her build-a-bear (they're about the cheapest thing you can get in there!). And she picked some Cinderella-esque glass slippers, that she has been walking around in!

 

Himself has been winding me up good and proper for the last couple of days. He's doing that thing of reminding me just why I don't want to live with him anymore and also being a tw*t to madam as he's been spending no time with her. I don't know why he wanted us to visit, I really don't...

 

Oh, and then there's the fact he told us we would go to London today to see some friends. Now I had reservations about this idea as I thought he'd just use the chance to dump us with friends and then go off without us. But he never even managed to take us, he's just been in a horrendous mood since last night... Which he is mainly taking out on madam. Which is really, really pissing me off.

 

He's yelled at her and frightened her for the most pointless things. I know she drives me insane, but I can't bear to see him being horrid to madam when she isn't even doing anything that all 4year olds do. She is incapable of being quiet and sitting still, so why be surprised about it?

I shall be jolly glad to get gone tomorrow...