House Clearing For Pleasure!

I have been ridiculously busy for what seems like ages. I have been on this course for the job centre and on days when I wasn't there I have been having a clearout in my house with my mum.

This means that finally I have got it done properly. We have thrown out so much stuff I couldn't believe it even fitted in. Well, it didn't. That was the problem. We have one final room to finish (mine) and then I might (might) finally be on an even keel. I am really loving having some actual space in the house at last too. I also found an old friend (I am still a student/hippie at heart.)

Rainbow coat!

The trouble was all the stuff I have been holding on to for years with that foolish belief that I either need it or want it. I don't need it. My mum has helped me say goodbye to things I was holding on to merely out of sentiment. Though she did stop me from putting my wedding dress in the recycling. 

I have instead put it away again and hopefully will eventually get around to using the material to make something else that I might actually wear. It is a beautiful colour and it would seem a shame to waste all that fabric. I quite want to make it into a 50's prom dress style. But then I have nowhere to wear it, so why bother...

I have also started being more proactive and thorough with my job searching. I am trying to apply for something every day though this is not always possible (unless I do go for that butchers job Universal Jobmatch is convinced I could do). I also have refused to apply for the jobs as catalogue distributors that abound on there.

I have finally got a bite and have an interview for a Teaching Assistant role. Unfortunately it is on a voluntary basis, but it would give me great, up-to-date, experience which I think is lacking from my current CV.

To this end, having thrown out tonnes of my old clothes, I have been shopping! I bought a waterfall cardi and some new leggings the other week but really wanted to buy a lightweight jacket that I saw in the shop. The no money issue raised it's ugly head though.

So I waited for my next Jobseekers Allowance payment (which is the one I get to do stuff for me/madam with (the other one just goes on rent)). I went back and bought the jacket as I really think having a smart jacket is an investment in lieu of the job I want to get. I also saw a lovely, smart winter coat which would mean I could stop wearing my incredibly dull but practical anorak. And smart enough to wear as an overcoat when going on interviews. 

Smart. Though having to take the photo in a public toilet with the sink getting in the shot is less glam than I hoped for!

My mother very kindly paid for it and I gave her half the money and will give her the other half next month. I really can't re-iterate enough how lucky I am to have such supportive parents. Madam and I would struggle so much without them. And I wouldn't have a washing machine, still!

As part of my Fast Track 2 Work course from the job centre I did a mock interview, which was tailored for a TA role, this was great as it made me do a proper interview but in that controlled, safe environment. It was conducted by people who work for the local council and they gave us really great feedback on the answers we gave. I still hated it though! I was so nervous before I went in and did waffle a bit. But I did ok, and I felt more confident on the answers that I had prepared.

Nervous!

My interview was originally scheduled for Wednesday last week (5th) and has now been moved to Thursday this week (13th). So I am also getting the chance to get my nails done properly before I go. I have told Becky at my favourite nail place that I am having to be sensible this time and she was sad as we usually try and make my nails as fun as possible. It's £15 which is not *that* much given it lasts a minimum 3 weeks and I do want to look as professional as I can (chipped polish is a no-no!)

So, um, yeah. Think I have rambled on enough for today. Hope you're having a good week!

well, that was unproductive!

Today I have sent madam to school with her new Christmas jumper on as it's non-uniform day. The payment was a donation to the Christmas hamper they're raffling off. Judging by what I saw going in to class this morning it's going to be a rather biscuit heavy hamper this year! 

I am genuinely fed up of being ill now. I have had a cold for over a week and in particular a chesty cough. Even though I have had antibiotics for the cough it seems to be getting worse. It's really putting a dampener on my mood. Also, I am constantly exhausted so have achieved nothing in the last few days despite having access to a car :( 

My plan was to dump a whole load of stuff off at the tip and take a bit more control back in my house whilst we weren't living in it. Total fail. I haven't even managed to get to the gym (I should be there right now, but as soon as I start exercising I can't stop coughing (or breathe)).

We have been at mum and dad's house this week as we've been cat sitting for them whilst they've been away. But, due to the storm that's been going on for the last couple of days, they got stuck in Edinburgh for an extra night. This also meant that the stuff I thought I would do last night at home I also haven't done because I wasn't there :( I feel bad for everything getting so behind.   

I was hoping to avoid another bad go with a cold this year after I ended up on pneumonia meds because of a cough. But I think I really am going to have to go back to the docs and ask for further drugs. Though I quite want different ones as these ones have not really agreed with me, leaving me with headaches and other side effects.

I have guides tonight which I am quite looking forward to. We are doing Christmas crafts at the moment and I am quite keen to finish off my Christmas pudding pom pom :) Also, it means the guides will not be too loud and exhuberant! I don't think I could cope with them jumping around too much tonight... 

Perfectionism is not a game

 

 

On March 21st this year I wrote a post on how perfectionism leads to procrastination and suddenly in the last week it has become the most read post on my blog. And in fact the most read post of this week. Baffling really, don't know why the sudden surge in interest around it.

 

It does give out that important message though. That people like me are this way for reasons other than people can often assume. I'm not saying that I don't have a lazy gene, but most of the time that's not what it's about. I am so concerned about doing it right that I often freeze myself into inaction. I sit, I see, but I cannot do. I'm trying to keep up momentum but have to admit to having stalled again in the last few months.

 

My everyday routine has gone to pot and I can feel the chaos starting to build up again. And that terrifies me, I don't want it to be in control of me, and still I'm letting it win by not forcing myself to do it. My current excuse is that my timer broke (queue everyone I know (V) prodding me with sharp sticks via twitter). And you have no idea how bad I am at judging time. 15 minutes is not long enough (I know it is), I don't know where to start (just do something, it'll help), I don't want my friends to have to rescue me again (my friends genuinely care about me and want to help).

 

So many reasons and so many excuses that I *know* I'm being irrational about. And yet, and yet, and yet... Hopefully, I am having lovely Tabatha Tweedie and V come over on Tuesday for more sewings/girly chats so that will be a fine kick up the bottom to sort things out again. And the silly thing is I want them in my house now. I have turned that corner from being afraid to let anyone over the threshold for fear of being judged.

 

I am glad that being able to be honest allows me to have that freedom again. I love having visitors, I love being sociable. It's one of the few things I miss from having himself around, the house used to always have friends and family in it. I'm not saying I was always keen on all of the company, but I love having people round and making them food (I am a feeder, I plan on making snacks for everyone on Tuesday :D).

 

Actually, I really want to experiment and make these peanut butter treat things that lovely essbeevee keeps mentioning. I may also need to lie down and hope to avoid sugar coma afterwards, but it sounds like something madam would be able to help make, and I'm always searching for those type of recipes.

 

So I will go home this evening and I will put a music DVD on (I'll give you all 3 guesses whose) and I will use that to time my tidying. If I have 3 people (and a madam) in my dining room to do sewing we'll be needing the elbow room!   

a film that left a big impression

Isn't it fun getting stuff through the post :) My shoes that mother cajoled me into buying have arrived... They're fab, comfy and actually a really great colour (I was a bit worried about the pewter). I have not had a chance to wear them yet though, as I have been to the gym for an introduction/look-see kind of thing.

 

 

 

I have now signed up though, so my proper induction is next Tuesday (it better not be too hot!) It's a Gymophobics gym and promises me I only have to do a 30 min workout 3 times a week. Also, I have a voucher for a massively discounted sign up/first month payment! I owe it to myself to find time to go. It's right in the centre of town, so there is no trekking to the leisure centre annoyingness. I can fit it into my day a lot easier.

 

I don't dislike going to the gym, per se, but the cardio workouts never seem to make much difference and this is more about resistance/toning. This is what my big, flabby belly needs! I walk everywhere as it is, so I get a cardio workout everyday! Mum has been a member for a little while now and has lost nearly 3 stone and dropped about 3 dress sizes as well. She's feeling much fitter, healthier and happier with herself.

 

Which I would like to feel about myself too!

 

My dad and I have gone into manic planning mode to get ready for our trip to Driffield show on Wednesday. He and I are definite planners, though he is more inclined to actually follow through on his plans than I am! I like to know there is a plan I can fall back on, but am more able to go with the flow than he is!

 

We are driving my mum insane by planning out what sandwiches we'll need, drinks, picnic rugs etc. You'd think she'd be used to us by now... It's funny that it's me the manic planning rubbed off on, as I am the queen of procrastination and almost never follow my plans exactly. I am terrible at organisation because of this. Though being able to organise a small child is definitely an achievement in itself!

 

Last night I watched a film called Hugo. It's based on the novel The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznik. And I loved it. I am a real film fan and love the escapism that films bring me. And this film was actually about that in part. It's a fact based film, in that one of the main characters and his backstory etc. is true to life. The rest of the film is imagined around him.

 

It tells the story of a lonely little orphaned boy named Hugo Cabret (that's a surprise, right!) who lives within the walls of the train station in Paris. He is looking to repair a machine as he believes it contains a message from his dead father and that search brings him into contact with a gentleman named Georges Melies (this is the real dude).

 

He, along with Georges' goddaughter find out who Georges used to be and how he has ended up owning a toy booth at a train station. They help him to find his way back and in the process Hugo finds friends and eventually a family. It was an amazingly moving film. I always find films about loneliness hard to watch without crying. But this was so beautiful. It's a Scorsese film, but not like anything he has ever made before.

 

And all the way through the film is punctuated by these wonderful clips from very early films. And they are so incredible and the imagery is so impressive. Its a love story to them in a way as well. The eventual revelation was again based on real life. Georges Melies really was discovered working in a toy booth at the train station. He really was one of the pioneers of early cinema. You may never have heard of him (I certainly hadn't) but you will know one of his most iconic images...

 

 

 

 

And if you can't see that link, you will have to make do with just this picture which is from hungary.art.pl

 

 

 

 

And if you still don't know who I'm banging on about, check him out on YouTube. His films are wonderful...

It has to be the end of the manic tidying now, surely!

I have had somewhat of a hectic day so far. My stupid rental agency had scheduled to come around for yet another inspection. And though I had made plans yesterday as usual it didn't quite work out like that.

 

For a start Harry Potter is a very long film and by the time it had finished we didn't have time to get into town before the shop we needed would be shut. So we forced ourselves to make scrummy muffin pizzas (ham and cheese this time) and watch Robots on ITV2+1. Then after we got home madam, for reasons best known to herself, decided to colour her face in blue felt tip.

 

You know when you'd just like to be able to rewind and not have something happen. That. So then we had to have a full on scrub down in the bath. Much to her displeasure. It's not worth explaining to her yet again that actions have consequences. She obviously doesn't hear me.

 

Then she wimped because hadn't had her wall repainted like I'd said I was going to. I pointed out as she'd been to the shop where we couldn't find any paint she should know why I hadn't done it. Sheesh. So then I had to promise I would do it this morning. No fear, I can't be giving the agency any more ammunition against me.

 

So I then went downstairs to start the clean up and promised myself to have at least got started before bed. Somehow it didn't happen, my bum just seemed to weld itself to the sofa. And then I got reading various articles on The Guardian and suddenly it was past bedtime.

 

I dragged us out of bed this morning and made sure that madam had put all her books away and most of her toys were picked up so that I only had to paint in her room after I'd dropped her off at nursery. I then managed to persuade her that she should wear a jumper to school, not just her vest top. Why is it always a fight?

 

Ok, so after she was deposited with her teacher (she became suddenly reluctant to go in) I set off to get more paint. I had to buy a proper tin of paint as there was no small ones available. It was one of those one coat ones (cause I didn't have time for multiple applications) and cost £18! Not massively impressed at the price, though cheaper than Dulux, which is a bonus.

 

I also went to the Post Office to top up the electric meter as we are on the emergency credit at the moment. Only they couldn't get the key to work. So that was a wasted trip. Dashed home, did lots of painting (why is there always more than you thought?) and started on the living room. Now, I have lovely H to thank for the fact that it's actually mostly organised, but somehow there still seemed to be more to do than I wanted.

 

ok, imagine it without that bin bag!

 

 

Finally got it finished and then moved onto the dining room and the hallway. Did my usual whip around and put all the shoes on the shoe rack again. Removed suitcase from the dining room and put it back in my room. Wherein I noticed that for some reason the painted patches in there are really noticeable. Bum. Oh well...

 

Did a bit of kitchen wizardry, swept all the floors and washed down various windows. And then I scarpered. I don't like being there when they come round, it just makes me feel like I'm being judged (which I sort of am, but I'd rather not know about it). I also feel like I've been naughty and that I'll be told off, so avoiding that feeling is def a bonus.

 

I was rather hungry by this point as I realised I hadn't eaten so used that as an excuse to go get a sandwich. And it was vast. With proper egg mayo that had proper bits of ground pepper in :) Perfect. And after I'd eaten and had a quick look in Claire's Accessories, it was time to pick madam up anyway. 

 

We have come up to the rents again as today is water the plants time...

 

I am shattered and my bed is going to be so welcome later! 

I think this might be verging on wallowing now

I'm still somewhere in my own thoughts somewhat. I have been trying to be more forgiving to myself over my failure to do my application but I can't stop telling myself how stupid I've been.

 

I haven't even checked the local paper for jobs yet, and I'm worried that I will never find that confidence again and end up back in some dead end job that I really don't enjoy. Cause I hated my last proper job before I had madam. It wasn't me. Didn't stretch me. Didn't make me happy.

 

And I'm not fool enough to expect to be rapturously happy at all times in whatever job I end up. Because there will always be good and bad days. But I would like to feel content for a larger portion of the time than I feel rubbish. I don't think (other than my first job, which was actually just mucking about with ice cream) I've ever achieved that.

 

I'm also fed up of feeling so miserable about myself. Of thinking about all my faults and feeling like I am ridiculously selfish. I am a bit worried I'm going to drown in my own bullsh*t.

 

My mum and dad are going on holiday today and I am suddenly aware of how lonely I'm going to be without them. I spend quite a lot of my spare time with them. Friday tea, Saturday lunch and all day Sunday in fact. And I do groceries with them on Monday mornings. We usually see them on a Weds afternoon and, whilst I've been at college, madam has had tea with them on Thursdays. So actually, the only day we don't see them is a Tuesday.

 

I might as well still live with them!

 

No, I really don't want to live with them any more. I did that for long enough before I got married. And I even did it for a short while after we did get married. I can't imagine my dad would last five minutes with madam full time! And he certainly wouldn't be the pushover with her that he is now! Though I have noticed recently that he's toughened up a bit!

 

You know, the last time my head was this messed up was the last time I spent a period of time with himself. I don't understand why I still let him make me feel so bad. And yet he still holds a draw for me. I still let him... *sighs* *makes another resolution not to let him back in my head*

 

So tell me something nice, what are you all doing? I don't want to keep obsessing, please help distract me...

thinking about thinking

 

 

Do I spend too much time pondering things? Is that even possible? I've been aware of being a thinker for a large part of my life. I like to take things in and assess them. I make snap decisions about big life changes and yet it'll take me 3 weeks to decide whether I really am going to buy those shoes I need... (Shush, I do need new shoes sometimes).

 

I think the thinking is actually one of my defence mechanisms. It's that thing where I cope by intellectualising something. I spend so long trying to mould it to a shape I understand that I lose what it was in the first place. And if I don't understand then I try shoving it into a box of things I do. I don't think I'm explaining what I mean very well here...

 

I have a habit of needing to know everything about something and I feel uncomfortable if I don't. I don't like being in the position of having a finite amount of knowledge and then being pushed into that area where I don't know. I like to be able to explain what I'm doing, to myself and to others.

 

Obviously, this is different when I am specifically learning a new skill. Because I accept I'm coming from a starting point of zero. But it's more why I could never speak French to a native French speaker because all I'd be aware of is that I might be wrong.

 

I have a friend who is a native German speaker and I have never managed to have a conversation with her in anything other than English. Even though she knows I have a basic understanding and can follow her if she is speaking to her children... And my French is way better than my German.

 

I am so self-critical about mistakes that although I taught madam to sing Frere Jaques perfectly so that she could sing it for one of my old French teachers, I would not be able to perform the same! I don't know when this overwhelming self criticism came in.

 

I was fairly (and am) fairly confident in my abilities. I am not stupid. In fact I would even say I was quite bright. I am funny and easy to talk to. I have developed into a person I hope is nice to be around.

 

So why do I then beat myself up to a point of inaction over little things? I am so afraid to be wrong sometimes that I don't do it at all. Once I know that I might be judged for my performance I can no longer perform. Stagefright then? Can you get stagefright about a job?

 

Here is the crux of what I'm writing all this for. My friend found me a great job opportunity, which was exactly the kind of thing I think I would enjoy. And I've bottled it. Too afraid to apply for fear of rejection. I am so disappointed in myself, I really think I could have been good at it. I feel like I let my friend down who went out of her way to draw it to my attention and offered help and everything.

 

But I'm terrified of not measuring up somehow. I have not been for a proper interview for a proper job in years. And I mean years and years. Nearly 8 in fact. And I haven't been constantly working in a job all that time. I have been floating and rootless. I have been allowing myself to build up all these fears and throwing away all the confidence I had in my own abilities.

 

There is nothing that ruins your confidence like parenthood. The constant second guessing yourself and wondering if what you are doing is right.

 

You know, I really didn't mean to write all this today. I was going to write about going to madam's new school last night for a look around and a chat.

About how weird it was to be back in my old school 24 years since I left. But somehow something else has hijacked me. And this is probably the thing that has been brewing for the last couple of days. Niggling away, telling me I'm not good enough.

 

Letting me know that I threw away an opportunity that I've worked hard to be given. Ugh. I really don't like myself this week. And that's partly due to those good old monthly hormones and partly just because I always do. But I *wanted* to try hard for this and I stopped myself. I didn't even notice I was doing it.

 

I thought I'd learned the signs, but apparently I haven't learnt all of them. 

 

Now I have to stop beating myself up, accept that it didn't happen. Move on. Learn that I will have another chance. Learn that I need to accept all the helping...

 

Learn that I'm not a bad person...   

 



on the blocks to studying

 

 

I think that picture completely sums up my studying... I have completely lost all my abilities to do it later on in the evening like I always used to, but on the flip side, I can't settle to it in the day either! Argh.

 

I've been working on the last few bits I need to do to complete my portfolio, but it just doesn't seem to be getting any nearer to being finished off. It's starting to really frustrate me!

 

I was hoping that I'd get the afternoon at college again, like last week, but that has completely not come off as my parents are gardening and need to get it done before the plants my dad has been baking in the conservatory for the last couple of weeks finally give up and die!

 

They also bought a new rose called "Hot Chocolate" yesterday which they have put in the gap the postman (and any other door to door people, of which there are many) uses to go from next door to here. It is very prickly, they're hoping the nice people will stop cutting across the garden and go round...

 

Madam is helping grandpa plant out some bluebells and crocuses atm... I think it's probably a bit late to be planting either, but I feel it's best I don't comment... Speaking of bluebells, I'm hoping to get up to Burton Bushes and show madam the bluebells there. There's usually a really good show at this time of year.

 

Anyway, back to my troubles with studying. I find that having depression means that my thoughts actually swish around in my head similar to an imperfectly set jelly. It won't hold it's shape if you take it out the mould, and we all know about trying to nail jelly to a wall.

 

So, I know all the information is in there. I can recall it when asked a specific question, but if I have to hunt through the contents of my mind to find something and then make it connect to something else it becomes a much more difficult task.

 

And also, because all my emotions are constantly heightened and I'm feeling everything at once some days then I'm shattered from all that effort of making my outside appear normal. The superb Hyperbole and a Half has written an amazing post about processing feelings whilst depressed I'm not sure my depression has ever been as deep as the authors obviously is/was, but the idea of making the effort to appear normal on the outside I identify with strongly.

 

Being shattered plus having no way of pinning down the jelly in my brain is really frustrating me. I have done some college work this week, but I always feel like I'm playing catch up somehow. I am incredibly glad that these blogs count towards my portfolio...

 

The strange thing was that last week at college the rest of the group were made aware of the blog I write and there were a couple who were interested in starting their own. I did say I'm not an expert in it, but that there were plenty of sites that guide you through it all. It'll be interesting to find put how many of them actually do go through with it.

 

Especially as we're having to say goodbye to each other and I know that I will miss everyone in the group. We've become more than just a teaching group. This is probably to do with the very personal nature of some of the things we talk about. The shared experiences we've been through.

 

And I'm so pleased we've made it. I think it seems so long since we started out on this quest. I know how terrified I was of walking in that room for the first time. The fear of the unknown, of how I might be judged. I had no confidence, just the knowledge that I wanted to do this for me and to give myself an experience to be proud of.

 

I was hopeful that it would prepare me for a job within the field and that it would be an extension of other skills that I hold. It was so much different to how I thought it would be, but I put that down to my personal demons than the course. The inner struggle I have constantly to battle with was actually unacknowledged at the start. And after I did seek help things got much easier for me.

 

The tutor has been so good with all of us. I am so appreciative of the extra time she has given me and spent on bolstering my fragile self esteem. I have felt nurtured and cared for which I can't say I've ever experienced from a tutor before. I wish I'd been able to share the things that were causing blocks to me sooner. I might have been able to put less stress on myself.

 

I didn't intend (again) for this post to be so rambling, I do apologise for the lack of focus! Here is a picture of some big cats in boxes to make up for it!

 

 



how does college mix with depression?

I had a good tutorial yesterday at college and managed to get my head organised somewhat. Though I still have a few things to do, I can envision getting to the end of it. The best thing was being told that I could include my blog posts as evidence in the journal writing section.

 

This is great news as I think I write more stuff in this format than I ever did when I was writing the journals. I find it easier to write like this. I guess because there is no pressure to fulfil any kind of brief or to keep myself on topic.

 

As I was walking up to college yesterday I was giving myself a talking to (I do this a lot) and was thinking about the post I wrote about my thoughts on how I see depression and I was reviewing how I'd described it. And I realised that I don't really fit the traditional view in quite a few ways.

 

I've always heard depression described as being at the bottom of a black hole trying to see the light again. Of the perception of depression as a black dog. As I mentioned I see it more as the Nothing from the Neverending Story than as a dog.

 

But then I thought about the whole being in a pit of despair thing, and it's not how I see it. I feel more like I'm on top of an incredibly high mountain, in the dark and I need to get down and I can't. I've been terrified of heights (well, falling) for as long as I can remember and yet I've never been afraid to climb.

 

So I feel like I've done what I used to do as a child climbed too high up a tree and now I'm stuck. I can't come down as I'm afraid to fall but I can't stay where I am either as it's not safe for me. I'm also enveloped by this all consuming darkness so I can't even see if there's a safe path for me to use.

 

When I was younger and stuck up a tree whilst playing out with my brothers then my older bro would climb to where I was and show me where to put my feet and guide me down step by step.

 

I feel like I still need that intensive support to be able to find my way from where I am to where I want to be.

 

My poor tutor yesterday had to sit over me and make me fill in the worksheets that I had missed. I wish I'd been able to ask for her help earlier in the process as being able to explain myself was helpful and helped lift the blocks I've been putting in my own way. I have one that I need to decide what to do with still.

 

It's about Guilt. And I can fill it in or not. Or I can write on it about why I can't fill it in at this time. And I don't know what to do. Filling it in is not really an option as I'm afraid it would open a floodgate that I might not be able to get closed again. So I could just remove it from my portfolio, but I fell I would be cheating to do that. So I guess I'm left with having to write why I can't fill it in.

 

And I guess I have to remember that this portfolio is really for me. Not anyone else. It's my handbook, my evidence that I do know what I'm talking about (mostly).

 

So I guess I better go and do that...

it's been six months already

It appears that blogging keeps me sane. I don't like missing a day, it makes me panicky and stressed. This might not be entirely healthy. But I am off my Prozac which probably explains it.

I decided that I had to just come off it and see what happens. I can always start it again if I feel I need to and at least now I'm less worried about asking for more. But I like knowing that my feelings are all my own again and nothing is being fiddled with.

I think the blogging helps me to organise my thoughts in a way that I'd tried to do by writing them out before. But that never seemed to work for me, and I never seemed to be able to keep it up. This way, where I know people are reading what I'm thinking, encourages me to keep sharing.

I've had a couple of people get in touch to say that this blog is helpful to them in small ways and that fills me with joy. I know it's hard to keep going every day and I know it's hard to understand how other people are really feeling.

I think that being able to share some of the things that lead me to my way of thinking and what the procrastination really is can only helpful. My procrastination is the big curse of my life, but I'm much more aware of what it is and how it's actually a way of helping me. It's just a false friend and I need to learn to conquer it.

Because who needs a friend who helps you get into more trouble but makes you feel comfortable about getting there. Even if I never learn to "just do it" as some of those terrifying really organised people advocate, I do want to change and learn and grow. I'd love to at least get better at the whole organising thing!

The one thing I have noticed is that my sense of humour seems to be coming back to me. I use humour as a defence mechanism and always have done, but having not had a reason to just let loose and have fun I've not been just my usual self for ages.

And it's always when something comes back that you realise that it had gone in the first place. A bit like when I had my breakthrough at the end of last year and spent the night dancing around to very loud music (on my headphones). I realised that in the 6 months since I'd moved into that house this was the first time I'd blasted music and just danced.

I'm a dancer in my soul. I used to do ballet as a child and all the way through my teen years I danced in my bedroom, singing into a deodorant bottle pretending I was on stage in front of a massive audience. I still let loose and sang and danced whenever I had the house to myself right up until when I had madam. Then, obviously, I was never alone.

But I would put the music on my headphones as I walked her round for her afternoon nap in her pushchair when she was tiny. And I found myself dancing around the aisles of various shops mouthing the words only I could hear. In fact I'm doing chair dancing even as I type this!

And when she got big enough that I couldn't even have that headspace whilst she had an afternoon nap (and she stopped going in the buggy by the time she was 2) I danced at night when she was in bed, before I went mostly. I would put my headphones in and some slow songs on whilst I got ready for bed and then by the time I was upstairs and putting my pyjamas on I was on to the fast stuff and a quick dance before bed.

Sometimes that quick dance round my bedroom would last a couple of hours!

And then we moved house and somehow, with all the stress of moving and then himself coming home and then leaving again I lost that bit of myself too. All those little bits of yourself that you don't even know were the things that you needed to keep your sanity...

And I lost them. I lost my sense of fun, my music, my inner voice, my sleep patterns, my vague sense of cleanliness, my hope, my confidence. Just little bit by little bit. And I didn't even notice them going until they were lost. And I was in a café crying because I just didn't know how I was going to get through.

And then I was picked up by my friends, who hadn't known how bad it was. By the medical profession who helped me find that even keel again, by the Citizens Advice Bureau who showed me how to start. And by my parents who'd been worried but hadn't known how to approach me (I can be very stubborn).

So, as it is six months since I started on the road to being me again I guess it's time to start being me. No drugs. Just me.

Hello. How're you?

how perfectionism leads to procrastination

Yesterday on twitter I saw this picture shared and I loved it so much that I really wanted to share it with you

I don't know where it actually came from, but it makes me feel better :)

 

I don't really have time to write a proper post today, there are far too many things I've got going on. Thursday is a bit of a rush for us. I tend to have a lazy morning with madam and then we have to get ready for her to go to gymnastics at 4 and me to be at college by 6. I just have to drive us from my parents house down to gymnastics then back across town at rush hour.

 

Then I have to go across to the other side of town to get to college (still in rush hour traffic). Now this town is not big. If it was a normal trip each of those journeys would probably take no more than 10 minutes tops. In rush hour they both take a good 20 minutes if not more. This isn't that long, I know. But I only have an hour to do this.

 

And madam's gymnastics quite often overruns. I have to (almost literally) throw her out at my parents and get straight off again so that I can get to college in time to at least get myself a coffee before class.

 

And I'm still behind on my work so I have that to deal with every time I go. I hate knowing that I'm behind. This course is important to me and my hideous procrastination seems to be trying to make me fail.

 

According to FlyLady procrastination comes from perfectionism. Which sounds counter intuitive, but I can understand it. Because you want to do something properly (perfectly) and you don't think you can you put off doing it until you think you can achieve that perfection. And as anyone who knows anything will be able to tell you, the perfect time never comes.

 

So I've decided that I can't keep on making things worse for myself. I'm going to the library tonight and finishing off the work that I have to get done. Then I can have that off my head for the Easter break. I use that time (I really will) to catch up on the worksheets (there aren't many) and my reflections journals.

 

I can't decide whether to print off all my blogs and add them to the personal study part of my portfolio as they are evidence of personal growth and evolution of self. But maybe that's not necessary... I dunno.

 

So my question is, do you think they're worth including or not? 

is it time for a holiday?

I've had no chance to really get online for the last couple of days and it's been driving me nuts. I don't like being kept from doing things, though I was able to focus and catch up with some of my college work that's been dragging.

 

Having had such a stressful couple of days at the beginning of the week madam has been really suffering and not knowing whether she's coming or going. She's been really clingy with me and been worried constantly about my leaving her. She got herself so wound up on Tuesday that she made herself poorly enough that nursery phoned and asked me to pick her up. She was then fine all afternoon until bedtime. At which point she didn't want to be by herself in bed and came and clung to me until she fell asleep on the sofa next to me.

 

I couldn't bring myself to wake when she was so obviously distressed and so she got to snuggle up with me until bedtime. And then cough in my ear when we did go to bed... *sigh*

 

The next morning (Weds) she was refusing to go to school until I pointed out it was joining in day which meant that I would be staying. This was genuinely the only reason she went. I have never, not once, known her to not want to go to school. She loves her teacher and gets lots from the social side of school too. We had a good old time and it was nice to see her somewhat in her element. Even if she was sitting with me more than with her friends.

 

Yesterday (Thurs) just turned into a really non-productive morning followed by a crammed afternoon. We had to race round to get everything to fit into our schedule. Bit of a mare, but I do enjoy it when we have a purpose to our little world. Madam was at gymnastics and has now got her proper t-shirt to go with her big girl class. To say she was proud of it would be an understatement! I went to college and managed to not nod off half way through, which felt like an achievement given how tired I suddenly was.

 

My portfolio is now almost completely up-to-date and I'm beginning to relax a bit about the end of the course coming up. I'm really going to miss having that adult space to think and I'm a little worried that I might experience a new dip in my mood when it does happen. The girls on the course have all become good friends as the course calls for a certain intimacy that might have been uncomfortable at first but has led to some open and interesting discussions.

 

And now we're at Friday again and I'm going to Guides tonight. Hopefully all 10 of our regulars will be there, but it's proving an uphill battle to keep them occupied. They're so negative about pretty much every activity you suggest to them. It would be nice to knock all of their heads together and ask them why they're bothering to come if they're not interested. I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to do that though...

 

Today is the International Day of the Girl and I'm hoping we can get the Guides at least thinking about girls in other countries  and how their lives might be different. And hopefully they might see that their lives are privileged in so many ways but possibly poorer in others.

 

Madam and I had fun earlier choosing our Mother's Day presents for my mum, we've also ended up buying ourselves a present too... Oops. I'm very excited as I finally have the original version of The Wizard of Oz on DVD now :) And it was sort of free as I had a £5 clubcard voucher and that's how much the DVD was! Score :) 

   

and the cough goes on...

Gah! Failed to blog again yesterday, this being ill malarkey is getting right on my nerves. Madam and I had a pyjama day and didn't leave the house, which is where the blogging runs into problems as I can't post from home...

 

I'd been thinking on things on Friday evening and had come to some deep and meaningful type conclusions. I talked with my counsellor about how I would feel when I've finally got my life sorted and why it was so hard for me to get on and do it. And we came up with the whole I would have nothing to put in the way of my real feelings if everything was uncluttered/dealt with. 

It's a bit the same with the crap in the living room, all that stuff takes up space and gives me a tiny area that 's actually livable, which is a pain. But I was wondering why I allow the space to get full and how it feels when the stuff isn't there. And the answer is the obvious one, well, it's empty. But empty is so very bad, to me. If there is nothing to fill the rooms with I become this tiny insignificant part of my own house. I am not enough, by myself, to fill a room. So I fill it with so much stuff that I can barely move around it and then I feel safer.

 

You can probably guess that I didn't finish what I'd started in the living room as I slightly freaked out, after my initial joy, and went into a bit of a poorly/panicky place and have done bog all since then.

 

It's crazy how much this cough is getting me down, I routinely have at least one chest infection a year and have done since I was a small child. So coughing is part of my daily life almost. There are short periods in the summer where my cough might clear up altogether, but it's always back before too long just to remind me of its presence. And most of the time it doesn't really bother me. It just sounds terrible. Right now though it's like there are knife blades in my lungs when I cough. And I can't stop so my whole body is throwing itself into the fray to try and get up this stuff sitting in my lungs. Which makes me ache, my shoulders and my back in particular... God, I'm a whiny so and so when I'm ill...

 

I've achieved very little so far today too... We did manage to get to church this morning and I managed to join in with the singing, though much quieter than usual... I also coughed almost constantly through it which elicited many enquiries as to why I wasn't in bed! Oh, how I wish I was, but lying down is making it worse atm, so that's a big old "NO".

 

It's Mother's Day next Sunday and I am hoping for a slightly sticky, very glittery and almost certainly wonky card :) She is a very creative little thing and does enjoy any excuse to be let loose with the glitter. And there are certain days in the year where I totally love it! Is that wrong?

 

    

an empty space

I left the counsellors yesterday feeling emotionally drained. I was right, I did cry. I knew we'd been getting closer and closer to that sore spot that I try so very hard to hide. And I knew that it was her job to poke it. But it still hurt.

 

She and I are dealing with my inaction over all aspects of my life, and finding why I seem incapable of finishing projects. And she kept picking away at it until I knew why it was that I do it. And now, finally, I think I might.

 

I'm afraid of something, that much is obvious from the inaction. But my inability to even complete things that would be of benefit to me is the real sticking point in my life. I am building my wall of things around me, but it's not to keep people out, it's to give me something to fight against. I constantly have an internal battle going on, wherein I hate how I've let things pan out, but then don't finish off fixing them.

 

Because what happens when they're fixed?

 

What happens when it's just me?

 

Do I have to deal with my emotions then?

 

And then, only then, can I admit to the great modern problem. I am alone. My stuff fills my home so it's not empty, my worries fill my head so it's not empty. But nothing can fill that empty space in my heart I hide. I am alone and so, so lonely.

 

I'm a strange mixture really, in most cases I would chose to be by myself, I follow mostly solitary pursuits. Reading, knitting, crochet etc. and I enjoy the inner peace they help me find. But there are moments when all the inner peace in the world wouldn't be as welcome as just someone to give you a hug.

 

This is how the husband worms his way in with me. I need the warmth that he seems to exude. But I'm staying strong. I haven't phoned him once since our return from Bristol at new year. Not even just because hearing his voice is enough for me. I don't want to be in his thrall any more. I want to be strong enough.

 

But now that I can admit to being crushingly lonely I wonder how you fix it?

 

It's not like you can magic it so that all the lovely people you spend time talking to on twitter can actually be with you in your living room (and given how untidy it still is, I don't know where I'd put you all!) And I can't suddenly not be a parent so that I could go to more of the social activities that interest me in an evening.

 

So what is the answer? I'm afraid I don't know yet. But I think knowing the problem might at least start to help me look...

baby-steps to happiness

I had an OK day yesterday, bit of excessive nothing in the morning, but I managed to get going in the end. I've sorted the blog so links to other pages etc now show up in a different colour to my main text. I included all the trailers for the films I chose on the blog yesterday. Do check them out :)

 

I have (finally) sorted the bathroom sink out. I did this straight after I got out of the shower which was probably the wrong way round. But the steam in the bathroom helped lift off some of the really stubborn marks.

 

I've stalled somewhat on the de-cluttering as I've been feeling under the weather and bending down to pick the crap off the floor has been making my ears and sinuses hurt. It's a bit of a rubbish excuse, but I've been trying to make sure I'm keeping up with everything else I'm supposed to be doing. I'm getting into the routine of getting up, doing my swish and swipe a la Fly Lady, making my bed and shoving a load of washing in. I don't always achieve the laundry bit, but baby-steps are baby-steps and I'm getting there.

 

The bathroom and kitchen are slowly being reclaimed from their previous state. But I really haven't started on the living room yet. This is partially as I'm following Fly Lady's zones and we haven't done that one yet, and also because I still can't bring myself to tackle it. Next week I'm tackling my bedroom. It's probably about time I did some sorting out in there. Nothing has been organised since I moved last April. I want to organise the storage I have in there, I have lots of empty drawers and an empty wardrobe plus a massive pile of clothes on the floor.

 

Ah, the filing system of my youth resurrecting itself...

 

As mentioned, I've not been feeling that well for the last few days and it's meant I've been doing nothing in the evenings. I've started on the second blanket I'm crocheting for my friends twins, but haven't actually got very far. It's making me feel a bit crappy that I'm not making any progress when I enjoyed making the first one so much. I'm totally in love with the colours I eventually chose and think it'll go nicely with the blanket I already made.

 

I have written the next chapter to the story I posted. But I haven't uploaded it yet as I want it to link from the page I've already posted, but I haven't figured out how to do it yet...

 

This afternoon I'm going on a snowdrop walk with madam and my folks, I'm hoping the weather holds up and I get some good photos. I'll stick them on instagram later, I'm sure ;)

 

Have a good day, whatever you're doing. 

  

cake is all you need

Today is Valentines day and I've been thinking about where I am in my relationships.

 

My lovely little girl has given me a card and lots of kisses and cuddles. We've had a lovely day at our friends house making cakes and decorating them. Never leave kids alone with icing and sprinkles. Well, not if you're a neat freak anyway :) The kids have had such a good day and have (for the most part) played really nicely together.

 

We've been having nice girly chats but both my friend and her friend who'd also turned up for cake making fun are well and truly loved up. I'm not at a point where I'm ready for a new relationship, but I did feel a bit like I was the odd one out!

 

I am, still in a state of limbo regarding my relationship with K. I want to get divorced but it's way down on my list of important jobs at the moment. The whole out of sight, out of mind cliche. He's miles away and he's not particularly bothering me. I can cope with seeing him in short bursts, but the further I'm getting in my self analysis/recovery the more I know it's got to be finalised. For him as much as me. He works on the basis that I'm just kidding and I'll forgive him like I've done before. But I'm not going to. Not this time. I don't think he's ever really seen my stubborn side, I always just gave in to him for an easy life. It's time I started making some big decisions and made some steps towards progress.

 

 Until then, I'm just going to eat this cake and keep ignoring it.

 

Now, where'd I put that icing...  

 

     

good day

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Went into the market in town, pottered about, drooled over a few handbags (purple, satchel-style) and got some stuff for lunch. Went home to the parents, let them make lunch for me and madam and then escaped for a nice walk just as my dad started yelling at the poor rugby players on the TV. It doesn’t seem to matter to him that they never do what he tells them to… This being a Six Nations match and my dad’s team having lost last week we were working on the basis there would be even more yelling than usual.

We headed down to our local country park and let madam run wild for a bit. We were lucky that enough of the flooding had disappeared that we were able to make a good circuit round some of the paths, though the ponds at the top end had become something more along the lines of one giant (and really quite deep) lake. We did stop madam from jumping in as I didn’t fancy having a soggy child in the car all the way home again. We did stop off for hot chocolate on the way home but that was mainly so we could make sure the rugby would be finished before my mum got in!

I have done no more de-cluttering for a couple of days and I’m not really sure why. I’m starting to get into some of the routines I’d like to keep a hold of. I am making sure I do my “swish and swipe” every morning. I’ve been keeping my sink shiny and I’ve actually brushed my teeth every night this week. I got out of the habit of it when I was pregnant as I threw up every time I tried and it’s proved to be something I’ve really struggled to get back into doing.

I know that depression affects the way you look after yourself so I don’t think that’s been helping. I really love having clean teeth again! I’ve never had any dental work barring a couple of routine extractions when I had braces fitted as a child. I had an overbite which was my own fault (thumb sucking) and a cross bit which was not. I’m not sure if any of my friends remember how addicted I was to my thumb! I think L might be the only who knew me pre-braces! I do still suck my thumb when I’m really tired, if I know I won’t get caught anyway…

I was telling one of my college friends about the daily routine I get emailed and she was quite fascinated that anyone would need to be reminded to get dressed properly and brush their teeth. I tried to explain how depression makes you feel like you’re walking through treacle, like your world has sped up all around you and you’re always running to catch up. So if you’re not going out the house that day why get dressed? And if you haven’t got enough time in the morning because you just can’t get out of bed then you skip brushing your teeth. Being reminded that these are important jobs to do is a step towards recovery again. I can honestly say that the period of time when I couldn’t even get dressed in the mornings was probably one of my lowest periods. I made the decision, on my own, a couple of years ago that I had to make myself get dressed otherwise I would get nothing done, ever.

Now I’m just going to have to keep reading the emails I get sent and try a little harder this week to follow all the instructions. I’m going to see if I can get a proper timer to help me as it’s the one thing my phone won’t do! I genuinely couldn’t believe how much I could get done in just 15 minutes. It made me feel empowered.

That’s such a good feeling.

Random fact to end this post on: you can’t hum if you hold your nose.

 

And now you’ve probably just tried to! ;)