Lifestyle - 20 Of My Good Points

Mothers Day! It’s here again. I have been given a lovely card and a pretty pot plant. I have given my mother a different pot plant and a teeny weeny box of Thornton’s chocolates. She told me not to, but I figure a box of 4 can’t be *that* bad. 

I have become very aware this year that not everyone has the same Mothers Day experience to me, so for that reason I shall move on. 

The other day on Twitter I saw a tweet go past asking for help with a bloggers post. It asked for ladies to name five things they liked about themselves.

OK ladies, I need help for a blog post. Can you list five (or more!) things you like about yourself? I can quote you anonymously #lbloggers
— Emma Farley (@EmsLF) March 27, 2014

I thought, sure. Easy. I tried to think of five things and found after I got past the first couple I really struggled. This struck me as troubling. I did think of my 5 things in the end but it made me realise how hard it is to really feel free to like things about you.

@EmsLF my eyes, my sense of humour, my determination, my risk-taking and my creativity. That was hard to think of! #lbloggers
— Pearl Sanguine (@p_gen_says) March 27, 2014

I’ve decided that I will attempt to think of another 15 to make it a list of 20. Emma wrote a full list of 40 things and I thought it was amazing. So, here are the things I’m proud of about myself, I'll start with the ones from that tweet above!

1. My eyes. Really, they may not work so great, but having spent years not really knowing what colour to describe them as in French lessons I have realised how pretty they are.

2. My sense of humour. This is really how I choose to look at the world. I like to see the funny side and I use humour as a defence when I'm uncomfortable. 

3. My determination. This does dessert me sometimes. But I usually do the things I want to do. No matter what. I have never been afraid to do something on my own if it means I get to do the thing I want to. I have flown to other countries where I don't speak the language but mostly I just go to the cinema! 

4. My risk-taking. I think this ties in with the determination thing. I will take a risk on things that others would may be be afraid to. No pain, no gain sort of a thing! (except heights, I'm terrified of heights)

5. My creativity. I love the fact I can create things from nothing to something that is either beautiful or useful and hopefully both!

Right, so on to the next 15 things... I had to wrack my brains pretty hard I can tell you!

6. My eye for detail. I am really good at spotting the little things. Sadly, this usually means I see the tiniest errors in things too! (not always my blog posts, even though I read them through several times!) It does mean I'm really good at spot-the-difference though :)

7. My vocabulary. I am one of those people with a love for words. I like to know where they come from and I love knowing the meaning of peoples names. Pearl, my chosen name, actually is the meaning of my real middle name (complex, huh!)

8. I'm well read. I know I'm on a reading quest at the moment, but I have actually read quite a lot already! Nothing in comparison to some of my friends or my mother, but certainly above the average amount.

9. I speak French quite well. I have always loved learning new languages and French was the first one I was taught at school. I also speak German, Greek and Igbo though none of those awfully well!

10. I am a good listener. I appreciate that I have actually been trained in listening skills, but I had an underlying ability to build upon. And I feel like people can talk to me if they ever want or need to.

11. My loyalty. I have always been a loyal friend and employee. Sometimes to my detriment in regards to working!

12. I make a mean Victoria sponge. Yup, I love baking and a good old fashioned Victoria sponge is my go to recipe. I add stuff to it and play around with it all the time. I also made a rather good chocolate beetroot cake once...

13. I'm quite tall. It annoys me a lot of the time, but generally speaking, being tall is better than never being able to reach the top shelf in the cupboards like my mum!

14. I am loved. It might seem a strange thing to put on this list,  which is supposed to be about my good points. But I think being loved shows me that I am a good person, even when I'm having a down day.

15. I am intelligent. I am conscious that when I put my mind to something I can move mountains. I tend to not let this show too often. Probably a leftover from never being pushed as a kid. But if I really want to, I can work it out. (but not long division, it's a bit of my brain that's missing!)

16. I know loads of useless information. Need someone to partner you on Pointless? I'm your girl! :)

17. I've never had a filling. Brilliant teeth, yup, totally have them! I did have a brace as a child, but that's corrective, not repair work!

18. I always look to the future. I don't dwell on the past. Sure, it affects my life, but I can't change it so lets keep pushing forwards.

19. I can make it on my own. This is a new development for me. Learnt through years of experience. I might feel lonely sometimes and I might wish I had a partner to share things with. But I don't *need* someone. In fact, I can be myself much more easily when I'm on my own!

20. I'm a good mother. I know, this should be the first thing on the list! But I genuinely didn't even think of it when I wrote those first 5 things. I think I place little thought into how my parenting is something I should be proud of, I spend so much time worrying I'm wrong. But I have a beautiful, happy, strong, intelligent, confident little girl. And she wouldn't be like that without me. So yeah, I'm a good mum. And I'm proud of that!

What are your good points? Please feel free to share...

Love, Pearl.

     

Liebster Award

I got a lovely surprise when logging in to the blog the other day. I found out I had been nominated for a Leibster Award by the beautiful Sarah over at Here You Me! (Great blog Sarah, I love your 101 in 1001 feature.) It totally took me by surprise as I had not heard of it before, but now I have and it has led me on a lovely blog discovery adventure! 

If you are not aware, a Liebster Award is a way of getting other bloggers known, shared and generally getting the word out about them, if they have under 500 followers.

A few simple rules apply - 

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you

2. Answer the 11 questions given to you

3. Nominate 11 other followers with less than 500 followers

4. Post 11 questions for your nominees to answer

5.Tag your nominees & post a comment on their blog to let them know you nominated them

These are my answers to the questions Sarah asked:

1. What one beauty product would you recommend?

I'm not terribly in to beauty products really but have always loved the range from Barry M. I do love a good manicure and have been obsessed with their colours since I was a teenager.

2. How do you plan and schedule your blogging around every day life (work, college etc.)?

Plan? What's that? Ha! Having said that at the moment I am trying to get myself organised and have proper posting days and more of an idea of what each post might be about. I have spent a lot of time recently hunting down new blogs to give me some more ideas of what I could be doing myself. My next plan is to get a custom blog design (possibly from Tea Party Beauty as I'm a little in love with her cute butterfly social media buttons!) as I really want to stamp out this blog as being my personal space.

3. What are your hobbies outside of blogging?

Crafts! All sorts of different ones. My biggest love at the moment is crochet but I also knit, draw, sew, papercraft and anything else you can think of. I'm dying to learn proper dressmaking and have had a couple of goes at making things for madam like this fairy skirt and also the top to match... I also love reading and have given myself a Reading Challenge for this year which you can follow on the blog.

4. What is your favourite TV show?

My TV died just before the Olympics in 2012 and therefore I don't get much TV watching in. But I am addicted to The Great British Sewing Bee and watch it on iplayer as soon as I can after it's been broadcast! 

5. Do you have any pets?

No :( My parents have four cats who I am frequently required to look after whilst they go on a jaunt and then I also get to look after my Dad's two tanks of fish (one tropical, one marine) the fish have been more problematic, to be honest!

6. What is your favourite gadget?
I have to go with my phone. I feel so pathetically lost without it. I don't have a lot of technology having been out of work for 5+ years whilst child-rearing, but I would really like a tablet as I think both madam and I would get a lot of use out of it. I've played with an ipad a couple of times and they are quite fun... 

7. What is your preferred area to blog about - lifestyle, fashion, beauty or something else?
I blog mainly about lifestyle. My crafts, the things I've been cooking/baking (like my new Pearl's Pantry feature), my reading and just generally what I've been getting up to and what I think about stuff. I originally started the blog when I was in the middle of a depression and it was a way for me to voice what was inside that I was finding so hard to say.

8. Which bloggers inspire you?
I really enjoy reading Sarah's blog essbeevee and like her mix of fashion, food and good books. My reading challenge was inspired by the books are amazing feature on her blog. I love Tilly and the Buttons which I started following after last years Great British Sewing Bee... I also really enjoy Thread Carefully, Dolly Clackett and Hyperbole and a Half.

9. Which is your favourite season?
I'm a Spring and Autumn kind of girl. I love all the colours bursting out all over the place after winter and the warmth of the colours as they then fade away again. The bright clarity of Spring and the crisp freshness of Autumn. I love the unexpected warm days and the way everything seems bathed in a beautiful light (have I waxed lyrical enough?). Summer is too hot and Winter is wet, cold and miserable.

10. Girls night out or night in?
Oh, night in, definitely. There's nothing I like more than having the girls round, some snacks and some booze and a really good natter. 

11. Which is your favourite high street clothes store?
At the moment it's Yours. Being a big girl I struggle to find good stuff on the high street and within my budget. This gives me good choices at prices I can afford. 

So, having answered my questions I shall move on to:

The nominees; 
1. Blooming Boo Boo at Blooming Boo
2. CraftyGoggins at CraftyGoggins
3. Mona of Mona's Miscellany
4. Stacey at peppanip 
5. Tabatha and Julia at Thread Carefully 
6. Hayley at Downs Side Up 
7. Greville of Greville and the Tombstones 
8. Michelle at Marshmallow Musings 
9. Louisa at duck in a dress 
10. Nicola at nicolabishopx 
11. Sarah Elizabeth at Scandinavian On The Inside 

And my questions for you all:
1. What's your motivation for blogging?
2. Is there anything you would change about yourself and why?
3. What's your favourite book?
4. Do you have any pets?
5. Do you have a pet hate?
6. Who inspires you?
7. What's the best piece of advice you've ever been given?
8. What would you do if you won the lottery?
9. What's your next ambition?
10. What's your favourite flavour of ice cream?
11. Are you happy right now?

I really hope that all my nominees answer the questions and I will do so myself in another post :) 

This isn't the food post I promised the other day but I have some plans in that respect for another time! 

I'm really chuffed to have been nominated and have really enjoyed getting to know some new blogs whilst finding my nominees. 

Love,  Pearl.

how can a year go so quickly?

I genuinely thought that after madam went to school full time I would get more chance to blog and maybe I would be able to make my blog something really interesting... But no. I seem to neglect it for days on end now.

 

This, I suppose is in part due to just how busy life seems to have become, what with starting to do actual job hunting type activities. But also I think because I am becoming more well in myself.

 

The whole reason I even began to blog was because of my depression and how it was affecting me. I felt like I was hiding from the world and needed somewhere that I could express myself and begin to feel more normal again. And I think it has really helped me. I have learned to be able to look at myself in a different way.

 

But do you know what has really helped? Twitter. Yes, that's right, the worlds favourite micro-blogging site (WTF *does* that mean? It's a chat room for crying out loud...). But over the last year I have met and befriended so many people who show me nothing but kindness and encouragement. Supporting all my endeavours and just generally being lovely. It's the community I always wanted to live in, full of like-minded souls.

 

Obviously, my lovely friends who I have known for years have all been a massive part of it too. But Twitter even comes into that too. We are now more capable of staying in touch than we ever have been before, and we can talk as a group which is *almost* as good as having them all there together.

 

 

It is just over a year since I first came out as being depressed. I had struggled alone for quite some time before then. I am amazed at the difference a year can make. At about this point last year I was sitting crying, almost uncontrollably, in a café. My lovely friend picked me and madam up and brought us to her house for tea. I still can't thank her enough for how much that meant to me.

But now, although my demons aren't all defeated, I'm so much happier. My feelings of being overwhelmed all the time have subsided. I am finding I have some of my confidence back. I have applied for a couple of jobs (sadly, not successfully) and I think I can fight my own corner a bit more.

My beautiful, crazy, cheeky little girl has just turned 5 and I feel like a new start is upon us. I have started making the proper moves to go back to my maiden name. I am determined to draw a line under the end of my relationship. I *finally* have lost those feelings for him that were making that so hard.

I will always care about him. But as the father of my child not a partner. I finally feel free of him. And having my real name, as it were, is going to be a part of that. I feel like, with this blog, I have spent a lot of time giving you progress reports. And having to really think about me, who I am, how things have changed has done me no end of good.

I think that now I am here this blog is starting to go in another different direction. It will always be a place for me to think things through, and for me to ask questions I feel I need to, but mostly it's becoming a crafting type blog! I have another finished project for you to see, but I'll just finish this bit first...

I am so thankful for all your support. Thank you for helping me realise that life is sometimes shit, but always worth it. Thank you for being there, I hope if you ever need me I can be there for you. Thank you to whoever it was who invented Twitter and for it giving me a space to meet people who are just like me, only different and wonderful all at the same time.

(This is a really big, aww, you guys *group hug* type of post!)

So, project! I have crocheted a new hat for myself (I may need to do one for a couple of other people too (that would be one each, not to share!)). The pattern came from Ravelry. If you're into knitting/crochet it is a great site to sign up to... So many patterns!

The pattern I used was one of the free ones that is available. It's called Polar Hat and is by Pippa Wilson. It comes from her blog and you can find it here if you're interested. It's a really quick make, I made it in an evening. It uses chunky weight yarn and an 8mm hook. Her version is a rather fabulous orange, but I chose a James C. Brett marble in shades of purple for mine.

And here it is:

wow, cheesy grin or what!

It has a very small brim that gives it that bit more interest than a beanie. I made mine very slightly bigger as I have a big head! I would imagine that her design would fit almost everyone else though...

Whaddya think?  



a family tree for me

I have been trying to do some research on my family tree. To some extent it's quite easy. I know that my dad has his mother's tree somewhere and my mother has some of hers, but certain things are proving harder.

 

The most significant one being my search for what my Granddad did in the war. I knew that he had been a pilot, so I started with just a simple name search in Google. Nothing. What made it harder is I couldn't find any exact matches on his name and, although his first name is unusual as such, it is a not uncommon surname... So I ended up with loads of results for people who are nothing to do with anything.

 

Adding in his middle initial actually made it worse as I then got a whole load of results for a certain Hollywood actor! I needed to find some more specific information on him.

 

I hunted for any way to find his squadron number, because I hoped it would narrow it down. But with no idea where to start I was clutching at straws. My mum helped with that though and told me had been in the 602 Squadron from Glasgow. Typing them in brought up a museum! Brilliant.

 

We spent a happy hour or so scouring all the pictures on the site and were convinced we'd located him in a couple. There was a contact form and so I acted daft and asked them if they might have any record of him and whether they might have his service number as that would help our search immensely.

 

And they sent me the most amazing answer. Not just because they sent me his service number, or that they attached some photos to it. But they sent me a message from someone who had trained with him! They asked if I would like his email address and I just couldn't quite believe it. I had tacitly assumed there would be no-one left.

 

My mother now has the address and plans to contact him asap. We're fascinated to know if he can answer some of our questions. My grandfather told my mother that he was responsible for the shooting of Rommel's staff car (it's quite a famous incident) and even though someone else had been given the credit, it was actually him.

 

Now my grandfather had a wicked sense of humour, but he was never given to flights of fancy and something about the way he told the story as if he was reliving it made my mother believe him. She says the most convincing part is actually at the beginning of his tale. She says they spotted a staff car (because they didn't know who was in it) driving along a road at the top of an embankment and that either side was a disgusting green, sludge-filled ditch. Granddad had thought that if he shot at it whoever was inside would have to leap out and into the ditch (told you he had a wicked sense of humour) so he fired off what was the last of his ammo (he was returning from some other mission at the time). Took some pictures as that was what he was trained to do and then flew back to base. (Probably chuckling to himself all the way!)

 

It was once he was back in base that they learned who had been in the car. It was apparently very obvious from the photos. I also believe he had been upset as most people had some respect for Rommel, the desert fox. Now, as I said, we have no way of verifying this as my granddad passed away nearly 10 years ago and someone else has the credit. But it is quite convincing. And then we want to know how he ended up in Burma. Because 602 Squadron didn't. He flew with them until late 1944. Actually, until not long after the Rommel incident. Then suddenly, he is in Burma and spent the rest of the war in India and Burma!

 

Was he disciplined for the incident? Is that why he left the squadron, again, we have no idea. And, if it is just a made up story, why did he move? I know he was also shot down over the Normandy coast by friendly fire and picked up by the Navy. They deposited him in England and he had to make his own way back from there!

 

He flew over 100 missions over Germany and was an experienced pilot. I am very proud of what he did. I just wish I had more details. The photos that the 602 Squadron Museum sent show him by a plane in a group shot, in an amazing cartoon and also on a mess list.

 

 

 

He's so obvious to me in both those pictures, as soon as I saw them I spotted him. In the group shot he is standing under the propeller, the row of three at the far right. In the cartoon he is top row centre, with a brilliant caption! And, if you can see that mess list he's about in the middle of the second column.

 

Has anyone else searched for their family? How did you get on, I'd love to know. 

A design for life

Oh, before I start, this is how the brownies looked once I'd cut them up :) Oh, yes...

 

 

 

Last night I fiddled with the blog (you might have noticed the rather radical redesign). But I'm still not happy with it. Be prepared for me to do more fiddling in the near future. The reason for this faffing about is simple. I'd like my blog to have an identity that matches me. I want it to be completely unique and instantly recognisable.

 

Similar to some of the blogs I most enjoy reading myself. Not similar design wise, distinctive-wise I mean.

 

There's the lovely Tilly and the Buttons, great design. Lets you know instantly what the blog is about. Also, essbeevee who uses her own illustrations to highlight her great fashion blogs. And my personal favourite blog ever Hyperbole and a half who uses her own drawings (again) to personalise her posts.

 

I could go on for hours about unique and distinctive blog ideas. But mostly I'd like some input. What would you think sums me up? I hope you're all drawing parallels with my search for self going along with a blog identity crisis! And I think this is where my issue lies. I am so unsure of who I am and how I fit in the world it reflects on everything else I do.

 

So who am I? I know that this blog doesn't cover anything specific, it's not a fashion blog or a crafting blog. I talk about everything and anything that comes to mind. At the moment I know that I'm going to have to change how dark the background is because although some of my writing probably does come from that dark place within me, it's not what I want to project.

 

I feel like the blog is about growth, discovery, new awakenings, that kind of stuff. But how do I represent that to anyone who might stumble across it one day on their search for something to read. I would like it to really jump out at the reader, though without resorting to the bright citrus colour I've got going on my current set-up! ;)

 

So what can I think of that represents growth and change? What can you think of? I need some serious help! Maybe I should be a bit more open, I'm not sure I've ever shown my face on here, although madam is plastered all over. This is a recurring feature of my life, pushing madam forward and myself back. My college tutor asked if she was more important than me as that's how I seem to act. I didn't have an answer. The logical one is "no", no-one is more important than anyone else, and a child should have respect for their parent (this may be why she doesn't bother to listen to me).

 

But I don't want being a mother to be the thing that defines me. I am so many other things too. Sadly, the first one that pops in my head is "fat" but that's my own insecurities lurching to the fore... I have a nice smile, and beautiful eyes, and a great personality. Nothing else is actually really important.

 

I've mentioned that I used to sketch and this is a collage of some of my old pictures. So could I do some of my own artwork? Design a logo or something...

 

yeah, there might have been a theme to my old past-time...

 

 

I am a crafty type and love creating things in various different ways. I am a Guide leader and enjoy working with that age group of young people. I find them fascinating and so changeable, excited about their lives and what they will be. At that age you can also have meaningful conversations with them! Though I've not managed to persuade any of them just how rubbish One Direction really are!

 

 

 

And that's another part of it. They let me in, I'm not their parent, but I am someone who they can ask about things. I have (finally) been given my leadership training pack and can now work towards my taking over my unit (the current leader has been doing it since I was tiny). I'm quite excited to finally have it as I've been waiting for nearly 3 years! Yes, really...

 

I just need to do my first aid training now...


Update: If you're reading this and thinking, the background isn't dark, she's gone nuts. I changed it again as there were problems with the links!

 

 

Ah, so that's what filibuster means!

Strange morning. I woke up to lots of social media excitement about a Texan senator and the magnificent, marathon filibuster she had pulled off. I have to admit to 1) knowing nothing about it beforehand and 2) not being very sure of what a filibuster meant (I am not very politically aware).

 

So, I read the newspaper article and found myself crying about the achievement and the sheer amount of effort and determination Wendy Davis had put in. I am in awe of anyone who has the guts to stand up and be counted that way. I linked the article to my Facebook page to show my support.

 

But it made me think about my feelings on abortion. Which happen to be a bit complex. I absolutely believe a woman has the right to choose what happens to her body. I don't think, in a civilised society, we can justify a woman not being allowed to make the decision on whether she continues a pregnancy or not. However, I would never have one.

 

This is because I believe life starts at conception and that all life is sacred. Whilst pregnant with madam I was offered the standard testing for Down's Syndrome. It took me mere seconds to refuse it point blank. I know that, even if I had been given a positive result, I would have continued the pregnancy. It didn't even guarantee a 100% definitive answer and carried a risk of miscarriage. No thanks.

Madam's first photo :)

if you look at this one carefully, you'll see she's waving!

I should be grateful to the midwife for not even batting an eyelid at my decision and just moving on to the next thing we had to talk about. 

 

I then tried to explain it to K. Then realised I should have just left him in the dark, it only confused him. Learning disabilities are not something he had any awareness of.

 

I am not sure what I would have done if the 20 week scan had revealed serious, life limiting disability. I guess I would have dealt with it at the time. I read this amazing blog from Down Side Up earlier this month and was so moved by some of the frightening statistics it contained. It did make me wonder what options mother's are actually being given. Talk of eugenics will always be terrifying to me.

Again, I do not think that any woman should have their choice taken away though. I believe unnecessary distress to the mother should be avoided as much as possible during pregnancy! Part of the reason I chose not to know was so that I could enjoy my pregnancy in blissful ignorance.

Sadly, I think abortion has almost become another form of contraception to some areas of society but it still isn't a reason to remove the privilege.

My mother tells me that her nana could remember doctors would perform "little operations" on the Victorian ladies in their care who couldn't cope with yet another mouth to feed. This was highly illegal at the time, and obviously only open to the people who could pay for this treatment. But it probably saved some women their lives, childbirth was incredibly dangerous.

And then there are those ladies who are dying because of their unborn child. The case of Savita Halappanavars who died because of strict Irish anti-abortion laws was terrifyingly needless. There are so many more women like her around the world who live in countries where they don't even have the option that the idea of somewhere like Texas trying to take it away from the women of their state is horrifying.

Now, I know they weren't trying to criminalise it, but they were restricting access to it in a dramatic fashion by making it very difficult for women to access abortion services and limiting the ways in which it could be performed. And this is where Wendy Davis came in. She stood up for all the women of her state. She had massive public support (which was obviously being ignored by the Texas House) including that of Barak Obama. And she did it. She talked for almost 11 hours and ended up earning a 15 minute round of applause that disrupted the House the vote couldn't pass before it's deadline.

She is my new hero. Well done Wendy Davis.  

on summer holidays and memories

 

 

Looking at yesterday's post I have realise I might have a jellyfish obsession. It could be worse I guess! Had a chat with friend L about what else I might go on to do to stop my brain shrivelling and she was suggesting I look at doing a MOOC qualification (click the link, it's quicker than me explaining).

 

I've been having a browse through the available courses this morning and it surprised me just how much free learning there is out there. The next question will be whether I trust myself to actually do something on my own.

 

Distance learning is not necessarily my friend...

 

In regards to what I spoke about yesterday, I did get a response... a vote for discussion of psychological theory... Perhaps not today though! However, I may well come back to that one day when I can't think of anything else to write about ;) Not that I actually really do much planning of what I'm going to write about.

 

You'd never guess, would you!

 

So, erm, what am I going to write about today?

 

I have started to dread the summer holidays already. Six weeks is such a long time to spend entertaining a small child. I remember it being so different when I was younger. I couldn't wait for those massive holidays. The days that seemed to never end and the constant sunshine (funny how you never remember the days when it rained non-stop).

 

I remember my mum taking us on picnics with friends and exploring new places. Digging on the beach and splashing in the sea. We baked biscuits. We made cakes and scones and played with salt dough.

 

My mum must have been tearing her hair out! I only remember how much I loved it. How my brothers and I would be allowed to go places as long as we were together. Mum's theory being one of us would be able to run back for help if needed (can you even imagine that attitude now!).

 

She must have loved those days when we played out. We would take our bikes/ball/imaginations and go off for a morning and come back at the allotted time for lunch. Then out again until tea, and sometimes afterwards as well. I don't think kids have those freedoms any more and I think it's so sad for them.

 

I remember being bored. Now that isn't a fun memory, but I remember my mum would make suggestions and we would make all sorts of things to do instead! Imagination and problem solving seem to be disappearing from our children.

 

Madam is quite good at it as she's always been left to her own devices. She tends to use her time doing destructive things and it drives me insane, but I guess a child developmentalist (that is *not* a word!) would see it differently. She, in her way, is being creative. Exploring her environment and changing it to suit herself. She is playing games that she controls. Using that impressive inner voice to tell her what to do.

 

She just seems to be incapable of remembering how cross some things might make mummy. But she's four. What happens when your pour some flour out? Hmm, does that happen if you pour more? Oh. There's none left. Now what? I know, lets see what happens if you get it wet!

 

Yes, she has done that. She also once wondered whether the toilet rim block tasted as nice as it smelled (it doesn't, and you get to go to hospital). The morning she wondered if pooh made a good painting medium also sticks rigidly in my memory!

 

Oh, and she's squeezed out toothpaste and discovered it won't go back in when you've done that (she did try). She also plays with sticks. Her sticks are wands and swords and lightsabers (hehehe). They are spades and brooms and giants.

 

She questions things and she has to know how they work. This is exactly the same as her uncle D! She asks pertinent questions that adults can't answer. Mummy, what are people for? being her finest example... Why does the moon shine was also a favourite, but I answered that.

 

And I do answer her. Not make up some rubbish to keep her quiet. On the bus yesterday she'd rolled up the ticket and told me she could use it as a piggy tale in her making. And I asked what else might it be, she couldn't really think of anything so I asked her about a book she'd had with a butterfly in. And she said, oh, it could be the proboscis (that's the proper name for a butterfly's tongue!).

 

I honestly thought she'd say tongue. I taught her the proper word in September. She has not used it since... I was just hoping she'd remember the stupid book in the first place...

 

Mind. Blown! 

 

 

is youth ever wasted?

I was saying yesterday on Twitter that I feel like I have something in me that is pushing its way out and needs to be said but that I don't have the words to phrase it yet... I spent most of last night trying to pin down what it is that's hovering there under the surface. What is it that I'm not telling myself. And why am I hiding from myself now...

 

And it wouldn't come. Though I was replying to a comment on yesterday's post and I couldn't think of how I wanted to phrase what I was saying (and I'm not entirely happy with what I did write), but something did trip out there that sort of made sense.

 

I was saying about how in your own head and your own world your life is so sad and horrid and problematic (slightly worried as "Everybody Hurts" has just come on in my iTunes mix *my computer can read my thoughts!*) and you can't see the woods for the trees. And then you watch the news and you realise that your life is so small and your problems are miniscule compared to someone else's.

 

But it doesn't stop it from feeling that way. You can only live the life that is in front of you. (That was the phrase that struck me, by the way).

 

And I thought of how selfish I am. Why is my life more important than theirs? Because its mine is the obvious answer. You have a very protective streak about the things that you own/care about.

 

I've always thought of myself as a compassionate person, I have always tried to see things from others view points. I have always wanted to help people fix things and to be there for them when they need it. I think that the world would be a much better place if we all just accepted that people are all different and unique and that accepting those differences as standard rather than being something that sets people apart would make us all a bit happier.

 

Cause I couldn't care less about who or what you are, you can be my friend as long as you are prepared to accept me for who and what I am. People are all the same. And being different makes us unique and interesting.

 

I was never a herd animal, even at school. All the sheep who all wore the same clothes and wanted to blend. Wasn't for me. But I didn't really fit my chosen group either. I only occasionally wore the all black (it doesn't suit me). Instead I had the same style of clothes, but in every colour of the rainbow. I rather famously wore bright orange Doc Martens for most of my days after 15. I also had some rainbow dungarees (yes, dungarees, this was the early 90s) and I wore them all. the. time!

 

I was the one who whilst wearing my regulation school uniform of navy blue also had jade green tights and the orange docs on. My parents (apparently) got phonecalls about my lack of respect for full uniform! I *never* knew about that until recently. See, my parents are cool really.

 

I'd like to remind everyone who's known me long enough to remember how strict my dad always was with me. How did I get away with that?

 

I was told off in sixth form for taking liberties with the colour code that was in place. I was asked to stop wearing one of my skirts because although green was allowed they preferred not that many shades of it in one garment. (yes, really). They let the blue tie-die trousers slide though. I actually remember getting an award at the end of sixth form for being thee most fashionable person!

 

I maintain it was tongue in cheek, but beggars can't be choosers!

 

I really wish there were more photos from our youth around. I have a couple, which include the rather lovely V and L (not the one who had twins. Twins! *squee*) Sadly I am not wearing anything particularly exciting in either of them!

 

 

 

I didn't listen to the same music as the rest of my group either. Being that I have been in love with Michael Jackson since I was 10. I did, from 14-17 listen to almost entirely nothing else. I know all the songs inside out and backwards. I am a massive MJ geek and am (finally) not ashamed of it. Anyone who ever checks out the photos I've liked on Instagram will be aware of my obsession still going strong!

 

God I love that I can fangirl happily away on Instagram...

 

Ugh, now I'm thinking of MJ and that it's June. It'll be 4 years on the 25th. I still haven't watched the tribute that friend H recorded for me. I can't bring myself to. My heart is still too broken to try.

 

I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I used to draw. That was my crafting outlet as a youth. Well, you can probably guess what I spent most of my time drawing. I am very proud of the fact I can still knock off a recognisable MJ at the drop of a hat (Ha! Pun not intended.) but some of my old artwork is actually not that bad.

 

 

 

I miss drawing. But I don't have the ability any more. I'm not sure why. I used to be able to spend hours trying to perfect the likenesses. I lost my patience for it, I guess. I have been thinking of it more and more recently, so maybe it's time to give it another go...

 

I have drawn madam a couple of times, just quick sketches that I haven't been completely happy with. But I think I could really make a good go if I really tried. And in case you're wondering, no I don't really draw other things. Always people, usually faces. Unless madam is making me draw her things to colour in... Or I'm doodling for t-shirt designs ;)

 

Well, this post still hasn't solved that roiling feeling inside. But it's quite enough from me for one day...

it's been six months already

It appears that blogging keeps me sane. I don't like missing a day, it makes me panicky and stressed. This might not be entirely healthy. But I am off my Prozac which probably explains it.

I decided that I had to just come off it and see what happens. I can always start it again if I feel I need to and at least now I'm less worried about asking for more. But I like knowing that my feelings are all my own again and nothing is being fiddled with.

I think the blogging helps me to organise my thoughts in a way that I'd tried to do by writing them out before. But that never seemed to work for me, and I never seemed to be able to keep it up. This way, where I know people are reading what I'm thinking, encourages me to keep sharing.

I've had a couple of people get in touch to say that this blog is helpful to them in small ways and that fills me with joy. I know it's hard to keep going every day and I know it's hard to understand how other people are really feeling.

I think that being able to share some of the things that lead me to my way of thinking and what the procrastination really is can only helpful. My procrastination is the big curse of my life, but I'm much more aware of what it is and how it's actually a way of helping me. It's just a false friend and I need to learn to conquer it.

Because who needs a friend who helps you get into more trouble but makes you feel comfortable about getting there. Even if I never learn to "just do it" as some of those terrifying really organised people advocate, I do want to change and learn and grow. I'd love to at least get better at the whole organising thing!

The one thing I have noticed is that my sense of humour seems to be coming back to me. I use humour as a defence mechanism and always have done, but having not had a reason to just let loose and have fun I've not been just my usual self for ages.

And it's always when something comes back that you realise that it had gone in the first place. A bit like when I had my breakthrough at the end of last year and spent the night dancing around to very loud music (on my headphones). I realised that in the 6 months since I'd moved into that house this was the first time I'd blasted music and just danced.

I'm a dancer in my soul. I used to do ballet as a child and all the way through my teen years I danced in my bedroom, singing into a deodorant bottle pretending I was on stage in front of a massive audience. I still let loose and sang and danced whenever I had the house to myself right up until when I had madam. Then, obviously, I was never alone.

But I would put the music on my headphones as I walked her round for her afternoon nap in her pushchair when she was tiny. And I found myself dancing around the aisles of various shops mouthing the words only I could hear. In fact I'm doing chair dancing even as I type this!

And when she got big enough that I couldn't even have that headspace whilst she had an afternoon nap (and she stopped going in the buggy by the time she was 2) I danced at night when she was in bed, before I went mostly. I would put my headphones in and some slow songs on whilst I got ready for bed and then by the time I was upstairs and putting my pyjamas on I was on to the fast stuff and a quick dance before bed.

Sometimes that quick dance round my bedroom would last a couple of hours!

And then we moved house and somehow, with all the stress of moving and then himself coming home and then leaving again I lost that bit of myself too. All those little bits of yourself that you don't even know were the things that you needed to keep your sanity...

And I lost them. I lost my sense of fun, my music, my inner voice, my sleep patterns, my vague sense of cleanliness, my hope, my confidence. Just little bit by little bit. And I didn't even notice them going until they were lost. And I was in a café crying because I just didn't know how I was going to get through.

And then I was picked up by my friends, who hadn't known how bad it was. By the medical profession who helped me find that even keel again, by the Citizens Advice Bureau who showed me how to start. And by my parents who'd been worried but hadn't known how to approach me (I can be very stubborn).

So, as it is six months since I started on the road to being me again I guess it's time to start being me. No drugs. Just me.

Hello. How're you?

clothing the small child

I've been debating a "what my child is wearing" section to this blog, but I think that might only encourage her. Today she is wearing a dress which is black and white printed and I think looks like birds but she says looks like leaves. It has a neon pink ribbon belt and she has a pink cardi on. She has a butterfly headband on that I made her from a kit the other day and purple star print socks.

 

It is quite a sight to behold. For once I'm not allowed to take a photo of her, so I can't show you... The outfit in the picture is what she's going to wear to her cousins wedding.

 

We will be going up to the Country Park this afternoon as it's a lovely day and madam will need some form of exercise. She's not entirely appropriately dressed, but it'll be fine... We want to see if the flooding has finally abated. Madam was seriously amused by the fact there were picnic tables completely submerged last time we were there.

 

Currently she is glued to Mister Maker on Cbeebies so we're all getting a few minutes peace and quiet! She's really into making things and made a really quite good bee at nursery last week. Then, obviously, she has to write her name on.

 

Her handwriting is pretty good for someone who's not at school yet. She is encouraged to write whatever she wants at nursery and they do teach the letters of the alphabet. But they don't actually teach them to write. Or specifically to read either. Madam  is starting to do that, too. Slightly concerned she'll have nothing to do when she does get to school!

 

***I have to laugh, there is currently controversy as Mister Maker just drew a rainbow with the colours the wrong way round. So the red was on the inside and the violet the outside... She is not impressed.***

 

I have a parents evening to go to at her new school on the 4th June. I'll get to meet her teacher and have a look around the school. This is kind of exciting as it's my old school, which I mentioned the other day and I haven't been at the school since. It'll be nice to see just how much it's changed in 24 years! (It can't have been that long ago, can it?)

 

Then madam has two sessions to go and join in and get to meet her teacher and classmates. We have done an unintentional useful thing by having a blue gingham school dress which is actually school uniform standard. So I'll give you 3 guesses what she'll be wearing... That and her days of the week socks! ;)

 

I'm a little annoyed by the uniform as they're insisting she needs logoed stuff which costs a bomb. I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to do that. I should be able to just get some cheap stuff from the supermarket! I think we'll just be getting the jumper. I refuse to buy 2 cardigans for her when they're £13.45 each. It's bad enough the sweaters are a tenner!

 

And you know she needs two as she'll be having school lunches and will be wearing her lunch as well! Fortunately they look like they're quite generous sizes so hopefully they'll last a couple of years.

 

I actually hadn't really considered just how much stuff she'd need for school. There'll be a major buying session coming up, I can tell... There is all the other stuff on top of the uniform. She has an indoor and outdoor PE kit to get, a pair of indoor shoes and they want her to have a school PE bag and book bag as well!

 

And then I have to name it all... Oh joy.

 

what kind of things would YOU eat?

I've been having trouble trying to think of something to write about for my post today. I spent my morning catching up on some radio and TV. I can't write when I have someone elses voice in my head though, so I left the post until later.

 

I did write a little bit earlier on my feelings about rape, but I couldn't find the words to properly explain my feelings so I started and re-started a couple of times and then (as you can see) I gave up.

 

The reasons I was even considering that as a topic was because of the twitter-storm that has been created following the conviction of two teenage boys in America. The article which got me thinking is by Grace Dent and is something I agree with.

 

But I don't usually use this forum to discuss such things and I feel without being able to have a debate then it's all just another opinion...

 

But I'm still left with the dilemma of what to actually write about. The other thing that has made me think today was the programme I was watching on the iplayer this morning. It was called Can Eating Insects Save The World and it was absolutely fascinating. And disturbing. But mainly fascinating.

 

I think my favourite thing was watching the presenter hunt for tarantulas with some young boys in a Cambodian village. They could not stop laughing at his squeamishness and fear. But in the end gave him the largest of their catch to eat. And he enjoyed it.

The programme raised some really interesting points about the sustainability of our current system. Our western source of proteins and how it's reared and used is wasteful and destructive. To see one barn be used to raise hundreds of thousands of crickets for the Thai food market and see how little it took to rear and keep them was eye-opening.

 

I don't know how easy it would be to turn the western world on to this protein source given our aversion to that type of thing (just look at how much we already change our meats to make them palatable) and our lack of knowledge.

 

And I don't know if I could, personally, even try it. I'm fairly tame when it comes to my eating habits, madam and I have only just really discovered the wonders of chorizo! And I don't like my food when it comes with either it's legs or it's head still attached. I hate fish looking at me off a plate! Oh, and I'm funny about bones in my food too. Wow, I come across as horrendously picky.

 

The fact is I'm used to my safe little world where meat comes pre-packaged and cleaned up. I choose not to eats parts of animals I don't want to as there are other options available. But as meat becomes more and more expensive to both rear and eat then will I be willing to compromise and try more things. 

 

I think nothing of eating some things that others find particularly off-putting, like haggis or black pudding, so I guess it's just an extension of that!

 

Whatever happens, I'm pretty sure no one will ever get me to eat liver!