New Year 2014

Happy New Year! I don't know why I bother getting excited by New Year, I mainly just do the same things every year...

I didn't even break open the red wine like I thought I might. I mainly just sat on the sofa with madam and watched Harry Potter 2-5 (we watched 1 the day before). Madam thought I should watch the next 3 but I pointed out I would get no sleep at all if I did that.

Madam made it until the end of the Goblet Of Fire and watched the fireworks the neighbours were setting off. She then almost immediately settled down next to me and fell fast asleep whilst I watched The Order Of The Phoenix. 

I didn't even get all the way through it before I fell asleep myself! We woke up at about 5am and hauled ourselves upstairs and collapsed into my bed. We finally surfaced at about 11am this morning! Really crap parenting, I am good at! (My parents do not approve of allowing a five year old to stay up until midnight!)

We got up, madam put on one of her many posh frocks (this one is from Primark, so not sure you can count it as posh...) and came over to mum and dad's. They were (as they do every year) watching the New Year's Day concert from Vienna. I love family traditions. Madam didn't even bat an eyelid at the random classical music concert and mainly just joined in waltzing to The Blue Danube at the end. 

We have had warm bread rolls and nice cheeses and now mother is preparing the New Year's Day feast for tea. This year it's a sort of boeuff bourginon followed by Christmas pudding. Yes, I know it's New Year, put we never have Christmas pudding on the actual day as it's just too much after everything else you have scoffed!

Now, talking of Christmas, I am enjoying relative peace to type this as madam is playing with the new Wendy house that my mum and dad got her. It is quite a bit bigger than anyone presumed it would be! It is basically an enormous cardboard box that has designs on the outside that she can colour in. With doors and windows too. 

It is so big she can stand up in it (the people who have a concept of how tall madam is are all impressed now!) I shall show you photos...

Massive, huh! It fills up just about all the available floor space in my parents conservatory. I am expected to take it home and find somewhere for it in my house! It will go in her bedroom. *grits teeth* It will!

I'm hoping she will use it as a home for all her dollies and soft toys as these are what she spends most time playing with. She loves playing families with them. They get told off a lot though, it has to be said!

Oh, and madam has cottoned on to a new idea. If I am not going to be married to Daddy any more, then I can get married again. And she could be a bridesmaid. Wearing a blue dress. With a bow at the back... Apparently! 

what's in a name?

I've done it. It's finally official. My name is now changed and I am back to my maiden name. Despite my flirtations with changing it more completely I have chosen to merely revert as it's easier that way.

After all, the name I was given at birth is one I will always own and as soon as I sort out my divorce will be available for me to use again. Just this weird bit whilst I'm separated means I needed a bit of paper.

And my friend J, who's a solicitor, drew it up for me over the weekend and I signed it yesterday and that's it. She didn't even charge me for it, bless her. So all of you who had got to grips with the weird spelling that I changed it to can now try and remember how to spell the weird name you first knew me as!

my name is all over this, so excuse the massive amount of blacking out!

 

This new name thing is affecting me more than I thought it would. I woke up this morning with a new feeling of hope about everything. Its like the name has given me some of my identity back, if that makes sense. I feel like, by becoming what I was in the past, I can reclaim my future. My married name had become like a weight around my neck and I felt stifled by it. There was no future in the name so I saw no future in me.

I am reborn. Which is a stupid phrase and has rather weird imagery in my head, but is also the only way in which I can describe it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good (as someone once sang!). It was the right time to do this. I could have waited, but I needed that line drawn. And now that I am focussing on myself again, at last, I needed to be the real me. I can't imagine starting a new job, a new career as my married self. 

In my mind that is a different person, someone downtrodden and afraid of the world. No confidence, defeated. And I am emerging from that past self, shaking it off, learning and growing and changing.

My confidence went up a few notches overnight too. I feel, finally, like I am worth someone's time and attention. And a someone who is prepared to treat me the way I deserve. I still am unconvinced I'll ever meet that someone, but the ability to dream about it is enough for now.

The main thing now is remembering how to do my old signature! I've had to stop and think about it already! In fact there is a page in my notebook where I've practised it! Like I used to do when I was a kid and pretending I was signing an autograph! (gosh, lots of exclamation marks there, sorry)

I am starting anew.

New name.

New start.

New life.

New hope.

New is good.    

I never thought you'd leave in summer

Friday night into Saturday morning I spent watching stuff on YouTube. And I ended up, somehow staying up all night (at a certain point I just decided sleep would make me feel worse.) But I watched all sorts of crap. And I started watching some inspirational stories and things and basically making myself all over-emotional.

And then, for some reason I have yet to fathom, I went for the big guns. I saw it as one of the recommended next videos and I thought, why not? What did I see? Well, it was the MJ memorial service.

My lovely and wonderful friend H recorded it for me on the actual day as I was moving and didn't have chance to watch. She transferred it to DVD and gave it to me whereupon it has sat on a shelf for a little more than 4 years as I couldn't bring myself to watch it.

It flashed up on my screen and I thought yeah, sure, lets give it a watch. After all, it's been ages and I'll be fine.

I was not fine. I wept through large parts of it. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I shouted at madam when she interrupted me (she was up by the point I started watching it) and I made myself watch right until the very end when his 11yr old daughter said her goodbye to him. I don't think anyone, whatever they think about MJ, could have not been moved by her little speech.

But at the end, although I was horrendously emotional, I felt better. I've finally let it go. His dying was such a big thing in my life, for he had been such a big thing in my life up until that point, and I had packed it away. I had hidden it behind all the other things that happened in my life shortly after it.

And now that I'm finally moving past them, I have to move past that as well. I feel like I have lost someone who was a part of my family for a long time but that I have at least had the chance to say goodbye. My relationship with MJ still lives, he still sings my heart better whenever I need him to. But I'm ok with that being all it will ever be from now on.

I have had this post whirling around in my head since Saturday with the worries of how other people will react to me lamenting MJ when it's 1, a controversial issue and 2, so long since it happened. But this is *my* blog. And it is personal, that's why I have it. So there. As they say!

Though I am annoyed that I will now never be able to listen to one of Stevie Wonder's songs ever again. It just was the perfect tribute song. But I will now have to stick it in my "only when feeling totally emotionally stable should I listen" folder.

You'd be surprised how many songs I keep in there. Self editing is a marvellous process... If you are as nosy as me you will want to know which song, so I shall put the YouTube link  here sorry, it's not the *best* quality here. And if you're not on a mobile here it is for you:

I genuinely have always loved that song... (Stevie comes a close second to MJ in my collection). 

I have other things I want to update you on, but it seems inappropriate within this post. So I shall leave this one just for MJ and write another post with that in.

I will hold this man in my heart forever. Goodbye MJ. God bless you. 

how can a year go so quickly?

I genuinely thought that after madam went to school full time I would get more chance to blog and maybe I would be able to make my blog something really interesting... But no. I seem to neglect it for days on end now.

 

This, I suppose is in part due to just how busy life seems to have become, what with starting to do actual job hunting type activities. But also I think because I am becoming more well in myself.

 

The whole reason I even began to blog was because of my depression and how it was affecting me. I felt like I was hiding from the world and needed somewhere that I could express myself and begin to feel more normal again. And I think it has really helped me. I have learned to be able to look at myself in a different way.

 

But do you know what has really helped? Twitter. Yes, that's right, the worlds favourite micro-blogging site (WTF *does* that mean? It's a chat room for crying out loud...). But over the last year I have met and befriended so many people who show me nothing but kindness and encouragement. Supporting all my endeavours and just generally being lovely. It's the community I always wanted to live in, full of like-minded souls.

 

Obviously, my lovely friends who I have known for years have all been a massive part of it too. But Twitter even comes into that too. We are now more capable of staying in touch than we ever have been before, and we can talk as a group which is *almost* as good as having them all there together.

 

 

It is just over a year since I first came out as being depressed. I had struggled alone for quite some time before then. I am amazed at the difference a year can make. At about this point last year I was sitting crying, almost uncontrollably, in a café. My lovely friend picked me and madam up and brought us to her house for tea. I still can't thank her enough for how much that meant to me.

But now, although my demons aren't all defeated, I'm so much happier. My feelings of being overwhelmed all the time have subsided. I am finding I have some of my confidence back. I have applied for a couple of jobs (sadly, not successfully) and I think I can fight my own corner a bit more.

My beautiful, crazy, cheeky little girl has just turned 5 and I feel like a new start is upon us. I have started making the proper moves to go back to my maiden name. I am determined to draw a line under the end of my relationship. I *finally* have lost those feelings for him that were making that so hard.

I will always care about him. But as the father of my child not a partner. I finally feel free of him. And having my real name, as it were, is going to be a part of that. I feel like, with this blog, I have spent a lot of time giving you progress reports. And having to really think about me, who I am, how things have changed has done me no end of good.

I think that now I am here this blog is starting to go in another different direction. It will always be a place for me to think things through, and for me to ask questions I feel I need to, but mostly it's becoming a crafting type blog! I have another finished project for you to see, but I'll just finish this bit first...

I am so thankful for all your support. Thank you for helping me realise that life is sometimes shit, but always worth it. Thank you for being there, I hope if you ever need me I can be there for you. Thank you to whoever it was who invented Twitter and for it giving me a space to meet people who are just like me, only different and wonderful all at the same time.

(This is a really big, aww, you guys *group hug* type of post!)

So, project! I have crocheted a new hat for myself (I may need to do one for a couple of other people too (that would be one each, not to share!)). The pattern came from Ravelry. If you're into knitting/crochet it is a great site to sign up to... So many patterns!

The pattern I used was one of the free ones that is available. It's called Polar Hat and is by Pippa Wilson. It comes from her blog and you can find it here if you're interested. It's a really quick make, I made it in an evening. It uses chunky weight yarn and an 8mm hook. Her version is a rather fabulous orange, but I chose a James C. Brett marble in shades of purple for mine.

And here it is:

wow, cheesy grin or what!

It has a very small brim that gives it that bit more interest than a beanie. I made mine very slightly bigger as I have a big head! I would imagine that her design would fit almost everyone else though...

Whaddya think?  



a family tree for me

I have been trying to do some research on my family tree. To some extent it's quite easy. I know that my dad has his mother's tree somewhere and my mother has some of hers, but certain things are proving harder.

 

The most significant one being my search for what my Granddad did in the war. I knew that he had been a pilot, so I started with just a simple name search in Google. Nothing. What made it harder is I couldn't find any exact matches on his name and, although his first name is unusual as such, it is a not uncommon surname... So I ended up with loads of results for people who are nothing to do with anything.

 

Adding in his middle initial actually made it worse as I then got a whole load of results for a certain Hollywood actor! I needed to find some more specific information on him.

 

I hunted for any way to find his squadron number, because I hoped it would narrow it down. But with no idea where to start I was clutching at straws. My mum helped with that though and told me had been in the 602 Squadron from Glasgow. Typing them in brought up a museum! Brilliant.

 

We spent a happy hour or so scouring all the pictures on the site and were convinced we'd located him in a couple. There was a contact form and so I acted daft and asked them if they might have any record of him and whether they might have his service number as that would help our search immensely.

 

And they sent me the most amazing answer. Not just because they sent me his service number, or that they attached some photos to it. But they sent me a message from someone who had trained with him! They asked if I would like his email address and I just couldn't quite believe it. I had tacitly assumed there would be no-one left.

 

My mother now has the address and plans to contact him asap. We're fascinated to know if he can answer some of our questions. My grandfather told my mother that he was responsible for the shooting of Rommel's staff car (it's quite a famous incident) and even though someone else had been given the credit, it was actually him.

 

Now my grandfather had a wicked sense of humour, but he was never given to flights of fancy and something about the way he told the story as if he was reliving it made my mother believe him. She says the most convincing part is actually at the beginning of his tale. She says they spotted a staff car (because they didn't know who was in it) driving along a road at the top of an embankment and that either side was a disgusting green, sludge-filled ditch. Granddad had thought that if he shot at it whoever was inside would have to leap out and into the ditch (told you he had a wicked sense of humour) so he fired off what was the last of his ammo (he was returning from some other mission at the time). Took some pictures as that was what he was trained to do and then flew back to base. (Probably chuckling to himself all the way!)

 

It was once he was back in base that they learned who had been in the car. It was apparently very obvious from the photos. I also believe he had been upset as most people had some respect for Rommel, the desert fox. Now, as I said, we have no way of verifying this as my granddad passed away nearly 10 years ago and someone else has the credit. But it is quite convincing. And then we want to know how he ended up in Burma. Because 602 Squadron didn't. He flew with them until late 1944. Actually, until not long after the Rommel incident. Then suddenly, he is in Burma and spent the rest of the war in India and Burma!

 

Was he disciplined for the incident? Is that why he left the squadron, again, we have no idea. And, if it is just a made up story, why did he move? I know he was also shot down over the Normandy coast by friendly fire and picked up by the Navy. They deposited him in England and he had to make his own way back from there!

 

He flew over 100 missions over Germany and was an experienced pilot. I am very proud of what he did. I just wish I had more details. The photos that the 602 Squadron Museum sent show him by a plane in a group shot, in an amazing cartoon and also on a mess list.

 

 

 

He's so obvious to me in both those pictures, as soon as I saw them I spotted him. In the group shot he is standing under the propeller, the row of three at the far right. In the cartoon he is top row centre, with a brilliant caption! And, if you can see that mess list he's about in the middle of the second column.

 

Has anyone else searched for their family? How did you get on, I'd love to know. 

on sewing machines and dating sites

I mentioned yesterday that I've been given a new sewing machine. I am really excited about it and plan on giving it a very quick go to see how it works as soon as possible.

 

 

 

Now, my old machine was tiny so this one feels huge in comparison, but I quite like that. It's reassuring somehow. I shall spend this evening having a good peruse of the instructions and hopefully that'll be enough to get me started.

 

As I have discovered, the online sewing community is really friendly and helpful and my friend Tabatha Tweedie has already offered to give me some help if I need it. That link will take you to her write up of the Birmingham sewing meet up which sounded like it was a great fun day. I am very jealous of most of the fabric she brought home with her!

 

Madam has already put in an order for something for me to make for her. Project t-shirt did include me finding a pattern to turn a t-shirt into a dress by just adding on a gathered skirt. I quite like this idea as it was very simple (like my skills) and I have the perfect material to use for it.

 

The book I saw it in also gave good, clear precise instructions with lots of pictures. I debated doing it by hand, but after how long it took me to sew on a pocket, I went off the idea! So the navy t-shirt will have a purple butterfly print skirt added to it soon, I hope.

 

I would really like to start making madam some pretty dresses and me some simple tops (I'm a big tunic fan and I absolutely love the Matilda blouse by Tilly) But I am too big for her pattern :( I need to 1, learn how to make the pattern bigger and 2, make me a smaller so that might not be necessary!

 

I am feeling quite horrid about my general fatness at the moment and keep telling myself I know what to do about it. Yet I don't do it and then I feel bad and then I comfort eat (who invented that? I *hate* them!).

 

Yesterday, in a slightly rush of blood to the head moment, I signed myself up to Match.com! It was a bit of a laugh really, just wanted to feel like I was making an effort to pick myself up out of the doldrums. I realised it's been over a year since I officially separated from himself and although I am not entirely ready for the whole dating scene, I am tired of living like a nun.

 

A girl has needs, you know...

 

I just want to meet a nice chap and have a few dates and see where things might go. You know, someone actually nice. Not that just says what I want to hear... But then I hit on a stumbling block. It is really quite expensive to subscribe and you can do almost nothing if you don't.

 

 

 

Now, I knew I put one of my best photos on (because, hello, who puts the bad ones on). But it seems I am on to a winner. I just can't see the now 27 people who've looked at my profile since yesterday evening! It was 8 by the time I'd gone to bed... I have no idea whether any of them even float my boat.

 

So, are there any truly free dating sites out there?