A busy old week so far

Well, hello! How are you? What have you been doing with yourselves? I have been all over the place in the last few days! I shall begin at the beginning and see where we go from there.

First of all, I finished the other mitten! Here it is, complete with fastening sewn in place. Cute, no?

As mentioned in my post from the other day we went to the panto on Monday. We set off fairly early on Monday morning so that we got a bit of shopping time in before having lunch. This was quite painful as madam and I have been enjoying our lie-ins whilst we've been on Christmas holidays. But we knew we would be getting back in to it with school starting on Tuesday anyway.

So, madam and I did a bit of shopping around York and got my mum a magazine with a free sewing pattern that I thought she would like. We also got madam some Frozen stickers to go in her new album. She has not stopped talking about Frozen since we went to see it with the Guides in the middle of December. And I still love that it contains a song that references fractals :)

We did end up in the Disney shop as well, somehow... I managed to drag madam away and we went and looked at pretty shoes in Schuh for a bit before heading over to the restaurant where we were meeting my parents and younger bro for lunch. 

Having lunched hugely on risotto and ice cream we headed to the York Theatre Royal for the panto to start at 2.30pm. Madam was so excited and I was a little worried she'd fidget. But I should have known better. She sat through the entire first half completely glued to what she was watching and with her mouth open like a fish! 

When the first half finished she looked devastated whilst I took her to the bathroom. I managed to find that this was because she thought the show was over! I promised her there was another half to come and reminded her that Grandpa had foolishly promised her an(other) ice cream! She perked up rather a lot at this prospect!

The second half brought more fish impressions and another sad face as the panto finally drew to a close. Her favourite thing had been the Gene Genie and the bit where they had gone into a filmed section and one of the characters had ended up upside down in a bin. She chattered about it non-stop on the bus back to the car-park but was so tired by then she just leant on my shoulder quietly on the drive home.

Tuesday was back to school day and I also had to go and sign on. I went round to the folks to get myself ready for the Jobcentre. It always makes me feel like I've done something wrong. I got to my appointment a few minutes early but then had to sit and wait, and wait, and wait! I was kept waiting for nearly 45mins which is not good when you're already feeling kind of anxious. 

I ended up having a half an hour or so consultation when it was finally my turn. I am looking to change my job search as I am not finding anything really to apply for. They offered to sign me up to a (and I hate this title) Fast Track 2 Work course. I, of course, said yes. I'm all for a course :) The drawback is that it is in Driffield and that I had to have a one-on-one interview before being accepted. Again, in Driffield. 

And that is what I did yesterday. I got my dad to give me a lift (aren't dad's great?) and went for a chat with the lady that will be running the course. She had also come in from Beverley to chat to me (ah, yes, bureaucracy is stupid). Anyway, we drew up a learning agreement and I told her, honestly, about the things I find hard about job searching (the forms, the phonecalls, the lack of self-worth!). She has promised she can help. Excellent. So I start this course next Tuesday (14th) and it runs until 4th Feb.

Today is the first day I have had to myself this week, I am quite enjoying being back at my fave cafe nursing one bottle of diet coke for as long as possible! They know me quite well, they don't mind!

And how is my reading going? Quite well actually. I have already read 3 books this year and am about a third of the way through an actual Georgette Heyer. I'm just starting another on my Kindle and will hopefully get that finished shortly. I think this is setting itself up to be a reading year. In the same way that last year was all about the crochet and the year before was knitting! 

I seem to only obsess over one thing at a time...     

what's in a name?

I've done it. It's finally official. My name is now changed and I am back to my maiden name. Despite my flirtations with changing it more completely I have chosen to merely revert as it's easier that way.

After all, the name I was given at birth is one I will always own and as soon as I sort out my divorce will be available for me to use again. Just this weird bit whilst I'm separated means I needed a bit of paper.

And my friend J, who's a solicitor, drew it up for me over the weekend and I signed it yesterday and that's it. She didn't even charge me for it, bless her. So all of you who had got to grips with the weird spelling that I changed it to can now try and remember how to spell the weird name you first knew me as!

my name is all over this, so excuse the massive amount of blacking out!

 

This new name thing is affecting me more than I thought it would. I woke up this morning with a new feeling of hope about everything. Its like the name has given me some of my identity back, if that makes sense. I feel like, by becoming what I was in the past, I can reclaim my future. My married name had become like a weight around my neck and I felt stifled by it. There was no future in the name so I saw no future in me.

I am reborn. Which is a stupid phrase and has rather weird imagery in my head, but is also the only way in which I can describe it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good (as someone once sang!). It was the right time to do this. I could have waited, but I needed that line drawn. And now that I am focussing on myself again, at last, I needed to be the real me. I can't imagine starting a new job, a new career as my married self. 

In my mind that is a different person, someone downtrodden and afraid of the world. No confidence, defeated. And I am emerging from that past self, shaking it off, learning and growing and changing.

My confidence went up a few notches overnight too. I feel, finally, like I am worth someone's time and attention. And a someone who is prepared to treat me the way I deserve. I still am unconvinced I'll ever meet that someone, but the ability to dream about it is enough for now.

The main thing now is remembering how to do my old signature! I've had to stop and think about it already! In fact there is a page in my notebook where I've practised it! Like I used to do when I was a kid and pretending I was signing an autograph! (gosh, lots of exclamation marks there, sorry)

I am starting anew.

New name.

New start.

New life.

New hope.

New is good.    

no, not a job, a career

A view you can't get tired of.

My job hunting has been slow and steady. I have applied for a couple of things and had a consultation or two with the National Careers Service who have been really very helpful and pointed me in the direction of all sorts of things I didn’t know about. I have one application in at the moment that I am really quite hopeful about.

I have applied to one of the local schools as a Cover Supervisor. Which is a job that I don’t think existed when I was at school. It involves working within the classroom and also in other roles around the school. For example, supervising detentions or sitting with someone who is in isolation for whatever reason. I could be helping with after school activities, going on school trips as an extra body, all sorts really. But the main idea is that I cover for any teacher who needs to be out of their classroom for a lesson or so. I deliver their lesson plan and mark any work etc.

It’s a bit like being an in-house substitute teacher without having to be an actual teacher. So I can totally apply without a teaching qualification. I had a right stress about filling the form in as I am incredibly bad at selling myself and feel like an idiot when referring to myself in the third person. But my stressing worked in my favour as I got the end date muddled and handed in the form before the deadline which made me feel better.

The main reason I am so excited is that I think I actually match the person specification really well. I even had some of the desired skills as well as all the essential ones. I have to wait until the 20^th Nov before I know my fate as if I haven’t heard before then I know I don’t have an interview. But if I don’t get one I fully intend to find out why not as I think I am a good candidate. And it would be handy to work on something to help me in the future rather than dwell on disappointment.

I have seen another couple of teaching assistant type roles, both of which are in the SEN area. I would find this a really interesting place to work so am applying even though I know I don’t have the correct experience. They can only say no, after all. I also have a new plan to get some school based experience with my local LEA. I have finally finished updating my CV and will be sending that in to schools along with the correct form they would need from me already filled out (Giz a job!).

I am still really keen to find a job that would allow me to use my listening skills as I do enjoy that type of work and have been looking at both school counsellor and education welfare officer jobs. The former seem to be as rare as hen’s teeth and the latter doesn’t appear to be a need locally. Sucks. But perseverance is the key!

On an unrelated note, it's Children in Need in the UK and madam is going to school in her pyjamas to help raise money. She thinks this is a great idea and I am quite happy to donate a pound for the privilege. They work they do is inspiring and although we haven't directly benefited from their UK work I have friends who have.

In Hull they support both the C.A.R.E. project and the Visually Impaired Cricket Team. The former is somewhere that I would really like to be part of and work for. 

Oh, and one final thing. Hull is up for the UK City of Culture 2017 finals. There is a film that has been produced to back the bid. It makes even me feel incredibly proud of the city. It is time good things happened there, they have been waiting for a chance and this could really be it. The link to This City Belongs To Everyone is here for some reason it won't let me embed the video... 

The whole of the city is getting behind it and there was even a point where #HullYes trended in the UK on twitter because of it. That's us winning the social media battle, lets hope we win the title!

jobs are back in fashion

mere hours old, and after a 4-day induction, I am never going to forget when she was born!

 

 

I have had The Letter. The DWP have written to tell me that my child will be 5 soon (gee, thanks, without you telling me I might have forgotten!) and that I will be taken off income support at that point and will have to apply for JSA. Great. I am so looking forward to that. Not.

 

And why do I have to apply again? Surely I should just be moved onto it... Although, they have also stated in the letter that I may not be entitled to it, so that's probably why. As far as I know I am, but it's enough to make you nervous... And I really don't want to be on JSA, they make you feel so shit about being unemployed. Like it's some sort of choice you've made.

 

I would love not to have lost my job (that I hated and didn't *actually* plan on going back to) but I did. And then because I happened to lose my job/have a baby at almost the exact same moment as the recession hit in 2008, finding another one was suddenly impossible.

 

My plan had been to have madam and at the end of my maternity leave go back to a part-time job. Now, that would have been impossible where I did work as I couldn't have had hours that would have fitted in with childcare hence why I was always going to leave. But this was different. There were no jobs in the town where I lived. And I don't mean that as some sweeping generalisation. There were none. ALL the biggest employers had either closed or laid off everyone except the bare minimum.

 

There was no seasonal work as no-one was going anywhere as no-one had any money. Scarborough died in 2008. It was awful. Anyone with a job held onto it with both hands, no matter what it was. Not even K could get work. And he'd worked everywhere in that town. He ended up doing the odd night on a door in Driffield, but that was it.

 

So we moved back to Beverley. And I still miss Scarborough all the time. I sometimes wonder about moving madam and I back there, one (well, actually both) of her godmother's live there. I have friends with small kids, it's small enough for me to not feel intimidated like I do in cities, but bigger than here. The reason I don't is the exact reason we left.

 

There is nowhere else locally. Nowhere bigger anyway. The nearest cities are Hull and York, both about an hour away. So living back in my home town where Hull is just a 20min bus ride away is much better for me, jobwise. And Scarborough is still a seasonal town. Jobs are mostly service based and if you're one of the unlucky ones there will be no work in the off-season. Zero hours contracts are the absolute norm.

 

I can't live like that, certainly not now I have madam and that we're on our own. Actually, financially the being on our own bit makes little difference as K quite happily left me to pay the majority of everything even when we were together. He used to give me £75 a week, which he cut down to £40 without any thought of how little money that would leave me with.

 

This is another form of domestic abuse that I *actually* didn't really understand about until after we broke up. That control he had over money was another way of making me the weaker partner. Most of my debt issues started from there. I couldn't keep up with all our bills etc, and after I lost my job it just went into freefall.

 

Sorry, should have put a trigger warning on that last statement. For me if for no-one else. I have had to take a short break to calm myself down. So angry that he controlled me in so many ways and that I didn't even recognise it.

 

Domestic abuse makes you feel stupid.

 

*breathes*

 

Sorry, back to me getting a job... I am staying put in Bev as I am better placed to get a job as there is a big city and several biggish villages/smallish towns around and about for me to plum(b?) for jobs... But I do keep seeing photos of the seaside and wishing I was there...

 

But now I have to get serious about my job searching and start treating it as a job rather than a past-time. I would still prefer to only work part-time so that I could do the school run, but am aware that that is unlikely to happen. I am incredibly glad that mum and dad are local and I can rely on them to do that bit for me if I can't! But I don't want them to have to do it every day. And I'd like not to work weekends if at all possible, which would be something of a novelty as every job I've ever had has involved weekend working.

 

This is why I want to work in schools. I am considering applying for everything from dinner lady (person) up. I would love to not be reliant on the government for all the money I have. I would like for K to bother giving me some child support *laughs so hard there are tears in my eyes*. He won't. But he should. I don't get how any man (or woman) can just walk away from their child without it seeming to bother them in the slightest. How do you not care where they're getting food, warmth, shelter and clothing from?

 

I apparently, am a fool for caring about my offspring. 

 

But I am terrified with how I'm going to get on with all the form filling I'm about to start having to do. Let alone my lack of interview skills. I am so bad at interviews... I hate selling myself. Perhaps I should include a link to my blog in my applications! No, then they might realise I'm crazy...

 

I have managed to get myself a few smart clothes that would be suitable to wear to an interview and I know if I do get a chance to work in a school I have some experience with the age range. I just feel like I'm floating around grabbing at something to anchor me. I am so afraid of returning to that environment, even though it's what I need. 

 

Days are long now that madam is at school properly. Time to colour in the hours we're apart so that we can show each other our days over tea :)  

 

 

jobhunting for the tech savvy

I started this post on Tuesday and I was going to add in a link to the Universal Jobsearch website. Which is the point where I interacted with the Jobsearch website. And wow. Now, I'd heard before how awful it was, but I foolishly thought that I would be ok, I mean, c'mon, just how bad could it be.

Awful.

I couldn't get it to register me, and then when it did do it, it wouldn't let me back in as it said the email address was already registered! Yeah, that was me... Now let me in! But it wouldn't. And even when I tried just running a search it refused to tell me how to apply to the job I'd seen. By the time I'd finished arguing with it I had come to the point of no return and had to pack up and head to my Work Focussed Interview (WFI).

Now, if you've never been unemployed then I am envious of you, and if you're on income support it's slightly different. You only have to attend once every six months for these WFI things. I'm up to 3 monthly as madam is nearly 5 and I will be moved to being a Jobseeker at that point.

So, I went to see my advisor, who is lovely, but completely pointless. I explained that 1, I can't get on to Jobsearch. 2, I can't input my skills, I had to use generic ones and miss out the qualifications I actually have as they're not in the options list. 3, the website is awful and threw me out just when I thought I was getting somewhere.

I mentioned my lack of faith in this whole "lets shove everything online" plan. And she agreed. There is one computer available at the Jobcentre which apparently is already booked solid, she has been locked out of Jobsearch as she had been on holidays and is waiting to be re-instated.

This meant she couldn't look up the vacancy I'd found, either. I mean, FFS what is the point... I couldn't find it on their silly touch screen things either. The lady gave me a list of other job search websites she would recommend instead!  We did a calculation as to whether I'd be better off working than on benefits and then I left again.

Advice given: well, she did know some other websites, I suppose.
Jobs nearer to being acquired: none.

Me, being me, I then had to go and do "joining in" at madam's nursery for half an hour, then we had to go and get the bus into Hull so that we could get the bandage removed from madam's hand. Why is it that everything is always on 1 day?

But the bandage is off, and her finger now just has a slightly larger than normal plaster on it. She is almost entirely back to normal and has been told to use her finger as much as she can. Of course, by the time we'd finished and walked back into the town centre we were just too late for the bus and had an hour to wait until the next one. So we tried again on the McDonald's toy front. And, finally, success! Sadly, they only had one version, but madam was just so happy with having one she wasn't bothered which it was!

We just need to watch Despicable Me 2 now...

I also popped into one of the shops and found me a new dress in the sales :) This makes a nice change as there are no shops in my hometown that I can really shop in. I just need to be about 5 sizes smaller and then I'd have no worries... (I do hate being this fat, but I can't seem to stop the comfort eating/eating anything not tied down thing).

And then when I tried to log back on to my computer when we finally got home it refused. It did the whole computer says no thing and wouldn't even start up properly.

Luckily as I was at my parents I managed to use their computer, log onto the website of the school I'd seen the advert for and print out the form so I could fill it in at my leisure... At least I had that option, I feel sorry for the people who are not tech savvy and have only one access point to the internet.

Yesterday, was mainly about my mum getting me to buy things! I'd seen a nice pair of shoes on ebay a few weeks ago, just everyday walking all over shoes, not too fancy. But they were purple. Mum saw them and made me buy her a pair and then got me to buy some for myself. Now I'd just been watching them thinking they were quite cool, but I didn't really need them...

Also, we found a really pretty shrug for me to wear to my cousins wedding that would go with the dress and shoes that I already have. I did get the money back from my mum for the shoes, but it was still £25 (altogether) down that I hadn't planned on spending...

I also bought some more fabric... Oops. This was just a metre of cotton poplin in Peacock. I shall use it to make madam a very simple summer dress...   

thinking about thinking

 

 

Do I spend too much time pondering things? Is that even possible? I've been aware of being a thinker for a large part of my life. I like to take things in and assess them. I make snap decisions about big life changes and yet it'll take me 3 weeks to decide whether I really am going to buy those shoes I need... (Shush, I do need new shoes sometimes).

 

I think the thinking is actually one of my defence mechanisms. It's that thing where I cope by intellectualising something. I spend so long trying to mould it to a shape I understand that I lose what it was in the first place. And if I don't understand then I try shoving it into a box of things I do. I don't think I'm explaining what I mean very well here...

 

I have a habit of needing to know everything about something and I feel uncomfortable if I don't. I don't like being in the position of having a finite amount of knowledge and then being pushed into that area where I don't know. I like to be able to explain what I'm doing, to myself and to others.

 

Obviously, this is different when I am specifically learning a new skill. Because I accept I'm coming from a starting point of zero. But it's more why I could never speak French to a native French speaker because all I'd be aware of is that I might be wrong.

 

I have a friend who is a native German speaker and I have never managed to have a conversation with her in anything other than English. Even though she knows I have a basic understanding and can follow her if she is speaking to her children... And my French is way better than my German.

 

I am so self-critical about mistakes that although I taught madam to sing Frere Jaques perfectly so that she could sing it for one of my old French teachers, I would not be able to perform the same! I don't know when this overwhelming self criticism came in.

 

I was fairly (and am) fairly confident in my abilities. I am not stupid. In fact I would even say I was quite bright. I am funny and easy to talk to. I have developed into a person I hope is nice to be around.

 

So why do I then beat myself up to a point of inaction over little things? I am so afraid to be wrong sometimes that I don't do it at all. Once I know that I might be judged for my performance I can no longer perform. Stagefright then? Can you get stagefright about a job?

 

Here is the crux of what I'm writing all this for. My friend found me a great job opportunity, which was exactly the kind of thing I think I would enjoy. And I've bottled it. Too afraid to apply for fear of rejection. I am so disappointed in myself, I really think I could have been good at it. I feel like I let my friend down who went out of her way to draw it to my attention and offered help and everything.

 

But I'm terrified of not measuring up somehow. I have not been for a proper interview for a proper job in years. And I mean years and years. Nearly 8 in fact. And I haven't been constantly working in a job all that time. I have been floating and rootless. I have been allowing myself to build up all these fears and throwing away all the confidence I had in my own abilities.

 

There is nothing that ruins your confidence like parenthood. The constant second guessing yourself and wondering if what you are doing is right.

 

You know, I really didn't mean to write all this today. I was going to write about going to madam's new school last night for a look around and a chat.

About how weird it was to be back in my old school 24 years since I left. But somehow something else has hijacked me. And this is probably the thing that has been brewing for the last couple of days. Niggling away, telling me I'm not good enough.

 

Letting me know that I threw away an opportunity that I've worked hard to be given. Ugh. I really don't like myself this week. And that's partly due to those good old monthly hormones and partly just because I always do. But I *wanted* to try hard for this and I stopped myself. I didn't even notice I was doing it.

 

I thought I'd learned the signs, but apparently I haven't learnt all of them. 

 

Now I have to stop beating myself up, accept that it didn't happen. Move on. Learn that I will have another chance. Learn that I need to accept all the helping...

 

Learn that I'm not a bad person...   

 



forms and foreign countries

I didn't get chance to blog yesterday I just ended up being far to busy doing other things... Mostly I spent the large part of the day with the lovely E and we went into Hull, did shopping, had lunch and then took madam to soft play.

 

The original plan had involved the park, but the rain and/or hail put us off! So we mainly sat at MegaFun using the free wifi to chat to each other on twitter! Yeah, we are just soooo cool!

 

As MegaFun is also where madam has her nastics lessons E left us at about 3.45 and we went upstairs to get madam ready and to make sure I got a table! Madam was pretty good and joined in with most of it. I realised that we're going to now miss all the lessons after half term until my parents are back from their holidays as we'll have no car and won't be able to get there (and back) without one!

 

We will also not be going to any lessons until madam has settled in to her new school properly. So, probably not until after Christmas. I feel bad as she really enjoys it, but I know she won't behave if she's really tired...

 

The other thing I've been doing is working out what to write on this job application. I have been told about a teacher's assistant role at the school one of my friends works at. I would be able to get lifts and stuffs so I don't need to worry about the car issue. It's not quite full time plus I get all the kids holidays free which, obviously, is a major deciding factor for me.

 

I am quite sure I can do the work, and it'll be a great opportunity to get my foot in the door. I just hope I can get an interview and then dazzle them all with my mad skillz (or something).

 

I've just got to tackle this somewhat enormous form, but my friend is going to check it over for me which takes some of the pressure off me. I haven't filled in an application for ages, so I'm really not looking forward to it. Add to that my aforementioned fear of forms and I am a little terrified!

I also am having traumas about a potential interview, it's even longer since I had a proper one and I have always sucked at them. I'm just not very good at selling myself. I also give much too honest answers sometimes. It's never good to tell the interviewer that in 5years time I see myself living in a different country!

I've actually been thinking about moving abroad again recently. I say again as I was seriously considering it when I was younger. Then life got in the way (I find it has a bad habit of doing that) and I didn't go. But I've been thinking about new beginnings and where I would like my life to go and the thought of moving popped up again.

I've always been somewhat of a homebody, but I actually have an unsatisfied wanderlust going on too. I did somewhat indulge in it by going to Germany and France on my year out and then I lived in Greece for a while with K. I really enjoyed those experiences, but actually where I've always fancied going is Canada.

I'm not sure why Canada, but I have just always wanted to go. Possibly as I have some family over there and I've always wanted to go and visit, and possibly as I think the scenery is awesome... Bit like my desire to go and drool at scenery in New Zealand!

So, yes, I might move, but it isn't going to be any time soon. Madam would have to be involved in any decision regarding that kind of thing after all. And I guess K would have to have a say too...

I shall go back to thinking about my form and I'll let you know if I get anywhere with it...  

  



on Guides and their cooking

Apparently I have to start by apologising for my horrendous grammar yesterday! I'm useless at punctuation and was a victim of apostrophe overdose. I do try, but I've never been any good at it. Neither has my dad I might add, but my spelling is usually ok.

 

I have been having a couple of days of butting heads with madam and its getting very tiring/boring. She is refusing to do anything that I ask her to and I'm doing my best not to throttle her. She spent most of today naked as she refused to get dressed. Lovely.

 

I have achieved very little today but I have managed to get the ingredients for the Guides to have their Ready, Steady, Cook challenge tonight! I have got them some French bread, mozzarella, ham, tomatoes and melon. They'll both get the same bags and 20mins each to prepare something with it.

 

We attempted the same idea last week and let the guides bring their own ingredients which was fine to a certain extent, but they did very little with the things they'd brought and we thought they could have put some more effort in. So this week I hope they'll have to think a bit harder.

 

I did also buy them a box of chocolate fingers as a prize :) I totally think the leaders will be knicking some of those. I have got the same ingredients for us to have a go as well! I'm guessing we'll not be allowed to win though :(

 

I'm guessing we'll be going outside to play some rounders as well.

 

I'm watching Pointless whilst I'm writing this and being depressed as usual by the literary knowledge of the contestants. Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet are not from Sense and Sensibility. And apparently only 26 of the hundred knew where they were from *weeps*

 

This is why more people should read!

 

Or at least watch the TV adaptions ;)

 

I have got a letter from the courts telling me that they're applying for me to be removed from my property in 14 days. This is after I've filled in a form and posted it back. I also can apply to have it extended to 42 days. Yay.

 

Life can be so fun sometimes.

 

 

 

  

 

anxiety and how it eats into me

I had to go to the council this morning, *had* to. I needed to register as someone who will be homeless soon. Well, hopefully I won't, but best to have that back-up plan actually in place and not just as a theory in my head. This meant facing various types of my own anxieties. I have to say that the major selling point of this plan was that I didn't have to phone anyone. 

I should really have gone yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to. I'm really struggling with my paranoia about being able to manage things on my own. I have to force myself into doing things. I did manage to cook dinner last night, which is something I couldn't manage every day last week and we cheated a couple of times. 

I always feel so much better when I know I've cooked and have control over what exactly madam eats. I prefer to think what I feed her will be healthier than what I just heat up and bung at her. 

But back to my fears about going to the council. It's got many things wrapped up in it. To do with my fears about what is going to happen to madam and I and also with dealing with authority figures. Oh, and I hate (loathe) form filling. The fact you fill out the same information over and over again without seeming to get any further. I started this particular fear when I was made redundant and then the husband was. 

I had to fill in all the forms that we both had. I wrote and wrote and wrote the same things over and over. And with every form I wrote and every time I repeated myself I got more and more wound up about it. Until the point where I couldn't bear to do it any more. And then because I didn't fill in the one form I couldn't fill in the next. And so on and so forth. 

It's why I struggled so long to fill in the forms for my housing benefit and got in such a mess. It's how come I couldn't face sorting out my benefits claims when it all had to be changed again. It's all knock on and the dislike of having to deal with authority stems from it. I'm not sure what I think will happen to me, I know I don't like the condescending looks or the feeling that I'm being judged. 

I feel like I'm not strong enough to deal with it. I want someone else to do it for me! This is really not a logical or helpful mindset, probably comes from a desire to not be the one who *has* to do it again. Again.

The last time I had to go to the council and get my benefits sorted I just told them straight out that I couldn't cope with the form and the man I was seeing didn't even bat an eyelid and just filled in all the sections as we went along. Knowing that I am obviously not the only person who has asked for help with this makes it easier to ask again. 

But I still have a massive (why do they make them so big?) form that I'm to try and fill in as much as I can of before my appointment on Monday. I think I might need some help. Luckily I now have a friend who works for the council contact centre who has said she can give me guidance. Excellent. Not quite someone to do it for me, but close.

So, then there is the waiting. This is the main thing that I have fear with on the phone. When I have time to sit and worry about something that's when it spirals and magnifies and becomes insurmountable. I cannot cope with that void for some reason.

I had to take a number and sit... I did notice that I was the next number so I was able to hold myself together and spent the time finding all the information I knew they would need to see. I managed to make the time pass quick enough and when it was my turn I explained and the lady gave me the now prerequisite form for me to fill. Now strangely having to fill it in whilst she was there seemed to work to calm me down enough to get it started. 

She photocopied my eviction notice and made me my next appointment. I was then left to finish off said form at home (as mentioned above). 

Most important part is that I have done it and now the steps are in place for me to get some more help. Lets just hope I don't have a breakdown with worry over the weekend...

Ok, need something cheery to end on... how about this:

It's a baby turtle on a jellyfish :) Awesome...