well, that was unproductive!

Today I have sent madam to school with her new Christmas jumper on as it's non-uniform day. The payment was a donation to the Christmas hamper they're raffling off. Judging by what I saw going in to class this morning it's going to be a rather biscuit heavy hamper this year! 

I am genuinely fed up of being ill now. I have had a cold for over a week and in particular a chesty cough. Even though I have had antibiotics for the cough it seems to be getting worse. It's really putting a dampener on my mood. Also, I am constantly exhausted so have achieved nothing in the last few days despite having access to a car :( 

My plan was to dump a whole load of stuff off at the tip and take a bit more control back in my house whilst we weren't living in it. Total fail. I haven't even managed to get to the gym (I should be there right now, but as soon as I start exercising I can't stop coughing (or breathe)).

We have been at mum and dad's house this week as we've been cat sitting for them whilst they've been away. But, due to the storm that's been going on for the last couple of days, they got stuck in Edinburgh for an extra night. This also meant that the stuff I thought I would do last night at home I also haven't done because I wasn't there :( I feel bad for everything getting so behind.   

I was hoping to avoid another bad go with a cold this year after I ended up on pneumonia meds because of a cough. But I think I really am going to have to go back to the docs and ask for further drugs. Though I quite want different ones as these ones have not really agreed with me, leaving me with headaches and other side effects.

I have guides tonight which I am quite looking forward to. We are doing Christmas crafts at the moment and I am quite keen to finish off my Christmas pudding pom pom :) Also, it means the guides will not be too loud and exhuberant! I don't think I could cope with them jumping around too much tonight... 

fudge making and other stuffs

Today I 1) feel like I look in this flattering photo and 2) wish I was still at home in my amazing warm dressing gown!

 

 

I have set up madam's outfit blog, you can find the first post at this link: A Dizzy Fashion Story: Skele-fun. As she has birthday in 3 sleeps (the countdown of sleeps is literally the first thing she says to me when she wakes up!) this weekend's post will probably be her party outfit. I have bought her a body glitter stick, which, thinking about it, might have been a foolish plan!

 

I made fudge with my dad yesterday, this is because, despite having attempted to make it twice, it has failed both times. I found a recipe on this lovely blog and it had really good, clear instructions. Now, my dad is a chemist, he is trained to follow instructions precisely, how he has failed twice is beyond me!

 

So, I put myself in charge and followed the steps as laid out on the blog. My dad had to help with the final step, my arm was starting to drop off after so much beating of the cooling mixture! But we got something that looked a lot like fudge at the end of it. And, it had actually set mostly by the time I left to go to the gym! Given his last batch didn't even set up when mum shoved it in the freezer I think we can call it a success.

 

By the way, just how do you achieve that? It wouldn't even freeze?! I will admit that I don't think this version is perfect. Even though I thought I had melted it all down properly when we were beating it I noticed it was still a bit grainy, like not all the sugar had properly dissolved. I'm pretty sure it will taste okay, even so...

 

I also finally got rid of madam's old bed yesterday. It broke ages ago and then my dad took it all apart the other week whilst H and I had fun with the We Watch Film guys and watching Labyrinth. The pieces have been stacked up in madam's room ever since. Along with all the packaging for the new bed. But now it's all gone and no-one has to negotiate large cardboard box in the hallway! Result. 

 

I *didn't* get any more crochet done though, which I had planned on doing yesterday evening. I mainly messed about on Fruit Ninja whilst sort of watching Batman Begins and Casino Royale. The latter made me extremely late to bed and I had to really force myself out of bed this morning. Although, madam still beat me on the not wanting to get up stakes. And she went to bed at 8pm!

 

I might try sending her a bit earlier tonight as I am having so much trouble getting her going in the morning. We were actually late for school this morning. Despite living about a 10 min walk from the school gates. We didn't leave the house until 8.45, which is the moment when her class usually goes in with their teacher! I am a stickler for punctuality and her being late winds me up no end. And I have no idea how to improve it. I can't dress her, she's too old. I can't make her hurry up, she doesn't seem to care. I have tried threatening to send her in the nude, but she knows that's an empty threat as she has to be in uniform... What do I do? I can only try making her get up earlier so that she has more time to get ready. But then *I* have to blooming get up too. Urgh :(

 

I might actually have to go to bed at a reasonable hour myself! Ha ha!

 

Today I am mainly spending doing blogging and some research for a future post (I know, so not like me!) also I need to order my tickets for this months Classic Movie Tuesday (Ghostbusters, FTW!). I need to get maps from the Tourist Information centre so that I can start planning out a route for the Guide treasure hunt thing. Also, need to think up a prize for them... At some point I might even do some more crochet. Madam is proving far too big for the pattern I have and I keep having to increase things! I did buy an extra ball of yarn, so it's not too much of a problem. Though I have realised the colour is pretty much the same as her school uniform! Oops. Good job she likes burgundy...

 

I also, at some point, need to wrap madam's presents (including the ones from V and her dad) and on Thursday I'm cake baking/decorating! I have bought some really pretty candles which are supposed to burn with coloured flames, so we shall see :)

        

a rather different weekend than planned

I am exhausted! I have had possibly the most worrying weekend of my entire life and we're still coping with the fall out now.

 

It started off so well. I went to Guides as normal on Friday evening and came back really positive about what we're doing over the next half term. Madam had been coming down with a cold most of the week. Same as ever when we start a new term! I have it as well, she's so good about sharing!

 

Anyway, I came back on Friday evening to find her fast asleep on my mum and the news that she'd thrown up all over my dad. Oh dear. She was prodded and made to wake up so that we could go back to our house. But she made a massive fuss and we decided that if she went straight to sleep we would stay the night. And she did, though we noticed she seemed quite chesty and a bit wheezy when we put her down.

 

At 5 in the morning my mum prodded me awake and told me that an ambulance was coming as madam was having difficulty breathing. I got up and went into my parents room where she was propped up in bed and was obviously struggling for every breath. Not good at all. Mum said she'd got into bed with them and was puffing and panting so much they'd phoned 111 to get some advice. The lady had asked to listen to her and decided to send out the ambulance.

 

And we got two! The first one arrived shortly and explained that a warning light had just come on and that another bus was coming to *actually* take us to the hospital. They checked madam over and put her on a nebuliser and asked her to recite a nursery rhyme to check how she was doing. She sang Humpty Dumpty but could barely get to the end of the sentence without gasping for breath.

 

We got taken into the ambulance (the new one) and blue-lighted to the Hull Royal Infirmary. Madam was a little upset she didn't get the sirens, but we explained they only use those when the traffic is busy. Which it is not at half past 5 in the morning.

 

We got to the hospital for about 6 and were admitted to A&E. We waited there until 9 and then got moved to the children's A&E as that was now opened. From there things moved much faster (the main A&E was stacked to the rafters, bless them, they were so good with her).

 

The children's A&E gave her 10 puffs on a Salbutamol inhaler at 9.15am and sent her up to PASSU (Paediatric Assessment Unit). They assessed her again at about 11.30am and despite the fact madam was leaping about and destroying the triage room the Doctor said she was still really working for every breath and she was given another 10 puffs. We were told that until she could go 4 hours between treatments she wouldn't be going home.

 

So they found us a bed and madam some lunch and we settled down to wait. Well, I did. Madam doesn't understand the concept of resting so went off to cause chaos with anything possible. At 2pm they came back again and decided she needed another 10 puffs. She also got a dose of steroids which apparently, tasted vile (Mummy smirking may have happened).

 

They wanted to leave her 4 hours and said they would come back at 6 to reassess and then we might be able to go home. Due to a bit of a mix up in communication she was given another 6 puffs at about 4.30. We then had to wait until about 8 for the Doctor to come around to her. He said he was thinking that she might need to stay but that with another dose she might be able to go.

 

However, she fell asleep (passed out from exhaustion, you choose) before they could give her it. She was given her 10 puffs whilst she slept and put on a pulse ox monitor. It showed she was still struggling and they decided, to be on the safe side, we should go up to the children's ward and spend the night.

 

As it turned out it was a good job she stayed. They had her on a monitor and I could only watch as her oxygen saturation kept dipping down. They put her on the lowest rate of oxygen. It helped, for a while. And then she needed a bit more help. And then more. They put her back on nebulisers instead of the inhalers and she levelled out when they started her on 35% oxygen. Now, that much oxygen sounds very scary, and fortunately I didn't realise she was on that much at the time. I crept into the bed next to her and fell asleep because I was so tired.

 

Sunday morning

 

 

We were woken at 6am when she had another nebuliser and then... She was awake. And spent the rest of the day causing chaos and getting under the poor nurses feet. We finally managed to get her to 4 hours between inhalers though. They had said that if madam had a nap and they could monitor her breathing then we might be able to go home. But madam refused to settle until after tea. She dropped off for about an hour or so and so did I. Sadly it was too late and we were in for the night. Again. I have to say we both slept quite well. Tiredness overtook us both and we slept pretty much through until morning.

 

So, Monday morning when we woke up she had her inhaler and we were told that we would be going home as she'd had such a good night. Just had to wait for the Doctor to do his rounds and discharge us. We saw him about 10.30am and then had to wait for our discharge letter. But we left about 2pm. We went downstairs to the pharmacy as madam had another inhaler (the Salbutamol one still) to collect.

 

Then we just had to wait for my dad to pick us up. We sat in the foyer for a while and madam ended up wearing my coat and curled up under my chair fast asleep! No idea how she managed that. It was very noisy in the foyer, and I don't imagine the floor was very comfortable!. My dad had to pick her off the floor and carry her to the car. A nurse happened to walk past at that point and I think we slightly concerned her with what must have looked like a collapsed person on the floor. We reassured her she was just asleep and we finally left the hospital.

 

I was so glad to get her home and took the decision to keep her off school again today as she is still supposed to be resting and I don't think school is really the place to do that! She will go back tomorrow though as she has had another good night (and I expect her to again tonight). Her school are happy to give her her inhaler when she needs her dose and I think it'll do her good to try and get back to her routine.

 

I'm not sure I appreciate madam's propensity for being admitted to hospital, lets hope we'll not be back again for quite some time to come!  

late nights are the enemy

Sometimes, when it gets to stupid o' clock and most people have gone to bed, I start thinking about all the deep things that I really shouldn't. I start wondering about how I have got to this point in life without a clear plan or goal for myself. How I am still so afraid to go out and live my life and stop hiding from it.

 

Because realistically, most people have an idea by now. Even if they're not doing their dream job (for whatever reason) they 1, know what their dream job actually is and 2, are resigned to being in an ok job that pays the bills. I know I am making massively sweeping generalisations here, but its my blog and my thoughts, so nerr! 

 

And that's part of it. I am so convinced that everyone else must have it together by now. I am so envious of my friends that seem to be in jobs that, although they aren't perfect, are what they want. Or the friends who have taken that plunge and started their own business (have you met Gekoglass, their work is amazing  ). You can follow them on Twitter too.

 

But I am here on the side lines feeling marginalized and alone. I know that I am feeling this way mostly because I have not been in work for so long and I now question my abilities to do anything. But also society has this habit of constantly complaining about the unemployed. Making me feel that I am worthless and living this fantastic life that other people have to pay for.  

Its that same feeling that I always have when they start talking about the dumbing down of exams just before the results come out. I remember them doing it before I got my results too. And it makes you feel that all that hard work and effort isn't valued. It doesn't matter that you did the best you could, because everyone is under the impression it was all so easy.

I remember thinking how hard GCSEs were when I did them. And being so surprised by how much harder A Levels were, even though they had warned us about it, a lot. And I'm sure the teenagers I know who did their GCSEs this summer thought they were really difficult and they will have had it drummed into them just how important these exams are. 

I hate that we expect our young people to have their lives planned out from the age of 14 when they make those all important GCSE choices. Nowhere are they told that it's never to late to learn something new. That just because you are utterly convinced you are going to work as a translator in the European Union that that is what you will do. 

That by the time you've left school at 18 you'll already have realised that isn't the job for you and gone on to something else. But now you've not got the right GCSEs and A Levels. But no-one tells you it's ok to drop out and think about it for a bit. There's this constant pushing to get everyone into university and to have a degree. And I don't believe everyone needs one. I don't think academia suits everyone and in some cases it puts them off altogether.

I was so convinced at 14 that I would be a translator and no-one told me that I might change my mind. I was convinced at 18 I would be a travel agent (bit of a blip there, no idea why I was so sure of that one). And then when I was doing my degree I realised that I love museums and how they work. And what I wanted to do was go into museum management. 

But then the real world came along and informed me just how ridiculous I was to have that idea now. I couldn't get on to an MA course with my degree and if I wanted to work through the ranks instead I would need to volunteer. But all the best museums have 2/3 year waiting lists just to volunteer. And then when you do volunteer, how do you live? 

So I took a job that was supposed to be temporary, to reassess what I wanted to do. And that was in 2000 and I still don't know. I have no idea what my path really is. I really enjoyed the counselling course I did, I think I could actually be quite good at it. But I have hit the price wall. 

This year they have introduced a 2 tier system. If you are under 24 the courses are subsidised. And for if you're over, well, it's a lottery. In the case of my qualification, you're not. The price to do the Level 3 course is now £545 for 24 and under and £2545 for over 25s.

I can get a loan if I want.

Except I don't want. I still have my student loans from Uni waiting for me to pay them off. This is why they are then surprised when I am at the Jobcentre. They won't fund me for any further study because I have a degree. And so I'm left to fend for myself and I don't know what to do! The advisors are given that title for no good reason. I have never met one yet who can help me.

I tell them my qualifications and then I say, but I don't know what I want to do. I only know I don't want to go back into hospitality/catering if possible. But that's where all my on-the-job experience actually lies. And they're as stumped as me. Without me to tell them what I'm looking for, they're lost. 

They accept that I want to change my career, but on the flip side they are there to get me in work. And I can do hospitality/catering but I don't want to. So I'm sure they think that, come October when I go on to being an actual Job Seeker, I'll be a nightmare.

And I am looking for work, in schools mainly as that's where I feel I might be happy. But I haven't the right experience for that. It's all so goddam frustrating. I had hoped that we'd have gotten out of the experience trap once we'd left youth, but no... 

It's 1.30am, I should shut up and go to bed. None of this will make sense to me in the morning!    

Bristol baby!

I have taken my laptop all the way to Bristol and back this weekend without getting it out to write once. I'm a little impressed with myself, but also sad that I haven't posted for a couple of days.

 

So Friday night I spent (after Guides) waiting for K to come and collect me and his daughter as he wanted her to come down for carnival in Bristol over the weekend. He was old any time after 9.30pm to give me time to get home from Guides and throw stuff into a bag. It was approx. 11.30 when he finally arrived.

 

Then, and I knew he would, he announced he was too tired to drive all the way back again and could I do it. I would have refused only madam would be easier to transport whilst sleepy and I didn't really want him spending the night if I could help it. So I drove. And it was fine (it's a pretty easy drive really) The only part where I was concerned about whether I was heading in the right direction was round Birmingham. I just resolutely followed the signs that said SOUTH WEST as I figured that was where Bristol was.

 

After wrestling the sat nav from off madam's back window I finally managed to check where I was and found I had been right and should just keep going. In case you're wondering, madam had been using it as a night light! As she was sitting directly behind me it wasn't easy getting it back! And yes, K was asleep whilst this was happening.

 

Anyway, we arrived at stupid o' clock in the morning and headed straight for bed. Surfaced at about 11am and headed for L's for baby twin cuddles :) Was rewarded by having one thrust at me along with a bottle (L was having a carnival party and she figured her breast milk may end up as rather alcoholic!). I spent most of the rest of the day cuddling one or other of the twins whilst chaos happened around us and got to do lots of feeding/burping. Perfect for broody ol' me really :)

 

madam and R

lovely little M

 

 

Madam went to the carnival in the afternoon with her dad (who was asleep until  at least 2pm) and came back a couple of hours later with an enormous grin on her face and a balloon which was almost the same size as her. I think we can safely say she'd had a good time. She went straight back to playing with all the neighbourhood kids and I finally managed to drag her away at about 9pm. She was being very naughty and running away from where she'd been given permission to (safely) play. I figured tiredness must be taking over and I'd get her in bed with no problems.

 

 

 

Oh, how wrong I was. For a start she was on constant look-out for her dad who had gone back to carnival after bringing her home. Also, it was ridiculously hot and sticky and she couldn't get to sleep. I had let her stay up and watch the end of Evan Almighty so she could have time to unwind and cool off from all the running around, but that didn't work.

 

Then she refuses to go downstairs as it was too scary... I'd love to send her to live with Zombie Nanny for a week and see if she's still such an unco-operative little madam by the end of it. She ignores everything I say and gets her own way far too often. It has to end...

 

None-the-less, she ended up curled up on the sofa next to me until she fell asleep about 11pm... And when it got to 1am and I realised I should really lie down to prevent complete exhaustion attacking me she still refused to come downstairs.

 

So I left her on the sofa. I figured she'd come down when she realised she was alone in the dark up there. And at about 2am she did. Complete with much wailing and gnashing of teeth that I'd left her :) Himself returned at some point, but I didn't hear him and he says he has no idea what time it was!

 

We slept until about 10.30 and then got ourselves organised to go and see L again. More baby cuddles for me, and madam went to play again. But the day was so warm they were constantly in and out for drinks/ice lollies.

 

L was exhausted as she'd been up far too late after we'd left her. Madam and I apparently beat her to bed! And we weren't breastfeeding twins through the night... Poor love needed a nap. So I had lunch with her and a nice chat with L and one of her neighbours and by 3pm thought it was probably time for us to head back north. Managed to round madam up and get her to do kisses. She takes great pleasure in kissing L's older boy who's 7 and hates it...

 

And then it was time to leave again. Except we didn't, Murray was playing and we foolishly started watching it. Then K announced he had to go and get something before we left. This didn't even surprise me. He always needs more time than I think he possibly could. Must be genetic as madam is the same! We eventually got going halfway through Murray's second set. And he always listens to CDs so I couldn't follow it on the radio :(

 

We finally got back to our house at about 9pm and even though madam had been asleep for a good hour and a half in the car, now wouldn't go to bed again. Again she complained of being too hot. I did everything I could think of to make her cooler, but it wasn't working. She ended up lying on the living room floor wearing just her pants... I sent her packing when she tried to steal a drink and fortunately the sheer exhaustion kicked in and I didn't hear from her again.

 

But I have to admit to spending the night on top of my duvet because even when I went to bed an hour or so later the upstairs was still tropical...

 

Himself? Well, he "popped" up to Scarborough after dropping us off! So glad I don't have to put up with that any more... 

tiredness can kill, take a break

 

 

I'm tired. Not just a bit sleepy, but suddenly and hugely exhausted. I think it's the weekend and everything that happened catching up with me. I knew it would happen, but I wasn't sure what form it would take. I'm quite glad I'm not just a weepy mess for a change!

 

But I am feeling too tired to think of witty and enlightening things to tell you. I would like to say how great the support I've had from everybody about this weekend has been. My Guider rang last night to check how madam was doing and all of Twitter and Facebook is awash with people giving me and madam lots of love.

 

It's so nice to be reminded of all the good things in the world sometimes.

 

So for today, just whilst I go away and sleep for a bit to try and recharge before I have to deal with madam's energy levels later, I shall bid you adieu!

in which madam gets surgery!

 

 

*warning: this post has some gruesome pictures in it*

 

Well, the last couple of days have been a lot more hectic than anyone could have anticipated. I went off to guides on Friday night with my shiny new leadership pack and a whole load of shoe boxes (you know, for the guides who don't like crafts).

 

The guides had more fun than anticipated sticking bits of tissue paper onto boxes and decorating them with various stickers and things. But they don't like crafts. In fact they got so involved we were over-running given we had 3 promise ceremonies to get through.

 

Now madam was with me as I can't leave her on her own and she was sticking things on her own box and generally joining in really well, but promise ceremonies are boring if you're 4 and you don't get to be in them. She did start off trying to help me give out the new neckers, but it didn't go too well...

 

So she went out of the hall to play in the foyer whilst we finished off and packed up. She found the tombola that the school had been using for their summer fair earlier in the afternoon and was happily spinning it and being out the way and quiet.

 

And then suddenly she wasn't.

 

She came racing back into the hall saying she'd hurt her finger and I could see it was bleeding and she was obviously in pain. I took her into the toilets to rinse it under the tap and wrap it up a bit. I brought her back in the hall and had a look at what she'd done and had that instant realisation that we would need to take her to A&E because if nothing else it looked like she'd need stitches.

 

The caretaker went to get her some ice to try and numb it a bit for her and then we had to get a lift from my guide leader because I'm still car-less at the moment. This is complicated by the fact that she is in a wheelchair so she has all her stuff on the back seat so she can get the chair in and out the boot easily. So after some re-jigging of stuff we set off for the local MIU/Out-of-Hours service.

 

Sadly, the Doctor who was there said there was nothing he could really do and it would definitely need an x-ray and as there wouldn't be x-ray services there until Monday we'd have to take her through to Hull Royal. On a Friday night. This did not fill us with warm fuzzies, I can tell you. However, I was wrong. We got there to find that we were in the new improved children's A&E section. There were toys everywhere, Shrek 2 on the TV and it was open and bright and completely non-scary.

 

And after a good long wait we were called through and the Doctor sent us for an x-ray. Now this bit, for some reason, was really frightening madam and she was not keen. But she was brilliant, sat really still and did exactly what the Radiographer asked her to (why, why does she not behave like that for me!) and got a sticker at the end of it. They asked us to wait outside for her pictures to come through and then came and gave me the reference form we needed to take back to the Doctor. At which point madam demanded to be allowed to see her special pictures! The Radiographer decided that as it was really late and she'd been so good that that would be ok! So we got a sneak peek and madam was thoroughly fascinated to see inside her hand...

 

The Doctor said that he didn't see a break but that the plastic surgery consultant wanted to have a quick look and would schedule us an appointment. Now I, foolishly, presumed this appointment would be on Monday. I was wrong, she had a look and then asked us to come back tomorrow morning at 9am and could we just wait here to be bandaged and thank you very much. I'm afraid I had a bit of an ungrateful reaction at this news.

 

I have no car at the moment! You want me to come back first thing tomorrow, we're not even from Hull... Consultant said it didn't have to be exactly 9 and did I really have another choice. Obviously, I hadn't meant that we wouldn't come, it was more that it was already gone midnight and I was going to have to spend a fortune getting a taxi home, then pay out for the bus in the morning, and I didn't even know if there would be one to get us there on time.

 

I kind of said no, of course we would be there and that as long as no-one expected us bang on time, we'd be there. We then had another half an hours wait before someone had time to do bandaging and we got a lovely student Nurse who chatted away with madam about nursery and guessed which big school she was going to.

 

This was good as madam was suddenly very afraid that being bandaged would hurt her poor, mangled, bruised finger. But it obviously was ok as she didn't even flinch. And then it was finally home time. Managed to get some cash out and rang a taxi, got home at just after 1am and put madam and myself to bed. She fell asleep straight away but I was wide awake. Until at least 2.30, and then the alarm went off. Ugh.

 

I hit snooze until we absolutely had to get up or miss the bus that I'd managed to look up for us. So we got dressed and came straight out. Having no breakfast as I thought we'd be quite quick and then get something (McDonalds is what I'd promised). I was very glad of that when the Plastic Surgeon said she'd need an op and when did she last eat or drink. The fact we hadn't had anything since the night before meant they would schedule us for as soon as possible that day.

 

a close up of the poor, poorly finger

 

a smiley face to show the surgeon which finger!

 

 

They found her a bed, got her changed into a gown and then we just had to wait. And wait. And then wait a bit more. The hardest thing was how often madam asked for a drink. It felt so mean not letting her have one, but I didn't need us to be rescheduled if I could help it! At about 2 o'clock it was finally time and she went downstairs for her op. They took her into the theatre and I helped to distract her whilst they inserted what they called her butterfly.

 

As soon as she saw it in the back of her hand, she freaked. She was really afraid of what was about to happen and this thing in her hand was just too much. I have to say the Nurses and the Anaesthetician were, again, incredibly good with her and did manage to distract her enough to get her to start breathing the gas whilst they put things in her "butterfly". They made her try and blow up the balloon and obviously that meant she took some good deep breaths and went under in no time. All I could do was give her a kiss on the cheek and leave her in the very capable hands of the Surgeon and his team.

 

I teared up as the Nurse led me to the waiting area because although I knew she'd be fine, it's awful to be so out of control of what's happening to her. I'm actually tearing up again just thinking about how it felt. She was so distressed and suddenly so, so small and I had to leave her. Ugh, horrible. Heartbreaking. I am so glad that it was only a finger and nothing too serious.

 

I sat waiting for about an hour. I really wish I could have sat somewhere completely on my own as having to listen to other people chatting away without a care in the world, including the woman who was discussing her night out in an almost blow-by-blow account even though she didn't want to be indiscreet, was really annoying me. Too many emotions going on to be having to listen to other people...

 

And at about 3 they called me back to come and see her in recovery. She was not a happy bunny and was wailing and asking to go home. But obviously, that wasn't going to happen immediately. She also kept asking to have the "butterfly" taken away.

 

I was a bit surprised at the size of the bandage she was now sporting. She had damaged the tip of her right index finger, I was thinking possibly that they'd strap the middle finger up as well, but her whole hand was swathed in bandages and strapping, except for her thumb.

 

enormous bandage, picture was taken after we'd got home as my phone died whilst we were at the hospital!

 

 

So after returning to the ward and finally getting something to drink and eat, she perked up a bit. And then she perked up enough to start running around like a lunatic again. But she still wanted her "butterfly" out. They took it out just before they brought her some tea. At which point I started to worry that we would be here overnight, but the Nurse assured me that they were arranging her discharge. Then madam decided she didn't want to go home! So, having dragged her over to her bed and forced her to put her proper clothes back on we finally got to leave at 6pm.

 

But I had promised McDonalds after the hospital, and she was desperate for the toy from the happy meal. So we went into town and I got something to eat at last (I'd had nothing all day!). But madam was disappointed as they didn't give her the current toy, it was an old one. They told her to bring it back unopened to get the proper toy. But we hardly ever go to McDonalds as you need a car to get there...

 

Madam also decided to just play with her toy anyway...

 

Kids are so much easier to please than adults sometimes. We have to go back to the hospital on Friday to get the bandages off, but my parents are back tomorrow, so that won't be a problem.

 

I've really missed them this weekend. I've had loads of great support from all my friends and family, but having my mum and dad around for back-up and support would have been lovely. But that's life, and you just have to deal with what's in front of you. Whether you feel like you're heart is breaking or not.  

 

 

 

in which madam does making

I am so tired today! I have now dropped off about five times whilst sitting here trying to write. I could really do with a proper nap, but having madam bouncing about is not conducive to that... Currently she is sticking a whole load of glow-in-the-dark stars on to a piece of dark paper.

 

Its something she's been wanting to do for ages and yet somehow we never have got round to doing it. So now she's finally getting to do it. But apparently it involves an awful lot more supervision than I had thought. I mean, it's just putting stickers on to a big bit of paper, but you'd think it was much more complex than that...

 

Oh, and I'm not allowed to help. I am supervising whilst typing. Except I'm mainly shouting at her in frustration. She keeps jumping from one side of the paper to the other. She's already slipped and hurt herself so next she's going to rip the paper and ruin the whole thing.

 

She also keeps wandering off and then complaining when I threaten to put all the stuff away! I am slightly liking the new technique though. She's peeling off the stickers and then dropping them onto the paper to make a more random pattern.

 

I'm not appreciating the rain today. We went out earlier and opened the door to a torrential downpour. Had to get madams pack-a-mac out of my bag and put her in it. It has rained on and off ever since. She still wanted to sit outside and eat her lunch though! I refused and made us come up to my parents so that we could avoid being soaked and utilise their tv/internet facilities.

 

I had half thought about going for a walk later but, as the rain is currently flying sideways past the window, I'm going to wimp out. We have at least been into town and had a bit of fresh air.

 

We  also went to try and sort the meter out after the slight fail I had on Monday. And the key still wouldn't work, but I had taken the new one and that worked with no problems whatsoever. Bit of a relief given that the emergency credit has nearly run out.

 

 

 

Yesterday on our way home to put madam to bed we passed the most beautiful pink hawthorn tree and it struck me how late some of the blossom is this year. We'd noticed the pink horse chestnut was out on the walk to nursery the other day. I am sure they've usually all finished before now.

 

But we did have a late spring, I guess. It'll be interesting to see whether autumn is late getting going as well. There are some beautiful flowers coming out in the gardens locally now, my dad has some rather lovely roses beginning to bloom.

 

Madam has finished her picture off, and it's looking really cool. She is refusing to do smiling in photos again at the moment! So don't think she's not been having fun. She has now moved on to throwing a paper aeroplane around the room.

 

 

 

I guess I could make one of my own and join in... :)  

It has to be the end of the manic tidying now, surely!

I have had somewhat of a hectic day so far. My stupid rental agency had scheduled to come around for yet another inspection. And though I had made plans yesterday as usual it didn't quite work out like that.

 

For a start Harry Potter is a very long film and by the time it had finished we didn't have time to get into town before the shop we needed would be shut. So we forced ourselves to make scrummy muffin pizzas (ham and cheese this time) and watch Robots on ITV2+1. Then after we got home madam, for reasons best known to herself, decided to colour her face in blue felt tip.

 

You know when you'd just like to be able to rewind and not have something happen. That. So then we had to have a full on scrub down in the bath. Much to her displeasure. It's not worth explaining to her yet again that actions have consequences. She obviously doesn't hear me.

 

Then she wimped because hadn't had her wall repainted like I'd said I was going to. I pointed out as she'd been to the shop where we couldn't find any paint she should know why I hadn't done it. Sheesh. So then I had to promise I would do it this morning. No fear, I can't be giving the agency any more ammunition against me.

 

So I then went downstairs to start the clean up and promised myself to have at least got started before bed. Somehow it didn't happen, my bum just seemed to weld itself to the sofa. And then I got reading various articles on The Guardian and suddenly it was past bedtime.

 

I dragged us out of bed this morning and made sure that madam had put all her books away and most of her toys were picked up so that I only had to paint in her room after I'd dropped her off at nursery. I then managed to persuade her that she should wear a jumper to school, not just her vest top. Why is it always a fight?

 

Ok, so after she was deposited with her teacher (she became suddenly reluctant to go in) I set off to get more paint. I had to buy a proper tin of paint as there was no small ones available. It was one of those one coat ones (cause I didn't have time for multiple applications) and cost £18! Not massively impressed at the price, though cheaper than Dulux, which is a bonus.

 

I also went to the Post Office to top up the electric meter as we are on the emergency credit at the moment. Only they couldn't get the key to work. So that was a wasted trip. Dashed home, did lots of painting (why is there always more than you thought?) and started on the living room. Now, I have lovely H to thank for the fact that it's actually mostly organised, but somehow there still seemed to be more to do than I wanted.

 

ok, imagine it without that bin bag!

 

 

Finally got it finished and then moved onto the dining room and the hallway. Did my usual whip around and put all the shoes on the shoe rack again. Removed suitcase from the dining room and put it back in my room. Wherein I noticed that for some reason the painted patches in there are really noticeable. Bum. Oh well...

 

Did a bit of kitchen wizardry, swept all the floors and washed down various windows. And then I scarpered. I don't like being there when they come round, it just makes me feel like I'm being judged (which I sort of am, but I'd rather not know about it). I also feel like I've been naughty and that I'll be told off, so avoiding that feeling is def a bonus.

 

I was rather hungry by this point as I realised I hadn't eaten so used that as an excuse to go get a sandwich. And it was vast. With proper egg mayo that had proper bits of ground pepper in :) Perfect. And after I'd eaten and had a quick look in Claire's Accessories, it was time to pick madam up anyway. 

 

We have come up to the rents again as today is water the plants time...

 

I am shattered and my bed is going to be so welcome later! 

Bristol, trains and cross stitch

Well, after much pain and discussions with himself I have booked tickets down to Bristol on the train. I did look into the whole car hire thing but once you add in the deposit, the petrol and the fact I have to work out where the paper part of my driving license is (no, I do know where it is really) it's just far too much hassle. Compared with just turning up for the train, anyway.

 

Also, having put it out to debate on Twitter the winning vote came from miss_mollypops as she pointed out I could have magazines and cake! Not that I had forgotten this potential, but it is always good to be reminded :)

 

Also, yesterday madam picked up her prize from the raffle at one of the local sweet shops. It's called Box of Frogs so that's exactly what she won! A very large box of chocolate ones to be precise...

 

 

 

She looks quite pleased about it, too. I adore this photo, such a beautiful, genuine smile on her face! But, that is what chocolate will do for you! Lol... She also then got to go and spend some of the money daddy had given me (I figured he owed her some pocket money) and bought herself some sunglasses, a Barbie DVD (you have *no* idea how hard I campaigned against that one) and some more stickers for her book...

 

One very happy madam yesterday evening, I can tell you. One slightly less happy me as I had to sit through "Barbie: the Princess and the Pop Star" *weeps* It was just as bad as that sounds...

 

Yesterday evening, after madam went to bed, I decided on an evening sort of off Twitter/other social media and watched Bridesmaids and got on with my cross stitch. It always surprises me just how long it takes to do. I don't know whether that's just me, or it's because you have to stitch every row twice...

 

 

 

But it's finished and I will be affixing it to madam's t-shirt forthwith. My friend L (you know, who's having the twins NEXT WEEK *squee*) has asked me to do a cross stitch for their arrival! Well, to mark their arrival might be a better way to phrase that.

 

I am not overly confident. She showed me the one that her older son was made an it makes me feel seriously inferior! I could just do something fairly simple for them I guess. And add their names, date and weights to it... I saw the most beautiful design yesterday, but I'm not sure I could replicate it...

 

Ugh, the lack of sleep last night has just caught up with me...

on the blocks to studying

 

 

I think that picture completely sums up my studying... I have completely lost all my abilities to do it later on in the evening like I always used to, but on the flip side, I can't settle to it in the day either! Argh.

 

I've been working on the last few bits I need to do to complete my portfolio, but it just doesn't seem to be getting any nearer to being finished off. It's starting to really frustrate me!

 

I was hoping that I'd get the afternoon at college again, like last week, but that has completely not come off as my parents are gardening and need to get it done before the plants my dad has been baking in the conservatory for the last couple of weeks finally give up and die!

 

They also bought a new rose called "Hot Chocolate" yesterday which they have put in the gap the postman (and any other door to door people, of which there are many) uses to go from next door to here. It is very prickly, they're hoping the nice people will stop cutting across the garden and go round...

 

Madam is helping grandpa plant out some bluebells and crocuses atm... I think it's probably a bit late to be planting either, but I feel it's best I don't comment... Speaking of bluebells, I'm hoping to get up to Burton Bushes and show madam the bluebells there. There's usually a really good show at this time of year.

 

Anyway, back to my troubles with studying. I find that having depression means that my thoughts actually swish around in my head similar to an imperfectly set jelly. It won't hold it's shape if you take it out the mould, and we all know about trying to nail jelly to a wall.

 

So, I know all the information is in there. I can recall it when asked a specific question, but if I have to hunt through the contents of my mind to find something and then make it connect to something else it becomes a much more difficult task.

 

And also, because all my emotions are constantly heightened and I'm feeling everything at once some days then I'm shattered from all that effort of making my outside appear normal. The superb Hyperbole and a Half has written an amazing post about processing feelings whilst depressed I'm not sure my depression has ever been as deep as the authors obviously is/was, but the idea of making the effort to appear normal on the outside I identify with strongly.

 

Being shattered plus having no way of pinning down the jelly in my brain is really frustrating me. I have done some college work this week, but I always feel like I'm playing catch up somehow. I am incredibly glad that these blogs count towards my portfolio...

 

The strange thing was that last week at college the rest of the group were made aware of the blog I write and there were a couple who were interested in starting their own. I did say I'm not an expert in it, but that there were plenty of sites that guide you through it all. It'll be interesting to find put how many of them actually do go through with it.

 

Especially as we're having to say goodbye to each other and I know that I will miss everyone in the group. We've become more than just a teaching group. This is probably to do with the very personal nature of some of the things we talk about. The shared experiences we've been through.

 

And I'm so pleased we've made it. I think it seems so long since we started out on this quest. I know how terrified I was of walking in that room for the first time. The fear of the unknown, of how I might be judged. I had no confidence, just the knowledge that I wanted to do this for me and to give myself an experience to be proud of.

 

I was hopeful that it would prepare me for a job within the field and that it would be an extension of other skills that I hold. It was so much different to how I thought it would be, but I put that down to my personal demons than the course. The inner struggle I have constantly to battle with was actually unacknowledged at the start. And after I did seek help things got much easier for me.

 

The tutor has been so good with all of us. I am so appreciative of the extra time she has given me and spent on bolstering my fragile self esteem. I have felt nurtured and cared for which I can't say I've ever experienced from a tutor before. I wish I'd been able to share the things that were causing blocks to me sooner. I might have been able to put less stress on myself.

 

I didn't intend (again) for this post to be so rambling, I do apologise for the lack of focus! Here is a picture of some big cats in boxes to make up for it!

 

 



Pedals for Pounds 4 (and some other stuff)

Well, we had a good afternoon yesterday. I picked madam up from school, we had lunch and then headed to my parents so that we could chill and go into Hull later to cheer on H and her dad.

 

We ended up at the garden centre getting yet more stuff for my dad's marine tank. I am slightly worried that I'm going to be responsible for it for three weeks in the summer! I don't mind just bunging some food at them once a day (or so) but to actually be left in charge of a tank that will need topping up and has salt level checks and all sorts worries me!

 

Ah well, if I kill everything it will be fine, I'm sure! He added two hermit crabs to his collection yesterday. So now there are 5 snails, 2 shrimps, 2 hermit crabs and the wee crab that came in with the live rock. Excellent. Oh, and he's muttering about getting a sea urchin...

 

This is the tank that wasn't going to have anything in it for me to have to worry about. There are no fish yet, I'll give you, but that still seems a lot of creatures to me!

 

Anyway, back to H and the Pedals for Pounds 4 tour... So having obtained more livestock M&D decided just to drop us in Hull and then go home and play with the new crabs for a bit. So we got dropped off near my little bro's house (not that he would have been in) and headed up Whitefriargate to get flags to do manic waving with.

 

Poundland failed to produce the necessary flags, but we did manage purple pompoms (go team purple!) and got ourselves a drink each. We then headed for the Premier Inn rendezvous point and forced ourselves to get an ice lolly on the way! We did get there slightly early, but there were already a couple of bikers there, who had no clue how far team purple were behind them.

 

We settled down to make the kerbside our home for the ensuing wait. I think we waited about half an hour when we saw the (rather tired) faces of H&P coming round the bend! Madam went into manic pompom mode and I think our enthusiasm was appreciated!

 

We collected their bags from the storage area and then headed for the other side of town where H&P actually were staying. Madam was tired by this point and the walk was mostly taken up with her moaning about having to walk. Oh, the joys. We waited downstairs with a drink whilst they (understandably) showered and changed.

 

We had tea with them, though I was slightly disappointed they didn't both have two main courses! And then madam and I headed for the bus home. By the time we got back here it was 9pm and then we had to walk from the station to home! Madam moaned less than I thought she would, which was a relief.

 

She got straight into her nightie (mummy, big girls wear nighties to bed, not 'jamas) and I read her some more of the Wizard of Oz and she was asleep in mere moments. I went downstairs and after deciding at about 10.30 I really wasn't going to last much longer woke up at 2.30 when madam came downstairs to find me! Oops.

 

I really must stop falling asleep on the sofa. I've got a crick in my neck that just won't get better otherwise!

 

Today lovely H&P are cycling to Scarborough... Hopefully they're already there. But I'm sure they'll let me know when they arrive :)

 

Oh, madam took a couple of photos from the bus yesterday. Scenic, no?

 

  

Eviction is a four letter word

photo from twitter @EarthPix 

Yesterday was a somewhat mixed bag. I went to the job centre for my Work Focused Interview wherein we agreed I'm just going to concentrate on finishing college and then when we meet again they might be able to actually help (I don't believe this, I have no faith in the job centre to do anything).

Then I went home and set about the end of project "please don't evict me". I tidied, hoovered, mopped and generally cleaned my little bum off. I don't profess to be a tidy person, so this is really hard for me to spend a whole day doing. But I did my best and the house is transformed from what it was.

However, the nice man from the agency said he was going to recommend my landlord seek possession. And I just don't get it. I know that my version of clean is not perfect, but it was tidy. It was clean. I just don't know what else they want from me. They just tell me it's not acceptable.

Perhaps a big checklist that told me exactly what they wanted me to do to the place might have been an idea. Leave me alone with no guidance and I can only do my best. I'm really upset (as you can imagine). It feels like all the work I've been putting in has been a complete waste of time and I might just as well have left it the way it was.

I'm really pleased with how the house is. It's my house after all, until I leave it again. And apparently I'm going to have to pack my life up and move on again. Especially traumatic as I've read an article somewhere which says how bad that is for small children. This is our third house since she was born already. Number four hopefully will be more permanent.

It makes me feel like such a lousy parent to not even be able to keep a steady roof over my child's head. I find out on Tuesday which school I've managed to get her into. I don't even want to contemplate the fact that just because she has a place somewhere doesn't mean that'll be where she goes.

I really wanted to just bury my head and cry in bed all night. But I persuaded myself not to. And, for the first time in weeks, I actually had my bed all to myself all night. It was so nice to get an uninterrupted sleep... I did slightly console myself yesterday by buying some MJ memorabilia. And chocolate. I really need to get my eating back under control, but it's just not possible while I'm upset.

I am making beef and mushroom pie for dinner tonight. That's sort of healthy at least... I'm very much looking forward to friend H coming next week. It'll be nice to have someone else in the house. And she has good cheering up skills!

My lovely owly friend from twitter posted this link yesterday, which came at an opportune time. It's about how to keep it together when depressed and reading it was good for me. I still am worried that my façade will crumble in an embarrassing fashion in front of someone who doesn't know how hard it was to even get out of bed today.

But I've put on the face that I keep in a jar by the door and I've watched my new favourite TV show the Great British Sewing Bee and I'm going to get through today. It's not going to be pretty, but I'm going to do it anyway. Moment by moment, breath by breath.

Oh, and if you also like the show and don't already know; the lovely Tilly has a blog Tilly and the Buttons. It has some great tutorials and patterns. I've not finished exploring it yet. But I really want to have a go at making the Mathilde Blouse, which she made a version of in the program.

Just need to see if I can get a new peddle for my sewing machine first! Or maybe a new sewing machine... Mine is very small...

Oh. I do wish I had someone to cuddle. I nearly made madam come into my bed last night so that I had that company. I decided against it, and I'm glad. But I'm wary of what will happen if the husband does come to visit this weekend. I'm determined to try and put him off...

It seems ludicrous to have him come up for a birthday weekend with me when I have to try so hard to keep myself on an even keel when he's here. For madam's sake at least. I don't think I could manage it this week, and he absolutely cannot stay at our house this time.

Too many things... Just too many feels... 

a day off

It's raining again. I'm so bored of rain and snow and damp and cold and Winter in general. I was under the impression that Spring was meant to be in the offing. Obviously that was just a malicious rumour someone managed to start.

 

I am hoping that it will be cheering up soon as I got madam a new 'kini and we need to go swimming to test it out. I won't go when it's miserable as we have to walk home afterwards and if she's wet she'll get really cross. And I can't cope with either of us getting another cold this month! *coughs* I am a water baby myself so I really love going swimming but with madam I don't actually get to swim, I have to just watch what she's doing and make sure she doesn't drown herself. Boring for me, fun for her. But I do spend my life putting her first, it's hard to be totally selfish and just do things for me. It's probably why I'm constantly frazzled. The only me time I have is after madam is in bed, and then I'm usually too knackered to enjoy it much.

 

I should really make more of the time I have when madam is at nursery, but I never seem to get round to it. I wish I could remember what it felt like to be properly indulgent with my own time. To be able to luxuriate in an unplanned day and fill it with things I enjoy. Even if that did mean I just sit and crochet whilst weeping at slushy films. I'd like someone else to do all the cooking because even though I really enjoy it, I don't like doing it for small numbers. I love having anyone to cook for, I totally up my game. When it's just me and madam it's too easy to be lazy. I'd like to be able to see my friends (all of them) and go out for a girly meal and possibly a film we all love from our childhood (Grease or Dirty Dancing would be my top choices!) and round it all off with a couple of drinks and a natter (probably with a bit more knitting/crochet thrown in).

 

Then to bed where I would read a favourite book for a bit and drift off into a properly refreshing sleep. No-one would jump on me in the middle of the night and I wouldn't wake up to find some hot thing draped around my neck with her hands shoved up my top.

 

If I'm going for perfect days then I'd quite like all of this to take place in somewhere I love dearly like Edinburgh or Whitby or somewhere warmer like France or Italy. I've always wanted to visit New Zealand and parts of the USA or even just Malta or Corsica. I want some warmth and some pampering. I'd like to eat fresh, simple food and drink ridiculously alcoholic confections whilst sitting near the sea somewhere.

 

All of this leaves out the fact that if I did indeed have a day without madam I would miss her so much she would probably be all I talked about. I've turned into one of those sad people who lives through their children... I'd love for her to be old enough to enjoy all those things with my friends and I, she's going to be such a fascinating character as she grows older. And I hope that she doesn't get that beaten out of her at school where uniqueness is not really a cherishable commodity.

 

I'm hoping that as she ages she will be able to spread her wings and use all the talents that she's currently nurturing to get her to a place in life where she can be happy, fulfilled and challenged enough to drive her forward. 

 

I don't want her to wake up feeling miserable about her job and her life and fearing there will never be any way that she can change it. I want her to find someone who loves her for all her quirks and who brings out the best of her. These aren't exactly wishes that are exclusively mine, but I'm hoping that now they're written down and in the real world (as it were) then I can focus on them and use them to motivate myself to help her succeed. I also hope I have the wisdom to know when she wants to do things differently to how I'd like and to accept that as an individual she should be allowed that choice. 

 

I can only hope that my dreams and hopes for her can be adapted to fit her dreams and hopes for herself. I'm pretty sure that it'll be an exciting ride, wherever she chooses to let life take her.

 

I'm planning on ensuring my life becomes a whole lot more like a good example to her than the car crash it resembles at the moment. I'm lucky to know that she loves me and I only hope that as she does get older she realises the things that I have tried to instill in her. 

 

I also hope that she grows up to realise that I did my best. Cause she's certainly the best thing I've ever done.