a Christmas as myself

I have been away for far too long and have been itching to post a couple of things from this last week... It has, of course, been Christmas and I have been distracted by that! 

I went to Midnight Mass on Tuesday evening with my friend V. We do this most years but have missed the last few mainly because of madam being too little. This year I knew she would sleep through and that mum and dad wouldn't have a small screaming child on their hands. 

So having told the parents I was going to MM they were both surprised when V rang the bell at 11pm to collect me. I was slightly amused. We were joined in our trip by V's brother and his wife which was lovely as I haven't seen them for ages and certainly not since before they were married. 

We got to the church in reasonable time and even managed to get a space in the church car park, which is ridiculously small in comparison to the size of the church/congregation. V and I have always loved sitting at the front as we get a good view of what is going on and also we used to be able to see the baby Jesus being placed in the nativity at midnight. 

Sadly, they now do a crib service earlier in the day and place Jesus in the scene then, and they've also moved it to a different part of the church to make it more accessible. This, obviously, prompts a "gosh, Jesus is premature" response every year. Yeah, I am that person...

Anyway, we took up our usual front-ish row seats and settled down to wait for the start of the service. We did our usual gossiping and V did her now customary "I really want to dust that" at the organ screen. (She's right, it's awful, but a very fiddly and delicate job).

We sang a couple of hymns and listened to a couple of readings and then it was time for the sermon. We knew it was going to be interesting when the vicar started off telling us about the "words of the year" that have been added in to the Oxford English Dictionary. We both rather hoped that he would refrain from explaining/demonstrating twerking!

He culminated in what has been the word of the year. Selfie. He explained what it was and how ubiquitous it has become. Though I don't think it's as new a phenomenon as people try and make out. I have a couple of selfies of me and V from when we were about 17! Anyway, he then went on to explain that the birth of Christ was God's version of a selfie.

o_0

I had to cover my face with the order of service pamphlet. I also had to clamp my mouth shut so I didn't laugh out loud. I took one look at V and that set me off again. 

About halfway through the sermon the chimes sounded for midnight and V and I wished each other a Merry Christmas. I have always loved seeing the day in like that. But whilst I was sitting there, listening to the vicar waffle on and wishing V a merry christmas at the exact same time she said it to me, I realised something.

I felt totally myself.

For the first time in such a long time. That giggling, silly, easy familiarity and love of good friends finally got through and made me feel better. I came home after the service and had the quiet of the house to myself. I sat and wrapped parcels and placed them under the tree and instead of the underlying loneliness that usually accompanies me everywhere I just felt blessed to be having this quiet time.

I don't for a moment think that I am completely back to myself, but I've finally got to a place where it's becoming easier to feel it. I'm hoping this means that by this time next year I might, finally, be more myself than not :) 

I never thought you'd leave in summer

Friday night into Saturday morning I spent watching stuff on YouTube. And I ended up, somehow staying up all night (at a certain point I just decided sleep would make me feel worse.) But I watched all sorts of crap. And I started watching some inspirational stories and things and basically making myself all over-emotional.

And then, for some reason I have yet to fathom, I went for the big guns. I saw it as one of the recommended next videos and I thought, why not? What did I see? Well, it was the MJ memorial service.

My lovely and wonderful friend H recorded it for me on the actual day as I was moving and didn't have chance to watch. She transferred it to DVD and gave it to me whereupon it has sat on a shelf for a little more than 4 years as I couldn't bring myself to watch it.

It flashed up on my screen and I thought yeah, sure, lets give it a watch. After all, it's been ages and I'll be fine.

I was not fine. I wept through large parts of it. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I shouted at madam when she interrupted me (she was up by the point I started watching it) and I made myself watch right until the very end when his 11yr old daughter said her goodbye to him. I don't think anyone, whatever they think about MJ, could have not been moved by her little speech.

But at the end, although I was horrendously emotional, I felt better. I've finally let it go. His dying was such a big thing in my life, for he had been such a big thing in my life up until that point, and I had packed it away. I had hidden it behind all the other things that happened in my life shortly after it.

And now that I'm finally moving past them, I have to move past that as well. I feel like I have lost someone who was a part of my family for a long time but that I have at least had the chance to say goodbye. My relationship with MJ still lives, he still sings my heart better whenever I need him to. But I'm ok with that being all it will ever be from now on.

I have had this post whirling around in my head since Saturday with the worries of how other people will react to me lamenting MJ when it's 1, a controversial issue and 2, so long since it happened. But this is *my* blog. And it is personal, that's why I have it. So there. As they say!

Though I am annoyed that I will now never be able to listen to one of Stevie Wonder's songs ever again. It just was the perfect tribute song. But I will now have to stick it in my "only when feeling totally emotionally stable should I listen" folder.

You'd be surprised how many songs I keep in there. Self editing is a marvellous process... If you are as nosy as me you will want to know which song, so I shall put the YouTube link  here sorry, it's not the *best* quality here. And if you're not on a mobile here it is for you:

I genuinely have always loved that song... (Stevie comes a close second to MJ in my collection). 

I have other things I want to update you on, but it seems inappropriate within this post. So I shall leave this one just for MJ and write another post with that in.

I will hold this man in my heart forever. Goodbye MJ. God bless you. 

how can a year go so quickly?

I genuinely thought that after madam went to school full time I would get more chance to blog and maybe I would be able to make my blog something really interesting... But no. I seem to neglect it for days on end now.

 

This, I suppose is in part due to just how busy life seems to have become, what with starting to do actual job hunting type activities. But also I think because I am becoming more well in myself.

 

The whole reason I even began to blog was because of my depression and how it was affecting me. I felt like I was hiding from the world and needed somewhere that I could express myself and begin to feel more normal again. And I think it has really helped me. I have learned to be able to look at myself in a different way.

 

But do you know what has really helped? Twitter. Yes, that's right, the worlds favourite micro-blogging site (WTF *does* that mean? It's a chat room for crying out loud...). But over the last year I have met and befriended so many people who show me nothing but kindness and encouragement. Supporting all my endeavours and just generally being lovely. It's the community I always wanted to live in, full of like-minded souls.

 

Obviously, my lovely friends who I have known for years have all been a massive part of it too. But Twitter even comes into that too. We are now more capable of staying in touch than we ever have been before, and we can talk as a group which is *almost* as good as having them all there together.

 

 

It is just over a year since I first came out as being depressed. I had struggled alone for quite some time before then. I am amazed at the difference a year can make. At about this point last year I was sitting crying, almost uncontrollably, in a café. My lovely friend picked me and madam up and brought us to her house for tea. I still can't thank her enough for how much that meant to me.

But now, although my demons aren't all defeated, I'm so much happier. My feelings of being overwhelmed all the time have subsided. I am finding I have some of my confidence back. I have applied for a couple of jobs (sadly, not successfully) and I think I can fight my own corner a bit more.

My beautiful, crazy, cheeky little girl has just turned 5 and I feel like a new start is upon us. I have started making the proper moves to go back to my maiden name. I am determined to draw a line under the end of my relationship. I *finally* have lost those feelings for him that were making that so hard.

I will always care about him. But as the father of my child not a partner. I finally feel free of him. And having my real name, as it were, is going to be a part of that. I feel like, with this blog, I have spent a lot of time giving you progress reports. And having to really think about me, who I am, how things have changed has done me no end of good.

I think that now I am here this blog is starting to go in another different direction. It will always be a place for me to think things through, and for me to ask questions I feel I need to, but mostly it's becoming a crafting type blog! I have another finished project for you to see, but I'll just finish this bit first...

I am so thankful for all your support. Thank you for helping me realise that life is sometimes shit, but always worth it. Thank you for being there, I hope if you ever need me I can be there for you. Thank you to whoever it was who invented Twitter and for it giving me a space to meet people who are just like me, only different and wonderful all at the same time.

(This is a really big, aww, you guys *group hug* type of post!)

So, project! I have crocheted a new hat for myself (I may need to do one for a couple of other people too (that would be one each, not to share!)). The pattern came from Ravelry. If you're into knitting/crochet it is a great site to sign up to... So many patterns!

The pattern I used was one of the free ones that is available. It's called Polar Hat and is by Pippa Wilson. It comes from her blog and you can find it here if you're interested. It's a really quick make, I made it in an evening. It uses chunky weight yarn and an 8mm hook. Her version is a rather fabulous orange, but I chose a James C. Brett marble in shades of purple for mine.

And here it is:

wow, cheesy grin or what!

It has a very small brim that gives it that bit more interest than a beanie. I made mine very slightly bigger as I have a big head! I would imagine that her design would fit almost everyone else though...

Whaddya think?  



biblical unicorns

source: http://www.awomensclub.com/free-online-unicorn-colouring-page.php

 

I was at church this morning. It's the first time we've been since the start of summer as there is no Sunday school in the holidays and we've been otherwise occupied (wedding, hospital) since school has restarted. 

 

It was nice to be back and to chat with our friends there. One of the men that has been helping with the Sunday school has decided to go to theology college and become a fully fledged youth minister so he was telling us about how he made the decision and why. It was nice to be able to hear someone speak so passionately about something that they obviously care deeply about.

 

We sang a few hymns and one in particular resonated with me. After A had told us about how he heard his "calling" we sang a song about responding to the Lords call. Now, I'm not a majorly religious person, but for some reason the chorus made me cry. I am capable of crying over adverts and The Simpsons, so it's not particularly unusual for me. But it made me wonder again about my own faith.

 

I keep wondering what it is that drives me to go to church every week when I don't claim to be a religious person. Part of it is to do with the sense of community and belonging that I get from it. Important for someone who regularly feels lonely. I also know that people notice if I'm not there. I am often stopped in the street and people always ask after madam.

 

When we were in hospital last week I text one of the ladies who works on the family support team to ask her to put madam in the prayers for that week. She not only did that but also arranged for a wee present for madam to be posted through our door that was waiting for us when we got home. Its this level of thoughtfulness and caring that constantly surprises me. And then I think, why should it?

 

This is a church, this is what it is meant to do. Look after the members of its community, visit the sick and the elderly, be a family for those who need one. And I have never felt that so much from a church as I do from this one. I only really went back to church when I was pregnant with madam. I had always gone at Christmas as I love the whole shebang, the carols, the decorations, the sense of hope in the air.

 

But when I was pregnant I began to see myself in a different way. I realised just how incredible humans are (well, all animals really). I had very little input on what was going on inside me, it just went into autopilot and did it itself. I can see why some people may go the other way at this point and see it as proof of there being no God etc.

 

I guess it comes down to how I interpret the religious teachings I received in my youth. I, like madam, went to Sunday school every week until I was about 10. I was told all the bible stories and I paid very little heed to them. And then when we started to study science at school I was even more dubious about what religion had told me. I was as disinterested in church as pretty much every other teenager I know. The few services that I was made to go to seemed to be extremely long and very tedious.

 

What changed was when I became older still and learnt about our ancient storytelling traditions. How all our histories were told as stories. How they must have been made to be interesting so that people would listen and how they had messages and told truths.

 

I don't for a moment believe the world was made in 6 days, I pretty much haven't since I learnt about evolution. But the people who wrote the bible (and especially the very first parts of it) didn't know about it. And how do you explain to the uneducated masses about how it all came together. You make it simple, you make it understandable. You set it out in easy chunks. And no, of course there are no dinosaurs in the bible, no-one had ever heard of them.

 

There are unicorns though. Really. And they are mentioned on about 5 different occasions. For example: Isaiah 34:7 "And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness."

 

Yeah, so the bible is totes accurate and should be taken completely at face value. Give me a break! Its the people who insist upon it that need help! And we don't even have all of it. There are many more parts of it that have been deemed unsuitable by the Vatican. Why? Surely adding in as much as possible would help us to understand our religion more.

 

If you've ever watched the film "Stigmata" you'll have heard of the Gospel of Thomas. This is alleged to be Jesus' own words recorded by Didymos Judas Thomas. They make interesting reading, and if you are interested I've put a link here. The quote that the film made famous is actually from two separate parts of the scroll, so don't expect to find it verbatim!

 

I'm not sure I can explain why the church has come back into my life. It's an appreciation of a higher power (whatever that may be) and my need to feel that someone and something is watching over me. I know how much of a miracle a body can perform, I have held my new born child in my arms. And all I could think was how did I make something so amazing without even thinking about it! I have a feeling, someone else helped.

 

I know that a lot of people reading this might have no faith, so I apologise if this was all irrelevant to you. I know my belief is only mine. And I am just happy to have found it and that it brings me comfort in the dark places. If you want to challenge me or ask me questions you are, as always, welcome to. (but be nice or I won't answer! ;P)  

 

  

a rather different weekend than planned

I am exhausted! I have had possibly the most worrying weekend of my entire life and we're still coping with the fall out now.

 

It started off so well. I went to Guides as normal on Friday evening and came back really positive about what we're doing over the next half term. Madam had been coming down with a cold most of the week. Same as ever when we start a new term! I have it as well, she's so good about sharing!

 

Anyway, I came back on Friday evening to find her fast asleep on my mum and the news that she'd thrown up all over my dad. Oh dear. She was prodded and made to wake up so that we could go back to our house. But she made a massive fuss and we decided that if she went straight to sleep we would stay the night. And she did, though we noticed she seemed quite chesty and a bit wheezy when we put her down.

 

At 5 in the morning my mum prodded me awake and told me that an ambulance was coming as madam was having difficulty breathing. I got up and went into my parents room where she was propped up in bed and was obviously struggling for every breath. Not good at all. Mum said she'd got into bed with them and was puffing and panting so much they'd phoned 111 to get some advice. The lady had asked to listen to her and decided to send out the ambulance.

 

And we got two! The first one arrived shortly and explained that a warning light had just come on and that another bus was coming to *actually* take us to the hospital. They checked madam over and put her on a nebuliser and asked her to recite a nursery rhyme to check how she was doing. She sang Humpty Dumpty but could barely get to the end of the sentence without gasping for breath.

 

We got taken into the ambulance (the new one) and blue-lighted to the Hull Royal Infirmary. Madam was a little upset she didn't get the sirens, but we explained they only use those when the traffic is busy. Which it is not at half past 5 in the morning.

 

We got to the hospital for about 6 and were admitted to A&E. We waited there until 9 and then got moved to the children's A&E as that was now opened. From there things moved much faster (the main A&E was stacked to the rafters, bless them, they were so good with her).

 

The children's A&E gave her 10 puffs on a Salbutamol inhaler at 9.15am and sent her up to PASSU (Paediatric Assessment Unit). They assessed her again at about 11.30am and despite the fact madam was leaping about and destroying the triage room the Doctor said she was still really working for every breath and she was given another 10 puffs. We were told that until she could go 4 hours between treatments she wouldn't be going home.

 

So they found us a bed and madam some lunch and we settled down to wait. Well, I did. Madam doesn't understand the concept of resting so went off to cause chaos with anything possible. At 2pm they came back again and decided she needed another 10 puffs. She also got a dose of steroids which apparently, tasted vile (Mummy smirking may have happened).

 

They wanted to leave her 4 hours and said they would come back at 6 to reassess and then we might be able to go home. Due to a bit of a mix up in communication she was given another 6 puffs at about 4.30. We then had to wait until about 8 for the Doctor to come around to her. He said he was thinking that she might need to stay but that with another dose she might be able to go.

 

However, she fell asleep (passed out from exhaustion, you choose) before they could give her it. She was given her 10 puffs whilst she slept and put on a pulse ox monitor. It showed she was still struggling and they decided, to be on the safe side, we should go up to the children's ward and spend the night.

 

As it turned out it was a good job she stayed. They had her on a monitor and I could only watch as her oxygen saturation kept dipping down. They put her on the lowest rate of oxygen. It helped, for a while. And then she needed a bit more help. And then more. They put her back on nebulisers instead of the inhalers and she levelled out when they started her on 35% oxygen. Now, that much oxygen sounds very scary, and fortunately I didn't realise she was on that much at the time. I crept into the bed next to her and fell asleep because I was so tired.

 

Sunday morning

 

 

We were woken at 6am when she had another nebuliser and then... She was awake. And spent the rest of the day causing chaos and getting under the poor nurses feet. We finally managed to get her to 4 hours between inhalers though. They had said that if madam had a nap and they could monitor her breathing then we might be able to go home. But madam refused to settle until after tea. She dropped off for about an hour or so and so did I. Sadly it was too late and we were in for the night. Again. I have to say we both slept quite well. Tiredness overtook us both and we slept pretty much through until morning.

 

So, Monday morning when we woke up she had her inhaler and we were told that we would be going home as she'd had such a good night. Just had to wait for the Doctor to do his rounds and discharge us. We saw him about 10.30am and then had to wait for our discharge letter. But we left about 2pm. We went downstairs to the pharmacy as madam had another inhaler (the Salbutamol one still) to collect.

 

Then we just had to wait for my dad to pick us up. We sat in the foyer for a while and madam ended up wearing my coat and curled up under my chair fast asleep! No idea how she managed that. It was very noisy in the foyer, and I don't imagine the floor was very comfortable!. My dad had to pick her off the floor and carry her to the car. A nurse happened to walk past at that point and I think we slightly concerned her with what must have looked like a collapsed person on the floor. We reassured her she was just asleep and we finally left the hospital.

 

I was so glad to get her home and took the decision to keep her off school again today as she is still supposed to be resting and I don't think school is really the place to do that! She will go back tomorrow though as she has had another good night (and I expect her to again tonight). Her school are happy to give her her inhaler when she needs her dose and I think it'll do her good to try and get back to her routine.

 

I'm not sure I appreciate madam's propensity for being admitted to hospital, lets hope we'll not be back again for quite some time to come!  

it's all about the love! L-O-V-E love!

Hello blogosphere! So sorry to have ben gone so long. I was expecting to be back last week and then events conspired against me.

 

Madam has started at big school and went only in the mornings on Tuesday and Wednesday. Somehow, I failed to have any time to write then. On Thursday we travelled up to Edinburgh to attend my cousins wedding. When we arrived we discovered the Little Chef (with free wifi) next to the Travelodge had closed down.

 

This was a major pain as some of our planning had hinged around a large cooked breakfast on Saturday morning... We ended up buying our own weight in porridge pots from Asda so we didn't have to have the rather uninspiring Lodge breakfast.

 

Travelodge did have wifi. For £5 an hour! WTF Travelodge! It was £10 for a day and £20 for a week, which, in the scheme of things was not unreasonable. But too expensive for me... So, no access to the internet except via my phone. And then not really much time for that as we had family to see and a madam to amuse.

 

On Thursday evening we went to my Aunt and Uncles house for a meal and to meet (in some cases for the first time ever) some of my American relatives. We did spend a portion of the evening trying to decide what relation we all were to each other. It was quite funny, ultimately though, we couldn't work it out. We're going with extended family, and everyone is happy!

 

I loved meeting these new Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. As I didn't *really* remember having met any of them. And for my Florida based family it was the first time ever! And I love them! We all got on instantly and there is a definite shared sense of humour going on... Particular props to my uncle R who pretty much constantly had me laughing.

 

I just need to go to the States now...

 

On Friday we went to a Butterfly Farm with madam. It started as just something mum, dad and I were going to do, but in the end both my brothers and H came. We saw loads of butterflies (not surprisingly), including some that were hatching out. We got to feed the quails who were running around the butterfly house and then we got to play with the creatures in the reptile and insect house.

 

 

Madam proved her inquisitive nature by holding anything the man offered. We started with a Royal Python called Turkana. She had been bought as a male for the them, but sadly, after producing eggs, was found not to be. They do have a confirmed male snake now though.

 

She was beautiful and had some quite distinctive markings. Madam had to have help to hold her as she was very powerful and quite big for a 4 yr old! Then we got to hold a millipede. It pooed quite liberally over the guy who worked there. I have a feeling that this is actually madams highlight of the whole trip!

 

Finally, we held a Chilean Rose Tarantula called Rosie 2. She did just sit very still on your hand. Well, except on me where she decided to go for a walk... But madam held her. By herself. She was so proud of herself for having done that. She's not very sure about whether spiders scare her, so it was good that she had that experience. H on the other hand *is* scared of them. But even she managed to shake a paw. Very brave indeed.

 

 

 

My brothers and H then went into the city whilst we had lunch at the garden centre next door. We planned on going down to the beach afterwards and flying madams kite, but the rain set in and we wimped out. I tried to get madam to have a nap as we were having tea at a pub later, but no...

 

Tea was at the Sheeps Heid pub. My mother remembered coming there as a student to play real skittles, but sadly we didn't get the chance as there was a private party in there. We did end up with a big family dinner as my uncle and the male relatives were excluded from bridesmaid fun! Though we did end up with one aunt as she didn't fancy it!

 

But then it was Saturday. And I had been waiting for this day since my cousin announced she was engaged! My cousin L had always been my favourite when we were kids. She's six years younger than me so used to be like a baby sister. And I really love her husband. He's always seemed like the perfect guy for her.

 

The ceremony was at 1.30 and seemed to be over in a flash. L looked stunning and G could not have looked happier. We then headed out to a stately home just outside Edinburgh for the reception. We were piped in and met with the most beautiful hall and staircase. There was champagne, there were lots of people. We got to poke about in a couple of rooms. We were not allowed to sit on a lot of the furniture! The place was stuffed with beautiful art works and an impressive amount of trinkets. The views were amazing and we had some photos taken on the front lawn.

 

There were speeches and then the most wonderful meal (not surprising given G is a restauranter). Even A didn't grumble about it, and, being a chef, he usually finds something! (that was a lot of commas)

 

But by this point it was 8.30... dancing was supposed to start at 9, but we had to cut the (gorgeous) cake first. The first dance was lovely and as romantic as you'd hope for. There was a rather raucous ceilidh trying to kick off, but we had to get madam home to bed. She was physically wilting before our eyes.

 

Annoyingly, she perked up back at the hotel, but we had some fun taking pictures and then I forced her into bed. So tired. So happy.

 

 

 

Sunday was hometime and then madam was at school again. Full days now. I feel more lost somehow. Weird, she's been at nursery for ages, I expected it to be the same. But I guess because I know it'll be every day now, it's that little bit different.

 

I shall let you know how it goes ;) 

 

(P.S. you have no idea how hard it was to narrow down the photos. And yes, those are swan shaped choux buns around the bottom of the cake!) 

in the quiet of the night

I wrote this last night, be aware, a whole nights sleep works wonders!

 

 

 

I have had the evening pretty much to myself. Madam fell asleep almost straight after tea at my parent’s house. We left her about an hour and then transferred her back to our place. I got her straight into bed and read her a story and despite protesting that she really wasn’t tired after all, didn’t hear a peep from her after I left the room…

 

Not tired though…

 

I was downstairs and on my own by 8pm! This hasn’t happened in like, a year. I gave it a good twenty minutes before I was confident I really could relax. I borrowed the Hobbit DVD from my parents and have been watching that. I’ve also been doing some crocheting so I’m feeling quite calm and relaxed.

 

I’m making a scarf, not sure why. Just felt like it. I’m trying to practice joining the motifs as I make them so that I don’t have the boring task of sewing them all together at the end. It’s going well so far, I think.

 

I had forgotten just how good it feels to have the better part of my evening alone. Especially as, since madam’s bed broke last week, I have to share my bed at the moment. For the first time in an absolute age I might actually be ready to go to bed before 2am, even despite all the caffeine my mum has fed me today! That woman does like a strong coffee…

 

I have been left with thinking space, though. And once the film finished and everything was quiet then my brain decided to start ticking over. And it’s ticked onto the quietness is bad setting and is now screaming things at me so loudly that all my nice relaxing is being put to waste.

 

So that’s why I’m writing this now, in the quiet and the dark, so that maybe my brain will click off again soon and I might get that restful sleep I so need. I have a feeling I might be out of luck.

 

I have my music on to push the quiet away, and I’m deliberately listening to upbeat stuff, I know what my triggers are…

 

When did it get to be that the quiet was my enemy though? I like peace and quiet and seek tranquillity out for the most part. But now I’m suddenly being beaten around the head with all my negative thoughts and I wish I was somewhere, anywhere, else.

 

Want to know what it is that I’m thinking? Maybe if I write it down I’ll be able to get it to move one.

 

First off, the big one, that hides behind everything I do and is always just under the surface. I am alone. And lonely. The quiet just brings it out. There is no noise because there is no-one else here. I am alone because I was left behind by a man who doesn’t know how to care about me and that I still have feelings for, even though they are fading.

 

Which brings us to: No-one will ever love me because I am obviously unlovable and not good enough to care about. I am unlovable because I am fat and disgusting. I should just hide from the world; it doesn’t need me and doesn’t miss me.

 

I am useless; I don’t have a job or a purpose and make no contribution. I take what the state gives me and I give nothing back. I sit on my arse and I let the world go on without me. Because it doesn’t even need me.

 

I am not good enough. I don’t deserve the good things I have.

 

I was hoping I might think of some ways of arguing with myself, but it hasn’t worked. The voices are too loud and I am too weak. I know – I believe – that my mind is playing tricks on me. But it’s so hard to switch it off… Quick, think of something positive

 

I can’t

 

I really can’t

 

Gah! Think! Positive!

 

This Too Shall Pass

Still I Rise

I am strength and resilience…

I am loved.

 

 

 

 

 

And so to bed.

a map of my heart

I was thinking of what to write about today, and then this line popped into my head and then the next, and suddenly I was writing a short story. I really wasn’t planning on it, but sometimes that’s just the way my mind works, I guess…

I have given it the title Map.

I drew a map of my heart. I coloured it and shaded it. I framed it and hung it in plain view. I watched as the dust settled on it and blurred the lines. My feelings became duller the harder it was to see the outline I’d drawn.

This suited me for a while, for I had grown weary of my emotions ruling my life. But gradually I realised that without my feelings I was living the zombie life. I lived as though I was already dead and I found it to be dull.

So I took my picture down and blew on it to remove the dust. As I blew I saw the map was no longer there. All those years of neglect had left it too weak to survive. I had to start again. But I no longer remembered the paths that used to be so familiar and I could not recall the pattern of its beating.

 

 

My only solution was to get to know it again, to test it out and see how it ran. I started small and took my heart to my friends and asked them to show me the lines that they might remember. They helped me trace my edges, but only I could trace the core.

I tried to use it to see if that would remind me and got a kitten to practice on. It was cute and fluffy, but the first time I watched it crunching a spider I lost the love I had for it and gave it to my friend the next day. I missed it though and knew that it was part of my map now. I reclaimed my kitten and learned to live with its cat nature.

I met a kind man in a queue one day, we chatted to pass the time. He made me laugh and invited me for coffee. I felt another path begin and agreed. I found myself learning to depend upon him and gave myself to him. I was surprised to find that as I drew these new lines of my heart the lines of his were weaving themselves in too.

I carried his heart in mine and felt safe knowing he also held my own. We lived together in happiness for many years and my heart map was thriving and I learned all its places. But there were parts of it that I never found again, that were lost forever to my knowledge.

But I had learned to be more myself and less afraid. I felt sure the corners I’d lost were gone for a reason. And I realised that my map might not be the same as it was at first but that didn't make it less good. Only different.

 

So... 

 

Yeah, what did you think?

a review of my life now

a laptop and a coffee cooler, this bloggers essentials (though I only get to drink those when I have enough money!)

 

 

Today is post number 150. Its been making me think about how much this blog has changed since I started it. I started initially in the midst of a depression. I was unhappy and feeling so low and quite worthless. I was living in the most awful mess and worrying constantly about it.

 

I was facing some horrible truths about my life and self and I just didn't know where to start or how I would cope. But I have been doing. And though my problems are still not completely fixed and my house is still something I battle with, I feel much more in control of my life again.

 

The blog has become less about deep and meaningful thoughts and more about things that I have enjoyed. And I'm proud of that. Proud of where I have come from and that somehow (with a lot of help from my lovely friends and family) I seem to be getting my life back on track. I can now start planning the next phase of my life. Because I seem to have been on pause for a rather long time.

 

It also seems to have become somewhere for me to share my various craft projects and current obsessions. (Don't forget, I have a book on Celtic Crafts to get through :)).

 

Currently, madam and I are watching Lilo and Stitch on a daily basis and madam asked me yesterday whether her family is broken, I had to tell her that, yes, it is.

 

 

But I told her that really family is about the people who love you and who care about you. And I told her that she had so many people who loved her very much that she was going to wish it was smaller soon enough!

 

And we are going to be ok. The separation we had from K for all the years he was in America was very different from how the situation is now. But we're moving forward. And the more I find myself again, the less he bothers me. I have always known it was his loss that madam and I were his cast-offs, but it was hard to remember sometimes when we were having a particularly bad day.

 

But many things have changed. Madam has grown so much in the last year at school (and not just upwards). She is still as insanely annoying as she ever was, but she is much more able to apply herself to a task and she's learned to show her compassionate side more often.

 

She still has her insatiable curiosity and her complete inability to listen to a word I say...

 

And once she is at full time school come September another new phase of our life will start. I will have to be much more aggressive about looking for work and more realistic about where my life is really going. We still may or may not be moving house at some point (the court case has still not come up). But I am not as afraid about it. I feel more like I will cope with it, whatever happens.

 

I am not as out-of-control as I was. And I have been off my medication for a while without bad things happening to me! I am starting to be able to look forward to where my life might go rather than being afraid of the unknown...    

 



happiness fairy reporting for duty

I've done it! I've finished the fairy outfit! It has been a labour of love to a certain extent. Working with net is not as easy as you'd think. Its hard to get it to line up and the pinning it is a trick.

 

And I have been mostly working with about 6 layers at a go. The wings were a real pain to cut out and as soon as I did I stitched them together on the machine so they would be a bit easier to work with. Then I attached them to the back of madam's vest top and got her to try it on so I could put a stitch through the top of the wings to stop them drooping.

 

I love the fact you can see them from the front as well :)

 

And then, foolishly, I thought I would add a couple of sparkles. So I sewed a few flower sequins onto the top.

 

 

 

And then a couple on the wings.

 

 

 

And then, for some unknown reason I decided to make her a couple of wrist cuffs which required snap fasteners and then another sequin on each! At midnight last night, when I finally finished I did question my own sanity. But madam's face this morning was worth it all!

 

 

 

Getting her to take it off after I'd done the photos was a minor battle I could have done without first thing, but never mind. Fairy costume is finished and I can get on with my next project now :) 

 

 

Bristol baby!

I have taken my laptop all the way to Bristol and back this weekend without getting it out to write once. I'm a little impressed with myself, but also sad that I haven't posted for a couple of days.

 

So Friday night I spent (after Guides) waiting for K to come and collect me and his daughter as he wanted her to come down for carnival in Bristol over the weekend. He was old any time after 9.30pm to give me time to get home from Guides and throw stuff into a bag. It was approx. 11.30 when he finally arrived.

 

Then, and I knew he would, he announced he was too tired to drive all the way back again and could I do it. I would have refused only madam would be easier to transport whilst sleepy and I didn't really want him spending the night if I could help it. So I drove. And it was fine (it's a pretty easy drive really) The only part where I was concerned about whether I was heading in the right direction was round Birmingham. I just resolutely followed the signs that said SOUTH WEST as I figured that was where Bristol was.

 

After wrestling the sat nav from off madam's back window I finally managed to check where I was and found I had been right and should just keep going. In case you're wondering, madam had been using it as a night light! As she was sitting directly behind me it wasn't easy getting it back! And yes, K was asleep whilst this was happening.

 

Anyway, we arrived at stupid o' clock in the morning and headed straight for bed. Surfaced at about 11am and headed for L's for baby twin cuddles :) Was rewarded by having one thrust at me along with a bottle (L was having a carnival party and she figured her breast milk may end up as rather alcoholic!). I spent most of the rest of the day cuddling one or other of the twins whilst chaos happened around us and got to do lots of feeding/burping. Perfect for broody ol' me really :)

 

madam and R

lovely little M

 

 

Madam went to the carnival in the afternoon with her dad (who was asleep until  at least 2pm) and came back a couple of hours later with an enormous grin on her face and a balloon which was almost the same size as her. I think we can safely say she'd had a good time. She went straight back to playing with all the neighbourhood kids and I finally managed to drag her away at about 9pm. She was being very naughty and running away from where she'd been given permission to (safely) play. I figured tiredness must be taking over and I'd get her in bed with no problems.

 

 

 

Oh, how wrong I was. For a start she was on constant look-out for her dad who had gone back to carnival after bringing her home. Also, it was ridiculously hot and sticky and she couldn't get to sleep. I had let her stay up and watch the end of Evan Almighty so she could have time to unwind and cool off from all the running around, but that didn't work.

 

Then she refuses to go downstairs as it was too scary... I'd love to send her to live with Zombie Nanny for a week and see if she's still such an unco-operative little madam by the end of it. She ignores everything I say and gets her own way far too often. It has to end...

 

None-the-less, she ended up curled up on the sofa next to me until she fell asleep about 11pm... And when it got to 1am and I realised I should really lie down to prevent complete exhaustion attacking me she still refused to come downstairs.

 

So I left her on the sofa. I figured she'd come down when she realised she was alone in the dark up there. And at about 2am she did. Complete with much wailing and gnashing of teeth that I'd left her :) Himself returned at some point, but I didn't hear him and he says he has no idea what time it was!

 

We slept until about 10.30 and then got ourselves organised to go and see L again. More baby cuddles for me, and madam went to play again. But the day was so warm they were constantly in and out for drinks/ice lollies.

 

L was exhausted as she'd been up far too late after we'd left her. Madam and I apparently beat her to bed! And we weren't breastfeeding twins through the night... Poor love needed a nap. So I had lunch with her and a nice chat with L and one of her neighbours and by 3pm thought it was probably time for us to head back north. Managed to round madam up and get her to do kisses. She takes great pleasure in kissing L's older boy who's 7 and hates it...

 

And then it was time to leave again. Except we didn't, Murray was playing and we foolishly started watching it. Then K announced he had to go and get something before we left. This didn't even surprise me. He always needs more time than I think he possibly could. Must be genetic as madam is the same! We eventually got going halfway through Murray's second set. And he always listens to CDs so I couldn't follow it on the radio :(

 

We finally got back to our house at about 9pm and even though madam had been asleep for a good hour and a half in the car, now wouldn't go to bed again. Again she complained of being too hot. I did everything I could think of to make her cooler, but it wasn't working. She ended up lying on the living room floor wearing just her pants... I sent her packing when she tried to steal a drink and fortunately the sheer exhaustion kicked in and I didn't hear from her again.

 

But I have to admit to spending the night on top of my duvet because even when I went to bed an hour or so later the upstairs was still tropical...

 

Himself? Well, he "popped" up to Scarborough after dropping us off! So glad I don't have to put up with that any more...