well, that was unproductive!

Today I have sent madam to school with her new Christmas jumper on as it's non-uniform day. The payment was a donation to the Christmas hamper they're raffling off. Judging by what I saw going in to class this morning it's going to be a rather biscuit heavy hamper this year! 

I am genuinely fed up of being ill now. I have had a cold for over a week and in particular a chesty cough. Even though I have had antibiotics for the cough it seems to be getting worse. It's really putting a dampener on my mood. Also, I am constantly exhausted so have achieved nothing in the last few days despite having access to a car :( 

My plan was to dump a whole load of stuff off at the tip and take a bit more control back in my house whilst we weren't living in it. Total fail. I haven't even managed to get to the gym (I should be there right now, but as soon as I start exercising I can't stop coughing (or breathe)).

We have been at mum and dad's house this week as we've been cat sitting for them whilst they've been away. But, due to the storm that's been going on for the last couple of days, they got stuck in Edinburgh for an extra night. This also meant that the stuff I thought I would do last night at home I also haven't done because I wasn't there :( I feel bad for everything getting so behind.   

I was hoping to avoid another bad go with a cold this year after I ended up on pneumonia meds because of a cough. But I think I really am going to have to go back to the docs and ask for further drugs. Though I quite want different ones as these ones have not really agreed with me, leaving me with headaches and other side effects.

I have guides tonight which I am quite looking forward to. We are doing Christmas crafts at the moment and I am quite keen to finish off my Christmas pudding pom pom :) Also, it means the guides will not be too loud and exhuberant! I don't think I could cope with them jumping around too much tonight... 

and breathe...

Hello, my friends! I am still feeling wiped out so I shall try not to ramble on too much.

 

I had a good evening as madam seems to be back to sleeping well. She went to bed on time without too much of a fight as well. I wasn't sure if she would as she hasn't done anything to tire her out. But I suppose she must be feeling like me and just feel drained by the whole experience.

 

I've sent her to school this morning and will pick her up at lunch time as I don't want her to over-tire herself. She was really pleased to be going back this morning and I have wrapped her in plenty of layers so that she doesn't get cold. Not that I am being a panicky mummy or anything, oh no...

 

But I just have that image in my head of her gasping for breath (bit like my dad's fish did in the summer...) and I know that they would never let that happen, but it's one of things that I can't un-see. And I will always be more aware of what could happen. The school told me they would check on her at playtime (remember how good playtime was!) and let me know if she looked like she might be struggling/tiring. No one has rung and playtime must be about over (it's 10.30am *now*) so she must be ok :)

 

Being protective mummy has meant I made her wear her hat and gloves to school, she also has on the lovely padded jacket that friend E passed us down from her little girl. I did iron in a name label, but I hate doing it onto fleece as it always ruins a little bit of it. Never mind. One small patch of non-fleecy will not affect her at all, just me and my perfectionism that don't like it!

 

I want to put her gloves on elastic as it makes life so much easier, but last year she just kept pulling them out of her coat and refused to wear the elasticated ones... Her independent streak can be infuriating! But I shall consult with her and see if she'll let me this year. They're really nice fleece lined ones and I don't want her losing them.

 

I got the new issue of Simply Crochet magazine yesterday and I have been prevailed upon to make the little fox purse out of it for a certain someone! I think I might make the granny square scarf for myself (though maybe substitute the pink) as the scarf I started I'm not sure I like as much as I thought I would... Although the scarf/hood on the cover is quite tempting too!

 

I keep looking at the time as I'm paranoid about picking madam up! It's not even 11... Might just go to Boyes and look at yarn first ;)

 

the happiness hamster!

 

 

  

a rather different weekend than planned

I am exhausted! I have had possibly the most worrying weekend of my entire life and we're still coping with the fall out now.

 

It started off so well. I went to Guides as normal on Friday evening and came back really positive about what we're doing over the next half term. Madam had been coming down with a cold most of the week. Same as ever when we start a new term! I have it as well, she's so good about sharing!

 

Anyway, I came back on Friday evening to find her fast asleep on my mum and the news that she'd thrown up all over my dad. Oh dear. She was prodded and made to wake up so that we could go back to our house. But she made a massive fuss and we decided that if she went straight to sleep we would stay the night. And she did, though we noticed she seemed quite chesty and a bit wheezy when we put her down.

 

At 5 in the morning my mum prodded me awake and told me that an ambulance was coming as madam was having difficulty breathing. I got up and went into my parents room where she was propped up in bed and was obviously struggling for every breath. Not good at all. Mum said she'd got into bed with them and was puffing and panting so much they'd phoned 111 to get some advice. The lady had asked to listen to her and decided to send out the ambulance.

 

And we got two! The first one arrived shortly and explained that a warning light had just come on and that another bus was coming to *actually* take us to the hospital. They checked madam over and put her on a nebuliser and asked her to recite a nursery rhyme to check how she was doing. She sang Humpty Dumpty but could barely get to the end of the sentence without gasping for breath.

 

We got taken into the ambulance (the new one) and blue-lighted to the Hull Royal Infirmary. Madam was a little upset she didn't get the sirens, but we explained they only use those when the traffic is busy. Which it is not at half past 5 in the morning.

 

We got to the hospital for about 6 and were admitted to A&E. We waited there until 9 and then got moved to the children's A&E as that was now opened. From there things moved much faster (the main A&E was stacked to the rafters, bless them, they were so good with her).

 

The children's A&E gave her 10 puffs on a Salbutamol inhaler at 9.15am and sent her up to PASSU (Paediatric Assessment Unit). They assessed her again at about 11.30am and despite the fact madam was leaping about and destroying the triage room the Doctor said she was still really working for every breath and she was given another 10 puffs. We were told that until she could go 4 hours between treatments she wouldn't be going home.

 

So they found us a bed and madam some lunch and we settled down to wait. Well, I did. Madam doesn't understand the concept of resting so went off to cause chaos with anything possible. At 2pm they came back again and decided she needed another 10 puffs. She also got a dose of steroids which apparently, tasted vile (Mummy smirking may have happened).

 

They wanted to leave her 4 hours and said they would come back at 6 to reassess and then we might be able to go home. Due to a bit of a mix up in communication she was given another 6 puffs at about 4.30. We then had to wait until about 8 for the Doctor to come around to her. He said he was thinking that she might need to stay but that with another dose she might be able to go.

 

However, she fell asleep (passed out from exhaustion, you choose) before they could give her it. She was given her 10 puffs whilst she slept and put on a pulse ox monitor. It showed she was still struggling and they decided, to be on the safe side, we should go up to the children's ward and spend the night.

 

As it turned out it was a good job she stayed. They had her on a monitor and I could only watch as her oxygen saturation kept dipping down. They put her on the lowest rate of oxygen. It helped, for a while. And then she needed a bit more help. And then more. They put her back on nebulisers instead of the inhalers and she levelled out when they started her on 35% oxygen. Now, that much oxygen sounds very scary, and fortunately I didn't realise she was on that much at the time. I crept into the bed next to her and fell asleep because I was so tired.

 

Sunday morning

 

 

We were woken at 6am when she had another nebuliser and then... She was awake. And spent the rest of the day causing chaos and getting under the poor nurses feet. We finally managed to get her to 4 hours between inhalers though. They had said that if madam had a nap and they could monitor her breathing then we might be able to go home. But madam refused to settle until after tea. She dropped off for about an hour or so and so did I. Sadly it was too late and we were in for the night. Again. I have to say we both slept quite well. Tiredness overtook us both and we slept pretty much through until morning.

 

So, Monday morning when we woke up she had her inhaler and we were told that we would be going home as she'd had such a good night. Just had to wait for the Doctor to do his rounds and discharge us. We saw him about 10.30am and then had to wait for our discharge letter. But we left about 2pm. We went downstairs to the pharmacy as madam had another inhaler (the Salbutamol one still) to collect.

 

Then we just had to wait for my dad to pick us up. We sat in the foyer for a while and madam ended up wearing my coat and curled up under my chair fast asleep! No idea how she managed that. It was very noisy in the foyer, and I don't imagine the floor was very comfortable!. My dad had to pick her off the floor and carry her to the car. A nurse happened to walk past at that point and I think we slightly concerned her with what must have looked like a collapsed person on the floor. We reassured her she was just asleep and we finally left the hospital.

 

I was so glad to get her home and took the decision to keep her off school again today as she is still supposed to be resting and I don't think school is really the place to do that! She will go back tomorrow though as she has had another good night (and I expect her to again tonight). Her school are happy to give her her inhaler when she needs her dose and I think it'll do her good to try and get back to her routine.

 

I'm not sure I appreciate madam's propensity for being admitted to hospital, lets hope we'll not be back again for quite some time to come!  

Hedgehogs and Gromits

I saw the cutest baby hedgehog today (Thursday) when we going home after madam’s teddy bears picnic. It was such a surprise to see it wandering around in broad daylight that it took me a moment to work out what I was seeing.

I took a few photos as I happened to have my camera on me. I don’t think you can tell how small it is! And we did manage to stop madam from picking it up for a cuddle…

 



 

 

 

We came home to find the DVD I’d ordered from Amazon had arrived so I spent the end of the afternoon and early evening educating madam on the joys of early 80s Christmas TV! And I have to say the Box of Delights pretty much stood up to the repeat viewing. The special effects were a bit creaky, but other than that the story stood the test of time and it was just as absorbing as I remember it.

Madam was slightly freaked by the opening credits but the actual program content was nothing that she was bothered by. She was a bit fidgety, but I did make her watch all six episodes back-to-back!

I have my first review at the gym tomorrow. Will be interesting to see how it’s gone for the last 5 weeks. I have been finding it pretty easy to stick to and am hoping for some inch loss if nothing else. I think I’ve lost a couple of kilos, which is not too bad, given I haven’t been on a diet with it…

Mother is going to have madam whilst I’m doing my bit. Her plan is to take madam to the park and run her around for as long as she can bear it. And then hopefully madam will go to sleep on time. This is because himself will be arriving later…  

We’re going to Bristol this weekend. I am actually quite looking forward to it. Not the whole spending time with himself bit, but the being back in Bristol. I do love it as a city.

And this time we’re going on a Gromit hunt. There is an exhibition called Gromit Unleashed and there are 80 models around the city for us to find. I am not convinced we’ll manage even half of them, but we can have a go J We’ll be outside in the fresh air, and when we searched for toads a couple of years ago in Hull we had such good fun.

I have pictures of madam with all the ones we found and am planning the same with the Gromits. I’ll have to post some when we’ve done. I’m desperate to find the strawberry one!

 

I told you I went shopping and I am planning on wearing some of the new clobber for my hols (cause I see it as a bit of a holiday). I get to see lovely L and her kids, the twins are 3months old already! I am looking forward to much baby smushing and cuddles. I love seeing her older boy playing with madam, they get on so well. Well, for the most part!

And as L has moved house she now has a fabulous park just around the corner for us to sit in and watch the kids playing. I love going to see her as she always makes me feel so much better. Like I can do anything. Like I am in control.

I do wish I lived down there. I’ve been starting to think I may never get my life back on track until I can fend for myself again. My parents are amazing and I would not be where I am now without them. But I feel like a child having them help me all the time. Like I am not my own person as they still have so much influence over everything I do.

I love them so much and I don’t like the idea of living far away from them. I get terrible homesickness. But I need to make a move for me. I need to strike out on my own again. Something I have always failed at doing. But I am a parent, and I have to provide for my daughter. Even if all I manage is some form of work experience somewhere away from here.

The only issue of course is that now madam is at school we’re much less flexible. Perhaps I should look at doing something in the next summer hols. Find a project for us to participate in. But I have to be far away and I have to get along by myself. Does that make sense?

I have a need to get away from all the safety and security that surround me. Because I think I am stagnating and I don’t have the drive to push myself out of my comfort zone. Madam going to school will be something of a push as I will have all that time to myself.

I am hoping to get some work experience organised in the local high school for myself come the start of term. I am really keen to do it and I need to kick myself up the arse and get it organised. I’m hoping if I can get the experience it’ll start to help me build my confidence. I need to trust in my own abilities again.  

it takes courage

I started writing quotes out. They were supposed to be inspirational and I wanted to have them somewhere to help motivate me. I started off using some Michael Jackson lyrics and quotes as he’s been my biggest influence for the longest time.

Funnily enough, one of my twitter friends quoted a whole load of his lyrics the other day and pointed out how aggressive they were. I had never really noticed that particular trait before. But I guess that became the trigger for this need I had.

And also, today on twitter the @michaeljackson account used a quote about books of his that I’d never read before.

“I love to read. I wish I could advise more people to read. There’s a whole other world in books”

Now, this is apparently not the full quote (as I found out from doing a little research). But, you know, 140 characters isn’t much! The full quote finishes:

“If you can’t afford to travel, you travel mentally through reading. You can see anything and go any place you want to in reading.”

I found a whole load of other things he said that are sometimes rather vomit inducing, but sweet and naïve at the same time. Now, I’m not writing this post as a love letter to MJ (and I so could write one, even now). More as a jumping off point.

I started finding darker quotes and I found myself latching on to them instead of just the positives I was looking for. And I didn’t really notice at first, because it was still MJ lyrics. And I know them all, but I’m a bit rusty about some of them. The more I looked for them, the more I remembered.

And then a lyric that I had fixated on in my youth came up. It’s from the song “Who Is It?” which in itself is quite a dark song. About a guy wanting to know why his lover has left, whether it was something he did or was it someone else. It was a song that didn’t have a video when it was released as it was considered too dark to make one for.

Well, for MJ it’s dark, anyway… But if you bought the Dangerous short films collection (and you all know already that I did) then it was on there. And in the video the girl is depicted as a high class escort that MJ has fallen for. It’s quite odd and quite beautiful. In black and white. And the bass line of the song really drives it along.

But that lyric that jumps out at me, and clings and grows and twines comes at the start of the second verse. He sings:

“I am the damned. I am the dead. I am the agony inside a dying head.”

I remember, at 14, that I drew this in art class. I got an A* for it. Probably the only one I ever got in art.  I drew a skull with the top removed and two people standing on the brain using axes/hammers (don’t remember) on it. In the eye sockets I drew a flaming yin/yang sign in one and a broken heart in the other.

I was really proud of that drawing, unfortunately the school lost my drawing pad and I was devastated. Some of the best portraits I’d ever done were in there…

You can probably guess from how much that lyric got to me that I was quite an intense 14 year old! I guess it was partly where I see my depression starting. I think teenage depression is too easily missed as just an annoying phase or something that can be snapped out of. I’m not sure at any point in my life after the teenage years have I ever felt anything as deeply or obsessively. Nothing.

And the deep feelings were definitely unleashed with puberty. I was given a Walkman (a Walkman!) as my 14^th birthday present and I bought the cassette of Dangerous with my birthday money. This was one of only about 3 or 4 tapes I owned. And from that day on I had the earphones plugged in almost constantly. I went from being quite open to being shut into my own head.

I closed my bedroom door, I’d never really been bothered before. And I left my life behind. I was lost in a fantasy world as soon as that door shut. I imagined all sorts of things for myself. But mostly I imagined myself with MJ. I was a singer and sang all his songs with him, I was his friend, his lover, his wife. I am sure that (not necessarily with MJ) loads of teenage girls and boys around the country live in this same world. When I was 14 all the other girls were in love with Take That…

And that life was everything to me. I didn’t care about mine that much. I had great friends and spent loads of time with them. But I always went straight back there as soon as I could. I, for some unfathomable reason, carried an A4 folder with me wherever I went that contained pictures and lyrics I’d written out.

I was the ultimate fangirl. And I wanted so badly for it to be real. But it never was. No matter how many nights I lay awake wishing I lived somewhere else. No matter how many pictures I drew or posters I collected. I often wonder whether I would have survived the teen years if the internet had been available to me. How would I have coped if he had passed away then…

But I have digressed. Quite a long way! I started off with quotes, so maybe I should try and end with them instead. I wanted to be inspired. I found these:

“Every day create your history. Every path you take you’re leaving your legacy” – MJ, History

“it is better to fail in originality, than to succeed in imitation.” – MJ

And then the MJ ones started getting away from me…

“in my darkest hour, in my deepest despair, will you still care, will you be there?” – MJ, Will You Be There?

“how does it feel when you’re alone and you’re cold inside?” – MJ, Stranger in Moscow.

So I thought I should stop that (there’s obviously the Who Is It? one, as well). And I just looked for quotes from anyone. And something I’d found the other day wandered into my head.

“not all those who wander are lost” – JRR Tolkien.

I like that. I feel like my life is something I’m wandering through. I’m not a straight down the line kind of a girl…

“it takes courage to grow up and be who you truly are” ee. cummings. (his name is always lower case when I see it written). This is the quote where I decided to stop. Because this is what I’m trying to do at the moment. Be me, grow up, whichever, both. And cummings also wrote my favourite poem, so I like that continuity.

Inspiration comes from all sorts of places and people. Why don’t you go and find something you can keep with you on your adventures.

gym and slim

Yesterday, I mentioned I went for a gym induction, which was actually on Tuesday (confusing, I know). I have decided that as my general fatness refuses to just magically melt away I maybe need to start putting a bit more effort into it.

 

My mum has been going to a specific gym for a while and has had great success not just with losing lots of inches from all over but from losing a decent amount of weight too. I decided that I should really treat myself to the same chance. I had the induction on Tuesday and have been twice since then already.

 

And I'm actually finding it enjoyable. It's resistance based rather than cardio so you don't end up all sweaty and ick (though you do end up quite glowing!) And you only spend half an hour to do the whole circuit so it's easy to fit it in. 

 

Mum and I have devised a system so that I don't have to worry about what I'm doing with madam whilst I work out. So, mum does her circuit then, when she's finished she takes madam for a drink whilst I do mine. Madam is enjoying this so far as she gets to have some alone time with her nanna and she hasn't really had that before. Normally my dad gets the privilege!

 

I'm hoping that now I have committed myself to this I will be able to keep it up. By the sound of it they are quite thorough about re-jigging your program to make sure you're getting the best out of it. And there is always someone to ask. Everyone faces the centre and the instructors have a desk just on one side. If you need to ask anything you can. And there are mini reviews to check how things are going.

 

The only bad thing is how thoroughly they measured me! I now know the exact horrors of my dimensions and my weight. I have been avoiding this knowledge for a while, but I know that if I expect to tackle it I have to know what I am dealing with.

 

So maybe it's time I posted a proper picture of me, so you can all see what I really look like. Not just a head shot which is all I normally allow. I am officially heavier than I have ever been before and consequently in the biggest dress size I've ever worn. And I am not okay with it. Because it isn't healthy to be this big and I do worry about the effects it must be having on my health.

 

My depression is in part caught up with my weight, so less weight, happier Pearl (or that's the plan). And I'm sick of not being able to buy clothes in my home town. Evans closed it's doors a couple of years ago and now I'm stuck with having to go into Hull to shop. Or online...

 

Here I am then, and I hope I will be able to post progress photos along the way. (I *hate* this plan!)

 

rather rubbish photos, but these are the only full length ones I could find!