Lifestyle - A New Beginning

I have an announcement!

*clears throat*

I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!

My volunteering has paid off and I finally managed a right place/right time ultimate combo. The main selling point? My degree. Yup, the one I have always been slightly unhappy about. 

Don't get me wrong, I loved doing it and I wouldn't swap those experiences for anything. But I have never used it. I was all for going into Heritage Management after qualifying but then realised the route into the industry is fraught with broken dreams and living like a pauper for more years than I was willing to. 

So I did what most people do in that situation. Put my dreams on hold until there was a "right time" and got a proper job. I then spent numerous years working in a restaurant and dreaming of escape. I focused on education as I'd always thought I might like to teach. I applied for a couple of graduate schemes to become a French teacher but always fell down at the final hurdle. 

I retrained (whilst still working at the restaurant) and got myself a CELTA. Which is a foundation level qualification and the basic minimum for a job teaching English as a foreign language. 

I lived in Greece for a bit, came home, got married, ended up back at the restaurant again because I needed a job. Escape was so hard when there were bills to be paid. I dreamed some more, but just couldn't wiggle free. I spent a summer teaching English in the week and full-time in the restaurant at weekends (clocking up 70hr weeks in the process). 

I got pregnant and it was then I saw my chance. I *couldn't* go back to the restaurant. It just didn't fit around my childcare needs. But then they closed my restaurant whilst I was on maternity leave and I managed to get a payout for leaving a job I'd had no intention of returning to. Bonus. 

And then, to quote a well known TV theme tune 'my life got flipped, turned upside down'. I ended up a single parent and have battled with my own mental health for a few years. Last October my daughter turned five and the government insisted I look for a job. Now, I had been planning for this moment for a while and had tried to make myself more employable.

I started this blog because I was doing a counselling skills course and realised how depressed I was and how much I needed an outlet. That course was supposed to lead me to a job last summer, before the Jobcentre would ever need to be involved, but sadly it didn't. All the jobs I'd seen the year before that needed that qualification were not advertised. Bugger. 

I, therefore, dutifully signed on in the October to get my Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) and started the long, slow process of regaining employment.

I discovered the amount of skills I have puts a lot of employers off. And the government's insistence on focussing on the young unemployed by creating endless schemes to help them into jobs (which is great if you're 16-24) means employers have created millions of apprenticeships where there used to be entry level positions. 

Not so great if you're 36 and looking for a job. Any job, but don't have industry specific skills. I was a manager in a restaurant I can do admin. Possibly with my eyes closed. Have I had one single response to any of those applications? Nope. 

And then a teeny, tiny light in the dark. I found a secondary school (my preferred age range) that wanted volunteer Teaching Assistants. Perfect! I emailed over my application and a mere half an hour later they rang to offer me an interview! 

I finally started at the beginning of the summer term doing Wednesdays and Thursdays with the year 7 nurture group. I have genuinely enjoyed all of it. Even those days where I've (briefly) wished I was allowed to throttle them. And then at the end of June an advert appeared on their website. 

I, obviously, jumped at the chance. Made sure it was the best application I could do. Handed it in. Waited.

Is there anything worse than waiting?

I got so nervous one of the other TAs marched me up to the HR office so I could ask if the shortlist was ready. It was. And I was on it. Twice! 

Unbeknownst to me there were jobs going in three different areas. The Academy itself, the Intervention team (this has nothing to do with sitting your friend down and telling them you're concerned with their drug/alcohol use) and finally the Aspire project. 

Aspire is a free school that is opening in Hull in September. It is based around the Academy's Christian ethos that all students deserve to be taught. Even the ones who have been excluded from their own schools. It is taking pupils from all over the city with behavioural issues that have seen them excluded or at risk of exclusion from year 6 and up (that's 10/11yr olds up to 18yr olds.) 

And, here's the important bit, they will *all* be studying Leisure and Tourism. My degree subject! After so long with *no-one* caring about my degree having an interview panel (a member of each of those 3 different areas) all be excited by my degree. And that I carried my French up to my second degree year. And that I have counselling skills was a little pleasing, it has to be said. 

And then yesterday I got the phone call I had been praying for. I've been taken on to work at Aspire. I can't tell you just how exciting this is for me. I'm so proud of myself for not letting my anxieties stop me from pursuing something I *knew* I could be good at. And because I'll be at Aspire the chances of career progression are slightly higher. 

Moving in to teaching L&T could be a real prospect. And I'm not even scared by the idea any more. Plus, if I can make it through at least 2 years at Aspire, I think I could probably work anywhere! 

I have spent the last two weeks saying "if I get this job..." and planning so many nice things. First up, a holiday for madam and I. Not until next summer. But an actual holiday! My mum and dad have promised to finance a car for me. And I have been browsing dinky, just for madam and I, cars on auto trader. 

And finally, I've been work wear planning :) I have created a Pinterest board which you can have a look at if you fancy... 

I am crazy happy at the moment and just want to thank everyone for being so supportive (and enthusive) whilst I've been going through this process. 

As an aside, it is almost exactly six years since I went on maternity leave. I would never have imagined everything that has happened since then. But I am so ready for a change! 

Love, Pearl.

Lifestyle - I've been so busy...

Hello there, my lovelies. No, I haven't forgotten I run a blog. Yes, I have been too busy to keep you all up to date. I am really sorry for neglecting you. The lack of home internet access has really scuppered me in the last few weeks as I haven't been able to fit blogging in. 

What I have been doing is working. I am still volunteering at the Academy in Hull and have just submitted an application form for a paid position. I have also been assigned some volunteering work by the Jobcentre. Fun. 

This handsome chap was at the park we went to last week.

Its not as bad as I make that sound as it is with a children's charity that run various drop in sessions within the community. I'll be able to keep going through the summer holidays too, which will at least keep me busy. Best of all, madam can come with me. 

I have been busily daydreaming about life if I get this job I have applied for. I have looked into what car I might get and even where I might take madam on holiday next summer! I did toy with the idea of moving closer to work so I could avoid the need for a car, but I think I run the risk of making myself feel isolated and ill again. 

I have thought about what of the many broken things I have I will replace first (my bed, I *need* better sleep). And I've started to ponder a frivolous thing as a treat to myself. Sadly, I don't even know if I have an interview yet so I think I best calm myself down a bit. But I would relish having my freedom back. 

Job seeking is so all encompassing and I'm bound (perfectly reasonably) by certain conditions that there is very little flexibility available. I'm not even supposed to stay somewhere overnight without letting the DWP know... (that one I think is a bit ridiculous). 

But as you can see, I can't just do things on a whim, really, at the moment. Even if I did have any money. I am also massively excited about the increase in cash flow that a job will bring. I have lived on benefits since madam was born and whilst I am so grateful and fortunate to live in a country that has a social welfare system in place. I can't say its a luxurious lifestyle, but its enough to live on. 

I will let you know if I get an interview and you can talk me down from the ledge when I panic... And I will get some home internet as soon as I can! ;-) 

Love, Pearl.

Lifestyle - 40/40 pt 2

Yesterday I told you that my birthday is coming up and I have decided to make a list of things to aim for before the big 4-0 coming up in 4 years. I shared half my list yesterday so today I best tell you the other half!

40 before 40 - part the second.

21. Visit Paris for a day.

Basically, I want to go somewhere on the Eurostar and this seems the best place to pick as I've never been to Paris!

22. Take madam to Disneyland.

I have wanted to visit Disney with madam for a couple of years. She is such a fan and if we make it there before she turns 8 it'll be sooooo much cheaper!

23. Write the first draft of a novel.

Because I have started so many books that I have never quite finished...

24. Have a full body massage.

I have never had one. I think I need to remedy this. Possibly whilst also being at some form of spa...

25. Dye my hair a bright colour.

I have wanted blue hair since I was about 14. I have several friends who have blue hair at the moment and I am hideously jealous of them. I've just never quite been brave enough to take the plunge and I know my parents would hate it...

26. Own a diamond!

I'm an April baby which means diamond is actually my birthstone. I think it's about time I owned one in some way. 

27. Give away one thing each month.

Because I think it would be good for me to try and be less selfish. 

28. Always have a notebook with me and keep them when full.
I've usually got a notebook on me somewhere, but I want to underline how important that has started to become for me. I think keeping my notebooks to look back on will help me to see my growth as well.

Finally finished my clouds notebook and moved on to my new one the other week...

29. Keep a folder for madam's schoolwork.

I want to remember all those rubbish pictures that she's done. Because she's getting better all the time and I sort of miss them!

30. Get a good photo of madam and I together :)
I don't have one! So many pictures of madam, none of us together :(

31. Learn to make a selection of cocktails.
Everyone should be able to make a few cocktails, surely!

32. Walk along the whole of Hadrian's wall.
This has been a dream of mine since I was quite young. I've always fancied a walking holiday and this seems a good place to start.

33. Teach madam to knit or crochet.
These skills have come to mean so much to me and I think part of the joy I have in them is that I share them with most of the females in my family. They unite generations and they have a wonderful community around them. Plus they're both such great ways to help find inner peace.

some of my latest crochet projects...

34. Learn to use a camera properly.

Rather than my "point and shoot and hope for the best" technique!

35. Visit the Natural History Museum.
Another place I've always wanted to visit. Really want a major museum binge in London at some point the Natural History museum is just top of that list.

36. Have breakfast in bed!
That someone else has made for me. Just once would be nice...

37. Grow my own food.
Um, because things taste better when you grow them yourself. 

38. Sort out the DVD collection.
As we have no TV we watch endless DVDs. They have a habit of migrating from where they are supposed to be and getting into the wrong boxes. It drives me insane. Must sort them out properly!

39. Make a Christmas tradition just for madam and I.
Because every family needs a Christmas tradition.

40. Create a work of art that I'm proud of and display it in my home.
I've had a plan to make a canvas for a few years and never got around to it as I'm worried it won't be good enough. I need to take the plunge and have some fun. And displaying it will help with my "everything must be perfect" issues!

So that's it! All 40 things I want to aim for in the next 4 years. Do you think I've missed anything? 

Love, Pearl.

Lifestyle - 40/40 pt 1

Friday is going to be a good day. I have got lots of plans with friends and with madam. This is because it's my birthday and I am going to be a whole 36. I feel incredibly conflicted about this. On the one hand I don't really care, age is nothing but a number etc, etc. But on the other I'm pretty sure my 20yr old self would be surprised at where I am in my life.

this is my excited face...

In the tradition of these things I have decided that I should make a list of things I'd like to achieve before I turn forty. Which will give me four years to get them all done. 

It genuinely took me two hours last night, wracking my brains, to come up with a list that I was pretty much happy with. I thought up 40 things; some of which are going to be quite easy, some harder and some possibly impossible! But I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't get them all done. This is just supposed to give me something to help me focus on achieving more with the next few years than I might do otherwise.

As it is a massive long list I shall split it into two posts for ease of reading. I shall do periodic updates to let you know how I'm getting on and what things I may have managed to cross off!

40 before 40

1. Make a dress for me to wear.
Pretty self explanatory...

2. Get control of my diet
As is this!

3. Sort out my divorce.
I have downloaded all the forms, I hope this will be done very soon!

4. Learn to finish one project before I start the next!
I am really bad for having multiple projects on the go at once. But I then never seem to finish any of them. I'm definitely all about the thrill of the new!

5. Make time for reading on a permanent basis.
My reading challenge has shown me how much I have missed regularly reading in my life. I want to carry it on even after my challenge has finished.

6. Give books I won't read again to charity.
This is an attempt to not allow clutter to build up. I know I have a few books on my shelves I genuinely will never read again, so lets make some space for better ones! 

7. Find a job.
Um, yeah, need to do that.

8. Take more photos of actual things.
I take so many photos of madam and food, I want to make more effort to record other things as well.

9. Learn a new craft.
Not sure which one yet though...

10. Remember I am valuable.
Because I forget too often.

11. Learn proper budgeting and stick to it!
You know, like an actual grown up...

There are bicycles, there are canals. Must be Amsterdam!

12. Take madam on a foreign holiday.
Because it'll open up a new world to her. And she's only ever been to Amsterdam when she was tiny! 

13. Take a trip to New York just with friends.
I have always wanted to go to New York and I would really like that first trip to be a selfish one where I get to do grown up things. And drink.

14. Take madam on an overnight trip that isn't to visit friends once a year.
The amount of excitement she has worked up for our overnight in Hull on Friday has shown me I should make more effort to take her places for just us. 

15. Start saving for a deposit on a house.
Because eventually, I want to buy one.

16.Cook a meal for my parents in my home.
They've not had a meal in either of the homes I've lived in in Beverley. This is a sad state of affairs!

17. Do something that scares me.
Meh! I can see that I am going to have to be high up at some point. Terrified already!

18. Get a cat.
Always wanted a cat. A British Blue is my ideal...

19. Have another child (!)
I never planned for madam to be an only child. I am thoroughly aware of the practicalities of that statement!

20. Watch a show in the West End (or on Broadway).
I'm a massive fan of a musical. I'd just love to see one in a big theatre and with an all star cast.

Look out for part 2 coming soon!

What would you put on your list?

Love, Pearl.

Books on the brain

I have made a start on my reading challenge and have been thoroughly enjoying my first book. So much so that I am a good halfway through if not further already. I am now at that point where I want to just motor through and keep reading all the books on the list.

However, I think that I will stop myself as that would defeat the point. Instead I will read some of the many other books that people have recommended I try as well. I will then include an "other books I read this month" section. 

I have lined up my next two or three on my Kindle. And having put a Georgette Heyer book on the list I have drawn many suggestions as to other ones I might like to try, I think I might even manage a Heyer a month to go alongside the rest of my list! 

Of course, this is relying on me being able to read a Georgette Heyer book all the way through as I have always failed in this quest so far! Mother is lending me her favourite to get me going on this task... 

The manic reading has mainly been enabled by my phone being rubbish at the moment. I cannot access the internet when I'm not on wi-fi and I am therefore twitterless at home. It is diabolical! But it does show me how dependant I have become on twitter to dispel loneliness and keep me amused in the evening. 

I am mainly either playing endless games of Fruit Ninja or reading my Kindle with a DVD on in the background. Yes, I do need the DVD, otherwise I am in silence! I do listen to music on my laptop too, but I get bored with the stuff I have and with no internet can't access any other stuff. 

We're currently outfit planning for Monday as we're going en famille to the panto in York. We went last year and saw Robin Hood and his Merry Mam which was the first time we'd ever been to a panto with madam. She spent most of the first half an hour or so absolutley absorbed in the show but with her hands firmly clamped over her ears.

This year's panto is Aladdin and The Twankeys

However, near the end of the first half there was a scene in which one of the characters was made to have a bath, fully clothed and in very cold water. She was on her feet and yelling more! More! with everyone else and after that seemed to forget her worries about noise and just sat back and really enjoyed herself. 

Her favourite part was a dream sequence where the characters appeared in their normal clothes and sang a take on Gangnam Style called, you guessed it, Panto Style. Madam announced in a very loud voice that the dame was a man, at which point he turned to her and said "yes love, I am". Brilliant :)

She still breaks into Panto Style at random moments...

  

a book a month challenge

the perfect companions to a good read

I am almost certain that I have mentioned my love for the fashion blog essbeevee before, though possibly not in a fashion context as there is so much more to Sarah's site than that.

The thing I have been most obsessed with all year has been her book club posts. This is not a normal book club though as it isn't about everyone reading one book it's about one person sharing their favourites to give us all a little bit of inspiration.

As I said, I have been reading them all year and have decided to make myself a reading list based on the recommendations that have been shared. Some of the books mentioned are ones that I have already read and loved which was quite satisfying, but ruled them out of my list. 

I have decided to try and get back into reading regularly as it seems to be something that I have got out of recently and I have therefore charged myself merely to read one book a month as I should be able to manage that! I have tried to pick books I have either never heard of, but sound intriguing, or ones I have wanted to read for ages and not got round to. There are a couple from authors I have read before and one from an author a lot of people have told me to read but I've not ever quite got into despite having started a couple of her books. 

I should really have waited a couple of days before writing this post as this months Books Are Amazing post won't go up until the 31st. I have therefore used Sarah's own list of favourites to get my 12th book from. I have read all the posts from most recent backwards and selected one book from each persons list. Some months I have wanted to pick all the books. Every month I have had to make a hard choice between two I liked the look of... 

Madam with the books she won earlier this year from DK Books

I think I should also write a review after I have read each book so that you can 1: make sure I'm sticking to it and 2: hopefully find some recommendations of your own. I will also be taking any further recommendations you care to give me. I shall post the review at the end of each month to give myself chance to get it read. 

I am really rather excited at this idea :) If anyone would like to gift me any of these books I am also completely happy to accept them! (cheeky, I know). I do have a birthday coming up sort of soon so don't be surprised if I request a specific book from you!

The list is in order of how I took it from the blog starting with November's book and working back to last December. This is not necessarily the order in which they will be read. When I review them I will mention what month they're from with a link to the original post so that you can see the books I passed over for the one I eventually chose! (although, as I said, I wanted to mainly read most of them)

THE LIST
1 - The Shipping News by Annie Proulx
I have heard of this before, mainly as a film, but it sounded like something I would enjoy.

2 - I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith
I have picked this up and put it down again in so many bookshops so many times. This year, I will read it!

3 - Wonder by R.J. Palacio
This just sounded like a really good read, to be honest.

4 - Gormenghast by Mervyn Peake
Another series of books I have wanted to read for ages and never gotten around to. I watched the BBC adaption of it and loved it.

5 - Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life (Volume 1) by Bryan Lee O'Malley
Seen the film, laughed all the way through it, seems like a good choice for a first graphic novel.

6 - The Shell House by Linda Newbury
This is another that just sounded like something I would enjoy reading.

7 - The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
It said a grown-ups Harry Potter, sort of. I'm sold.

8 - Devils Cub by Georgette Heyer
Ah, Ms. Heyer, you have been recommended to me so many times by so many people. Perhaps this is the book to spark my own love...

9 - The Raw Shark Texts by Stephen Hall
This just sounded surreal. And I like that in a book.

10 - The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
Based on a biblical character who had four mothers. I need to read this.

11 - Oryx And Crake by Margaret Atwood
I really enjoy Margaret Atwood's books, this is one I have so far not got round to. 

12 - The Book Of Lost Things by John Connolly
Again, grown-up fairy tale is enough to have me hooked!

I have made an Amazon wishlist with all the books on too! I might have to investigate the amazon marketplace for some of it's famous 1p bargains... 

Advent Sunday 2

Today is Sunday again and the 2nd in Advent. We failed to go to church this week too! I'm beginning to feel like a rubbish Christian. But then, I do also think that as long as I hold the principles in my heart God isn't about to quibble with me over how often I actually go to church. It is, after all, not about where you worship, but how. 

The run up to Christmas is always a time of reflection for me and thinking about family and friends. Trying to reconnect with any I may have been remiss in keeping in touch with. Writing out Christmas cards I will invariably forget to post (yeah, get ready for that happening again this year lovely friends!). Although this year those Christmas cards are a mixture of the ones madam designed at school which have been made up into professional cards (cute!) and some amazing ones from the mouth and foot painters charity. 

All the pictures have been produced by people who cannot use their hands to paint and the level of skill is amazing to me. I would struggle to produce anything as accomplished myself. Which is a weird sort of a compliment, but I can't think of a better way of phrasing it. Basically, they're amazing!

Madam was fascinated when I explained how the pictures were produced so we looked it up on YouTube and found video of a chap doing a work of art purely with his mouth. She was incredulous that anyone could manage it and did beg to have a go, but I (being mean) refused. She makes enough mess the regular way! Ha! 

She will be allowed to make some Christmas decorations etc which we're going to keep in a box ready for when we can put them up. She started making a paper chain at guides on Friday so I shall let her add to that as and when she feels like it. 

I am thinking of letting her make a couple of stained glass pictures as they were some of my favourites to make when I was little. I'm sure she'll be bringing home some from school too! 

The main thing we've had home from school in the last week are reading books. They are rather uninspiring and repetitive (to me), but by jove, she is whipping through them and gaining more and more confidence. I am so pleased as reading has always been *such* a big part of my life. Especially as a child. She is realising the possibilities already and is hunting down words everywhere we go and sounding them out.

She has also realised that there are words within words or that they make different words when read backwards. I have a jumper that has Oops! on it. This morning she realised that if you read it backwards and add an 'n' you get spoon!. Also, without the 's' you get poo. I will leave you all to work out which one made her giggle more.

We have just been into town to get some bits and pieces and to have a bit of a walk out and some fresh air. I hadn't completely forgotten it was the town's "Festival of Christmas" today, but it had certainly slipped from my mind as we wondered why on earth it was so parked up at that time on a Sunday. We managed to park somewhere near our old (family) house and walked into town from there. It was lovely seeing the town so bustling and all the Christmas lights on as we walked home at the end of our shopping mission.

Madam and mum did some stealth shopping whilst I went to look up the pattern that we had decided to buy to make madam a new dressing gown with.  Madam was then allowed to choose what colour Nanna was going to make said design in. She has picked bright orange. 

Those of you who have known me since youth will be amused by this colour choice! ;)

She did want tiger striped faux fur, but it's got a really scratchy backing and we had to veto it. Mum did find an off-cut of black in the remnants bin though, so will be using it to embellish the orange... *plans to buy sunglasses*

(and yes, I am just going to keep using my old Christmas photos!)

procrastination is reaching out!

I could make some joke about windmills in my mind, but nah...

I am a little overwhelmed. I recently checked my spam comments box (I have to say, I had forgotten to do it for ages) and found loads of stuff in there!  If you comment whilst anonymous it puts you in there automatically... There is some lovely feedback and some tips for how to progress. I am really thankful for this discovery as it helps me feel like I'm connecting with people on a much bigger scale than I had thought.

I am glad of this new impetus to keep moving forward. I am feeling a little like I have started an uphill climb at the moment. What with the job hunting that I am doing as well. 

Anyone who follows me on twitter will have noticed a distinct lack of me celebrating getting an interview for the cover supervisor job I applied for (which I wrote about here). This is cause I didn't get one. Even though I thought I had met all their criteria :(

I have emailed them in the hope of getting some feedback but have had no response so far. I have two or three jobs I'm applying for at the moment and will let you know if I hear back from anything. I am getting the distinct impression that being out of work for 5 years might be a big black mark against me. 

I haven't really had much chance to progress a lot further with my current craft project, but am still ahead of myself, so don't feel too worried about it all. I am also planning on how to write it all up so that you guys will be able to read all about it as soon as possible.

I have been doing nothing exciting with my time and am slightly disappointed that my planned trip to the cinema for Classic Movie Tuesday with the We Watch Films guys has been cancelled. This has become my monthly escape and I am now stuck in the house with madam this evening instead. But I am mainly just being moany and selfish, just ignore me... I am *quite* glad I don't have to sit at the Odeon for a few hours though, those seats are still as uncomfy as they ever were...

I think the last time I had been there before the WWF guys showed the Labyrinth was with friend L and we watched the Grease anniversary showing! (I may have completely mis-remembered this event!). I remember going to see the Blair Witch Project there as well...

But I do love going to the cinema and it used to be my bad habit when I lived with my parents. I went 3 or 4 times a week and would think nothing of going from a late shift and then to a midnight showing (obviously not if I was on the early the next day!).

I used to be so up to date with what was around and I still feel that loss of freedom quite keenly. I have to make so many arrangements just to go once a month now, it sucks :( 

Although, I have got a decent working DVD player again and can at least watch stuff in the evenings. I still get stuck with madam's choices after school though! I have vetoed certain films for a while now! We'll be finishing off the film version of the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe this afternoon. We went through the whole of the BBC TV adaption the other day and she wanted to compare! 

I have to say watching one straight after the other really does throw up the "Hollywoodisation" of the film. But I do still quite enjoy it. I have to pretend I don't know the books, but I can just about not throw things at it (unlike friend V!). I do wish someone would make the Magician's Nephew into a film though, I have a real love for that book...

Madam and I went on another nature walk at the weekend and found yet more mushrooms for her to look at. The best was a lilac/grey one we found in the beech wood near my parents. No idea what it was. We never dare pick or eat any just in case they are poisonous. I'd love to go out with an expert and do some proper foraging. I know that we see a lot of parasol mushrooms and as far as I'm aware you can eat those, but I still have that fear just in case we are wrong!

Sadly, I didn't take my phone out with me so didn't manage to get a photo of the lovely purple 'shroom, or any of the windmills we passed on the way home. There are three locally that are no longer in use, but there is a working one locally too (the picture at the top). We need to go back there again. I really want some locally produced flour :)

  

what's in a name?

I've done it. It's finally official. My name is now changed and I am back to my maiden name. Despite my flirtations with changing it more completely I have chosen to merely revert as it's easier that way.

After all, the name I was given at birth is one I will always own and as soon as I sort out my divorce will be available for me to use again. Just this weird bit whilst I'm separated means I needed a bit of paper.

And my friend J, who's a solicitor, drew it up for me over the weekend and I signed it yesterday and that's it. She didn't even charge me for it, bless her. So all of you who had got to grips with the weird spelling that I changed it to can now try and remember how to spell the weird name you first knew me as!

my name is all over this, so excuse the massive amount of blacking out!

 

This new name thing is affecting me more than I thought it would. I woke up this morning with a new feeling of hope about everything. Its like the name has given me some of my identity back, if that makes sense. I feel like, by becoming what I was in the past, I can reclaim my future. My married name had become like a weight around my neck and I felt stifled by it. There was no future in the name so I saw no future in me.

I am reborn. Which is a stupid phrase and has rather weird imagery in my head, but is also the only way in which I can describe it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good (as someone once sang!). It was the right time to do this. I could have waited, but I needed that line drawn. And now that I am focussing on myself again, at last, I needed to be the real me. I can't imagine starting a new job, a new career as my married self. 

In my mind that is a different person, someone downtrodden and afraid of the world. No confidence, defeated. And I am emerging from that past self, shaking it off, learning and growing and changing.

My confidence went up a few notches overnight too. I feel, finally, like I am worth someone's time and attention. And a someone who is prepared to treat me the way I deserve. I still am unconvinced I'll ever meet that someone, but the ability to dream about it is enough for now.

The main thing now is remembering how to do my old signature! I've had to stop and think about it already! In fact there is a page in my notebook where I've practised it! Like I used to do when I was a kid and pretending I was signing an autograph! (gosh, lots of exclamation marks there, sorry)

I am starting anew.

New name.

New start.

New life.

New hope.

New is good.    

the benefits of jobseeking

Perhaps I need to start widening my job-hunting criteria!

There has been much stress in my life over the last couple of weeks whilst I sorted out going from Income Support to Job Seekers Allowance (JSA). I was told all the steps I needed to take and *exactly* when to take them.

I did ask them whether I could apply for JSA early as a payment gap would be a big issue for madam and I. They assured me that if I applied when I was told to that there would be no issues. This was obviously one massive lie.

I have spent the last couple of weeks in a weird kind of limbo wherein I am being paid money, but not the quantity I was anticipating and at different times than I was planning on. I have at least been paid enough that I covered my rent payments, but it left me with nothing else. Almost literally.

My mum and dad lent me some cash just to tide me over and I thought it would be resolved on Tuesday this week when my next payment was due in. Again, I was wrong. The payment wasn’t there at which point I had a major freak out and considered making a formal complaint to the DWP.

I found the site to make complaints and it said I should check with my branch to see if they could help before instigated complaint procedures and I figured, as I was going to sign on, I would ask them in person. Having got to sit with my advisor and he ticked me off I then asked about my money.

The chap looked at me as if I was a bit of a wally and explained for JSA the signing on acts as a signal to release my money and then it would be paid a couple of working days after that. Why no-one could have told me that at any point before I got to meltdown level, I don’t know. The upside is that I am expecting a full payment on Friday and can then pay off all sorts of other things that have been on pause whilst I’ve been transitioning.

One of the things I am waiting to do is change my name by deed poll. This has been more of an issue than I thought it would. It’s my name after all and I *should* be able to call myself whatever I fancy. My dad has proved less keen than I was expecting. I have said for ages I would go back to my maiden name but then, I thought, why should I? I have spent years frustrated at people’s inability to pronounce or spell my name; I should go for something easier.

My mum’s maiden name is really nice and easy and my uncle didn’t have any kids so will die out with him. Well, their branch of it will at any rate, so why not change it to that then. One word: Dad. He was not keen on the idea at all and when my cousin jokingly said I should use it as a first name with my maiden name as a surname he got even more upset! I think it might have been in part as I agreed with said cousin and said it was cool. At no point would I ever have *actually* done that though. I do not wish to spend the rest of my life explaining why I am named after a woodland creature!

So then today I came up with a name that combined the two and I actually quite liked (I still am unlikely to actually use it) and this did at least raise a bit of a smile with my dad. But I think I will just go back to re-joining my lovely Scottish roots. I have always been proud of that part of myself; it’s always made me a little unique amongst my friends. And my middle name, which I loathed for years? Nope, gonna keep that too. Unique is good sometimes. I am nothing if not full of contradictions.

So, having spent a couple of weeks dithering and deciding I think I will just revert to maiden name as I had always planned to. But now I have made the decision I want to be able to do it instantly, the waiting for the official paperwork may be all just too much for me! I then just need to filter it out to everyone who knows me by my married name. Bank first, methinks…

Oh, and then I have to deal with my poor madam being upset she can't change her name too... I have been told the school might do it for her within that setting, but obviously not on anything official.

She had the day off school yesterday as she's having another viral wheeze episode with the rotten cold she has at the moment. We mainly sat about in our 'jamas and played around in the morning and then we went to my parents to annoy them for a bit! Madam introduced them to the Lorax which they both giggled at and I went to the jobcentre again for a meeting with a training advisor. The result of which is me being booked on a course to update my IT skills... 

fudge making and other stuffs

Today I 1) feel like I look in this flattering photo and 2) wish I was still at home in my amazing warm dressing gown!

 

 

I have set up madam's outfit blog, you can find the first post at this link: A Dizzy Fashion Story: Skele-fun. As she has birthday in 3 sleeps (the countdown of sleeps is literally the first thing she says to me when she wakes up!) this weekend's post will probably be her party outfit. I have bought her a body glitter stick, which, thinking about it, might have been a foolish plan!

 

I made fudge with my dad yesterday, this is because, despite having attempted to make it twice, it has failed both times. I found a recipe on this lovely blog and it had really good, clear instructions. Now, my dad is a chemist, he is trained to follow instructions precisely, how he has failed twice is beyond me!

 

So, I put myself in charge and followed the steps as laid out on the blog. My dad had to help with the final step, my arm was starting to drop off after so much beating of the cooling mixture! But we got something that looked a lot like fudge at the end of it. And, it had actually set mostly by the time I left to go to the gym! Given his last batch didn't even set up when mum shoved it in the freezer I think we can call it a success.

 

By the way, just how do you achieve that? It wouldn't even freeze?! I will admit that I don't think this version is perfect. Even though I thought I had melted it all down properly when we were beating it I noticed it was still a bit grainy, like not all the sugar had properly dissolved. I'm pretty sure it will taste okay, even so...

 

I also finally got rid of madam's old bed yesterday. It broke ages ago and then my dad took it all apart the other week whilst H and I had fun with the We Watch Film guys and watching Labyrinth. The pieces have been stacked up in madam's room ever since. Along with all the packaging for the new bed. But now it's all gone and no-one has to negotiate large cardboard box in the hallway! Result. 

 

I *didn't* get any more crochet done though, which I had planned on doing yesterday evening. I mainly messed about on Fruit Ninja whilst sort of watching Batman Begins and Casino Royale. The latter made me extremely late to bed and I had to really force myself out of bed this morning. Although, madam still beat me on the not wanting to get up stakes. And she went to bed at 8pm!

 

I might try sending her a bit earlier tonight as I am having so much trouble getting her going in the morning. We were actually late for school this morning. Despite living about a 10 min walk from the school gates. We didn't leave the house until 8.45, which is the moment when her class usually goes in with their teacher! I am a stickler for punctuality and her being late winds me up no end. And I have no idea how to improve it. I can't dress her, she's too old. I can't make her hurry up, she doesn't seem to care. I have tried threatening to send her in the nude, but she knows that's an empty threat as she has to be in uniform... What do I do? I can only try making her get up earlier so that she has more time to get ready. But then *I* have to blooming get up too. Urgh :(

 

I might actually have to go to bed at a reasonable hour myself! Ha ha!

 

Today I am mainly spending doing blogging and some research for a future post (I know, so not like me!) also I need to order my tickets for this months Classic Movie Tuesday (Ghostbusters, FTW!). I need to get maps from the Tourist Information centre so that I can start planning out a route for the Guide treasure hunt thing. Also, need to think up a prize for them... At some point I might even do some more crochet. Madam is proving far too big for the pattern I have and I keep having to increase things! I did buy an extra ball of yarn, so it's not too much of a problem. Though I have realised the colour is pretty much the same as her school uniform! Oops. Good job she likes burgundy...

 

I also, at some point, need to wrap madam's presents (including the ones from V and her dad) and on Thursday I'm cake baking/decorating! I have bought some really pretty candles which are supposed to burn with coloured flames, so we shall see :)

        

a Sunday summary

I have been having a busy week, hence the lack of any blog posts from me. Have been utterly skint and incapable of getting to my usual source of free wifi (Caffe Nero, I love you). Then, when I did have funds my time was taken up with more planning for other stuff.

 

Also I spent a lovely morning with friend V doing birthday present prospecting, yarn shopping and lunching with friend L and her littlies. I had a fabulous time and I had the selfish delight of having V to myself for a couple of hours which never happens any more!

 

I have now acquired everything I want for madam's bday on Friday (18th). I have gone with a new outfit, a fleece onesie thing with penguins all over it, and the Lalaloopsy doll that she saw and fell in love with. The doll proved the hardest thing to track down as all the shops were out of stock of that particular one. I eventually ordered it from Amazon as even Tesco, who were advertising it, didn't actually have one when I tried ordering it.

 

It is a special one as it was created for National Cat Day which happens to be October 29th and as madam is an October baby and mad on anything feline, it was the logical choice :) Her name is Whisker's Lion Roar which is preposterous, but madam loves these dolls. If you feel like having a gander the link is here.

 

She is meant to be arriving on Tuesday, I *really* hope she isn't late or I shall start to panic. I was looking at a few on ebay, but they are nearly all the same price as in the shops or more, and then ludicrous amounts in P&P because they're heavy. I gave up on that in the end.

 

Now I just have to make a birthday cake and wrap everything up...

 

I did weather charts and rain gauges with the Guides on Friday as further badge work. Next week we're doing a wide game that involves clues so that we'll be ready for the treasure/scavenger hunt around town the week after! I also handed in my application form for midday supervisor at one school and picked up an application for the same at madam's school. I have just seen an advert in town for a coffee shop too. That's a shop that sells coffee, not a café as I first thought it was.

 

I have been wondering about setting up another blog which will be about madam's fashion choices as she keeps me endlessly amused with what she wears and has the ability to make most things look good. The idea comes from one of my favourite Pinterest boards. The My Imaginary Well Dressed Toddler Daughter board is full of child modelling photos with added captions. It makes me giggle, a lot. 

 

But it started me thinking about the whole child modelling thing and madam's love of posing and dressing up. It would probably be a once a week post and I was thinking of making it a proper fashion blog and breaking her outfits down. It might be quite funny. Sadly, I will have to miss out some of these gems...

 

 

 

and just wait for her personality to shine on through. For example, today she has spent dressed up as a skeleton. No, it's not Halloween for another few weeks, but that is not going to stop her!

 

When I have it up and running I shall let you all know :)