3 February 2013

why blog?

I’m sure there are loads of you (I’m hoping at least 2) wondering why I’ve started to blog.

It’s another one of those I’m going to tell you in a story explanations that you may have to get used to if you’re going to be a regular reader (and I really hope you are!) In fact, sign up, there’s a button right over there à ;-)

I started doing a NCFE Level 2 in Counselling Skills in September at my local college as a night class. I was determined to try and get a bit of myself back and pick up some new skills whilst I was at it. So, when we’d done the first week our teacher informed us that part of our assessment was to complete weekly Reflection Journals. For anyone who’s never written one it’s basically taking everything we’d been discussing in the week and writing what you think about it and how it might be relevant to your life. I quickly realised this was about to be my mortal enemy as I was actually going to have to discuss my feelings with myself.

It’s something I have mainly tried to avoid as it’s a bit like deliberately poking yourself in the eye. Painful and makes you cry for a ridiculous amount of time afterwards. So I did my usual glossing over it for the first week and this was acceptable as, seemingly, we’d pretty much all struggled with it. However, we were urged to be more personal. We were told that everything was utterly confidential and the more personal we were the better. I tried to pretend that I was ok with this when I was really dreading it. I found I couldn’t always find anything to write about, I really hated it.

Then came my darkest point, I was so low I could barely stay awake in the session. All the things that I had been trying to put off where now (in some cases literally) knocking at my door and I had to admit to myself that I really needed some help. Cue a visit to the doctor (finally), which involved much weeping. I then had to go through the start of quite a lot of meetings with the Citizens Advice Bureau and then, by the next week, back to the docs again.

The upshot of all this was that I was finally being listened to. I was finally admitting to how hard it’s really been and that I needed people to support me and help me sort myself out.

There was also a skills session at college where I started spilling my soul to one of my peers in our practice sessions. She was so good about it and again made me feel less abnormal than I thought I was.

And suddenly I knew what to write in my Journals. I had found the courage to be real and the writing just flowed. And the more I write, the more I explain, the better I’m feeling. Yes, the Prozac I’m on is helping but I’m not mad keen on being long-term medicated and need other coping mechanisms. I’ve been given enough to last me up till April and then, hopefully, with the doctors’ help I’ll be able to start weaning myself off them. 6 months on Prozac is enough, I feel.

So that’s where the blog comes in. Getting responses to my writing is so helpful. I’m being supported from all around the world just by people reading. It gives me another reason to keep trying.

Most of all, the idea that by being honest, open and truthful about where I am and what I’m feeling I might be able to help someone else who is as lost as I was not even that long ago is enough to drive me forward.

If you need to ask me anything, please do. I’m happy to elaborate! 

1 comment:

Imi said...

It's a rather surreal experience reading your blog, it's a side to you that I have never seen before. Having read through I admire you even more (enormously). It's not been a bad way to spend my afternoon reading! You are so strong, and I think it's amazing all of the things you do. :) X