Advent is upon us!

It's the first Sunday of Advent today. Also, the first day of opening advent calendars as the two days have aligned for once :) I am mean though and we don't have a chocolate one, just a gorgeous perpetual one that creates the nativity scene with little figurines. Madam rather disgraced herself last year when she was given a chocolate one by eating them all on the first day!

First Cristmas!

I am a real traditionalist around Christmas and loathe that the shops go into overdrive as soon as they take down the Halloween stuff. I like Christmas to be special and to be kept as a family celebration, not a massive opportunity to sell stuff. Our family has always kept a very small celebration which I have grown to love and appreciate as I got older (as a kid I wanted Christmas to start on the first of December like some of my friends had it!).

We were always told it couldn't be Christmas until my younger bro had had his birthday (the 19th) and that he could have his cards up for as long as possible. We were all allowed a week of cards, but A only ever got 6 days... So then, on Christmas Eve we would erect the tree (we now also put the lights on it). And that was all. We would do that sometime in the afternoon and then after tea we would go to church for the 9 Lessons and Carols service. 

Second Christmas...

We would come home after church, have a warm drink and get sent to bed. And then, in the morning when we got up, everything would have been transformed. The tree would have lights and decorations, the other Christmassy stuff would have been put up and yes, the presents would have arrived under the tree. 

Of course, as we got older and learned how Christmas works we were allowed to stay up and help with the decorating, though never the presents! And then, as we got older we just started doing it all on Christmas Eve. But since madam came along we have reverted to our old ways and now madam has to be in bed before operation Christmas commences. Last year was the first time that Christmas really clicked with her, so when she came downstairs and saw the tree, the decorations and the presents she was so excited!

Third Christmas :)

She checked that Father Christmas had drunk his whisky (which she thinks we should give him more of this year!) and eaten the biscuit she'd put out for him. Then she checked to see if the reindeers had eaten the carrot she'd left and checked outside to see if the reindeer food had gone.

We explained the sparkles might not disappear for quite some time as reindeer don't eat those bits... In case you've never heard of reindeer food and have a little one who may like to put some out to guide Santa to their house, it is made from porridge oats and glitter mixed together! We used quite big glitter so that it sparkled really well in the street lights. You can put food colouring in the oats if you fancy, but we couldn't be arsed! We use about half and half quantities of oats and glitter, you can make it in fairly small batches (you don't need very much) and the birds will take care of the oats!

Fourth Cristmas...

But now that it's advent I am happier to start preparing for the big day. I have already got part of madam's prezzie and something for both my mum and dad. I just need to get things for my brothers and they are always the hardest to get for :( Last year I got older bro a Lego Deathstar! I also need to attempt to sort out cards as for the last few years I have forgotten to send them out!

I think that Christmas is much more fun now that madam is around to be excited by it. When it's only adults it definitely loses something. Madam is still busting for a white Christmas, but I'm guessing she's going to be disappointed again!

Fifth Christmas, brought to you by Hello Kitty!

In case you're wondering, all the decorations come down by twelfth night, by which point we're getting bored of them anyway. I always miss the fairy lights though...   

in which I read too much into things

I have spent the morning watching YouTube videos. This was not just on a whim but because the first thing I did this morning (after reading the brilliant new post on Hyperbole and a Half) was read an article about an open letter from Sinead O Connor to Miley Cyrus.

 

The two names mentioned together was what drew me to it. I didn't really understand why she might be bothering. The letter, which you can read here, was apparently written as Miley had quoted Sinead O Connor's seminal Nothing Compares 2 U video as the main influence for her newest offering.

 

I read the letter, I agreed with most of what Sinead had to say. And then I clicked on the link to watch the video. I won't say I was horrified, I wasn't even that surprised that it has finally come to a point where a female singer is entirely naked in her own video. But I was so frustrated that Miley had thought it was ok for her young fans to watch that.

 

I can't help thinking about all the young girls, like my own, who will see that and have so many questions. Aside from the obvious "mummy, why is that lady in the nuddy?" and "isn't she cold like that?" that I would get from mine, there are so many things that older girls will have to think about.

 

I watched the video and clicked on one of the next videos that were suggested. This was the famous "twerking" video. But even that was less bothersome. At least she was (mainly) clothed in this one. I'm obviously more of a prude than I thought. And, genuinely, I'm not really that fussed about what these girls are wearing. It's their body, it's their choice. But I wonder if it really is.

 

Clicking on another Miley song "Party in the USA" reveals a very different image being portrayed and also lyrics that tell of an independent girl attitude about not wearing stilettos to fit in with the in crowd. Brilliant, this is the kind of song I want my daughter to be listening to. And that was how it started. Clicking only on videos that were suggested I had a look at some of the female artists that are out there at the moment.

 

My daughter is suddenly very aware of the outside world and is starting to be aware of "cool". There are girls at school who talk about different singers than she's ever come across. I clicked on Jessie J's Do It Like A Dude as it's one madam already likes. She doesn't understand the lyrics (probably just as well) but has picked up the chorus and can be heard singing "do it like a brother, do it like a dude" every now and again. I like the song, I'm not going to lie, that's why she's heard it. But it isn't massively suitable.

 

But at least Jessie seems to be able to keep her clothes on. I looked for more girls and clicked on a few Katy Perry videos. I was trying to stick with pop/urban as that is what is most prevalent. Katy, again, mostly managed to stay dressed in the videos that I watched. Her lyrics are quite clever and sometimes powerful. She talks of independence and making it on your own values. Again, I like. I would like my daughter to believe she is important enough to not allow herself to be messed around.

 

I skipped the Beyoncé section as she watches a lot of those at home. I like Beyoncé, and I like the majority of her music. I like her videos and even though she seems to be wearing less clothes with every album, I'm not too bothered about her being madam's favourite. On to the wonderful Pink and her Stupid Girls video. I have mentioned my love for this video in an earlier post, but it seemed appropriate to view it again now.

 

And she still wins. Feisty girl, speaking about women making something of themselves instead of pretending to be vacuous. I love that song so much for all it says and the humour that she manages to get into it. I also watched a couple of Lily Allen's videos. Other than loving her sense of humour and her catchy tunes I found the song The Fear is another attempt at dealing with what women think they should be. She is so wonderfully straight talking, but perhaps a little too old for my 4 yr old!

 

Lily Allen led on to La Roux. Now, madam loves the song Bulletproof and I have to say that I love the video as La Roux is being exactly who she is. She is very striking and possibly not considered pretty (though, I think she is, but I think Tilda Swinton is and people disagree there, too). But I love that she isn't trying to fit into an image of what an attractive female should be. Because (based on these videos) girls should mainly have "bikini bodies" and be willing to prance about on camera showing said body off. *shudders*

 

Then I watched the Lady Gaga video for Born This Way. I actually had real trouble with it. It's a song that sings of acceptance and being proud of who you are (so far, so good) but there is no-one in the video that would not be considered one of the beautiful people! They are all skinny and, again, in nowt but their underwear. Does no-one ever get cold? I really loathed it. I have trouble with a lot of Gaga's imagery as a lot of her videos could well be mistaken for porn. She wears so little and poses so provocatively. The over-sexualisation of girls is something I really worry about. I resolutely refused to buy my child a tracksuit that had "cute academy" emblazoned all over it last winter. There were no plain tracksuits available in the girls section. They all had a slogan based on attractiveness on. I bought her a boys one.

 

On to Kelly Clarkson, again madam knows one of her songs quite well (it's in my favourite film) but again I'm quite happy with Kelly. Also, I know she speaks out quite a bit on size issues as she regularly gets a lot of negativity for gaining weight. She's cute, she sings about stuff I approve of, she gets my vote. Next up Pussycat Dolls, now I know that they're no longer together but watching their video with new eyes was quite strange. Again, I think that adult women should be allowed to wear what they want and be left the hell alone for it, but little kids look up to these women and I think they should be more aware of their influence.

 

I don't want my child parading around in so little clothes! (prude, prude, prude!) Oh and judging much today, oh yes!

 

On to Cheryl Cole, someone else madam already likes songs by. I only saw one song and it was pretty meh. I found her fairly harmless really. Better than Rihanna who was up next. Now Rihanna. I confess to liking her music, but I don't like her style. I felt nothing but sorry for her after the Chris Brown incident and was cross with her for going back to him. But she really nailed what my issue is. She started out in the Pon Da Replay video as a kid. Wearing her baggy jeans and her beanie hat, like all the other girls she probably grew up around. Now, half naked (or more) in all her videos. Why does growing up, for these girls, seem to equate to an inability to keep their clothes on? What message does that send to my child? Who are all the people around them that are encouraging that image? Why does it sell?

 

I worry for these young girls. How will they feel about themselves when they're older? Oh, and I did watch a couple of Nicki Minaj videos but as they were so lyrically explicit I wouldn't let madam anywhere near them in the first place, never mind her (what seems to be) underwear only policy in her videos...

 

I asked on twitter for sexy singers and was given only one response. Eartha Kitt. I had to giggle. So true, but she was sexy in such a different way. So much less in your face. And I think the world is a sadder place for that.

 

Now, I know that what I would like my daughter to listen and aspire to will be entirely different from what she wants. And it is her right to choose. But I do hope, by exposing her to artists who try and be about their individuality and who want girls to be the best at what they are, she might grow up to hold herself and her own values above what other people tell her to be. 

 

So she does go for that career she wants and she dresses to please herself and not the world. She is smart and funny and I hope she always thinks that those are admirable qualities and never hides her light. 

 

(I am now listening/watching Eartha Kitt on YouTube... I <3 her!)      

it takes courage

I started writing quotes out. They were supposed to be inspirational and I wanted to have them somewhere to help motivate me. I started off using some Michael Jackson lyrics and quotes as he’s been my biggest influence for the longest time.

Funnily enough, one of my twitter friends quoted a whole load of his lyrics the other day and pointed out how aggressive they were. I had never really noticed that particular trait before. But I guess that became the trigger for this need I had.

And also, today on twitter the @michaeljackson account used a quote about books of his that I’d never read before.

“I love to read. I wish I could advise more people to read. There’s a whole other world in books”

Now, this is apparently not the full quote (as I found out from doing a little research). But, you know, 140 characters isn’t much! The full quote finishes:

“If you can’t afford to travel, you travel mentally through reading. You can see anything and go any place you want to in reading.”

I found a whole load of other things he said that are sometimes rather vomit inducing, but sweet and naïve at the same time. Now, I’m not writing this post as a love letter to MJ (and I so could write one, even now). More as a jumping off point.

I started finding darker quotes and I found myself latching on to them instead of just the positives I was looking for. And I didn’t really notice at first, because it was still MJ lyrics. And I know them all, but I’m a bit rusty about some of them. The more I looked for them, the more I remembered.

And then a lyric that I had fixated on in my youth came up. It’s from the song “Who Is It?” which in itself is quite a dark song. About a guy wanting to know why his lover has left, whether it was something he did or was it someone else. It was a song that didn’t have a video when it was released as it was considered too dark to make one for.

Well, for MJ it’s dark, anyway… But if you bought the Dangerous short films collection (and you all know already that I did) then it was on there. And in the video the girl is depicted as a high class escort that MJ has fallen for. It’s quite odd and quite beautiful. In black and white. And the bass line of the song really drives it along.

But that lyric that jumps out at me, and clings and grows and twines comes at the start of the second verse. He sings:

“I am the damned. I am the dead. I am the agony inside a dying head.”

I remember, at 14, that I drew this in art class. I got an A* for it. Probably the only one I ever got in art.  I drew a skull with the top removed and two people standing on the brain using axes/hammers (don’t remember) on it. In the eye sockets I drew a flaming yin/yang sign in one and a broken heart in the other.

I was really proud of that drawing, unfortunately the school lost my drawing pad and I was devastated. Some of the best portraits I’d ever done were in there…

You can probably guess from how much that lyric got to me that I was quite an intense 14 year old! I guess it was partly where I see my depression starting. I think teenage depression is too easily missed as just an annoying phase or something that can be snapped out of. I’m not sure at any point in my life after the teenage years have I ever felt anything as deeply or obsessively. Nothing.

And the deep feelings were definitely unleashed with puberty. I was given a Walkman (a Walkman!) as my 14^th birthday present and I bought the cassette of Dangerous with my birthday money. This was one of only about 3 or 4 tapes I owned. And from that day on I had the earphones plugged in almost constantly. I went from being quite open to being shut into my own head.

I closed my bedroom door, I’d never really been bothered before. And I left my life behind. I was lost in a fantasy world as soon as that door shut. I imagined all sorts of things for myself. But mostly I imagined myself with MJ. I was a singer and sang all his songs with him, I was his friend, his lover, his wife. I am sure that (not necessarily with MJ) loads of teenage girls and boys around the country live in this same world. When I was 14 all the other girls were in love with Take That…

And that life was everything to me. I didn’t care about mine that much. I had great friends and spent loads of time with them. But I always went straight back there as soon as I could. I, for some unfathomable reason, carried an A4 folder with me wherever I went that contained pictures and lyrics I’d written out.

I was the ultimate fangirl. And I wanted so badly for it to be real. But it never was. No matter how many nights I lay awake wishing I lived somewhere else. No matter how many pictures I drew or posters I collected. I often wonder whether I would have survived the teen years if the internet had been available to me. How would I have coped if he had passed away then…

But I have digressed. Quite a long way! I started off with quotes, so maybe I should try and end with them instead. I wanted to be inspired. I found these:

“Every day create your history. Every path you take you’re leaving your legacy” – MJ, History

“it is better to fail in originality, than to succeed in imitation.” – MJ

And then the MJ ones started getting away from me…

“in my darkest hour, in my deepest despair, will you still care, will you be there?” – MJ, Will You Be There?

“how does it feel when you’re alone and you’re cold inside?” – MJ, Stranger in Moscow.

So I thought I should stop that (there’s obviously the Who Is It? one, as well). And I just looked for quotes from anyone. And something I’d found the other day wandered into my head.

“not all those who wander are lost” – JRR Tolkien.

I like that. I feel like my life is something I’m wandering through. I’m not a straight down the line kind of a girl…

“it takes courage to grow up and be who you truly are” ee. cummings. (his name is always lower case when I see it written). This is the quote where I decided to stop. Because this is what I’m trying to do at the moment. Be me, grow up, whichever, both. And cummings also wrote my favourite poem, so I like that continuity.

Inspiration comes from all sorts of places and people. Why don’t you go and find something you can keep with you on your adventures.

elephants and pigs

Ah, Sunday... I do love a good Sunday. I spend most of them with my parents and we try very hard not to watch any TV at least until late afternoon when madam can't cope any longer! (She only really has it as background noise, she doesn't watch it intently for long.)

 

There is a ban on kids TV channels so it'll only go on if there is something good we all want to watch. Last week we lasted until Deadly 60 (or one of it's incarnations) and then we have to watch whatever my dad chooses...

 

I used to spend most of my afternoon either reading all the magazines and supplements from the 2 Sunday papers my dad always gets. But now I have a laptop and can sit in the living room and still be unsociable by being welded to the internet, but remain in the same room as everyone else! :) Brillbobs...

 

I have made another top for madam, with the beautiful elephant fabric. It was just big enough to make a cute little sun top and madam spent Thursday wearing it whilst we went to the cinema to watch Despicable Me 2. And she enjoyed it almost as much as I did... Only minimal fidgeting involved!

 

The top was pretty easy to construct, I chose to make it harder as I didn't want the elephants marching on their sides. They are on the straps, but there was no way to avoid that... I cut a front and a back, stitched them up the sides and turned down a bit to make a channel for the elastic at the top.

 

I made two folds of fabric for the straps, and threaded elastic through them so they have a cute gathered look and it's really easy for madam to get the top off and on. I sort of followed a pattern I'd come across on Pinterest, but mainly so I got the dimensions, I was going to make it reversible, like the pattern says but couldn't decide on a fabric for the reverse.

 

 

 

I think I made it harder by not though, because I then had to make the specific elastic channel, and I couldn't just trap the straps between the layers to secure them. None-the-less, I'm really pleased with how well it turned out. And so was madam, despite this facial expression! 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was spent trying to sort out a birthday party for madam. Her birthday is still two months away but I wanted to know I had somewhere booked. Her birthday is on a Friday this year, which also makes it harder. I started off looking at church halls as then we'd just be able to do the invite everyone in the class thing and let them run riot.

 

However, it was so hard to even find out how much the halls were charging. I only found two that listed their hourly rates. The rest just gave me a phone number to call. (We remember how I feel about phonecalls...) I really can't see the point of dedicating a whole section of your website to Hall Hire if it just then says: For all enquiries phone... Useless.

 

I tried the local leisure centre as they do hire too. Again, no rates given. But my mum then asked about their party package and I pointed out it'd be a minimum number of kids and that we would end up paying quite a bit. She pointed out that, judging from the prices we had found, if you added that plus the food and all the hassle, it might be easier to pay for a party.

 

So then we checked the local soft play centre (parent hell, kiddie heaven). Here we found an actual list of prices and a detailed description of what their parties entailed. Finally! And we realised if we booked there we would be able to get it actually on her birthday, too. We'd sort of been looking at the Sat/Sun for hall hire.

 

So I rang up (I know all the people there, so not that hard) and we managed to get after school on her birthday pencilled in. Then mum said she'd pay the deposit so we could secure it. Bonus :) So that's it. We have to invite at least 10 kids at £8 each, but they get two hours playing and food. Normal entry is £5, so it's not bad to get them all the food and save me the hassle.

 

Just need to make a cake and sort out party bags and I'm done :) I have made a pinterest board for party ideas as madam had asked for a piggy party. Might have to find/make her a piggy costume...   





capes and wings and things

Madam and I, whilst waiting for the bus yesterday, were messing about and I made a cape for her out of her nightie. She had it with her so she could get ready for bed there rather than at home... Anyway, it didn't work all that well so she announced that I had to (HAD to) make her a cape. A Superman cape, to be precise. You just need red and blue she said...

 

So, apparently that is my next sewing project. I'm also going to turn the gorgeous elephant print fabric I got from ebay into a simple summer top for madam. Mother and I are planning how we can do that. Sounds like we're making a tube and threading ribbons for straps!

 

 

 

This afternoon will be mostly spent cutting out these flaming wings for the fairy outfit though. I must get it done otherwise it'll be Tuesday night and I'll be doing it in a flap. I have got each of the three colours of net we originally used and my plan was to cut two wings out of each colour so we have the same 6 layers as the skirt. Then I will have to hand stitch them onto the vest top. I might run a line of machine stitch down the middle to help keep them together first...

 

My next issue is what *actual* wing shape I will cut. Do I do butterfly, dragonfly or some form of other shape... She's going to be sitting in the car for a while whilst we get there so maybe she won't be wearing the top until we arrive! Crushed wings, whatever their shape, is not a good look. 

 

template from www.craftscope.com

 

 

Template from peekadot.blogspot.co.uk

 

 

I think I'm more excited than she is now... I'm really hoping the fact her costume is homemade will help her in the competition stakes. It's easy just to buy all the things you need... I also love that I made it. I love knowing that she has something unique and that makes her happy. When she spent the day dressed in the outfit she told me she was a happiness fairy and that everyone smiled when they saw her. And they did. It was lovely for her to get all that positive feedback from people.

 

I had better get a move on if I want to buy stuff for cape making, I suppose!     

late nights are the enemy

Sometimes, when it gets to stupid o' clock and most people have gone to bed, I start thinking about all the deep things that I really shouldn't. I start wondering about how I have got to this point in life without a clear plan or goal for myself. How I am still so afraid to go out and live my life and stop hiding from it.

 

Because realistically, most people have an idea by now. Even if they're not doing their dream job (for whatever reason) they 1, know what their dream job actually is and 2, are resigned to being in an ok job that pays the bills. I know I am making massively sweeping generalisations here, but its my blog and my thoughts, so nerr! 

 

And that's part of it. I am so convinced that everyone else must have it together by now. I am so envious of my friends that seem to be in jobs that, although they aren't perfect, are what they want. Or the friends who have taken that plunge and started their own business (have you met Gekoglass, their work is amazing  ). You can follow them on Twitter too.

 

But I am here on the side lines feeling marginalized and alone. I know that I am feeling this way mostly because I have not been in work for so long and I now question my abilities to do anything. But also society has this habit of constantly complaining about the unemployed. Making me feel that I am worthless and living this fantastic life that other people have to pay for.  

Its that same feeling that I always have when they start talking about the dumbing down of exams just before the results come out. I remember them doing it before I got my results too. And it makes you feel that all that hard work and effort isn't valued. It doesn't matter that you did the best you could, because everyone is under the impression it was all so easy.

I remember thinking how hard GCSEs were when I did them. And being so surprised by how much harder A Levels were, even though they had warned us about it, a lot. And I'm sure the teenagers I know who did their GCSEs this summer thought they were really difficult and they will have had it drummed into them just how important these exams are. 

I hate that we expect our young people to have their lives planned out from the age of 14 when they make those all important GCSE choices. Nowhere are they told that it's never to late to learn something new. That just because you are utterly convinced you are going to work as a translator in the European Union that that is what you will do. 

That by the time you've left school at 18 you'll already have realised that isn't the job for you and gone on to something else. But now you've not got the right GCSEs and A Levels. But no-one tells you it's ok to drop out and think about it for a bit. There's this constant pushing to get everyone into university and to have a degree. And I don't believe everyone needs one. I don't think academia suits everyone and in some cases it puts them off altogether.

I was so convinced at 14 that I would be a translator and no-one told me that I might change my mind. I was convinced at 18 I would be a travel agent (bit of a blip there, no idea why I was so sure of that one). And then when I was doing my degree I realised that I love museums and how they work. And what I wanted to do was go into museum management. 

But then the real world came along and informed me just how ridiculous I was to have that idea now. I couldn't get on to an MA course with my degree and if I wanted to work through the ranks instead I would need to volunteer. But all the best museums have 2/3 year waiting lists just to volunteer. And then when you do volunteer, how do you live? 

So I took a job that was supposed to be temporary, to reassess what I wanted to do. And that was in 2000 and I still don't know. I have no idea what my path really is. I really enjoyed the counselling course I did, I think I could actually be quite good at it. But I have hit the price wall. 

This year they have introduced a 2 tier system. If you are under 24 the courses are subsidised. And for if you're over, well, it's a lottery. In the case of my qualification, you're not. The price to do the Level 3 course is now £545 for 24 and under and £2545 for over 25s.

I can get a loan if I want.

Except I don't want. I still have my student loans from Uni waiting for me to pay them off. This is why they are then surprised when I am at the Jobcentre. They won't fund me for any further study because I have a degree. And so I'm left to fend for myself and I don't know what to do! The advisors are given that title for no good reason. I have never met one yet who can help me.

I tell them my qualifications and then I say, but I don't know what I want to do. I only know I don't want to go back into hospitality/catering if possible. But that's where all my on-the-job experience actually lies. And they're as stumped as me. Without me to tell them what I'm looking for, they're lost. 

They accept that I want to change my career, but on the flip side they are there to get me in work. And I can do hospitality/catering but I don't want to. So I'm sure they think that, come October when I go on to being an actual Job Seeker, I'll be a nightmare.

And I am looking for work, in schools mainly as that's where I feel I might be happy. But I haven't the right experience for that. It's all so goddam frustrating. I had hoped that we'd have gotten out of the experience trap once we'd left youth, but no... 

It's 1.30am, I should shut up and go to bed. None of this will make sense to me in the morning!    

making madam over

New day, new post. We *finally* got round to getting madam's school jumpers sorted out for September. This whole task has ended up being more complex than you would have thought. We'd been told many conflicting bits of information about where and when we could source them but success is ours. Two jumpers, £2 each. Get in!

 

I was asking madam if she was ready to be a big schoolgirl now and what would she be wearing to her new school (she's worn a mix of uniform and her own clothes to nursery).

 

She told me she needed her grey skirt, white top, new jumper, grey socks and school knickers (no, I'm not entirely sure what "school" knickers are, either) and a bow in her hair. Because *all schoolgirls have bows in their hair, don't they, Mummy!* Umm, if you say so... I'm not sure how we're going to achieve this trick with her hair still being so short. After the infamous nail varnish incident which I can't believe was actually 3 months ago already!

 

And after that incident, and the one where she covered herself in my eyeshadow you'd think she'd have learnt to just leave things alone. Especially as she gets in so much trouble after them! But no. Last night she stole my nice new lipstick and coloured herself from head to foot in a dark pink shade. And it took two baths and a lot of soap to scrub it all off again.

 

apparently last time she used my eyeshadow as a lipstick and then some lipstick for random colourings...

It makes me laugh that she complains about the scrubbing when I wouldn't have to do it if she would only behave herself... I'm also *really* hoping that we'll move out of this phase soon. She seems to have been colouring herself in for years... I have to keep reminding myself that partly I should be impressed at her inquisitive nature. But mainly it's still really annoying!

 

I have given myself and mother a new project to get ourselves involved with. Madam is going to a Fairy and Pixie day at Burnby Hall and part of that involves a costume competition. So yesterday mum and I bought three different colours of netting to help make said outfit :) I am quite looking forward to getting to do a sewing project with my mum, we've never done one before.

 

Speaking of sewing projects, I haven't actually progressed with any of my other plans, which is annoying me. I really want to at least get the pieces cut so that I can get on with the sewing asap.  

memory lane: the musical

I've been thinking about music and the memories it invokes a lot this morning. It's just really been playing on my mind. It started a while ago really. It's all Peaches fault.

 

For those of you who haven't a clue what I'm talking about, Peaches is a song by a band called Presidents of the U.S.A. (there is also a really good song of the same name by The Stranglers) and came out in the mid 1990's. I was about 18 at the time. It was a bit of a novelty record, in fact I didn't like it that much.

 

 

 

But I wasn't really interested in much outside of my MJ bubble at the time. It was a song I remember that my friends liked and that I didn't actively dislike, if that makes any sense. It was one of those songs we all heard a lot. So, you know, *not* a particularly special song for me.

 

And then, I heard it again. Just in one of those slightly random moments that these things tend to happen in. And I could have been 18 again. I could picture us all in Nellie's* pool room. All the gang of us who were always in there, quite a few of whom I haven't even heard of since that summer of '96. And now, I can't stop listening to it. It's become some form of strange lifeline for me. Even madam has learned most of the words (this is not incredibly hard). 

 

But it baffles me that it's this song that does it. Maybe it's because I hadn't really heard it in all those years that it had such a powerful effect. There are so many others that I hold in my heart as special and can take me back to times/places/feelings. Bizarrely very few are MJ songs, I guess because they are so ubiquitous to every part of my life that they don't have that unique pull to a specific memory.

 

I'm kind of doing it now, I have my iTunes playing whilst I'm writing, it's an MJ song at the precise moment (The Girl is Mine, not a favourite) and it's just washing over me really, but the one before sent me right back to being at junior school! That'd be The Proclaimers and Letter from America... I can still see them on TOTP in their foxy jumpers.

 

The Proclaimers were the first singers I remember with quite such a pronounced Scottish accent. I get so much nostalgia going from them and their songs... (I am part Scottish). And isn't it strange how you can recall the words for songs you haven't heard for years too...

 

*Nellie's, btw, is a local landmark. I think I spent pretty much all my spare time there from the age of 16 until I went to Uni. It was dark and small and heaving with the "alternative" members of society. We loved it. We could wear what we wanted with out people telling us we were freaks, listen to music on the rather well stocked jukebox and play pool for as long as our money lasted and we had a drink! The landlady at the time was most insistent on our having a drink at all times and was vicious about catching the underage drinkers. So much so that even once I did turn 18 I had to take my passport in to prove it! I didn't dare even try to get served with alcohol before then... Ah, good times...

 

Oh, and a song that takes me right back to the pre-alcohol days is The Whole of the Moon by The Waterboys. I played it every time we were in there!

 

 

goodbye to the guides until September

It was the final night of Guides for this term/year last night so we thought we would introduce them to a perennial guiding favourite... Tin can cookery :) That's right, the ancient art of attempting to cook a scotch pancake/drop scone on the base of a tin using only a tea-light as your heat source! It is much more fun than you think and all the guides seemed to enjoy it.

Well, except one, who's candle refused to stay lit and didn't get even a single pancake for her efforts!

an actual cooked pancake!

in progress

it was so nearly ready and then the candle went out!

the many matches of abject failure

who'd have thought they could concentrate so hard!

But it was really funny watching them prod at the pancakes and try and guess when they were *actually* cooked! We had brought a couple of spare tins, which turned out to be the only tins anyone had brought with any holes punched in for airflow...

Now, due to the school that most of the Guides attend inconsiderately having their summer production on last night, most of the Guides were taking part in that. So we had 4! Luckily we also had 4 tins, so they got to all have a go and it set up some competition as to who could get the first pancake made.

We had some jam, sugar, and lemon for them to put on the pancakes (I find added sugar is usually the only way to make them palatable!) and they were let loose with their tea-lights and matches to try and cook as many as possible.

As there were so few of us we managed to have quite a good sort of party atmosphere going, there were juice boxes, some sweets (choc orange eclairs, FTW) and some really bad jokes being shared, example: How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill... It was quite a nice way to finish off the term. Made sadder with the knowledge that two of our group would not be back in September as they are too old to still be guides :(

Slightly sad to say goodbye to them as they started at the same time as me and it'll be strange not to have them messing about and making everyone laugh anymore.

I shall be glad to have my Friday nights free for the next few weeks, not that I will be doing anything exciting with them. Maybe madam and I should do our own tin can cooking in the back garden!   

on summer holidays and memories

 

 

Looking at yesterday's post I have realise I might have a jellyfish obsession. It could be worse I guess! Had a chat with friend L about what else I might go on to do to stop my brain shrivelling and she was suggesting I look at doing a MOOC qualification (click the link, it's quicker than me explaining).

 

I've been having a browse through the available courses this morning and it surprised me just how much free learning there is out there. The next question will be whether I trust myself to actually do something on my own.

 

Distance learning is not necessarily my friend...

 

In regards to what I spoke about yesterday, I did get a response... a vote for discussion of psychological theory... Perhaps not today though! However, I may well come back to that one day when I can't think of anything else to write about ;) Not that I actually really do much planning of what I'm going to write about.

 

You'd never guess, would you!

 

So, erm, what am I going to write about today?

 

I have started to dread the summer holidays already. Six weeks is such a long time to spend entertaining a small child. I remember it being so different when I was younger. I couldn't wait for those massive holidays. The days that seemed to never end and the constant sunshine (funny how you never remember the days when it rained non-stop).

 

I remember my mum taking us on picnics with friends and exploring new places. Digging on the beach and splashing in the sea. We baked biscuits. We made cakes and scones and played with salt dough.

 

My mum must have been tearing her hair out! I only remember how much I loved it. How my brothers and I would be allowed to go places as long as we were together. Mum's theory being one of us would be able to run back for help if needed (can you even imagine that attitude now!).

 

She must have loved those days when we played out. We would take our bikes/ball/imaginations and go off for a morning and come back at the allotted time for lunch. Then out again until tea, and sometimes afterwards as well. I don't think kids have those freedoms any more and I think it's so sad for them.

 

I remember being bored. Now that isn't a fun memory, but I remember my mum would make suggestions and we would make all sorts of things to do instead! Imagination and problem solving seem to be disappearing from our children.

 

Madam is quite good at it as she's always been left to her own devices. She tends to use her time doing destructive things and it drives me insane, but I guess a child developmentalist (that is *not* a word!) would see it differently. She, in her way, is being creative. Exploring her environment and changing it to suit herself. She is playing games that she controls. Using that impressive inner voice to tell her what to do.

 

She just seems to be incapable of remembering how cross some things might make mummy. But she's four. What happens when your pour some flour out? Hmm, does that happen if you pour more? Oh. There's none left. Now what? I know, lets see what happens if you get it wet!

 

Yes, she has done that. She also once wondered whether the toilet rim block tasted as nice as it smelled (it doesn't, and you get to go to hospital). The morning she wondered if pooh made a good painting medium also sticks rigidly in my memory!

 

Oh, and she's squeezed out toothpaste and discovered it won't go back in when you've done that (she did try). She also plays with sticks. Her sticks are wands and swords and lightsabers (hehehe). They are spades and brooms and giants.

 

She questions things and she has to know how they work. This is exactly the same as her uncle D! She asks pertinent questions that adults can't answer. Mummy, what are people for? being her finest example... Why does the moon shine was also a favourite, but I answered that.

 

And I do answer her. Not make up some rubbish to keep her quiet. On the bus yesterday she'd rolled up the ticket and told me she could use it as a piggy tale in her making. And I asked what else might it be, she couldn't really think of anything so I asked her about a book she'd had with a butterfly in. And she said, oh, it could be the proboscis (that's the proper name for a butterfly's tongue!).

 

I honestly thought she'd say tongue. I taught her the proper word in September. She has not used it since... I was just hoping she'd remember the stupid book in the first place...

 

Mind. Blown! 

 

 

is youth ever wasted?

I was saying yesterday on Twitter that I feel like I have something in me that is pushing its way out and needs to be said but that I don't have the words to phrase it yet... I spent most of last night trying to pin down what it is that's hovering there under the surface. What is it that I'm not telling myself. And why am I hiding from myself now...

 

And it wouldn't come. Though I was replying to a comment on yesterday's post and I couldn't think of how I wanted to phrase what I was saying (and I'm not entirely happy with what I did write), but something did trip out there that sort of made sense.

 

I was saying about how in your own head and your own world your life is so sad and horrid and problematic (slightly worried as "Everybody Hurts" has just come on in my iTunes mix *my computer can read my thoughts!*) and you can't see the woods for the trees. And then you watch the news and you realise that your life is so small and your problems are miniscule compared to someone else's.

 

But it doesn't stop it from feeling that way. You can only live the life that is in front of you. (That was the phrase that struck me, by the way).

 

And I thought of how selfish I am. Why is my life more important than theirs? Because its mine is the obvious answer. You have a very protective streak about the things that you own/care about.

 

I've always thought of myself as a compassionate person, I have always tried to see things from others view points. I have always wanted to help people fix things and to be there for them when they need it. I think that the world would be a much better place if we all just accepted that people are all different and unique and that accepting those differences as standard rather than being something that sets people apart would make us all a bit happier.

 

Cause I couldn't care less about who or what you are, you can be my friend as long as you are prepared to accept me for who and what I am. People are all the same. And being different makes us unique and interesting.

 

I was never a herd animal, even at school. All the sheep who all wore the same clothes and wanted to blend. Wasn't for me. But I didn't really fit my chosen group either. I only occasionally wore the all black (it doesn't suit me). Instead I had the same style of clothes, but in every colour of the rainbow. I rather famously wore bright orange Doc Martens for most of my days after 15. I also had some rainbow dungarees (yes, dungarees, this was the early 90s) and I wore them all. the. time!

 

I was the one who whilst wearing my regulation school uniform of navy blue also had jade green tights and the orange docs on. My parents (apparently) got phonecalls about my lack of respect for full uniform! I *never* knew about that until recently. See, my parents are cool really.

 

I'd like to remind everyone who's known me long enough to remember how strict my dad always was with me. How did I get away with that?

 

I was told off in sixth form for taking liberties with the colour code that was in place. I was asked to stop wearing one of my skirts because although green was allowed they preferred not that many shades of it in one garment. (yes, really). They let the blue tie-die trousers slide though. I actually remember getting an award at the end of sixth form for being thee most fashionable person!

 

I maintain it was tongue in cheek, but beggars can't be choosers!

 

I really wish there were more photos from our youth around. I have a couple, which include the rather lovely V and L (not the one who had twins. Twins! *squee*) Sadly I am not wearing anything particularly exciting in either of them!

 

 

 

I didn't listen to the same music as the rest of my group either. Being that I have been in love with Michael Jackson since I was 10. I did, from 14-17 listen to almost entirely nothing else. I know all the songs inside out and backwards. I am a massive MJ geek and am (finally) not ashamed of it. Anyone who ever checks out the photos I've liked on Instagram will be aware of my obsession still going strong!

 

God I love that I can fangirl happily away on Instagram...

 

Ugh, now I'm thinking of MJ and that it's June. It'll be 4 years on the 25th. I still haven't watched the tribute that friend H recorded for me. I can't bring myself to. My heart is still too broken to try.

 

I'm not sure if I've mentioned before that I used to draw. That was my crafting outlet as a youth. Well, you can probably guess what I spent most of my time drawing. I am very proud of the fact I can still knock off a recognisable MJ at the drop of a hat (Ha! Pun not intended.) but some of my old artwork is actually not that bad.

 

 

 

I miss drawing. But I don't have the ability any more. I'm not sure why. I used to be able to spend hours trying to perfect the likenesses. I lost my patience for it, I guess. I have been thinking of it more and more recently, so maybe it's time to give it another go...

 

I have drawn madam a couple of times, just quick sketches that I haven't been completely happy with. But I think I could really make a good go if I really tried. And in case you're wondering, no I don't really draw other things. Always people, usually faces. Unless madam is making me draw her things to colour in... Or I'm doodling for t-shirt designs ;)

 

Well, this post still hasn't solved that roiling feeling inside. But it's quite enough from me for one day...

how my girly night mutated

I succeeded in my quest to not do anything for madam t-shirt wise last night :) I actually had an evening of doing silly me things that I enjoy. Which is how come I ended up chatting on twitter whilst watching the Goonies and eating M&S caramel pretzel clusters!

 

 

 

 

I watched the Goonies with madam the other day, but as usual was doing twenty seven other things at the same time and therefore didn't get to enjoy this absolute 80s classic. I remember us getting this out the video shop for a birthday treat on many, many occasions.

 

I'd forgotten/not noticed how scary it is in places. But I still giggled at my favourite bits, though perhaps with a slightly more knowing adult sense of humour than before! The bit where "Mouth" is translating for the housekeeper is actually really rude, but I guess I had no concept of a sex dungeon as a youth...

 

How did my parents let that slide, they were always so strict? And I'd totally forgotten the bit at the beginning where one of the Fratelli's pretends to hang himself. Also, realised where that band name came from!

 

It got me thinking about all those favourite films we had from childhood. What made them so good? Are there really no films like that now? Where is this generations Goonies? What are they supposed to look up to?

 

I remember playing at being the Goonies on a treasure hunt over the Westwood. Or just plain being pirates. Cowboys and Indians (sorry, native americans), Cops and Robbers. The whole jumpers for goalposts thing. We were up trees, falling off things, in things. We used to make mud slides (sorry mum) and come home covered in god knows what.

 

And my mother would make us strip off at the back door and go and have a bath. I remember being shouted at. But I also remember we had the clothes to do it in. Playing out stuff, that was meant to get dirty.

 

Now, I got annoyed yesterday as madam came home from nursery with her nice mousie t-shirt covered in clay. I wasn't mad that she'd got it dirty, but that the nursery hadn't made her wear an apron! I'm pretty sure no 4 year old can keep clean near clay, so why were her clothes not protected. I know the nursery has aprons.

 

*sighs* I just hope it comes out in the wash! But if I thought she'd been going to clay herself I wouldn't have sent her in that t-shirt. I would have put her in one that was either already ruined in some way or that was maybe a bit on the small side and I didn't care about so much.

 

I know that madam had told the teacher that I had made the t-shirt for her.

 

But my question remains. Are there any films out there aimed at the kids who actually want to play. Or is it all cartoons for kids? I have no problem with Disney/DreamWorks/Pixar et al but they seem to just make princesses for girls... Though Merida from Brave was at least a tomboy. And Rapunzel sort of saved herself. (She still fell for the handsome thief though).

 

I want girls that get dirty and don't scream all the time. What is with all the screaming? And that have ambitions and hopes. Not to be famous. What is that? How is famous suddenly an acceptable choice? Why is it not famous for...?

 

Where are the kids films where the girls (or boys) are actually vaguely intelligent. And not portrayed as geeks/nerds for being so. Talk about making intelligence a bad thing...

 

I remember loving Labyrinth because the girl in it solved the puzzles that she was pitted against. I liked the Neverending Story because it was essentially about how reading can transport you to new worlds. I loved the Goonies because it was a proper adventure. I remember watching Home Alone for the first time and just being amazed at all the ways that kid found to get one over the adults.

 

These are good things for kids to know! How do they learn their potential if everything is given to them on a plate. If the main aim for a girl seems to be a princess or some form of celebrity.

 

I think Pink and her Stupid Girls song got it frighteningly right...