Lifestyle - A New Beginning

I have an announcement!

*clears throat*

I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!

My volunteering has paid off and I finally managed a right place/right time ultimate combo. The main selling point? My degree. Yup, the one I have always been slightly unhappy about. 

Don't get me wrong, I loved doing it and I wouldn't swap those experiences for anything. But I have never used it. I was all for going into Heritage Management after qualifying but then realised the route into the industry is fraught with broken dreams and living like a pauper for more years than I was willing to. 

So I did what most people do in that situation. Put my dreams on hold until there was a "right time" and got a proper job. I then spent numerous years working in a restaurant and dreaming of escape. I focused on education as I'd always thought I might like to teach. I applied for a couple of graduate schemes to become a French teacher but always fell down at the final hurdle. 

I retrained (whilst still working at the restaurant) and got myself a CELTA. Which is a foundation level qualification and the basic minimum for a job teaching English as a foreign language. 

I lived in Greece for a bit, came home, got married, ended up back at the restaurant again because I needed a job. Escape was so hard when there were bills to be paid. I dreamed some more, but just couldn't wiggle free. I spent a summer teaching English in the week and full-time in the restaurant at weekends (clocking up 70hr weeks in the process). 

I got pregnant and it was then I saw my chance. I *couldn't* go back to the restaurant. It just didn't fit around my childcare needs. But then they closed my restaurant whilst I was on maternity leave and I managed to get a payout for leaving a job I'd had no intention of returning to. Bonus. 

And then, to quote a well known TV theme tune 'my life got flipped, turned upside down'. I ended up a single parent and have battled with my own mental health for a few years. Last October my daughter turned five and the government insisted I look for a job. Now, I had been planning for this moment for a while and had tried to make myself more employable.

I started this blog because I was doing a counselling skills course and realised how depressed I was and how much I needed an outlet. That course was supposed to lead me to a job last summer, before the Jobcentre would ever need to be involved, but sadly it didn't. All the jobs I'd seen the year before that needed that qualification were not advertised. Bugger. 

I, therefore, dutifully signed on in the October to get my Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) and started the long, slow process of regaining employment.

I discovered the amount of skills I have puts a lot of employers off. And the government's insistence on focussing on the young unemployed by creating endless schemes to help them into jobs (which is great if you're 16-24) means employers have created millions of apprenticeships where there used to be entry level positions. 

Not so great if you're 36 and looking for a job. Any job, but don't have industry specific skills. I was a manager in a restaurant I can do admin. Possibly with my eyes closed. Have I had one single response to any of those applications? Nope. 

And then a teeny, tiny light in the dark. I found a secondary school (my preferred age range) that wanted volunteer Teaching Assistants. Perfect! I emailed over my application and a mere half an hour later they rang to offer me an interview! 

I finally started at the beginning of the summer term doing Wednesdays and Thursdays with the year 7 nurture group. I have genuinely enjoyed all of it. Even those days where I've (briefly) wished I was allowed to throttle them. And then at the end of June an advert appeared on their website. 

I, obviously, jumped at the chance. Made sure it was the best application I could do. Handed it in. Waited.

Is there anything worse than waiting?

I got so nervous one of the other TAs marched me up to the HR office so I could ask if the shortlist was ready. It was. And I was on it. Twice! 

Unbeknownst to me there were jobs going in three different areas. The Academy itself, the Intervention team (this has nothing to do with sitting your friend down and telling them you're concerned with their drug/alcohol use) and finally the Aspire project. 

Aspire is a free school that is opening in Hull in September. It is based around the Academy's Christian ethos that all students deserve to be taught. Even the ones who have been excluded from their own schools. It is taking pupils from all over the city with behavioural issues that have seen them excluded or at risk of exclusion from year 6 and up (that's 10/11yr olds up to 18yr olds.) 

And, here's the important bit, they will *all* be studying Leisure and Tourism. My degree subject! After so long with *no-one* caring about my degree having an interview panel (a member of each of those 3 different areas) all be excited by my degree. And that I carried my French up to my second degree year. And that I have counselling skills was a little pleasing, it has to be said. 

And then yesterday I got the phone call I had been praying for. I've been taken on to work at Aspire. I can't tell you just how exciting this is for me. I'm so proud of myself for not letting my anxieties stop me from pursuing something I *knew* I could be good at. And because I'll be at Aspire the chances of career progression are slightly higher. 

Moving in to teaching L&T could be a real prospect. And I'm not even scared by the idea any more. Plus, if I can make it through at least 2 years at Aspire, I think I could probably work anywhere! 

I have spent the last two weeks saying "if I get this job..." and planning so many nice things. First up, a holiday for madam and I. Not until next summer. But an actual holiday! My mum and dad have promised to finance a car for me. And I have been browsing dinky, just for madam and I, cars on auto trader. 

And finally, I've been work wear planning :) I have created a Pinterest board which you can have a look at if you fancy... 

I am crazy happy at the moment and just want to thank everyone for being so supportive (and enthusive) whilst I've been going through this process. 

As an aside, it is almost exactly six years since I went on maternity leave. I would never have imagined everything that has happened since then. But I am so ready for a change! 

Love, Pearl.

Lifestyle - A Moan About Reality

Hellooooooooo! Sorry to have been A.W.O.L. for so long. I have been rather obsessively reading a series of books and then I read my book for the month in an hour or so, so I've sort of started on next month's book! 

I say almost, because technically its not the book on the list but as the one that is happens to be the 2nd of 3, I thought I could start on book 1 now :-) 

I have been feeling a little out of love with blogging as well. Too many other things going on that I'm not too happy with for whatever reason is leaving me uninspired. I did get a bit of a boost on Sunday though as I got to be internationally famous for an evening! 

This is because my interview was up on the Bonjour, Blogger! site. I really enjoy the interview posts and love to read about different bloggers out there. It certainly made me feel a bit more happy than I had been so far that evening. Madam is still being a handful...

And that's another thing that has been winding me up. Now, I'm certainly not averse to social media and use it all the time. And yea, I edit the things I put out there. But why is the internet full of pictures of kids destroying stuff, crying at nothing and generally being horrid when *no-one* seems to mention that side of it!

These things are collected in one place and only if you know where to look will you find them. They're not all over Facebook or Twitter (at least, not that I've seen). It leaves me feeling like my child is in some way abnormal for acting the way she does. And she's just not. My 5yr old certainly is angrier than a lot of others, but the rest of the stuff is perfectly normal 5yr old behaviour, isn't it? 

If I talk to the other parents in the playground they all roll their eyes and mention the time when their little darling did x or y or even both! I sometimes wonder why this side of parenting seems to be so taboo. My struggles with madam's temper would be more manageable if I didn't feel quite so alone dealing with it.

And if you search online for help there are hundreds of other parents asking the same questions. So, I shouldn't feel so isolated, but when you've had a whole day ruined by one, almighty, tantrum and you've been told just how much you're hated by the one person you're devoted to it does niggle. Because those are the moments when I rant on Twitter and I get to see someone else's perfect day with their child!  

So, come on parents, help me out! Surely there are bad moments in your days too? It can't just be me, can it? 

Love, Pearl.

Lifestyle - Work and Learning

I have finally started my voluntary job at Archbishop Sentamu academy in Hull and I'm loving it. It's so nice to feel like I'm actually doing something useful with my time.

Work ready!

I've been with both the year 8 and 7 nurture groups which are classes where the students need extra support than a mainstream class. This involves both some challenging behaviours as well as some vulnerable students. 

I was forewarned that I might be exposed to everything possible within the course of my days with these students, and they weren't kidding! Day one with the year 8s which involved a lot of belligerence and noise was a walk in the park compared to day two with the year 7s. 

But, I loved it. I felt like I actually helped some of the students to perform much better than they may have otherwise and it was nice to have them come to me for help when they needed it. 

I think I did use the phrase "can you be quiet, please" more in one hour than I have ever thought would be necessary, but these are kids who exemplify the acting out when bored mould. They also can't sit still and wandered around the classroom all the time!

What worries me is that some of these behaviours are exactly the same as madam's and I am now having visions of her being in a class like that when she's older! Some of the students in there were quite obviously very intelligent, one of the year 8s in particular really sticks out in my mind, but so incapable of self control... 

So my mummy brain has kicked into overdrive and I'm now plotting ways in which I can help madam to fit into the box they expect her to, without squishing her personality. I may be on an uphill battle here, school has already taken note of her inabilities. I don't want her put in the naughty kid box, because she is not and she is capable of so much. She just is not a typical sitting at a desk learner. 

Having done some work on learning styles I'm beginning to draw the conclusion my child learns better when she is moving. She HAS to be able to stand up and dance when watching anything, she still puts everything in her mouth to discover it fully. She can sit at a task if it really engages her, for example she's really good at drawing, but she needs a period of doing something afterwards before she can move on to the next task. 

Schools are not set up like that though. They put everyone in the auditory learner box, which works very well for me, but is definitely not for everyone. Hands up all the people who use video tutorials on YouTube all the time. They quite often confuse me... I like written instructions, not picture instructions (IKEA, I'm looking at you!) but real words. Or you can read something to me and I will follow that happily.

Madam can't really do either, partly because the kid is 5, but because she needs to take part to learn. How will school be able to help her? (Did I mention I'm in panicky mummy mode.)

I'm hoping as she ages and matures she may learn to process things in her own way so that she can fully participate at school. Next year when she goes into a proper sitting in front of a desk style learning environment is going to be a struggle, I can tell.

Do you think it's worth me speaking to the teacher about this? Surely if I as someone with very little knowledge of teaching know about learning styles, she must. Then maybe we could develop a technique to help her. 

OK, need to stop myself before I go into full on anxiety mode. She is 5, she is doing OK. She has all the advantages of a good school and loving family to help her. She's going to get through. And school is only a short time of her life to get past. 

Let's look to the good things. Madam is starting athletics after school tomorrow so hopefully she can burn off some of that abundant energy she is blessed with. And Rainbows is on Thursdays. First week was last week and it went really well (hence the silly picture!) 

She is now keen for me to get her the full uniform. She'll have to wait a couple of weeks, I think!  

the benefits of jobseeking

Perhaps I need to start widening my job-hunting criteria!

There has been much stress in my life over the last couple of weeks whilst I sorted out going from Income Support to Job Seekers Allowance (JSA). I was told all the steps I needed to take and *exactly* when to take them.

I did ask them whether I could apply for JSA early as a payment gap would be a big issue for madam and I. They assured me that if I applied when I was told to that there would be no issues. This was obviously one massive lie.

I have spent the last couple of weeks in a weird kind of limbo wherein I am being paid money, but not the quantity I was anticipating and at different times than I was planning on. I have at least been paid enough that I covered my rent payments, but it left me with nothing else. Almost literally.

My mum and dad lent me some cash just to tide me over and I thought it would be resolved on Tuesday this week when my next payment was due in. Again, I was wrong. The payment wasn’t there at which point I had a major freak out and considered making a formal complaint to the DWP.

I found the site to make complaints and it said I should check with my branch to see if they could help before instigated complaint procedures and I figured, as I was going to sign on, I would ask them in person. Having got to sit with my advisor and he ticked me off I then asked about my money.

The chap looked at me as if I was a bit of a wally and explained for JSA the signing on acts as a signal to release my money and then it would be paid a couple of working days after that. Why no-one could have told me that at any point before I got to meltdown level, I don’t know. The upside is that I am expecting a full payment on Friday and can then pay off all sorts of other things that have been on pause whilst I’ve been transitioning.

One of the things I am waiting to do is change my name by deed poll. This has been more of an issue than I thought it would. It’s my name after all and I *should* be able to call myself whatever I fancy. My dad has proved less keen than I was expecting. I have said for ages I would go back to my maiden name but then, I thought, why should I? I have spent years frustrated at people’s inability to pronounce or spell my name; I should go for something easier.

My mum’s maiden name is really nice and easy and my uncle didn’t have any kids so will die out with him. Well, their branch of it will at any rate, so why not change it to that then. One word: Dad. He was not keen on the idea at all and when my cousin jokingly said I should use it as a first name with my maiden name as a surname he got even more upset! I think it might have been in part as I agreed with said cousin and said it was cool. At no point would I ever have *actually* done that though. I do not wish to spend the rest of my life explaining why I am named after a woodland creature!

So then today I came up with a name that combined the two and I actually quite liked (I still am unlikely to actually use it) and this did at least raise a bit of a smile with my dad. But I think I will just go back to re-joining my lovely Scottish roots. I have always been proud of that part of myself; it’s always made me a little unique amongst my friends. And my middle name, which I loathed for years? Nope, gonna keep that too. Unique is good sometimes. I am nothing if not full of contradictions.

So, having spent a couple of weeks dithering and deciding I think I will just revert to maiden name as I had always planned to. But now I have made the decision I want to be able to do it instantly, the waiting for the official paperwork may be all just too much for me! I then just need to filter it out to everyone who knows me by my married name. Bank first, methinks…

Oh, and then I have to deal with my poor madam being upset she can't change her name too... I have been told the school might do it for her within that setting, but obviously not on anything official.

She had the day off school yesterday as she's having another viral wheeze episode with the rotten cold she has at the moment. We mainly sat about in our 'jamas and played around in the morning and then we went to my parents to annoy them for a bit! Madam introduced them to the Lorax which they both giggled at and I went to the jobcentre again for a meeting with a training advisor. The result of which is me being booked on a course to update my IT skills... 

in which I read too much into things

I have spent the morning watching YouTube videos. This was not just on a whim but because the first thing I did this morning (after reading the brilliant new post on Hyperbole and a Half) was read an article about an open letter from Sinead O Connor to Miley Cyrus.

 

The two names mentioned together was what drew me to it. I didn't really understand why she might be bothering. The letter, which you can read here, was apparently written as Miley had quoted Sinead O Connor's seminal Nothing Compares 2 U video as the main influence for her newest offering.

 

I read the letter, I agreed with most of what Sinead had to say. And then I clicked on the link to watch the video. I won't say I was horrified, I wasn't even that surprised that it has finally come to a point where a female singer is entirely naked in her own video. But I was so frustrated that Miley had thought it was ok for her young fans to watch that.

 

I can't help thinking about all the young girls, like my own, who will see that and have so many questions. Aside from the obvious "mummy, why is that lady in the nuddy?" and "isn't she cold like that?" that I would get from mine, there are so many things that older girls will have to think about.

 

I watched the video and clicked on one of the next videos that were suggested. This was the famous "twerking" video. But even that was less bothersome. At least she was (mainly) clothed in this one. I'm obviously more of a prude than I thought. And, genuinely, I'm not really that fussed about what these girls are wearing. It's their body, it's their choice. But I wonder if it really is.

 

Clicking on another Miley song "Party in the USA" reveals a very different image being portrayed and also lyrics that tell of an independent girl attitude about not wearing stilettos to fit in with the in crowd. Brilliant, this is the kind of song I want my daughter to be listening to. And that was how it started. Clicking only on videos that were suggested I had a look at some of the female artists that are out there at the moment.

 

My daughter is suddenly very aware of the outside world and is starting to be aware of "cool". There are girls at school who talk about different singers than she's ever come across. I clicked on Jessie J's Do It Like A Dude as it's one madam already likes. She doesn't understand the lyrics (probably just as well) but has picked up the chorus and can be heard singing "do it like a brother, do it like a dude" every now and again. I like the song, I'm not going to lie, that's why she's heard it. But it isn't massively suitable.

 

But at least Jessie seems to be able to keep her clothes on. I looked for more girls and clicked on a few Katy Perry videos. I was trying to stick with pop/urban as that is what is most prevalent. Katy, again, mostly managed to stay dressed in the videos that I watched. Her lyrics are quite clever and sometimes powerful. She talks of independence and making it on your own values. Again, I like. I would like my daughter to believe she is important enough to not allow herself to be messed around.

 

I skipped the Beyoncé section as she watches a lot of those at home. I like Beyoncé, and I like the majority of her music. I like her videos and even though she seems to be wearing less clothes with every album, I'm not too bothered about her being madam's favourite. On to the wonderful Pink and her Stupid Girls video. I have mentioned my love for this video in an earlier post, but it seemed appropriate to view it again now.

 

And she still wins. Feisty girl, speaking about women making something of themselves instead of pretending to be vacuous. I love that song so much for all it says and the humour that she manages to get into it. I also watched a couple of Lily Allen's videos. Other than loving her sense of humour and her catchy tunes I found the song The Fear is another attempt at dealing with what women think they should be. She is so wonderfully straight talking, but perhaps a little too old for my 4 yr old!

 

Lily Allen led on to La Roux. Now, madam loves the song Bulletproof and I have to say that I love the video as La Roux is being exactly who she is. She is very striking and possibly not considered pretty (though, I think she is, but I think Tilda Swinton is and people disagree there, too). But I love that she isn't trying to fit into an image of what an attractive female should be. Because (based on these videos) girls should mainly have "bikini bodies" and be willing to prance about on camera showing said body off. *shudders*

 

Then I watched the Lady Gaga video for Born This Way. I actually had real trouble with it. It's a song that sings of acceptance and being proud of who you are (so far, so good) but there is no-one in the video that would not be considered one of the beautiful people! They are all skinny and, again, in nowt but their underwear. Does no-one ever get cold? I really loathed it. I have trouble with a lot of Gaga's imagery as a lot of her videos could well be mistaken for porn. She wears so little and poses so provocatively. The over-sexualisation of girls is something I really worry about. I resolutely refused to buy my child a tracksuit that had "cute academy" emblazoned all over it last winter. There were no plain tracksuits available in the girls section. They all had a slogan based on attractiveness on. I bought her a boys one.

 

On to Kelly Clarkson, again madam knows one of her songs quite well (it's in my favourite film) but again I'm quite happy with Kelly. Also, I know she speaks out quite a bit on size issues as she regularly gets a lot of negativity for gaining weight. She's cute, she sings about stuff I approve of, she gets my vote. Next up Pussycat Dolls, now I know that they're no longer together but watching their video with new eyes was quite strange. Again, I think that adult women should be allowed to wear what they want and be left the hell alone for it, but little kids look up to these women and I think they should be more aware of their influence.

 

I don't want my child parading around in so little clothes! (prude, prude, prude!) Oh and judging much today, oh yes!

 

On to Cheryl Cole, someone else madam already likes songs by. I only saw one song and it was pretty meh. I found her fairly harmless really. Better than Rihanna who was up next. Now Rihanna. I confess to liking her music, but I don't like her style. I felt nothing but sorry for her after the Chris Brown incident and was cross with her for going back to him. But she really nailed what my issue is. She started out in the Pon Da Replay video as a kid. Wearing her baggy jeans and her beanie hat, like all the other girls she probably grew up around. Now, half naked (or more) in all her videos. Why does growing up, for these girls, seem to equate to an inability to keep their clothes on? What message does that send to my child? Who are all the people around them that are encouraging that image? Why does it sell?

 

I worry for these young girls. How will they feel about themselves when they're older? Oh, and I did watch a couple of Nicki Minaj videos but as they were so lyrically explicit I wouldn't let madam anywhere near them in the first place, never mind her (what seems to be) underwear only policy in her videos...

 

I asked on twitter for sexy singers and was given only one response. Eartha Kitt. I had to giggle. So true, but she was sexy in such a different way. So much less in your face. And I think the world is a sadder place for that.

 

Now, I know that what I would like my daughter to listen and aspire to will be entirely different from what she wants. And it is her right to choose. But I do hope, by exposing her to artists who try and be about their individuality and who want girls to be the best at what they are, she might grow up to hold herself and her own values above what other people tell her to be. 

 

So she does go for that career she wants and she dresses to please herself and not the world. She is smart and funny and I hope she always thinks that those are admirable qualities and never hides her light. 

 

(I am now listening/watching Eartha Kitt on YouTube... I <3 her!)      

jobs are back in fashion

mere hours old, and after a 4-day induction, I am never going to forget when she was born!

 

 

I have had The Letter. The DWP have written to tell me that my child will be 5 soon (gee, thanks, without you telling me I might have forgotten!) and that I will be taken off income support at that point and will have to apply for JSA. Great. I am so looking forward to that. Not.

 

And why do I have to apply again? Surely I should just be moved onto it... Although, they have also stated in the letter that I may not be entitled to it, so that's probably why. As far as I know I am, but it's enough to make you nervous... And I really don't want to be on JSA, they make you feel so shit about being unemployed. Like it's some sort of choice you've made.

 

I would love not to have lost my job (that I hated and didn't *actually* plan on going back to) but I did. And then because I happened to lose my job/have a baby at almost the exact same moment as the recession hit in 2008, finding another one was suddenly impossible.

 

My plan had been to have madam and at the end of my maternity leave go back to a part-time job. Now, that would have been impossible where I did work as I couldn't have had hours that would have fitted in with childcare hence why I was always going to leave. But this was different. There were no jobs in the town where I lived. And I don't mean that as some sweeping generalisation. There were none. ALL the biggest employers had either closed or laid off everyone except the bare minimum.

 

There was no seasonal work as no-one was going anywhere as no-one had any money. Scarborough died in 2008. It was awful. Anyone with a job held onto it with both hands, no matter what it was. Not even K could get work. And he'd worked everywhere in that town. He ended up doing the odd night on a door in Driffield, but that was it.

 

So we moved back to Beverley. And I still miss Scarborough all the time. I sometimes wonder about moving madam and I back there, one (well, actually both) of her godmother's live there. I have friends with small kids, it's small enough for me to not feel intimidated like I do in cities, but bigger than here. The reason I don't is the exact reason we left.

 

There is nowhere else locally. Nowhere bigger anyway. The nearest cities are Hull and York, both about an hour away. So living back in my home town where Hull is just a 20min bus ride away is much better for me, jobwise. And Scarborough is still a seasonal town. Jobs are mostly service based and if you're one of the unlucky ones there will be no work in the off-season. Zero hours contracts are the absolute norm.

 

I can't live like that, certainly not now I have madam and that we're on our own. Actually, financially the being on our own bit makes little difference as K quite happily left me to pay the majority of everything even when we were together. He used to give me £75 a week, which he cut down to £40 without any thought of how little money that would leave me with.

 

This is another form of domestic abuse that I *actually* didn't really understand about until after we broke up. That control he had over money was another way of making me the weaker partner. Most of my debt issues started from there. I couldn't keep up with all our bills etc, and after I lost my job it just went into freefall.

 

Sorry, should have put a trigger warning on that last statement. For me if for no-one else. I have had to take a short break to calm myself down. So angry that he controlled me in so many ways and that I didn't even recognise it.

 

Domestic abuse makes you feel stupid.

 

*breathes*

 

Sorry, back to me getting a job... I am staying put in Bev as I am better placed to get a job as there is a big city and several biggish villages/smallish towns around and about for me to plum(b?) for jobs... But I do keep seeing photos of the seaside and wishing I was there...

 

But now I have to get serious about my job searching and start treating it as a job rather than a past-time. I would still prefer to only work part-time so that I could do the school run, but am aware that that is unlikely to happen. I am incredibly glad that mum and dad are local and I can rely on them to do that bit for me if I can't! But I don't want them to have to do it every day. And I'd like not to work weekends if at all possible, which would be something of a novelty as every job I've ever had has involved weekend working.

 

This is why I want to work in schools. I am considering applying for everything from dinner lady (person) up. I would love to not be reliant on the government for all the money I have. I would like for K to bother giving me some child support *laughs so hard there are tears in my eyes*. He won't. But he should. I don't get how any man (or woman) can just walk away from their child without it seeming to bother them in the slightest. How do you not care where they're getting food, warmth, shelter and clothing from?

 

I apparently, am a fool for caring about my offspring. 

 

But I am terrified with how I'm going to get on with all the form filling I'm about to start having to do. Let alone my lack of interview skills. I am so bad at interviews... I hate selling myself. Perhaps I should include a link to my blog in my applications! No, then they might realise I'm crazy...

 

I have managed to get myself a few smart clothes that would be suitable to wear to an interview and I know if I do get a chance to work in a school I have some experience with the age range. I just feel like I'm floating around grabbing at something to anchor me. I am so afraid of returning to that environment, even though it's what I need. 

 

Days are long now that madam is at school properly. Time to colour in the hours we're apart so that we can show each other our days over tea :)  

 

 

and breathe...

Hello, my friends! I am still feeling wiped out so I shall try not to ramble on too much.

 

I had a good evening as madam seems to be back to sleeping well. She went to bed on time without too much of a fight as well. I wasn't sure if she would as she hasn't done anything to tire her out. But I suppose she must be feeling like me and just feel drained by the whole experience.

 

I've sent her to school this morning and will pick her up at lunch time as I don't want her to over-tire herself. She was really pleased to be going back this morning and I have wrapped her in plenty of layers so that she doesn't get cold. Not that I am being a panicky mummy or anything, oh no...

 

But I just have that image in my head of her gasping for breath (bit like my dad's fish did in the summer...) and I know that they would never let that happen, but it's one of things that I can't un-see. And I will always be more aware of what could happen. The school told me they would check on her at playtime (remember how good playtime was!) and let me know if she looked like she might be struggling/tiring. No one has rung and playtime must be about over (it's 10.30am *now*) so she must be ok :)

 

Being protective mummy has meant I made her wear her hat and gloves to school, she also has on the lovely padded jacket that friend E passed us down from her little girl. I did iron in a name label, but I hate doing it onto fleece as it always ruins a little bit of it. Never mind. One small patch of non-fleecy will not affect her at all, just me and my perfectionism that don't like it!

 

I want to put her gloves on elastic as it makes life so much easier, but last year she just kept pulling them out of her coat and refused to wear the elasticated ones... Her independent streak can be infuriating! But I shall consult with her and see if she'll let me this year. They're really nice fleece lined ones and I don't want her losing them.

 

I got the new issue of Simply Crochet magazine yesterday and I have been prevailed upon to make the little fox purse out of it for a certain someone! I think I might make the granny square scarf for myself (though maybe substitute the pink) as the scarf I started I'm not sure I like as much as I thought I would... Although the scarf/hood on the cover is quite tempting too!

 

I keep looking at the time as I'm paranoid about picking madam up! It's not even 11... Might just go to Boyes and look at yarn first ;)

 

the happiness hamster!

 

 

  

a rather different weekend than planned

I am exhausted! I have had possibly the most worrying weekend of my entire life and we're still coping with the fall out now.

 

It started off so well. I went to Guides as normal on Friday evening and came back really positive about what we're doing over the next half term. Madam had been coming down with a cold most of the week. Same as ever when we start a new term! I have it as well, she's so good about sharing!

 

Anyway, I came back on Friday evening to find her fast asleep on my mum and the news that she'd thrown up all over my dad. Oh dear. She was prodded and made to wake up so that we could go back to our house. But she made a massive fuss and we decided that if she went straight to sleep we would stay the night. And she did, though we noticed she seemed quite chesty and a bit wheezy when we put her down.

 

At 5 in the morning my mum prodded me awake and told me that an ambulance was coming as madam was having difficulty breathing. I got up and went into my parents room where she was propped up in bed and was obviously struggling for every breath. Not good at all. Mum said she'd got into bed with them and was puffing and panting so much they'd phoned 111 to get some advice. The lady had asked to listen to her and decided to send out the ambulance.

 

And we got two! The first one arrived shortly and explained that a warning light had just come on and that another bus was coming to *actually* take us to the hospital. They checked madam over and put her on a nebuliser and asked her to recite a nursery rhyme to check how she was doing. She sang Humpty Dumpty but could barely get to the end of the sentence without gasping for breath.

 

We got taken into the ambulance (the new one) and blue-lighted to the Hull Royal Infirmary. Madam was a little upset she didn't get the sirens, but we explained they only use those when the traffic is busy. Which it is not at half past 5 in the morning.

 

We got to the hospital for about 6 and were admitted to A&E. We waited there until 9 and then got moved to the children's A&E as that was now opened. From there things moved much faster (the main A&E was stacked to the rafters, bless them, they were so good with her).

 

The children's A&E gave her 10 puffs on a Salbutamol inhaler at 9.15am and sent her up to PASSU (Paediatric Assessment Unit). They assessed her again at about 11.30am and despite the fact madam was leaping about and destroying the triage room the Doctor said she was still really working for every breath and she was given another 10 puffs. We were told that until she could go 4 hours between treatments she wouldn't be going home.

 

So they found us a bed and madam some lunch and we settled down to wait. Well, I did. Madam doesn't understand the concept of resting so went off to cause chaos with anything possible. At 2pm they came back again and decided she needed another 10 puffs. She also got a dose of steroids which apparently, tasted vile (Mummy smirking may have happened).

 

They wanted to leave her 4 hours and said they would come back at 6 to reassess and then we might be able to go home. Due to a bit of a mix up in communication she was given another 6 puffs at about 4.30. We then had to wait until about 8 for the Doctor to come around to her. He said he was thinking that she might need to stay but that with another dose she might be able to go.

 

However, she fell asleep (passed out from exhaustion, you choose) before they could give her it. She was given her 10 puffs whilst she slept and put on a pulse ox monitor. It showed she was still struggling and they decided, to be on the safe side, we should go up to the children's ward and spend the night.

 

As it turned out it was a good job she stayed. They had her on a monitor and I could only watch as her oxygen saturation kept dipping down. They put her on the lowest rate of oxygen. It helped, for a while. And then she needed a bit more help. And then more. They put her back on nebulisers instead of the inhalers and she levelled out when they started her on 35% oxygen. Now, that much oxygen sounds very scary, and fortunately I didn't realise she was on that much at the time. I crept into the bed next to her and fell asleep because I was so tired.

 

Sunday morning

 

 

We were woken at 6am when she had another nebuliser and then... She was awake. And spent the rest of the day causing chaos and getting under the poor nurses feet. We finally managed to get her to 4 hours between inhalers though. They had said that if madam had a nap and they could monitor her breathing then we might be able to go home. But madam refused to settle until after tea. She dropped off for about an hour or so and so did I. Sadly it was too late and we were in for the night. Again. I have to say we both slept quite well. Tiredness overtook us both and we slept pretty much through until morning.

 

So, Monday morning when we woke up she had her inhaler and we were told that we would be going home as she'd had such a good night. Just had to wait for the Doctor to do his rounds and discharge us. We saw him about 10.30am and then had to wait for our discharge letter. But we left about 2pm. We went downstairs to the pharmacy as madam had another inhaler (the Salbutamol one still) to collect.

 

Then we just had to wait for my dad to pick us up. We sat in the foyer for a while and madam ended up wearing my coat and curled up under my chair fast asleep! No idea how she managed that. It was very noisy in the foyer, and I don't imagine the floor was very comfortable!. My dad had to pick her off the floor and carry her to the car. A nurse happened to walk past at that point and I think we slightly concerned her with what must have looked like a collapsed person on the floor. We reassured her she was just asleep and we finally left the hospital.

 

I was so glad to get her home and took the decision to keep her off school again today as she is still supposed to be resting and I don't think school is really the place to do that! She will go back tomorrow though as she has had another good night (and I expect her to again tonight). Her school are happy to give her her inhaler when she needs her dose and I think it'll do her good to try and get back to her routine.

 

I'm not sure I appreciate madam's propensity for being admitted to hospital, lets hope we'll not be back again for quite some time to come!  

Hedgehogs and Gromits

I saw the cutest baby hedgehog today (Thursday) when we going home after madam’s teddy bears picnic. It was such a surprise to see it wandering around in broad daylight that it took me a moment to work out what I was seeing.

I took a few photos as I happened to have my camera on me. I don’t think you can tell how small it is! And we did manage to stop madam from picking it up for a cuddle…

 



 

 

 

We came home to find the DVD I’d ordered from Amazon had arrived so I spent the end of the afternoon and early evening educating madam on the joys of early 80s Christmas TV! And I have to say the Box of Delights pretty much stood up to the repeat viewing. The special effects were a bit creaky, but other than that the story stood the test of time and it was just as absorbing as I remember it.

Madam was slightly freaked by the opening credits but the actual program content was nothing that she was bothered by. She was a bit fidgety, but I did make her watch all six episodes back-to-back!

I have my first review at the gym tomorrow. Will be interesting to see how it’s gone for the last 5 weeks. I have been finding it pretty easy to stick to and am hoping for some inch loss if nothing else. I think I’ve lost a couple of kilos, which is not too bad, given I haven’t been on a diet with it…

Mother is going to have madam whilst I’m doing my bit. Her plan is to take madam to the park and run her around for as long as she can bear it. And then hopefully madam will go to sleep on time. This is because himself will be arriving later…  

We’re going to Bristol this weekend. I am actually quite looking forward to it. Not the whole spending time with himself bit, but the being back in Bristol. I do love it as a city.

And this time we’re going on a Gromit hunt. There is an exhibition called Gromit Unleashed and there are 80 models around the city for us to find. I am not convinced we’ll manage even half of them, but we can have a go J We’ll be outside in the fresh air, and when we searched for toads a couple of years ago in Hull we had such good fun.

I have pictures of madam with all the ones we found and am planning the same with the Gromits. I’ll have to post some when we’ve done. I’m desperate to find the strawberry one!

 

I told you I went shopping and I am planning on wearing some of the new clobber for my hols (cause I see it as a bit of a holiday). I get to see lovely L and her kids, the twins are 3months old already! I am looking forward to much baby smushing and cuddles. I love seeing her older boy playing with madam, they get on so well. Well, for the most part!

And as L has moved house she now has a fabulous park just around the corner for us to sit in and watch the kids playing. I love going to see her as she always makes me feel so much better. Like I can do anything. Like I am in control.

I do wish I lived down there. I’ve been starting to think I may never get my life back on track until I can fend for myself again. My parents are amazing and I would not be where I am now without them. But I feel like a child having them help me all the time. Like I am not my own person as they still have so much influence over everything I do.

I love them so much and I don’t like the idea of living far away from them. I get terrible homesickness. But I need to make a move for me. I need to strike out on my own again. Something I have always failed at doing. But I am a parent, and I have to provide for my daughter. Even if all I manage is some form of work experience somewhere away from here.

The only issue of course is that now madam is at school we’re much less flexible. Perhaps I should look at doing something in the next summer hols. Find a project for us to participate in. But I have to be far away and I have to get along by myself. Does that make sense?

I have a need to get away from all the safety and security that surround me. Because I think I am stagnating and I don’t have the drive to push myself out of my comfort zone. Madam going to school will be something of a push as I will have all that time to myself.

I am hoping to get some work experience organised in the local high school for myself come the start of term. I am really keen to do it and I need to kick myself up the arse and get it organised. I’m hoping if I can get the experience it’ll start to help me build my confidence. I need to trust in my own abilities again.  

in the quiet of the night

I wrote this last night, be aware, a whole nights sleep works wonders!

 

 

 

I have had the evening pretty much to myself. Madam fell asleep almost straight after tea at my parent’s house. We left her about an hour and then transferred her back to our place. I got her straight into bed and read her a story and despite protesting that she really wasn’t tired after all, didn’t hear a peep from her after I left the room…

 

Not tired though…

 

I was downstairs and on my own by 8pm! This hasn’t happened in like, a year. I gave it a good twenty minutes before I was confident I really could relax. I borrowed the Hobbit DVD from my parents and have been watching that. I’ve also been doing some crocheting so I’m feeling quite calm and relaxed.

 

I’m making a scarf, not sure why. Just felt like it. I’m trying to practice joining the motifs as I make them so that I don’t have the boring task of sewing them all together at the end. It’s going well so far, I think.

 

I had forgotten just how good it feels to have the better part of my evening alone. Especially as, since madam’s bed broke last week, I have to share my bed at the moment. For the first time in an absolute age I might actually be ready to go to bed before 2am, even despite all the caffeine my mum has fed me today! That woman does like a strong coffee…

 

I have been left with thinking space, though. And once the film finished and everything was quiet then my brain decided to start ticking over. And it’s ticked onto the quietness is bad setting and is now screaming things at me so loudly that all my nice relaxing is being put to waste.

 

So that’s why I’m writing this now, in the quiet and the dark, so that maybe my brain will click off again soon and I might get that restful sleep I so need. I have a feeling I might be out of luck.

 

I have my music on to push the quiet away, and I’m deliberately listening to upbeat stuff, I know what my triggers are…

 

When did it get to be that the quiet was my enemy though? I like peace and quiet and seek tranquillity out for the most part. But now I’m suddenly being beaten around the head with all my negative thoughts and I wish I was somewhere, anywhere, else.

 

Want to know what it is that I’m thinking? Maybe if I write it down I’ll be able to get it to move one.

 

First off, the big one, that hides behind everything I do and is always just under the surface. I am alone. And lonely. The quiet just brings it out. There is no noise because there is no-one else here. I am alone because I was left behind by a man who doesn’t know how to care about me and that I still have feelings for, even though they are fading.

 

Which brings us to: No-one will ever love me because I am obviously unlovable and not good enough to care about. I am unlovable because I am fat and disgusting. I should just hide from the world; it doesn’t need me and doesn’t miss me.

 

I am useless; I don’t have a job or a purpose and make no contribution. I take what the state gives me and I give nothing back. I sit on my arse and I let the world go on without me. Because it doesn’t even need me.

 

I am not good enough. I don’t deserve the good things I have.

 

I was hoping I might think of some ways of arguing with myself, but it hasn’t worked. The voices are too loud and I am too weak. I know – I believe – that my mind is playing tricks on me. But it’s so hard to switch it off… Quick, think of something positive

 

I can’t

 

I really can’t

 

Gah! Think! Positive!

 

This Too Shall Pass

Still I Rise

I am strength and resilience…

I am loved.

 

 

 

 

 

And so to bed.