Lifestyle - Father's Day

I've been meaning to write a Father's Day post for a few days, but haven't had the chance. It's a strange day in our house as my Dad has never celebrated it and madam's dad isn't exactly outstanding in the field! 

We actually had a really busy day as madam had a party in the morning and we decided to go out for the afternoon... Madam was at the local soft play centre for 11am and was bouncing around the house for *hours* beforehand.

I loathe sitting around at parties talking to mums I don't really know which is why I tend to leave madam to it if possible. Not the case at soft play, sadly. Though, being Father's Day meant it really wasn't very busy in there. Thankfully. 

After much partying and birthday lunching we decided to go to Hornsea (a local seaside town) for the afternoon. As the weather wasn't too cheerful we decided on going to the mere instead of the beach. Which was probably the best plan as it was windy enough there! 

The mere is home to a pretty sizeable goose population and madam had a great time collecting together the biggest feathers she could find. She has since taken them to school for crafts :-)  When she had picked up as many feathers as any one child could need we had a bit of a wander and she walked along one of the jetties to get a better look at the water. 

I did the parent thing of deciding whether to intervene as she made some rather scary manoeuvres horribly near the edge, but she didn't fall and I was glad she had got to do it her way. I bought her a wee windmill in the little shop that I don't remember ever being there before and she had fun running around and watching it spin. 

She mentioned her kite several times and we've decided that's what we'll do this weekend coming. Quite looking forward to that, its ages since we've flown the kite!

We voted for going to the Freeport in Hornsea for a drink as we were getting a bit chilly by the mere. We had a wander round the shops and had madam's feet measured at the Clark's outlet. She is now a size 1! But her school shoes are still OK until the end of this term, I hope! They'll just have to be, frankly! 

My mum is quite looking forward to madam's feet being bigger than hers (4) as she thinks that'll stop her wearing hers! Nope... 

One cup of coffee and glass of fizzy orange later we headed back to my parents to see younger bro for a bit before going home for tea. We had yummy meatballs and pasta and madam was told she could have a couple of the sweeties in her party bag. 

She ate all of them. I, therefore, told her off and banned her from having any more sweets this week. She was not impressed and threw some things at me. At which point I banned her from any bedtime stories for the week either. Major madam meltdown.

She was livid. But I wouldn't back down and did manage to get her to put her pyjamas on. Couldn't get her to go to bed and got stabbed with an umbrella and hit in the face with a flying projectile for my efforts. 

I left her to it. She was too angry to even try to reason with. She plonked herself on the floor under my feet. Eventually, she fell asleep where she was. I merely covered her over and left her to it. She woke up about 10pm. I told her to get in bed, she wimped a bit but went straight upstairs and silence re-descended. 

On Sunday I was really upset she'd spoiled our nice day. But in hindsight, it was only bedtime. We still had had a lovely day. She was still unreasonable and frighteningly out of control, but I think I need to focus on the good parts. 

She did, sort of in the middle, quiet down enough to tell me she missed her daddy and wanted him there and not a new one (she's a bit obsessed with me remarrying). And I understood a least a little of where this massive outburst had come from. 

Of course she was angry that I had confiscated things she liked but she had spent the week being built up at school and at Rainbows for a Father's Day she felt excluded from. This is the first year she's really been cognisant about it. Every other year she has been happy to accept me as substitute. But I'm not her Dad. And her Dad is gone at the moment. She hasn't seen him since August bank holiday last year and he hasn't phoned her for ages. 

My divorce (that's a whole other post!) is in progress and she is very aware of that. She is confused. Again. I feel heartbroken that she has to constantly deal with all these things when she is still so young. But I hope we can get through to the other side soon and she can get some happiness and stability back. 

I wish that we were there already though. 

Love, Pearl. 

New Year 2014

Happy New Year! I don't know why I bother getting excited by New Year, I mainly just do the same things every year...

I didn't even break open the red wine like I thought I might. I mainly just sat on the sofa with madam and watched Harry Potter 2-5 (we watched 1 the day before). Madam thought I should watch the next 3 but I pointed out I would get no sleep at all if I did that.

Madam made it until the end of the Goblet Of Fire and watched the fireworks the neighbours were setting off. She then almost immediately settled down next to me and fell fast asleep whilst I watched The Order Of The Phoenix. 

I didn't even get all the way through it before I fell asleep myself! We woke up at about 5am and hauled ourselves upstairs and collapsed into my bed. We finally surfaced at about 11am this morning! Really crap parenting, I am good at! (My parents do not approve of allowing a five year old to stay up until midnight!)

We got up, madam put on one of her many posh frocks (this one is from Primark, so not sure you can count it as posh...) and came over to mum and dad's. They were (as they do every year) watching the New Year's Day concert from Vienna. I love family traditions. Madam didn't even bat an eyelid at the random classical music concert and mainly just joined in waltzing to The Blue Danube at the end. 

We have had warm bread rolls and nice cheeses and now mother is preparing the New Year's Day feast for tea. This year it's a sort of boeuff bourginon followed by Christmas pudding. Yes, I know it's New Year, put we never have Christmas pudding on the actual day as it's just too much after everything else you have scoffed!

Now, talking of Christmas, I am enjoying relative peace to type this as madam is playing with the new Wendy house that my mum and dad got her. It is quite a bit bigger than anyone presumed it would be! It is basically an enormous cardboard box that has designs on the outside that she can colour in. With doors and windows too. 

It is so big she can stand up in it (the people who have a concept of how tall madam is are all impressed now!) I shall show you photos...

Massive, huh! It fills up just about all the available floor space in my parents conservatory. I am expected to take it home and find somewhere for it in my house! It will go in her bedroom. *grits teeth* It will!

I'm hoping she will use it as a home for all her dollies and soft toys as these are what she spends most time playing with. She loves playing families with them. They get told off a lot though, it has to be said!

Oh, and madam has cottoned on to a new idea. If I am not going to be married to Daddy any more, then I can get married again. And she could be a bridesmaid. Wearing a blue dress. With a bow at the back... Apparently! 

what's in a name?

I've done it. It's finally official. My name is now changed and I am back to my maiden name. Despite my flirtations with changing it more completely I have chosen to merely revert as it's easier that way.

After all, the name I was given at birth is one I will always own and as soon as I sort out my divorce will be available for me to use again. Just this weird bit whilst I'm separated means I needed a bit of paper.

And my friend J, who's a solicitor, drew it up for me over the weekend and I signed it yesterday and that's it. She didn't even charge me for it, bless her. So all of you who had got to grips with the weird spelling that I changed it to can now try and remember how to spell the weird name you first knew me as!

my name is all over this, so excuse the massive amount of blacking out!

 

This new name thing is affecting me more than I thought it would. I woke up this morning with a new feeling of hope about everything. Its like the name has given me some of my identity back, if that makes sense. I feel like, by becoming what I was in the past, I can reclaim my future. My married name had become like a weight around my neck and I felt stifled by it. There was no future in the name so I saw no future in me.

I am reborn. Which is a stupid phrase and has rather weird imagery in my head, but is also the only way in which I can describe it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good (as someone once sang!). It was the right time to do this. I could have waited, but I needed that line drawn. And now that I am focussing on myself again, at last, I needed to be the real me. I can't imagine starting a new job, a new career as my married self. 

In my mind that is a different person, someone downtrodden and afraid of the world. No confidence, defeated. And I am emerging from that past self, shaking it off, learning and growing and changing.

My confidence went up a few notches overnight too. I feel, finally, like I am worth someone's time and attention. And a someone who is prepared to treat me the way I deserve. I still am unconvinced I'll ever meet that someone, but the ability to dream about it is enough for now.

The main thing now is remembering how to do my old signature! I've had to stop and think about it already! In fact there is a page in my notebook where I've practised it! Like I used to do when I was a kid and pretending I was signing an autograph! (gosh, lots of exclamation marks there, sorry)

I am starting anew.

New name.

New start.

New life.

New hope.

New is good.    

how can a year go so quickly?

I genuinely thought that after madam went to school full time I would get more chance to blog and maybe I would be able to make my blog something really interesting... But no. I seem to neglect it for days on end now.

 

This, I suppose is in part due to just how busy life seems to have become, what with starting to do actual job hunting type activities. But also I think because I am becoming more well in myself.

 

The whole reason I even began to blog was because of my depression and how it was affecting me. I felt like I was hiding from the world and needed somewhere that I could express myself and begin to feel more normal again. And I think it has really helped me. I have learned to be able to look at myself in a different way.

 

But do you know what has really helped? Twitter. Yes, that's right, the worlds favourite micro-blogging site (WTF *does* that mean? It's a chat room for crying out loud...). But over the last year I have met and befriended so many people who show me nothing but kindness and encouragement. Supporting all my endeavours and just generally being lovely. It's the community I always wanted to live in, full of like-minded souls.

 

Obviously, my lovely friends who I have known for years have all been a massive part of it too. But Twitter even comes into that too. We are now more capable of staying in touch than we ever have been before, and we can talk as a group which is *almost* as good as having them all there together.

 

 

It is just over a year since I first came out as being depressed. I had struggled alone for quite some time before then. I am amazed at the difference a year can make. At about this point last year I was sitting crying, almost uncontrollably, in a café. My lovely friend picked me and madam up and brought us to her house for tea. I still can't thank her enough for how much that meant to me.

But now, although my demons aren't all defeated, I'm so much happier. My feelings of being overwhelmed all the time have subsided. I am finding I have some of my confidence back. I have applied for a couple of jobs (sadly, not successfully) and I think I can fight my own corner a bit more.

My beautiful, crazy, cheeky little girl has just turned 5 and I feel like a new start is upon us. I have started making the proper moves to go back to my maiden name. I am determined to draw a line under the end of my relationship. I *finally* have lost those feelings for him that were making that so hard.

I will always care about him. But as the father of my child not a partner. I finally feel free of him. And having my real name, as it were, is going to be a part of that. I feel like, with this blog, I have spent a lot of time giving you progress reports. And having to really think about me, who I am, how things have changed has done me no end of good.

I think that now I am here this blog is starting to go in another different direction. It will always be a place for me to think things through, and for me to ask questions I feel I need to, but mostly it's becoming a crafting type blog! I have another finished project for you to see, but I'll just finish this bit first...

I am so thankful for all your support. Thank you for helping me realise that life is sometimes shit, but always worth it. Thank you for being there, I hope if you ever need me I can be there for you. Thank you to whoever it was who invented Twitter and for it giving me a space to meet people who are just like me, only different and wonderful all at the same time.

(This is a really big, aww, you guys *group hug* type of post!)

So, project! I have crocheted a new hat for myself (I may need to do one for a couple of other people too (that would be one each, not to share!)). The pattern came from Ravelry. If you're into knitting/crochet it is a great site to sign up to... So many patterns!

The pattern I used was one of the free ones that is available. It's called Polar Hat and is by Pippa Wilson. It comes from her blog and you can find it here if you're interested. It's a really quick make, I made it in an evening. It uses chunky weight yarn and an 8mm hook. Her version is a rather fabulous orange, but I chose a James C. Brett marble in shades of purple for mine.

And here it is:

wow, cheesy grin or what!

It has a very small brim that gives it that bit more interest than a beanie. I made mine very slightly bigger as I have a big head! I would imagine that her design would fit almost everyone else though...

Whaddya think?  



on sewing machines and dating sites

I mentioned yesterday that I've been given a new sewing machine. I am really excited about it and plan on giving it a very quick go to see how it works as soon as possible.

 

 

 

Now, my old machine was tiny so this one feels huge in comparison, but I quite like that. It's reassuring somehow. I shall spend this evening having a good peruse of the instructions and hopefully that'll be enough to get me started.

 

As I have discovered, the online sewing community is really friendly and helpful and my friend Tabatha Tweedie has already offered to give me some help if I need it. That link will take you to her write up of the Birmingham sewing meet up which sounded like it was a great fun day. I am very jealous of most of the fabric she brought home with her!

 

Madam has already put in an order for something for me to make for her. Project t-shirt did include me finding a pattern to turn a t-shirt into a dress by just adding on a gathered skirt. I quite like this idea as it was very simple (like my skills) and I have the perfect material to use for it.

 

The book I saw it in also gave good, clear precise instructions with lots of pictures. I debated doing it by hand, but after how long it took me to sew on a pocket, I went off the idea! So the navy t-shirt will have a purple butterfly print skirt added to it soon, I hope.

 

I would really like to start making madam some pretty dresses and me some simple tops (I'm a big tunic fan and I absolutely love the Matilda blouse by Tilly) But I am too big for her pattern :( I need to 1, learn how to make the pattern bigger and 2, make me a smaller so that might not be necessary!

 

I am feeling quite horrid about my general fatness at the moment and keep telling myself I know what to do about it. Yet I don't do it and then I feel bad and then I comfort eat (who invented that? I *hate* them!).

 

Yesterday, in a slightly rush of blood to the head moment, I signed myself up to Match.com! It was a bit of a laugh really, just wanted to feel like I was making an effort to pick myself up out of the doldrums. I realised it's been over a year since I officially separated from himself and although I am not entirely ready for the whole dating scene, I am tired of living like a nun.

 

A girl has needs, you know...

 

I just want to meet a nice chap and have a few dates and see where things might go. You know, someone actually nice. Not that just says what I want to hear... But then I hit on a stumbling block. It is really quite expensive to subscribe and you can do almost nothing if you don't.

 

 

 

Now, I knew I put one of my best photos on (because, hello, who puts the bad ones on). But it seems I am on to a winner. I just can't see the now 27 people who've looked at my profile since yesterday evening! It was 8 by the time I'd gone to bed... I have no idea whether any of them even float my boat.

 

So, are there any truly free dating sites out there?

   

an embarrassment and some thoughts on babies

 

 

I actually am not sure where this post will take me. I've been thinking about lots of things and it remains to be seen which will come to the front of my mind whilst I type!

 

I am hoping not to ramble too much though... I had a slightly embarrassing incident the other day and it keeps making me feel guilty, so quick confession whilst the mind focuses on something.

 

The other day I was downloading a free Neil Gaiman short story for my Kindle and it contains an extract from his new book. I clicked on the link just to read the blurb and then madam managed to click on the download option and sent it back to the home screen before I could cancel the order!

 

Now, it's really not that I don't think I'd enjoy the book, but I wasn't planning on spending £8.99 on a kindle book! So I put out a help message on twitter, cause there is always someone who knows knocking around... And bless him, but the lovely Neil Gaiman actually was the only one who responded to tell me what to do!

 

Sooo embarrassing! I feel awful about it. Though I am currently reading Neverwhere because I enjoyed the radio version so much. I also have two more of his books on my "to read" pile. But it feels like a bit of a slap in the face for him! *cringes*

 

You're all thinking I'm an idiot for being worked up about it, but I really respect the dude...

 

Sadly, my mind has now decided to go blank in regards to actual things that I might want to write about. Oh, except himself is messing with my mind again at the moment.

 

He is being thoroughly lovely to me and has put some money into my account so I can hire a car and travel down to Bristol to go and see him (and friend L who is having her twins on the 29th May!!!!). <-- Sorry, excessive use of the "!" there, but I'm so excited that I'll be there when she has them!

 

He's been being reasonable and thoughtful. He actually tried to make all the arrangements himself and then realised I'd need the card I paid with when I collected the car and that wouldn't be feasible... He's been being really helpful and has actually put money into my account so I can sort it out myself. *cries*

 

I am worried now that if I am actually in Bristol with him my defences will come down again. You have no idea how good it feels to have us all as a little family. But arrrgh... I don't want it any more :(

 

Or do I? Could I forgive him? Would all my friends and family just disown me for being a complete sucker if I did. He will *always* have that hold on me. And I still like him as a friend. He is still funny and sweet and can be so useful and helpful. And he really isn't that hard on the eyes...

 

No, must resist...

 

And I sure as hell DO NOT WANT to have another baby with him. (If I say it loudly I might believe it). Seriously, I don't. I can't be a single parent again. I have so much respect for anyone who does parenting on their own, it is ridiculously hard. Why I would choose to make it harder is beyond comprehension. I struggle enough with my one madam.

 

Anyone who knows madam, and I love her so freaking much, knows that two of her would be beyond most peoples capabilities! And I know if I were to have another baby whilst I'm still so financially unstable is just completely crazy. I completely believe that choosing to have another baby when I'm already relying on other people (like, the government) to support the one I have is selfish. 

 

I cannot support madam without tax credits and income support. And my parents. How could I justify another that I won't be able to afford? And himself is unlikely to suddenly wake up and become an actual, helpful, live-in dad.

 

Though madam's heart would break with joy if he did come back (if I let him). She will never not be a daddy's girl. I can tell.

 

 

 

She and I actually have whole discussions about why daddy isn't allowed to live with us. And then yesterday when I was telling her that we were going to see daddy at half term she asked if we would be staying there forever. I obviously had to tell her no. And asked her what would happen to all her stuff if she did that. She said she didn't want stuff, just a family.

 

Heart. Small pieces.

 

How is she so perceptive sometimes? She is driving me crazy asking me to have a baby brother or sister for her... I have told her that just can't happen unless we live with the daddy of this famous sibling she wants. Hence why she wants to live with her daddy, I guess.

 

At least I have persuaded her she can't have a big brother or sister at last... (maybe). 



on relationships and a dream man

 

 

 

I had a really good chat with one of my college friends last night and we both discussed how we seem to have picked similar men to each other. Charming and funny, caring and kind and then turning into something completely different over time.

 

We were saying it was strange that we should be sad over the ending of bad relationships as it doesn't seem to make sense. I was impressed by how determined my friend was to toughen up and get over what had happened and move on. Onwards and upwards, as they say!

 

I, however, still haven't got on with sorting out my divorce. It's quite far down my list of priorities at the moment. I still feel it's fairly important for me to get my house and finances sorted first. And to be fair, the longer we're separated the easier it is for me to claim full custody on grounds of abandonment as well as because of the violence in the relationship.

 

Not that he seems to be considering this idea at all yet. He still seems to think I'm about to forget what happened, forgive him and have more babies with him. Apparently, he thinks pigs fly as well, so that might explain it! As a friend of mine says, he might have got away with leaving me as a single parent once, but letting him do it twice would be my own stupid fault!

 

I have to confess that the idea of having any more children with the same father as the child I already have is more appealing than having multiple fathers. But I don't want to have to have him in my life any more than is necessary! And plus, do I really want to give another child a pathetic excuse for a dad instead of having one who's actually going to be there for their child. That'd be a no...

 

I can't say I'm actually looking for another boyfriend at the mo, again, I have other priorities. But it would be nice. It might even spur me on to sort out the divorce thing!

 

It would be nice to have a person I could share things with again. To have someone to be there for me and help me make decisions. Someone to make me smile and to support me when I'm low. And it would be nice if they actually appreciated my intelligence and saw it as an asset, not something to be jealous of.

 

And if they were quite nice to look at, that would be a bonus! ;)

 

A weekend of activities

 

 

 

I'm listening to the rather splendid writing soundtrack put together by YellowLittleDragon at the moment. Very soothing... I had a bit of an epic weekend. Need some chilled space in my head.

 

Firstly, the husband had in fact come up to visit. He came on Saturday afternoon and we took madam to Honeysuckle Farm out at Hornsea. And then, because he does actually have seemed to work out that what madam most needs from him is shoes and clothes, we went to the Freeport. Madam needed new shoes as her feet had grown again, so she's got some black patent school shoes and some sandals for if the weather stays nice.

 

Then we dropped round to see older brother (so kind of us!) and had a cuppa whilst madam played on his x-box. We then went to find some dinner and himself took madam for a new summer wardrobe at Asda. She has insisted on dresses (she's so girly in summer) and has now got about 5 different ones and a couple of tops, a tutu skirt and a little shrug.

 

But at least she won't need anything else now. Just hope the weather is nice for a few weeks at least!

 

Yesterday (Sunday) we went to church en famille although madam insisted on me coming to Sunday school with her so we left him by himself for the majority of the service. We then headed into Hull and went to the cinema. We watched The Croods which was really good and very funny. Well, that's what madam and I thought anyway...

 

We then decided on a trip out to Scarborough as the weather was so nice. Luckily madam slept most of the way there and woke up just as we arrived. We visited a couple of K's friends and then popped round to madam's godmother's. We got there just as they were having their tea so only had a quick hello and then we went to have ours. 

 

Forced ourselves to have fish and chips and then we got an ice cream from The Harbour Bar because it's aces. Madam then discovered the joys of the 2p machines and played until she'd won not one but two silly plastic owls. We totally missed the chance to go back and see her godmother as we were so late by that point.

 

She also managed to get a hoody made with her name on it. In rainbow foil letters. With sparkles. *sighs*

 

It's ma-hoo-sive on her (bit like the one she got years ago from Meadowhall when we went with her auntie H) but I'm not worried as she sure isn't getting any shorter. And it means she'll get the wear out of it. It's a fab purple colour, I heartily approve.

 

In fact I think we've avoided pink quite well this weekend. Good going for us, given how she still insists it's her favourite colour. So here she is, modelling it whilst she poses with that gorgeous sunset behind her. I had to make him stop so I could take pictures of it. It was just so glorious, it makes me miss Scarborough so much and so glad I'm from Yorkshire!

 

 

   

quandries of life

I don't like hate, it's such a life-sapping emotion. It takes time and energy and makes you focus on something you don't even like... I do get angry though, and I'm furious with the husband.

 

Poor madam is STILL upset about his flying visit last week. She had to be forced to school again today and I feel so frustrated. I know she loves school, all her friends and her teacher but at the moment all she wants is to be with me. She is seeing monsters in the dark again and we'd got past that. She hasn't spent a whole night in her bed since he visited. And although she always comes into my bed in the morning it's usually 7am not midnight.

 

She seemed to have been under the idea that as daddy had been in the house then he'd be staying. All children want their parents together, I understand that, but it's just not going to happen. And she's obviously been thinking about why daddy isn't with mummy any more as she's gone back to telling all and sundry that daddy punched mummy. I had hoped we wouldn't have to go through that again.

 

I'm struggling to know what to do for best for her, I'm convinced that keeping to her routine as much as possible is the best thing for her. The more she sees that her world is still the same the better it is for all of us. I've been letting her do the things that she seems to need to help keep her safe, she took Pat-a-cake her cat to school with her today. But I'm going to have to let the real world back in soon. She can't learn to wallow, it'll not be good for her in the long run. I need to help her learn that it's ok to be upset but that we have to get on with things at the same time. It feels too young to teach her that, but I guess she was always going to learn it eventually.

 

And now I've started thinking about what would happen if I weren't here for her any more. Because, obviously, I intend to always be there and always be her mummy, but what if something were to happen to me? I've said many times that I really need to get a will sorted out but I haven't as yet. So where would madam go if I weren't here, because I know who her other parent is... I don't even know if I get to make that choice. My real desire would be that she could go and live with lovely V as I know that she'd carry on where I've left off (though maybe with a bit more focus on tidying ;)). However, I think that would take her too far from all her family and the life that she knows so then my next choice would be my older brother, but he's about to move a long way away as well. (sad face)

 

I wouldn't want to leave her to my parents as I'd rather she was with people more my age. I think she would probably end up with her Scarborough based godmother, she has experience with kids but won't be having any of her own. Madam loves her to tiny bits and gets on well with the two children that her husband has. And Scarborough isn't so far away that they couldn't make sure she stayed in pretty regular touch with her nanna and grandpa.

 

It would be nice if I didn't have to think about these things at all, and as I said I'm not sure whether I actually get much say in the whole thing. But I don't want her to end up with her dad as he's proved himself incapable time and again. I'd be worried he'd take her back to Nigeria to palm her off on one of his sisters to look after and then my parents would never see her again.

 

I really could do with consulting a lawyer about it all. I need to see one to get my divorce in the pipeline too...

 

Ugh, too much heavy stuff today. My brain is just working triple time. I'll be ok, really. And I know that madam will too :) 

adventures in family

I've just had a rather stressful couple of days... Sunday was going pretty well, all chilled and relaxing. And then the husband phoned and announced he was in Newcastle and would "swing by" on his way back to Bristol. Now, I don't live anywhere near either of these two places so swinging by isn't usually something someone would do. Moreover, I worked out if he was coming then he'd be arriving just before madam's bed time. Great.

 

And sure enough, whilst I had madam in the bath, he arrived at my parents. Excellent. So he gave us a lift home and I made an attempt at getting madam in her bed as usual. No way. Not only was daddy here, but he'd brought food and coke. Coke! *despairs* I'm not sure whether she actually drank very much of it, but the bouncing off the walls that ensued implied she'd had some. She would not settle. She wanted to be with her daddy. Now this is totally understandable, but when you know you're going to have to get her up for school in the morning, it's not very welcome.

 

And she freaked when K had to go to the car for something he'd forgotten. She was convinced he was leaving. She had to come and sit with me to calm her down. Poor thing. In the end, the only way to get her to go to bed was by getting everyone to go to bed so she knew we'd all be there in the morning. She slept in with me and he was in her bed. 

 

Then I ended up spending most of the day with him yesterday. He walked madam to school with me, although he's not allowed inside. And she told him exactly why "you're not allowed in my school daddy, because you punched mummy." Out of the mouths of babes...

But he threatened to leave whilst she was there because it would be easier. For who? For him. I told him he couldn't do that to her and he was there when I picked her up. Her face when she saw him was wonderful and made my having to tolerate him so worthwhile. 

 

But then, he really did have to go. And she cried. She's never cried when he left before. Because she isn't used to him being there, really. But yesterday she was tired and she probably felt she hadn't had a decent amount of time with him. And she cried. She made him cry (which was quite satisfying (sorry, but it was)) and she didn't stop. My heart was breaking for her. She doesn't understand and because daddy had actually come to her house she seemed to have decided that meant he was moving back in with us. It's never going to happen, but what child doesn't want  their parents together. I had to pick her up and hold her like I used to do when she was tiny. And she clung to me as she hasn't done in a good long while.

 

It was just horrible.

 

And then he was gone. And I got left with a distraught child and all the responsibility. 

I coddled her, and she got to choose her favourite tea. Then we went to see my mum and dad as it's dad's birthday today and we wanted to drop off his presents. And she finally seemed to relax again, like things were how they should be. And here were the people who are always here for her, who always love her. And don't offer to buy her things when she's crying and inconsolable, because who needs things when what you want is for your daddy to just not leave. Again.

 

After we got home and I managed to get her in bed, she was being clingy, I sat in the living room and tried not to dwell. But the house was full of him somehow and seemed to make my skin prickly. I was shattered too, so I went to bed and tried to find some peace. It obviously worked as I didn't even wake up when my nightly interloper crept in.

 

She has gone to school today dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. I didn't have the heart to stop her. And after school we're going to go and spend the £10 pocket money he left her. She wants a Barbie.

 

And a dinosaur! 

 

Gotta love that kid :)   

when angry, rant

I had a bit of an epic chat with my mum about my divorce yesterday. We were standing in the sunshine at the park watching my little girl zoom up and down the zip wire. It seems a strange place to talk about something so sad when there were children laughing and happy (looking) families all around.

 

But it's the next step to help me move forwards. Sort out the debts, sort out the hoarding and get rid of the marriage that's holding me down. I'm looking forward to a future where all my decisions are only for me (and madam, obvs). I know that technically the divorce will be fairly straight-forward.

 

Husband and I don't own anything together, we don't have joint finances though we may have some joint debts. We never owned a home and we (I) sold both the cars when we moved back to my home town.

 

He pays me no maintenance and I genuinely don't think that, even if a judge ordered him to, he actually would. And I don't even want it. If he's paying for me then we're still connected and I want as clean a break as I can manage. I want my daughter to be looked after, of course I do, but he never has, so why start now.

 

The only thing I can take away from the 10 years that I gave him is my daughter. And if he tries to take her from me, he's going to have one hell of a fight on his hands.

How can he tell me he'd provide for her when he doesn't now? How will he put her needs before his own when he hasn't so far? Where does he think that they'd live? Madam has always been here (that she remembers), always had her nana, grandpa and uncles and aunts around her. She has a massive family that love her lots and support me amazingly.

And he shares a house with men I don't know. Not exactly a good environment for her. If he doesn't see her it's his fault for having moved a 5hr trip away from us.

 

He has done nothing but get in his own way. I'm not for one moment professing to be perfect,far from it, but I am trying.

I spent all those months getting up in the night (cause even before he was in the US he never did) and it was me that had to teethe her, wean her, deal with her tantrums and destructive streak.

 

She overwhelms me at times, but I will never give up as that was the choice I made when I saw those two blue lines on the pregnancy test. A child is for life, my child is my life. And he doesn't care enough to even phone her once a week.

 

She's too intelligent to let him mess her around. She worked him out the moment she saw him punch me. She's worked that angle to get everything she wants from him. And some days, when we're both particularly shouty and annoying to each other, she says she's going to live with him.

 

The solution to this? Point out that if she lives with daddy, mummy won't be there. She can't imagine that.

 

I'm sorry,this wasn't ment to be a rant. I'm just trying to process my feelings. And I guess I'm not quite in a rational place yet.

No-one should cross me if they know what's good for them. In the words of Bruce Banner, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

 

 

She stole my heart away, and look how she knows it! (she's less than 24hrs old here)