A New Year's Eve Summary

It's New Year's Eve today. I am deciding whether to attempt drunkeness on my own or whether it is just quite pathetic to sit alone with a bottle of red wine, a Harry Potter marathon and possibly my five year old...

I will definitely manage the Harry Potter marathon and I'm guessing the five year old will insist on staying up as long as she can... I do have a bottle of red that has been hanging around at home for ages and ages and now seems as good a time as any to drink it.

I have had an interesting year full of highs and lows as ever. I think I can safely say that some of the littlest things have made me most happy. Spending time with good friends, improving my crochet techniques, teaching myself new things, trying new recipes. I think my post from the other day  is probably the best illustration of where I am now.

Although, to be fair, I try new recipes all the time! It doesn't always work as well as I hope it will. Last night's strangely bland potatoes being a case in point. How can potatoes cooked in buttered stock and thyme not have flavour? Well, I achieved it. The experimental barbecue chicken worked a treat though... 

Worst moments? Probably during my college course earlier in the year, it stirred up so many strong emotions in me. I spent a lot of time thinking about myself which, athough in the long term was helpful, was hard to get through. I think this post probably sums up some of that darkness that still haunts me.

Although, those feelings are retreating more and more and I go longer between the utter blackness that surrounded me more times than I care to think about this time last year. I hope that there will be more improvements at this point next year. 

Maybe I'll even have found a job and a new boyfriend! Stranger things have happened after all...

  

I officially have the skills

Yesterday was quite good, really. Given that it was a Monday, anyway!

 

I took madam to school in the morning as usual. She did wake up and tell me school is boring which is the first time I've ever heard that from her! Didn't stop her scooting to school like a mad thing though.

 

After dropping her off I headed for my mum and dad's to go grocery shopping (the glamour). We headed to Morrison's and I tried to remember all the things that were on the list I had carefully left at home. I bought madam and I a chocolate apple as this is my new favourite thing to get as a treat for her on a Monday after school.

 

We did start off with toffee apples, but apparently madam doesn't like those :(

 

After shopping we headed for college where I picked up my certificate from the counselling skills course I finished in May. I had been beginning to worry about whether I was ever getting it as it had been so long with no word!

 

When I picked it up I also asked about my portfolio as I hadn't been contacted to collect it and had also been expecting that back. The lady behind the desk said she'd look into it for me and I did get a phonecall letting me know it was in my tutors office and I could collect it whenever.

 

 

 

Obviously, I haven't got it yet as getting up to the college is a bit of a trek and I only went yesterday as I got a lift! So lazy. I shall probably head up tomorrow morning as I get more stuff done when I just get on with them straight after I've dropped madam off!

 

I went home and had lunch, went to the gym and picked madam up. She did her now usual trick of being a monumental pain in the bottom and got sent up to her room to cool off for a few minutes. This cooling off period after school seems to be quite important! She is really tired and cranky at 3.30 having five minutes to herself seems to really help her. But she wouldn't just go up there if I asked her to.

 

For dinner we voted for fish and I decided to do a crumble. I have to say, I think I outdid myself this time! It was so good. I made chocolate, cherry and almond for a bit of a change. I had a tin of cherry pie filling that had been sitting in the cupboard for a while.

 

So, as I was asked for a recipe last night, here is how I made it.

 

First, pour tin of filling into pie dish.

Weigh out 3oz of self raising flour and 1oz of cocoa powder. Add in 2oz of cubed softened butter and rub the ingredients together until it looks like breadcrumbs. Then add 2oz of sugar (this is more than I would normally put in, but I didn't want the cocoa to be bitter). And I chucked in a handful of flaked almonds as I found some in the cupboard! Mixed it up a bit and put it over the top of the fruit.

 

I put it in my oven at about 200 degrees C for 20 minutes, the smell in my kitchen was amazing! And it tasted pretty darn good, too ;) 

 

 

 

  

late nights are the enemy

Sometimes, when it gets to stupid o' clock and most people have gone to bed, I start thinking about all the deep things that I really shouldn't. I start wondering about how I have got to this point in life without a clear plan or goal for myself. How I am still so afraid to go out and live my life and stop hiding from it.

 

Because realistically, most people have an idea by now. Even if they're not doing their dream job (for whatever reason) they 1, know what their dream job actually is and 2, are resigned to being in an ok job that pays the bills. I know I am making massively sweeping generalisations here, but its my blog and my thoughts, so nerr! 

 

And that's part of it. I am so convinced that everyone else must have it together by now. I am so envious of my friends that seem to be in jobs that, although they aren't perfect, are what they want. Or the friends who have taken that plunge and started their own business (have you met Gekoglass, their work is amazing  ). You can follow them on Twitter too.

 

But I am here on the side lines feeling marginalized and alone. I know that I am feeling this way mostly because I have not been in work for so long and I now question my abilities to do anything. But also society has this habit of constantly complaining about the unemployed. Making me feel that I am worthless and living this fantastic life that other people have to pay for.  

Its that same feeling that I always have when they start talking about the dumbing down of exams just before the results come out. I remember them doing it before I got my results too. And it makes you feel that all that hard work and effort isn't valued. It doesn't matter that you did the best you could, because everyone is under the impression it was all so easy.

I remember thinking how hard GCSEs were when I did them. And being so surprised by how much harder A Levels were, even though they had warned us about it, a lot. And I'm sure the teenagers I know who did their GCSEs this summer thought they were really difficult and they will have had it drummed into them just how important these exams are. 

I hate that we expect our young people to have their lives planned out from the age of 14 when they make those all important GCSE choices. Nowhere are they told that it's never to late to learn something new. That just because you are utterly convinced you are going to work as a translator in the European Union that that is what you will do. 

That by the time you've left school at 18 you'll already have realised that isn't the job for you and gone on to something else. But now you've not got the right GCSEs and A Levels. But no-one tells you it's ok to drop out and think about it for a bit. There's this constant pushing to get everyone into university and to have a degree. And I don't believe everyone needs one. I don't think academia suits everyone and in some cases it puts them off altogether.

I was so convinced at 14 that I would be a translator and no-one told me that I might change my mind. I was convinced at 18 I would be a travel agent (bit of a blip there, no idea why I was so sure of that one). And then when I was doing my degree I realised that I love museums and how they work. And what I wanted to do was go into museum management. 

But then the real world came along and informed me just how ridiculous I was to have that idea now. I couldn't get on to an MA course with my degree and if I wanted to work through the ranks instead I would need to volunteer. But all the best museums have 2/3 year waiting lists just to volunteer. And then when you do volunteer, how do you live? 

So I took a job that was supposed to be temporary, to reassess what I wanted to do. And that was in 2000 and I still don't know. I have no idea what my path really is. I really enjoyed the counselling course I did, I think I could actually be quite good at it. But I have hit the price wall. 

This year they have introduced a 2 tier system. If you are under 24 the courses are subsidised. And for if you're over, well, it's a lottery. In the case of my qualification, you're not. The price to do the Level 3 course is now £545 for 24 and under and £2545 for over 25s.

I can get a loan if I want.

Except I don't want. I still have my student loans from Uni waiting for me to pay them off. This is why they are then surprised when I am at the Jobcentre. They won't fund me for any further study because I have a degree. And so I'm left to fend for myself and I don't know what to do! The advisors are given that title for no good reason. I have never met one yet who can help me.

I tell them my qualifications and then I say, but I don't know what I want to do. I only know I don't want to go back into hospitality/catering if possible. But that's where all my on-the-job experience actually lies. And they're as stumped as me. Without me to tell them what I'm looking for, they're lost. 

They accept that I want to change my career, but on the flip side they are there to get me in work. And I can do hospitality/catering but I don't want to. So I'm sure they think that, come October when I go on to being an actual Job Seeker, I'll be a nightmare.

And I am looking for work, in schools mainly as that's where I feel I might be happy. But I haven't the right experience for that. It's all so goddam frustrating. I had hoped that we'd have gotten out of the experience trap once we'd left youth, but no... 

It's 1.30am, I should shut up and go to bed. None of this will make sense to me in the morning!    

the end of an era (sort of)

This has nothing to do with the blog. I just think it looks pretty!

 

 

I am at a bit of loss now. I have finally handed in the last of my college work and now that's it. It's over. I went in today as the external moderator was coming in to, well, moderate and they'd asked if some of us could come in and have a chat with her.

 

I was the only one from our level 2 group who made it in (which is laughable given how much extra help I've had) and there were 3 from the level 3 group. The moderator was nearly an hour late getting there as she'd been caught up in road works (good job I had nowhere else to be) but it did mean that I got an hour to chat to the other guys.

 

It was really nice to be able to have a laugh with them and they seemed like they would have been good to work with. They still have a couple of weeks left and it was nice to know that two of them were just as disorganised as me. I do feel sorry for the tutor, all these hopeless students to deal with.

 

I do miss our little group and how well we'd all bonded by the end of the course. As part of our ending project we'd all given each other some feedback and some of the positive comments were so nice to hear. It seems strange not to see them every week now.

 

Whilst talking to the level 3s I asked them how many were going on to do the next level and it turned out the majority of them were. They all tried to persuade me to do the level 3 in September, but I explained that it's just not on the cards for me at the moment.

 

I have really enjoyed all that we've learned about and I am really keen to learn more and study the area further. But given the amount of extra support I ended up needing I don't think I'm ready for that yet. And as I said to the tutor it would probably involve weekly tutorials to get me through it. Neither of us fancy that!

 

I have a feeling giving myself some time away and maybe finding myself a job to help me build some of my confidence up again would be the most helpful path. Also, I don't have a spare £450 to spend at this point!

 

But the question is what do I do to keep my brain ticking over now? Do I look at doing some form of e-learning course? And if I do, what do I do it on/in? It would be really good to do some sort of film studies course as I've always been interested in films and I do spend half my life watching them!

 

Maybe I could do it myself, watch a film and share it with the group as it were. An online film club of sorts. I could write a blog post on it and we could have discussion through the comments. This does rely on people interacting with the blog though. And not everyone likes doing that.

 

I have a few blogger friends who post book reviews and they get requests and all sorts. I could do that too, but I think I would be in a rather saturated market. And again an online book club would be hard to sustain through the blog.

 

Maybe I could just post about psychological theories as I read more around and about them. But I may lose my lovely readers whilst I indulge myself in that way. I do already spend a lot of time crafting so maybe I should focus on something to do with that.

 

Maybe I should try learning a new craft. Or perhaps I should go back to sketching. I really did used to enjoy whiling away the hours drawing endless pictures. But I tend to doodle now and I may have become rubbish. Practice makes perfect though and I guess I need to try it and find out.

 

Oh, whilst I was at college I added some more blog posts to my portfolio and one of them was the one about how college goes with depression. I asked the tutor to read it as it has my description of how depression feels to me. And she did that thing she is so remarkably good at. She asked me a question that made me think.

 

Her question was: if you're at the top of a tree, what is it that you can see?

 

Now I feel like I am in darkness a lot of the time, but there must have been a reason I climbed up in the first place. What was I looking for that I climbed so high?

 

I shall have to have a really good think on it and get back to you!  

on the blocks to studying

 

 

I think that picture completely sums up my studying... I have completely lost all my abilities to do it later on in the evening like I always used to, but on the flip side, I can't settle to it in the day either! Argh.

 

I've been working on the last few bits I need to do to complete my portfolio, but it just doesn't seem to be getting any nearer to being finished off. It's starting to really frustrate me!

 

I was hoping that I'd get the afternoon at college again, like last week, but that has completely not come off as my parents are gardening and need to get it done before the plants my dad has been baking in the conservatory for the last couple of weeks finally give up and die!

 

They also bought a new rose called "Hot Chocolate" yesterday which they have put in the gap the postman (and any other door to door people, of which there are many) uses to go from next door to here. It is very prickly, they're hoping the nice people will stop cutting across the garden and go round...

 

Madam is helping grandpa plant out some bluebells and crocuses atm... I think it's probably a bit late to be planting either, but I feel it's best I don't comment... Speaking of bluebells, I'm hoping to get up to Burton Bushes and show madam the bluebells there. There's usually a really good show at this time of year.

 

Anyway, back to my troubles with studying. I find that having depression means that my thoughts actually swish around in my head similar to an imperfectly set jelly. It won't hold it's shape if you take it out the mould, and we all know about trying to nail jelly to a wall.

 

So, I know all the information is in there. I can recall it when asked a specific question, but if I have to hunt through the contents of my mind to find something and then make it connect to something else it becomes a much more difficult task.

 

And also, because all my emotions are constantly heightened and I'm feeling everything at once some days then I'm shattered from all that effort of making my outside appear normal. The superb Hyperbole and a Half has written an amazing post about processing feelings whilst depressed I'm not sure my depression has ever been as deep as the authors obviously is/was, but the idea of making the effort to appear normal on the outside I identify with strongly.

 

Being shattered plus having no way of pinning down the jelly in my brain is really frustrating me. I have done some college work this week, but I always feel like I'm playing catch up somehow. I am incredibly glad that these blogs count towards my portfolio...

 

The strange thing was that last week at college the rest of the group were made aware of the blog I write and there were a couple who were interested in starting their own. I did say I'm not an expert in it, but that there were plenty of sites that guide you through it all. It'll be interesting to find put how many of them actually do go through with it.

 

Especially as we're having to say goodbye to each other and I know that I will miss everyone in the group. We've become more than just a teaching group. This is probably to do with the very personal nature of some of the things we talk about. The shared experiences we've been through.

 

And I'm so pleased we've made it. I think it seems so long since we started out on this quest. I know how terrified I was of walking in that room for the first time. The fear of the unknown, of how I might be judged. I had no confidence, just the knowledge that I wanted to do this for me and to give myself an experience to be proud of.

 

I was hopeful that it would prepare me for a job within the field and that it would be an extension of other skills that I hold. It was so much different to how I thought it would be, but I put that down to my personal demons than the course. The inner struggle I have constantly to battle with was actually unacknowledged at the start. And after I did seek help things got much easier for me.

 

The tutor has been so good with all of us. I am so appreciative of the extra time she has given me and spent on bolstering my fragile self esteem. I have felt nurtured and cared for which I can't say I've ever experienced from a tutor before. I wish I'd been able to share the things that were causing blocks to me sooner. I might have been able to put less stress on myself.

 

I didn't intend (again) for this post to be so rambling, I do apologise for the lack of focus! Here is a picture of some big cats in boxes to make up for it!

 

 



college is nearly over

I spent the large part of my day at college yesterday, I was lucky enough to have the chance to just concentrate on my portfolio for an afternoon. I think that, other than some cross referencing that I need to get finished and a couple of short summaries I need to add, I'm ready to hand it in next week!

 

Part of the course is to do practise sessions to use the skills that we're learning. I had to do my final skills practise in front of my tutor yesterday and despite being nervous about having to be observed by the tutor I think I managed it quite well.

 

I was speaking with another member of the group and had to act as her client first as she was being assessed too. I find I can talk to this person really easily and we have a few shared experiences that we've spoken about before.

 

I find when I'm talking I can talk much more freely with her than with other members of the group. And it's not because of any thing that they do or don't do, it's more this understanding and empathy that she manages to give me. It's mainly because she was the first person I really spoke to about my depression, I think.

 

I then had to play the counsellor role and although I was still very aware of the tutor being there I did find myself mainly becoming absorbed in what J was saying and I was very sorry that I had to bring our session to a close as we'd run out of time. I was mainly happy with how I had performed in the session, but was aware of things that I would have liked to have done better.

 

There were moments when I was listening when J was quite emotional and I found it very difficult not to let the friend part of our relationship encroach. To some extent I find it difficult to be objective when it's someone you have a personal relationship with. It's never nice having to sit and see someone being upset, but particularly hard when it's a friend.

 

I am really glad I've managed to get to the end of the course as there have been moments where I just didn't think I would make it. I've managed to get over my desire to run away and I am really glad that I am going to be there to see it through.

 

Based on the first week were I went in terrified of what I had got myself in to, but determined to better myself. I have come a long, long way. I have admitted to my depression and am on my way to recovery. I have made some really good friends who I hope to stay in touch with going forward.

 

I have learnt some really interesting things and I have discovered a desire to learn more about them. Including an interest in psychology and how the personality is formed. I wish that I could go on to do the next level in September, but I can't afford it and have no way of raising £500ish before then.

 

So I think I'll just go with trying to find a job where I can put the skills I've learnt into practise. My ideal would be to work within a secondary school, I'm interested in giving teenagers someone they can talk to. I don't think there is enough support for them. Or at least, that they don't access the help that exists as they don't know about it. So that's my plan. Just hope I can find someone who will employ me...

 

Cause I hear that jobs are just so easy to come by at the moment. Still. 

  

how does college mix with depression?

I had a good tutorial yesterday at college and managed to get my head organised somewhat. Though I still have a few things to do, I can envision getting to the end of it. The best thing was being told that I could include my blog posts as evidence in the journal writing section.

 

This is great news as I think I write more stuff in this format than I ever did when I was writing the journals. I find it easier to write like this. I guess because there is no pressure to fulfil any kind of brief or to keep myself on topic.

 

As I was walking up to college yesterday I was giving myself a talking to (I do this a lot) and was thinking about the post I wrote about my thoughts on how I see depression and I was reviewing how I'd described it. And I realised that I don't really fit the traditional view in quite a few ways.

 

I've always heard depression described as being at the bottom of a black hole trying to see the light again. Of the perception of depression as a black dog. As I mentioned I see it more as the Nothing from the Neverending Story than as a dog.

 

But then I thought about the whole being in a pit of despair thing, and it's not how I see it. I feel more like I'm on top of an incredibly high mountain, in the dark and I need to get down and I can't. I've been terrified of heights (well, falling) for as long as I can remember and yet I've never been afraid to climb.

 

So I feel like I've done what I used to do as a child climbed too high up a tree and now I'm stuck. I can't come down as I'm afraid to fall but I can't stay where I am either as it's not safe for me. I'm also enveloped by this all consuming darkness so I can't even see if there's a safe path for me to use.

 

When I was younger and stuck up a tree whilst playing out with my brothers then my older bro would climb to where I was and show me where to put my feet and guide me down step by step.

 

I feel like I still need that intensive support to be able to find my way from where I am to where I want to be.

 

My poor tutor yesterday had to sit over me and make me fill in the worksheets that I had missed. I wish I'd been able to ask for her help earlier in the process as being able to explain myself was helpful and helped lift the blocks I've been putting in my own way. I have one that I need to decide what to do with still.

 

It's about Guilt. And I can fill it in or not. Or I can write on it about why I can't fill it in at this time. And I don't know what to do. Filling it in is not really an option as I'm afraid it would open a floodgate that I might not be able to get closed again. So I could just remove it from my portfolio, but I fell I would be cheating to do that. So I guess I'm left with having to write why I can't fill it in.

 

And I guess I have to remember that this portfolio is really for me. Not anyone else. It's my handbook, my evidence that I do know what I'm talking about (mostly).

 

So I guess I better go and do that...

weird days and photos

Weirdly slow day today. Seemed to take me forever to get started and now I'm all fired up with nowhere to go! I have bought a new book to help with my college work (really clever as I only have about 2 weeks left!). But it's really interesting and I hope that if I get the chance to continue my studies then I'll be able to use it again for that.

Dead dudes tend not to change their theories very often after all! Much better than the management books I still had from Uni that I only got rid of when we moved to this house. That's right, up-to-date management theory circa 1996!

Given that there were newer prints of the books before I'd even finished the course, I doubt anyone would have found them very helpful. I took them to the charity shop anyway...

So, I have spent this afternoon reading up on various psychological theories. Some of which I'm actually studying at the moment (like Freud and Rogers) and some that just lead on from them. Fascinating. Its a shame you can't get a qualification just from reading the books!

Madam and I had a nice chilled out day yesterday and made the most of having the sun. We went for a bike ride in the afternoon and I took some nice photos of madam outside the library in their gardens.

There was a carpet of daisies and dandelions so madam was quite enjoying looking at the flowers and posing like a trooper. She was wearing her new vest top that we'd got when we'd exchanged the dress V had brought.

Such a shame. The dress was a great length, lovely colour. Really sweet, but it was just too tight across the back. Madam is quite broad in the back and the dress buttoned up in just the wrong place. So we swapped it for a more rather cute jersey number and the vest top.

Madam was disappointed not to have the original dress, but she cheered up when she saw she'd got two things in exchange! Easily pleased...

I've downloaded a new app to my phone which is basically a simplified version of photoshop. I've been having a good time playing with the photos I took yesterday and thought I'd share a couple with you.

 

oh.

 

Slight technical hitch. Apparently I can't upload them on to the blog for some reason...

 

Ok, have this link to the collage I made instead!

 

Right, laptop has almost no battery left. Best shut up!

 

on relationships and a dream man

 

 

 

I had a really good chat with one of my college friends last night and we both discussed how we seem to have picked similar men to each other. Charming and funny, caring and kind and then turning into something completely different over time.

 

We were saying it was strange that we should be sad over the ending of bad relationships as it doesn't seem to make sense. I was impressed by how determined my friend was to toughen up and get over what had happened and move on. Onwards and upwards, as they say!

 

I, however, still haven't got on with sorting out my divorce. It's quite far down my list of priorities at the moment. I still feel it's fairly important for me to get my house and finances sorted first. And to be fair, the longer we're separated the easier it is for me to claim full custody on grounds of abandonment as well as because of the violence in the relationship.

 

Not that he seems to be considering this idea at all yet. He still seems to think I'm about to forget what happened, forgive him and have more babies with him. Apparently, he thinks pigs fly as well, so that might explain it! As a friend of mine says, he might have got away with leaving me as a single parent once, but letting him do it twice would be my own stupid fault!

 

I have to confess that the idea of having any more children with the same father as the child I already have is more appealing than having multiple fathers. But I don't want to have to have him in my life any more than is necessary! And plus, do I really want to give another child a pathetic excuse for a dad instead of having one who's actually going to be there for their child. That'd be a no...

 

I can't say I'm actually looking for another boyfriend at the mo, again, I have other priorities. But it would be nice. It might even spur me on to sort out the divorce thing!

 

It would be nice to have a person I could share things with again. To have someone to be there for me and help me make decisions. Someone to make me smile and to support me when I'm low. And it would be nice if they actually appreciated my intelligence and saw it as an asset, not something to be jealous of.

 

And if they were quite nice to look at, that would be a bonus! ;)

 

how perfectionism leads to procrastination

Yesterday on twitter I saw this picture shared and I loved it so much that I really wanted to share it with you

I don't know where it actually came from, but it makes me feel better :)

 

I don't really have time to write a proper post today, there are far too many things I've got going on. Thursday is a bit of a rush for us. I tend to have a lazy morning with madam and then we have to get ready for her to go to gymnastics at 4 and me to be at college by 6. I just have to drive us from my parents house down to gymnastics then back across town at rush hour.

 

Then I have to go across to the other side of town to get to college (still in rush hour traffic). Now this town is not big. If it was a normal trip each of those journeys would probably take no more than 10 minutes tops. In rush hour they both take a good 20 minutes if not more. This isn't that long, I know. But I only have an hour to do this.

 

And madam's gymnastics quite often overruns. I have to (almost literally) throw her out at my parents and get straight off again so that I can get to college in time to at least get myself a coffee before class.

 

And I'm still behind on my work so I have that to deal with every time I go. I hate knowing that I'm behind. This course is important to me and my hideous procrastination seems to be trying to make me fail.

 

According to FlyLady procrastination comes from perfectionism. Which sounds counter intuitive, but I can understand it. Because you want to do something properly (perfectly) and you don't think you can you put off doing it until you think you can achieve that perfection. And as anyone who knows anything will be able to tell you, the perfect time never comes.

 

So I've decided that I can't keep on making things worse for myself. I'm going to the library tonight and finishing off the work that I have to get done. Then I can have that off my head for the Easter break. I use that time (I really will) to catch up on the worksheets (there aren't many) and my reflections journals.

 

I can't decide whether to print off all my blogs and add them to the personal study part of my portfolio as they are evidence of personal growth and evolution of self. But maybe that's not necessary... I dunno.

 

So my question is, do you think they're worth including or not? 

deep in the forest...

Suddenly it's Wednesday again... where do my weeks  go? I'm at college again tomorrow and I haven't organised what I need, again... I could swing for myself, I really could.

 

Anyway, the counsellor and I spent the majority of our session discussing learning to deal with feelings and how the whole thing with my daughter being upset with her dad is a good learning experience for her. I still haven't got as much enthusiasm for it as my counsellor did, but I can see her point. Learning to recognise and accept feelings, whether they are ones we want to experience or not, is how we learn to cope with them.

 

If we can get to a point where we can accept the emotion, acknowledge it's presence, and then chose to either go with it or against it, then we are getting to a point where we might be emotionally mature. There were never any lessons at school about how to deal with our emotions and what to do with the ones that invade our consiousness in an all pervading fashion. I know that for the longest time I used to (and still mostly do) deal with my emotions through food. Its the only thing that I am comfortable doing.

 

The more miserable or lonely or sad or angry or bored or any emotion really, the more I use it as an excuse to eat. This is how come I'm now getting to a point where I could be mistaken for the side of a house. And the stupid part is that the general size of a houseness also drives my feelings of unhappiness and makes me eat more. I'm fully aware of this cycle and yet I haven't found a new way to deal with my emotions so that I can stop it.

 

But this is what the blog and my story (that I haven't written any of for a while, sorry) are suppose to be about. This way to express myself and my creativity should be enough to stop me needing that emotional crutch that I've always used, but it doesn't seem to be working very well yet. I am not capable of leaving my emotions at the door, like some people seem to be able to do. I'm glad that I do have things like my crochet/knitting to help me calm my mind when it just wont turn off, I read and I watch movies that make me cry. I'm learning to accept my emotions as they happen rather than muting them so they creep up on me.

 

I talked to my counsellor about my nana yesterday too. How I'd never cried about her death, how I'd not even known where they'd buried her, how my grandad dying had at least brought me some closure. But I still think about her all the time, and I still wish that she were here. She would be 86 if she were still alive, and this year is 20years since she passed. It seems so unfair to have lost her so soon when all my other grandparents made it to their 90s. Worse that she was 10years younger than them in the first place. I wonder how my mother will feel next year when she reaches the same age her mother was. And how it will feel if she lives to be older than her (which, obviously, I'm sure she will). I can't imagine how I would cope without my mother, nor how my father would. I can see my moving in with him so that he wouldn't have to be alone.

 

My goodness I'm big on the deep and meaningfuls this week... It's not planned, I promise. I just write the things that come into my head and then I can read them and file them as dealt with. I need this release otherwise I drive myself insane and I can't sleep for my brain whirling these things around.

 

And once it starts then it chucks in all sorts of other stuff that I've been avoiding for whatever reason! Great.

 

I'm trying to think of something positive I can end this piece with, cause I don't like leaving you down at the bottom if I can help it. So remember this, even Pinocchio got to be a real boy in the end!

 

 

 

thoughts are king

Yesterday's post, which you can find here was a bit deep and meaningful for a Monday morning. But I make no apologies for it as I was incapable of thinking about anything else until I'd expressed that inner frustration. Having written it down I've managed to persuade my brain that it's registered and that we can move on to the next minor problem it would like to inflate unrealistically...

 

Last night I had a complete parenting fail as madam and I both fell asleep on the sofa until 4 this morning! She then came straight up to my bed with me, so she totally won the "I want to sleep with my mummy all night" battle. Drat. That'll make tonight so much harder as she's managed to get her own way once... She's ridiculously stubborn (can't think where she might have got that from!) and our battle of wills matches go on for hours. That'll be fun then. *sigh*

 

This morning there was less of a battle to get madam to school, which was a relief. She seems to have finally got the idea that things carry on around her whether she feels like interacting with it or not. She made a half-hearted attempt to get me to stay at school with her, but I merely had to say "no" and she accepted it. I'm so upset that I've had to let her learn about this side of life so soon. But I'll have to content myself with the knowledge that it'll be of use to her throughout her entire life. 

 

As we walked to school this morning she was telling me again about how daddy had punched me. Right down to demonstrating which bit of me he'd hit. I could happily throttle the husband for how he's made my daughter feel, but that wouldn't really be a good example on my part now, would it... 

 

I'm seeing the counsellor again this afternoon and having had something of a breakthrough where I admitted to my inner demons (which I wrote about here) I have a feeling she's going to be prodding the sore bit again. Not entirely looking forward to this. I've only got today and one more session to go and then the NHS can no longer help me. I'm a bit concerned that I will not be ready to stop then. But as I'm rubbish at endings I think that would be true no matter how many sessions I had.

 

I'm not sure what I do with my excess emotions once I don't have someone to talk to about it, I guess the blog will really come into it's own at that point. Then I figure you poor people will have to put up with even more rambling madness from me. And though I wish I could emulate some of my blogging heroes, I don't think I ever will be that skilled. 

 

Oh! I remembered something I was going to share with you on Friday... My college tutor used a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon as an example for us on Thursday evening. I knew I liked her... :)   

  

is it time for a holiday?

I've had no chance to really get online for the last couple of days and it's been driving me nuts. I don't like being kept from doing things, though I was able to focus and catch up with some of my college work that's been dragging.

 

Having had such a stressful couple of days at the beginning of the week madam has been really suffering and not knowing whether she's coming or going. She's been really clingy with me and been worried constantly about my leaving her. She got herself so wound up on Tuesday that she made herself poorly enough that nursery phoned and asked me to pick her up. She was then fine all afternoon until bedtime. At which point she didn't want to be by herself in bed and came and clung to me until she fell asleep on the sofa next to me.

 

I couldn't bring myself to wake when she was so obviously distressed and so she got to snuggle up with me until bedtime. And then cough in my ear when we did go to bed... *sigh*

 

The next morning (Weds) she was refusing to go to school until I pointed out it was joining in day which meant that I would be staying. This was genuinely the only reason she went. I have never, not once, known her to not want to go to school. She loves her teacher and gets lots from the social side of school too. We had a good old time and it was nice to see her somewhat in her element. Even if she was sitting with me more than with her friends.

 

Yesterday (Thurs) just turned into a really non-productive morning followed by a crammed afternoon. We had to race round to get everything to fit into our schedule. Bit of a mare, but I do enjoy it when we have a purpose to our little world. Madam was at gymnastics and has now got her proper t-shirt to go with her big girl class. To say she was proud of it would be an understatement! I went to college and managed to not nod off half way through, which felt like an achievement given how tired I suddenly was.

 

My portfolio is now almost completely up-to-date and I'm beginning to relax a bit about the end of the course coming up. I'm really going to miss having that adult space to think and I'm a little worried that I might experience a new dip in my mood when it does happen. The girls on the course have all become good friends as the course calls for a certain intimacy that might have been uncomfortable at first but has led to some open and interesting discussions.

 

And now we're at Friday again and I'm going to Guides tonight. Hopefully all 10 of our regulars will be there, but it's proving an uphill battle to keep them occupied. They're so negative about pretty much every activity you suggest to them. It would be nice to knock all of their heads together and ask them why they're bothering to come if they're not interested. I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to do that though...

 

Today is the International Day of the Girl and I'm hoping we can get the Guides at least thinking about girls in other countries  and how their lives might be different. And hopefully they might see that their lives are privileged in so many ways but possibly poorer in others.

 

Madam and I had fun earlier choosing our Mother's Day presents for my mum, we've also ended up buying ourselves a present too... Oops. I'm very excited as I finally have the original version of The Wizard of Oz on DVD now :) And it was sort of free as I had a £5 clubcard voucher and that's how much the DVD was! Score :) 

   

more tablets

I think I'm a glutton for punishment. Despite feeling really crappy I went to college last night after all. I think this is because I value the human (adult) interaction I get from the classes.

 

I was pleased that no-one in our group was too worried about catching my lurgy, though I did sit slightly more seperate from them than I would do normally.

 

I went straight around to the doctor's at 8.30 this morning and asked for an appointment, which I got for about an hour later. Marvellous. I actually saw the doctor that I'm registered with, which must be the first time in a couple of years! He expressed surprise at my cough and said he thought it was the best one he'd heard in a long time. And althoughI was pleased that he liked the cough I did explain how much I'd like it to go away now!

He listened to me attempt to breathe deeply and decided that the pops and crackles really need to get gone. He's prescribed me some pneumonia strength antibiotics (that are a rather awesome blue colour) and said that they pretty much work on everything :)

 

I then got to go and have a walk in the park with my friend and her two little ones. Mine mainly goes into manic mode whenever she gets asked anywhere so she did keep trying to manhandle the older of the two... We then made her run around on the play area which seemed to work :)

 

We went off for naughty lunch (McDonalds) and madam fell asleep in the car on the way to my parents. I had to give my dad his car back,  after I'd upset his plans by borrowing it in the morning! I'm not sure quite why he was so surprised that I wanted the car this morning, I'd mentioned a few times I was going to the park and I don't know how he thought I was going to get there without it...

 

A case of hearing without understanding...

 

I'm going to Guides later, we're hopefully planning a trip to Cadbury world with them! I've never been, it sounds quite good fun... Now, I better go and drool over the pictures again..

writing for britain!

One more day got through, one more day further forward. I was having quite a good day really, yesterday, but I'm just so exhausted at the moment I feel like I'm wasting these good days and should be doing more with them.

 

My daughter was back at nursery yesterday and for the first time this year we managed to get ourselves up and organised and out of the house actually on time. We even got to school early! I feel better knowing that we're not rushing so much in the morning, it was much less shouty and we were both in much better moods to start the day.

 

I did the weekly shop with my parents and came home and actually stayed in the house for a bit rather than my usual trick of chucking the fridgeable stuff in the fridge and then going out to avoid the chaos.

 

I'm trying to get myself into that habit as, if I can at least face the chaos, then maybe I can make a decent start on it. I had some lunch and pottered a bit then escaped towards the free wifi and safety of caffe nero!

 

I picked madam up, trooped her home and she fell asleep leaning on me on the sofa. It's a rare event now really, her napping. And I love it so much as it gives me some peace and quiet (I was writing some more of my story) and gives me an excuse to nap too!

 

I think I got a good 45 minutes snooze in, but she managed 2 hours. And yes, she did pretty much go to bed as usual last night. We even got up on time again this morning. I'm so impressed with us :)

 

Last night I had my writing head on again and wrote and wrote and wrote until I was happy enough with chapter 3 to be able to share it with you all. (The links for it are around somewhere if you fancy a read).

 

But I'm going to have to stop writing what I want to write and get on with writing what I'm supposed to be writing. My college work in particular. I'm not behind on it, but I'm not really on top of it either. And the end date seems to be approaching fast. I have my next assignment to finish and then I have the worksheets to bring up to date and my reflections journals too. It's quite a lot of individual small bits of work and if I don't tackle it, it'll turn into a monster.

 

Now, I have always been a do it all at the last minute kind of person, but this course is really important to me and I don't want to cock it up because I'm rushing.

 

To that end I came up to college this morning so that I could concentrate on my assignment and get some really good progress made. But I didn't bring my notes with me. D'oh! Useless.

Instead I'm going to print off some information on what I need and then hopefully that'll be enough to at least make some progress...

 

Although, given this is a library, there's quite a lot of distractions in here and I'm having trouble concentrating. I shall persevere until lunch, but then I shall head out. The thing in here that is emitting a high pitched beeping is going right through me...

 

A bit of positivity for your day. Watching a four year old choose an outfit for her day is a really great way to start your day with a smile. She chose to put her schooliform on in the end, but we did go through some interesting options first! :)