needed: a different life

Here we are, home in Yorkshire again. And, as it always does, my heart smiled to see the familiar sights and faces. But I do feel, more than I ever have before, that I've left a little bit of my heart down there in Bristol... I do wish I could move down there and make a fresh start in my life.

 

But then I'd just be running away and hiding again. I'd still have all the same things to deal with that I struggle with now. Only with out the backing of my parents, and boy, do they do a lot of backing up still. They buy my groceries for me every week, now how I'd cope without that input, I don't know, because we never seem to have enough money for everything.

 

And I spend time paying one thing to stave off disaster but using just a bit of the money I needed for X or Y and then when I have to pay X or Y I need to borrow a little bit from Z... It's never ending and I don't seem capable of getting myself out of that loop. 

 

For example, my housing benefit doesn't cover the whole of my rent, it leaves me just over £100 short, so obviously that money has to come out of my benefits. I'm meant to pay rent on the 1st of the month, but I'm almost always waiting for some money to come in to top it up to £450... this is because although I have two benefit, a child benefit and 4 child tax credit payments in that month I have always lost some to the rent the previous month and am playing catch up the whole month!

 

For the most part I use my tax credits as our weekly housekeeping and everything else goes to bills/debts etc. But then madam will need something or we'll rebel and treat ourselves to something. Or, more often than not, something will break (be broken). I'll need to pay an extra bill for something I'd forgotten..

 

Or boring things like, peoples birthdays, come up. Christmas, Easter, school holidays they all cost. I hate school holidays, I seem to spend money like water no matter how careful I'm trying to be!

 

Yeah, so my money is always going to be stretched to breaking point. But if I have to do boring things like pay for my own food I'd be in major trouble... 

 

But I do still want to try living in Bristol for a while, I'm just going to have to be smart about it and ensure I have things like a job and somewhere to live in place before making a run for the hills (as it were). This may mean I don't make it down there for some time yet, but I will. One day.

 

We arrived home last night to a slight electrical tragedy. In that we had none. And apparently hadn't for more than 24hrs judging from the stink in the fridge! Not great... I had topped the meters before going away but apparently not by enough! I have today had to throw a freezers worth of stuff in the bin. Along with a few disgusting things from the fridge that I probably could have found new lifeforms on!

 

And I thought about what my life has come to. I think I am at bottom, because other than being actually homeless there isn't much further to fall. I deliberately sat and watched a weepy film last night as I needed to have a release from all the unspoken emotions I've been holding on to whilst with himself.

 

I realised I'd done that terrible thing of telling my daughter why her father was a tw*t (no, no I didn't say that exactly). But I have been encouraging her to see that he doesn't treat her the way she deserves. I think that was most brought home to me by the fact there was a poor chap who ended up sitting next to her on the way home yesterday. Now this lovely guy spent an hour and a half chatting with her and keeping her amused. Without being asked, without complaining about it. 

 

See, nice people still exist, I feel you find them more easily with kids around. But I know that K would have spent 10mins and then started getting annoyed with her. Nevermind a full 5hr journey. Now, don't get me wrong, I can't put up with her for 5hrs on a train either. I was *very* glad that this nice man arrived to distract her for a bit.

 

But on the way down, when it was just me and her, and the train was even more crowded, we managed. I might have shouted a little, she may have sulked a little. But it was ok. If K had done it, there would have been hell on. He can't even drive us anywhere with out losing his temper with her at some point.

 

So glad he doesn't do it full time. 

 

It boggles really, he's so good with her when he wants to be. But therein lies the issue. When *he* wants to. Not her. He cannot put others first, he's all about the money and the power and the what does he get out of it. If you're what he wants he's an overwhelming personality. So sweet and funny and kind and caring. Once you're off his radar you might as well have moved to China.

 

He made madam and I feel like possessions, toys even, this last week. There for him to pick up and play with when it suited him, but not interesting enough to put effort into. Madam said to me "My daddy took me to the cinema" when I asked what exactly he'd done whilst we'd been there. And I said "No, I think you'll find your daddy dropped us at the cinema and then left. Bit like when he dropped us at the hairdressers and didn't come back when he said he would" "Oh, yeah. My daddys a bit rubbish, isn't he mummy?"

 

"Yes, darling. He is."

 

Sadly, I don't think I'm going to be spending that long down in Bristol again. I'm not putting madam through that again. When he only gets her for a weekend, he makes time for her much more. So that's what it'll have to be. 

 

I've forgotten to bring my phone out with me, so I have no new pictures to add today... I'll have to find an old one for you instead!

 

    

college is nearly over

I spent the large part of my day at college yesterday, I was lucky enough to have the chance to just concentrate on my portfolio for an afternoon. I think that, other than some cross referencing that I need to get finished and a couple of short summaries I need to add, I'm ready to hand it in next week!

 

Part of the course is to do practise sessions to use the skills that we're learning. I had to do my final skills practise in front of my tutor yesterday and despite being nervous about having to be observed by the tutor I think I managed it quite well.

 

I was speaking with another member of the group and had to act as her client first as she was being assessed too. I find I can talk to this person really easily and we have a few shared experiences that we've spoken about before.

 

I find when I'm talking I can talk much more freely with her than with other members of the group. And it's not because of any thing that they do or don't do, it's more this understanding and empathy that she manages to give me. It's mainly because she was the first person I really spoke to about my depression, I think.

 

I then had to play the counsellor role and although I was still very aware of the tutor being there I did find myself mainly becoming absorbed in what J was saying and I was very sorry that I had to bring our session to a close as we'd run out of time. I was mainly happy with how I had performed in the session, but was aware of things that I would have liked to have done better.

 

There were moments when I was listening when J was quite emotional and I found it very difficult not to let the friend part of our relationship encroach. To some extent I find it difficult to be objective when it's someone you have a personal relationship with. It's never nice having to sit and see someone being upset, but particularly hard when it's a friend.

 

I am really glad I've managed to get to the end of the course as there have been moments where I just didn't think I would make it. I've managed to get over my desire to run away and I am really glad that I am going to be there to see it through.

 

Based on the first week were I went in terrified of what I had got myself in to, but determined to better myself. I have come a long, long way. I have admitted to my depression and am on my way to recovery. I have made some really good friends who I hope to stay in touch with going forward.

 

I have learnt some really interesting things and I have discovered a desire to learn more about them. Including an interest in psychology and how the personality is formed. I wish that I could go on to do the next level in September, but I can't afford it and have no way of raising £500ish before then.

 

So I think I'll just go with trying to find a job where I can put the skills I've learnt into practise. My ideal would be to work within a secondary school, I'm interested in giving teenagers someone they can talk to. I don't think there is enough support for them. Or at least, that they don't access the help that exists as they don't know about it. So that's my plan. Just hope I can find someone who will employ me...

 

Cause I hear that jobs are just so easy to come by at the moment. Still. 

  

a visit from the black dog

I'm still not really in a writing mode, and I'm not sure why. All the writing I've done over the last few months has been so helpful to me. I've been able to work through the thoughts in my head and try and do that sharing thing that is actually ridiculously hard, but very helpful.

I'm worried that the motivation was only there whilst I had the medication and now that I don't then my mind is closing me out again and that maybe I wasn't as ready as I hoped to come off it. The trouble at the minute is that I seem to have gone back to letting things build up in my head etc.

I think this is probably a sign that I do really need to go back to the doctor's. I know it's not an admission of defeat or weakness to say that I need help still, but I'm a little disappointed in myself that at this point in my life I need to have medication just to stay on an even keel.

I've been trying to stick to my routines and I haven't given in and ordered take-away instead of sticking to my meal planning and making us fresh food every day. So I guess in some respects I am better, but I think I still need that background helping hand that the Prozac seems to give me.

To be honest it does it's job fairly well without me even noticing it, it's just my own personal thing that I don't want to be on it. Having a dad who's a Psychiatric Pharmacist doesn't help that I guess!

I have vivid memories of being on holiday in various foreign countries with my dad wearing a Mr Prozac t-shirt... the number of strangers that used to come and talk to him about it... My mum had to ban him from wearing it before she'd had a coffee!

But I guess it really is a miracle drug for some people.

I just wish I didn't need it. I want to be in control, not have some drug do it for me. I want to know that my decisions (no matter how bad they might be) are my own.

I'm aware that I've been hiding from the world a bit again at the moment, I know that I had gotten out of that (though not the no phonecalls thing *shudders* I hate phonecalls!). So I guess it's time I went back and tried again. Give it a bit more time, give myself more of a break. I will get better though, I know it.

I know that I am starting to be me again, so I know I can. Just want to be able to be me. It's weird not knowing yourself or how you've got where you are. People with depression often describe it as a black dog. And I guess I'm not sure that's how I'd picture it. But the blackness is certainly true.

It's as if I'm trying to run from the nothing, you know, from the Neverending Story and I guess it's a longer marathon than I'd thought.

running away from it all

Went for a lovely long walk this morning with my friend Tabatha Tweedie ,who writes a really great blog about dressmaking, and her little ones. Madam insisted on taking her bike, which did cause slight endangerment on occasions, but was fairly successful.

We had a nice chat and I updated her on my fun with eviction activities and she updated me on her plans too :) Lovely. Sadly, we did not plan in cake this time, but I'm sure now the weather is cheering up we'll be able to meet up and do walking (and possibly cakings) again soon.

I didn't blog yesterday as I was in a bit of a stress mode and couldn't focus my brain to it.

Madam decided she was running away yesterday afternoon. Now with most 4yr olds this wouldn't get far. But mine is jolly independent and confident and did make a fairly good break for it. She had been playing in front of my parents house on the cul-de-sac with the little girl from across the street. They had been riding their bikes up and down and were having great fun. But the little girl had to go somewhere and madam wanted to go to.

She came inside to get her coat on and told me what she wanted to do. I told her that she couldn't invite herself to things and that she couldn't go. She told me she would just go back to riding outside the house, which I said was fine as long as she kept where I could see her and remembered to get to a pavement if she saw a car.

But she then headed straight off to the other end of the street and with me shouting for her to make sure she stopped at the end proceeded to turn up the next street. As I was in bare feet I went back in the house for my shoes and then headed after her. However, when I got up to the top of the next cul-de-sac she was nowhere to be seen. I headed down the street and to the next one over. No sign of her.

I headed back to the house for coat and phone and decided to try the local park before I rang the police. As I rounded the corner before crossing the road I saw her crossing a bit further down. Fortunately the road was remarkably empty for once and she crossed safely. I managed to catch up with her at the park and made her come home. She was of the opinion she should be allowed to play!

After we got home I was trembling with both anger and relief whereas madam curled herself up on my dad's chair and promptly fell asleep. She slept for a couple of hours and I calmed myself with a coffee (not sure that's very calming) and a bit of distraction from the TV.

I have kept the front door locked since as she keeps attempting to escape again. She's very independent, as I said.

My parents have just got back and I have had to apologise for the mess madam has made in her bedroom with my mums old nail varnish (which she also used to make blue highlights in her hair). I think we might actually have to cut her hair to get it out...

Which kind of helps me make the decision about whether I'm going to get her hair cut or not!