18 February 2013

when angry, rant

I had a bit of an epic chat with my mum about my divorce yesterday. We were standing in the sunshine at the park watching my little girl zoom up and down the zip wire. It seems a strange place to talk about something so sad when there were children laughing and happy (looking) families all around.
But it's the next step to help me move forwards. Sort out the debts, sort out the hoarding and get rid of the marriage that's holding me down. I'm looking forward to a future where all my decisions are only for me (and madam, obvs). I know that technically the divorce will be fairly straight-forward.
Husband and I don't own anything together, we don't have joint finances though we may have some joint debts. We never owned a home and we (I) sold both the cars when we moved back to my home town.
He pays me no maintenance and I genuinely don't think that, even if a judge ordered him to, he actually would. And I don't even want it. If he's paying for me then we're still connected and I want as clean a break as I can manage. I want my daughter to be looked after, of course I do, but he never has, so why start now.
The only thing I can take away from the 10 years that I gave him is my daughter. And if he tries to take her from me, he's going to have one hell of a fight on his hands.
How can he tell me he'd provide for her when he doesn't now? How will he put her needs before his own when he hasn't so far? Where does he think that they'd live? Madam has always been here (that she remembers), always had her nana, grandpa and uncles and aunts around her. She has a massive family that love her lots and support me amazingly.
And he shares a house with men I don't know. Not exactly a good environment for her. If he doesn't see her it's his fault for having moved a 5hr trip away from us.
He has done nothing but get in his own way. I'm not for one moment professing to be perfect,far from it, but I am trying.
I spent all those months getting up in the night (cause even before he was in the US he never did) and it was me that had to teethe her, wean her, deal with her tantrums and destructive streak.
She overwhelms me at times, but I will never give up as that was the choice I made when I saw those two blue lines on the pregnancy test. A child is for life, my child is my life. And he doesn't care enough to even phone her once a week.
She's too intelligent to let him mess her around. She worked him out the moment she saw him punch me. She's worked that angle to get everything she wants from him. And some days, when we're both particularly shouty and annoying to each other, she says she's going to live with him.
The solution to this? Point out that if she lives with daddy, mummy won't be there. She can't imagine that.
I'm sorry,this wasn't ment to be a rant. I'm just trying to process my feelings. And I guess I'm not quite in a rational place yet.
No-one should cross me if they know what's good for them. In the words of Bruce Banner, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
She stole my heart away, and look how she knows it! (she's less than 24hrs old here)

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