remember, counsellor knows best

So I had a rather heavy chat with my counsellor yesterday. We moved on from dealing with my hoarding as, well, I'm getting on top of that by myself. So that means we might have to start on some of the stuff that actually *causes* my depression as opposed to one of the symptoms of it.

You know, like getting the antibiotics in when treating the symptoms isn't curing it.

One of my main issues (for many years) has been the level of debt I'm in. Now, I'm lucky, I don't have a massive overdraft or many credit/catalogue bills. But the trouble is, having been on benefits for four years now (yeesh...) I've not been able to pay stuff off, or even cover the interest in some cases. And given that I'm aware of what priority debts are I have always tried to keep up with those and let everything else fall by the wayside.

If I never open the letters or answer the phone (I *loathe* answering my phone) then it just goes away. If I spend all day out of the house I don't even have to see any letters arrive.

It's that head in the sand attitude that's got me where I am today.

But I've made a start by going to the CAB about it, I've worked out all my debts and how they can be dealt with. I've got a massive envelope that I need to deal with. But I'm going to do that in the same way I've been doing the cleaning. I'm going to set my timer for 15 minutes and get it all out and go through it. I bet I'll have time to spare, but the idea and the job have magnified in my head to being something enormous.

If I can get this dealt with it's a massive stress taken from me.

It's almost like I've lived with it for so long that I'm afraid of what my life will be without it. In some kind of weird Stockholm syndrome type of effect. I think I might be mentally deficient somewhere!

My friend L told me yesterday that I was only human. I said perhaps I had been assimilated by the borg mainframe (that's a Star Trek reference, culture fans). But what I meant was that I may look and sound human, my thoughts sometimes seem to be being controlled by someone else. I shall battle on and regain my control. I will get myself back to who I think I was before.

My counsellor gave me a survey on positive personal attributes. I've been given one for someone else to fill in also. Any takers?