House Clearing For Pleasure!

I have been ridiculously busy for what seems like ages. I have been on this course for the job centre and on days when I wasn't there I have been having a clearout in my house with my mum.

This means that finally I have got it done properly. We have thrown out so much stuff I couldn't believe it even fitted in. Well, it didn't. That was the problem. We have one final room to finish (mine) and then I might (might) finally be on an even keel. I am really loving having some actual space in the house at last too. I also found an old friend (I am still a student/hippie at heart.)

Rainbow coat!

The trouble was all the stuff I have been holding on to for years with that foolish belief that I either need it or want it. I don't need it. My mum has helped me say goodbye to things I was holding on to merely out of sentiment. Though she did stop me from putting my wedding dress in the recycling. 

I have instead put it away again and hopefully will eventually get around to using the material to make something else that I might actually wear. It is a beautiful colour and it would seem a shame to waste all that fabric. I quite want to make it into a 50's prom dress style. But then I have nowhere to wear it, so why bother...

I have also started being more proactive and thorough with my job searching. I am trying to apply for something every day though this is not always possible (unless I do go for that butchers job Universal Jobmatch is convinced I could do). I also have refused to apply for the jobs as catalogue distributors that abound on there.

I have finally got a bite and have an interview for a Teaching Assistant role. Unfortunately it is on a voluntary basis, but it would give me great, up-to-date, experience which I think is lacking from my current CV.

To this end, having thrown out tonnes of my old clothes, I have been shopping! I bought a waterfall cardi and some new leggings the other week but really wanted to buy a lightweight jacket that I saw in the shop. The no money issue raised it's ugly head though.

So I waited for my next Jobseekers Allowance payment (which is the one I get to do stuff for me/madam with (the other one just goes on rent)). I went back and bought the jacket as I really think having a smart jacket is an investment in lieu of the job I want to get. I also saw a lovely, smart winter coat which would mean I could stop wearing my incredibly dull but practical anorak. And smart enough to wear as an overcoat when going on interviews. 

Smart. Though having to take the photo in a public toilet with the sink getting in the shot is less glam than I hoped for!

My mother very kindly paid for it and I gave her half the money and will give her the other half next month. I really can't re-iterate enough how lucky I am to have such supportive parents. Madam and I would struggle so much without them. And I wouldn't have a washing machine, still!

As part of my Fast Track 2 Work course from the job centre I did a mock interview, which was tailored for a TA role, this was great as it made me do a proper interview but in that controlled, safe environment. It was conducted by people who work for the local council and they gave us really great feedback on the answers we gave. I still hated it though! I was so nervous before I went in and did waffle a bit. But I did ok, and I felt more confident on the answers that I had prepared.

Nervous!

My interview was originally scheduled for Wednesday last week (5th) and has now been moved to Thursday this week (13th). So I am also getting the chance to get my nails done properly before I go. I have told Becky at my favourite nail place that I am having to be sensible this time and she was sad as we usually try and make my nails as fun as possible. It's £15 which is not *that* much given it lasts a minimum 3 weeks and I do want to look as professional as I can (chipped polish is a no-no!)

So, um, yeah. Think I have rambled on enough for today. Hope you're having a good week!

A New Year's Eve Summary

It's New Year's Eve today. I am deciding whether to attempt drunkeness on my own or whether it is just quite pathetic to sit alone with a bottle of red wine, a Harry Potter marathon and possibly my five year old...

I will definitely manage the Harry Potter marathon and I'm guessing the five year old will insist on staying up as long as she can... I do have a bottle of red that has been hanging around at home for ages and ages and now seems as good a time as any to drink it.

I have had an interesting year full of highs and lows as ever. I think I can safely say that some of the littlest things have made me most happy. Spending time with good friends, improving my crochet techniques, teaching myself new things, trying new recipes. I think my post from the other day  is probably the best illustration of where I am now.

Although, to be fair, I try new recipes all the time! It doesn't always work as well as I hope it will. Last night's strangely bland potatoes being a case in point. How can potatoes cooked in buttered stock and thyme not have flavour? Well, I achieved it. The experimental barbecue chicken worked a treat though... 

Worst moments? Probably during my college course earlier in the year, it stirred up so many strong emotions in me. I spent a lot of time thinking about myself which, athough in the long term was helpful, was hard to get through. I think this post probably sums up some of that darkness that still haunts me.

Although, those feelings are retreating more and more and I go longer between the utter blackness that surrounded me more times than I care to think about this time last year. I hope that there will be more improvements at this point next year. 

Maybe I'll even have found a job and a new boyfriend! Stranger things have happened after all...

  

a Christmas as myself

I have been away for far too long and have been itching to post a couple of things from this last week... It has, of course, been Christmas and I have been distracted by that! 

I went to Midnight Mass on Tuesday evening with my friend V. We do this most years but have missed the last few mainly because of madam being too little. This year I knew she would sleep through and that mum and dad wouldn't have a small screaming child on their hands. 

So having told the parents I was going to MM they were both surprised when V rang the bell at 11pm to collect me. I was slightly amused. We were joined in our trip by V's brother and his wife which was lovely as I haven't seen them for ages and certainly not since before they were married. 

We got to the church in reasonable time and even managed to get a space in the church car park, which is ridiculously small in comparison to the size of the church/congregation. V and I have always loved sitting at the front as we get a good view of what is going on and also we used to be able to see the baby Jesus being placed in the nativity at midnight. 

Sadly, they now do a crib service earlier in the day and place Jesus in the scene then, and they've also moved it to a different part of the church to make it more accessible. This, obviously, prompts a "gosh, Jesus is premature" response every year. Yeah, I am that person...

Anyway, we took up our usual front-ish row seats and settled down to wait for the start of the service. We did our usual gossiping and V did her now customary "I really want to dust that" at the organ screen. (She's right, it's awful, but a very fiddly and delicate job).

We sang a couple of hymns and listened to a couple of readings and then it was time for the sermon. We knew it was going to be interesting when the vicar started off telling us about the "words of the year" that have been added in to the Oxford English Dictionary. We both rather hoped that he would refrain from explaining/demonstrating twerking!

He culminated in what has been the word of the year. Selfie. He explained what it was and how ubiquitous it has become. Though I don't think it's as new a phenomenon as people try and make out. I have a couple of selfies of me and V from when we were about 17! Anyway, he then went on to explain that the birth of Christ was God's version of a selfie.

o_0

I had to cover my face with the order of service pamphlet. I also had to clamp my mouth shut so I didn't laugh out loud. I took one look at V and that set me off again. 

About halfway through the sermon the chimes sounded for midnight and V and I wished each other a Merry Christmas. I have always loved seeing the day in like that. But whilst I was sitting there, listening to the vicar waffle on and wishing V a merry christmas at the exact same time she said it to me, I realised something.

I felt totally myself.

For the first time in such a long time. That giggling, silly, easy familiarity and love of good friends finally got through and made me feel better. I came home after the service and had the quiet of the house to myself. I sat and wrapped parcels and placed them under the tree and instead of the underlying loneliness that usually accompanies me everywhere I just felt blessed to be having this quiet time.

I don't for a moment think that I am completely back to myself, but I've finally got to a place where it's becoming easier to feel it. I'm hoping this means that by this time next year I might, finally, be more myself than not :) 

a work, or two, in progress

I have done it again. I have started another project without actually quite finishing the last one. I didn't used to do that when I first started. So what changed?

Which bit of me is it that is incapable of finishing what I've started? Because it creeps up and attacks me in other areas of my life as well. I am at an international level for my  procrastination, that much has been true for years. But that usually involves me *not* starting something...

I know that part of it is the thrill of the new I think we all suffer from at various points. You know, when you have to wear your new shoes around the house all day as it's the only way you'll get to wear them... But this thing where I'm racking up unfinished craft projects is not my norm. I am the person who read the Silmarillion (yes, I do want a medal, thanks) because I had started it and didn't want to give up.

(I've just googled Silmarillion to see if I spelt it correctly (I had) and apparently they're talking of making it into a film! Why?)

The only book I have ever given up on, in fact, is Don Quixote. And if you are one of the people who thinks it's brilliant, I will laugh. Because I loathed it. I also really didn't like Wuthering Heights, but did finish it. I have read both Shirley and Vilette because I enjoy Charlotte Bronte's writing. Neither of which were particularly fun for me. So this plodding on until I get it finished is actually my default and I don't know how it's got out of kilter.

Or do I? (that was like some terrible TV thriller). I have begun to wonder if I should view it as a good thing. Not because I end up with loads of unfinished things lying around my already untidy home, but because it shows an unwillingness to put up with things.

I have had a low boredom threshold for years and was trained to stick with things until the end and the joys of delayed gratification. But I am older now, and though I am not seeking instant pleasure wherever and whenever, I am not happy to accept being stuck with something I'm not enjoying.

Why should I? I have, after all, taken the bull by the horns and reclaimed my own life because I was unhappy. I even had to convince myself that giving up on the relationship wasn't giving up. It was actually growth. And allowing myself to be in charge of my life rather than a spectator was ok. I still have wobbles where I realise the power of what I have done, or when K *still* calls me his girl (actually, that mainly pisses me off, how has he not got the message yet?).

On a complete side note, my cousin was asking if I was ok and telling me how sorry he was that life was being shit to me. I mentioned that I was feeling stronger and wasn't prepared to be anyone's punching bag. He hadn't known that part of it and has now promised to beat him up when he next sees him. Which I really don't want, but is quite sweet of him to offer! See, I need someone who wants to fight for me, not with me...

Anyway, back to my inability to finish projects. But it isn't even that. Because 9/10 I do finish them. I just have to have a bit of distance to get re-excited about it again. I set myself challenges with some of my projects by going in at a level I'm not really at yet and hoping I can do it. Sometimes it defeats me and I have to back down and do some simple projects to bolster my confidence for another assault at it. This is certainly how I treat my crochet. And I think that might be because I taught myself from books and magazines with no knowledge of what it should look like. 

I was always pretty confident with the knitting as I have seen people doing it my whole life and knew mine looked "right". But crochet? Nope, none of my family/friends did that. I know a lot who do now, but not when I started. I am more bold with my choices but also love trying new motifs. Because they are small you can try out new stitches/techniques in relative safety. 

So I think that maybe, being always excited and on to the next project is helping me learn more techniques. I want to know it all and grow my skills. The only area this falls down is my sewing! I am still lacking in confidence. Right down to the cutting the pattern. In fact, it's mainly the cutting. Once I have the pieces, sewing it together is not too hard. Fiddly sometimes, but fairly straightforward with the machine. And I like my machine, it does what I ask it to. Bonus!

So, this new pattern I got, I might need some help with... But I will do it :)

Moral of the story? Not sure there is one. But a work-in-progress is not necessarily the only work-in-progress. Learning new skills is fun. Learning when to call it a day is also good...

what's in a name?

I've done it. It's finally official. My name is now changed and I am back to my maiden name. Despite my flirtations with changing it more completely I have chosen to merely revert as it's easier that way.

After all, the name I was given at birth is one I will always own and as soon as I sort out my divorce will be available for me to use again. Just this weird bit whilst I'm separated means I needed a bit of paper.

And my friend J, who's a solicitor, drew it up for me over the weekend and I signed it yesterday and that's it. She didn't even charge me for it, bless her. So all of you who had got to grips with the weird spelling that I changed it to can now try and remember how to spell the weird name you first knew me as!

my name is all over this, so excuse the massive amount of blacking out!

 

This new name thing is affecting me more than I thought it would. I woke up this morning with a new feeling of hope about everything. Its like the name has given me some of my identity back, if that makes sense. I feel like, by becoming what I was in the past, I can reclaim my future. My married name had become like a weight around my neck and I felt stifled by it. There was no future in the name so I saw no future in me.

I am reborn. Which is a stupid phrase and has rather weird imagery in my head, but is also the only way in which I can describe it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good (as someone once sang!). It was the right time to do this. I could have waited, but I needed that line drawn. And now that I am focussing on myself again, at last, I needed to be the real me. I can't imagine starting a new job, a new career as my married self. 

In my mind that is a different person, someone downtrodden and afraid of the world. No confidence, defeated. And I am emerging from that past self, shaking it off, learning and growing and changing.

My confidence went up a few notches overnight too. I feel, finally, like I am worth someone's time and attention. And a someone who is prepared to treat me the way I deserve. I still am unconvinced I'll ever meet that someone, but the ability to dream about it is enough for now.

The main thing now is remembering how to do my old signature! I've had to stop and think about it already! In fact there is a page in my notebook where I've practised it! Like I used to do when I was a kid and pretending I was signing an autograph! (gosh, lots of exclamation marks there, sorry)

I am starting anew.

New name.

New start.

New life.

New hope.

New is good.    

I never thought you'd leave in summer

Friday night into Saturday morning I spent watching stuff on YouTube. And I ended up, somehow staying up all night (at a certain point I just decided sleep would make me feel worse.) But I watched all sorts of crap. And I started watching some inspirational stories and things and basically making myself all over-emotional.

And then, for some reason I have yet to fathom, I went for the big guns. I saw it as one of the recommended next videos and I thought, why not? What did I see? Well, it was the MJ memorial service.

My lovely and wonderful friend H recorded it for me on the actual day as I was moving and didn't have chance to watch. She transferred it to DVD and gave it to me whereupon it has sat on a shelf for a little more than 4 years as I couldn't bring myself to watch it.

It flashed up on my screen and I thought yeah, sure, lets give it a watch. After all, it's been ages and I'll be fine.

I was not fine. I wept through large parts of it. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I shouted at madam when she interrupted me (she was up by the point I started watching it) and I made myself watch right until the very end when his 11yr old daughter said her goodbye to him. I don't think anyone, whatever they think about MJ, could have not been moved by her little speech.

But at the end, although I was horrendously emotional, I felt better. I've finally let it go. His dying was such a big thing in my life, for he had been such a big thing in my life up until that point, and I had packed it away. I had hidden it behind all the other things that happened in my life shortly after it.

And now that I'm finally moving past them, I have to move past that as well. I feel like I have lost someone who was a part of my family for a long time but that I have at least had the chance to say goodbye. My relationship with MJ still lives, he still sings my heart better whenever I need him to. But I'm ok with that being all it will ever be from now on.

I have had this post whirling around in my head since Saturday with the worries of how other people will react to me lamenting MJ when it's 1, a controversial issue and 2, so long since it happened. But this is *my* blog. And it is personal, that's why I have it. So there. As they say!

Though I am annoyed that I will now never be able to listen to one of Stevie Wonder's songs ever again. It just was the perfect tribute song. But I will now have to stick it in my "only when feeling totally emotionally stable should I listen" folder.

You'd be surprised how many songs I keep in there. Self editing is a marvellous process... If you are as nosy as me you will want to know which song, so I shall put the YouTube link  here sorry, it's not the *best* quality here. And if you're not on a mobile here it is for you:

I genuinely have always loved that song... (Stevie comes a close second to MJ in my collection). 

I have other things I want to update you on, but it seems inappropriate within this post. So I shall leave this one just for MJ and write another post with that in.

I will hold this man in my heart forever. Goodbye MJ. God bless you. 

and breathe...

Hello, my friends! I am still feeling wiped out so I shall try not to ramble on too much.

 

I had a good evening as madam seems to be back to sleeping well. She went to bed on time without too much of a fight as well. I wasn't sure if she would as she hasn't done anything to tire her out. But I suppose she must be feeling like me and just feel drained by the whole experience.

 

I've sent her to school this morning and will pick her up at lunch time as I don't want her to over-tire herself. She was really pleased to be going back this morning and I have wrapped her in plenty of layers so that she doesn't get cold. Not that I am being a panicky mummy or anything, oh no...

 

But I just have that image in my head of her gasping for breath (bit like my dad's fish did in the summer...) and I know that they would never let that happen, but it's one of things that I can't un-see. And I will always be more aware of what could happen. The school told me they would check on her at playtime (remember how good playtime was!) and let me know if she looked like she might be struggling/tiring. No one has rung and playtime must be about over (it's 10.30am *now*) so she must be ok :)

 

Being protective mummy has meant I made her wear her hat and gloves to school, she also has on the lovely padded jacket that friend E passed us down from her little girl. I did iron in a name label, but I hate doing it onto fleece as it always ruins a little bit of it. Never mind. One small patch of non-fleecy will not affect her at all, just me and my perfectionism that don't like it!

 

I want to put her gloves on elastic as it makes life so much easier, but last year she just kept pulling them out of her coat and refused to wear the elasticated ones... Her independent streak can be infuriating! But I shall consult with her and see if she'll let me this year. They're really nice fleece lined ones and I don't want her losing them.

 

I got the new issue of Simply Crochet magazine yesterday and I have been prevailed upon to make the little fox purse out of it for a certain someone! I think I might make the granny square scarf for myself (though maybe substitute the pink) as the scarf I started I'm not sure I like as much as I thought I would... Although the scarf/hood on the cover is quite tempting too!

 

I keep looking at the time as I'm paranoid about picking madam up! It's not even 11... Might just go to Boyes and look at yarn first ;)

 

the happiness hamster!

 

 

  

a rather different weekend than planned

I am exhausted! I have had possibly the most worrying weekend of my entire life and we're still coping with the fall out now.

 

It started off so well. I went to Guides as normal on Friday evening and came back really positive about what we're doing over the next half term. Madam had been coming down with a cold most of the week. Same as ever when we start a new term! I have it as well, she's so good about sharing!

 

Anyway, I came back on Friday evening to find her fast asleep on my mum and the news that she'd thrown up all over my dad. Oh dear. She was prodded and made to wake up so that we could go back to our house. But she made a massive fuss and we decided that if she went straight to sleep we would stay the night. And she did, though we noticed she seemed quite chesty and a bit wheezy when we put her down.

 

At 5 in the morning my mum prodded me awake and told me that an ambulance was coming as madam was having difficulty breathing. I got up and went into my parents room where she was propped up in bed and was obviously struggling for every breath. Not good at all. Mum said she'd got into bed with them and was puffing and panting so much they'd phoned 111 to get some advice. The lady had asked to listen to her and decided to send out the ambulance.

 

And we got two! The first one arrived shortly and explained that a warning light had just come on and that another bus was coming to *actually* take us to the hospital. They checked madam over and put her on a nebuliser and asked her to recite a nursery rhyme to check how she was doing. She sang Humpty Dumpty but could barely get to the end of the sentence without gasping for breath.

 

We got taken into the ambulance (the new one) and blue-lighted to the Hull Royal Infirmary. Madam was a little upset she didn't get the sirens, but we explained they only use those when the traffic is busy. Which it is not at half past 5 in the morning.

 

We got to the hospital for about 6 and were admitted to A&E. We waited there until 9 and then got moved to the children's A&E as that was now opened. From there things moved much faster (the main A&E was stacked to the rafters, bless them, they were so good with her).

 

The children's A&E gave her 10 puffs on a Salbutamol inhaler at 9.15am and sent her up to PASSU (Paediatric Assessment Unit). They assessed her again at about 11.30am and despite the fact madam was leaping about and destroying the triage room the Doctor said she was still really working for every breath and she was given another 10 puffs. We were told that until she could go 4 hours between treatments she wouldn't be going home.

 

So they found us a bed and madam some lunch and we settled down to wait. Well, I did. Madam doesn't understand the concept of resting so went off to cause chaos with anything possible. At 2pm they came back again and decided she needed another 10 puffs. She also got a dose of steroids which apparently, tasted vile (Mummy smirking may have happened).

 

They wanted to leave her 4 hours and said they would come back at 6 to reassess and then we might be able to go home. Due to a bit of a mix up in communication she was given another 6 puffs at about 4.30. We then had to wait until about 8 for the Doctor to come around to her. He said he was thinking that she might need to stay but that with another dose she might be able to go.

 

However, she fell asleep (passed out from exhaustion, you choose) before they could give her it. She was given her 10 puffs whilst she slept and put on a pulse ox monitor. It showed she was still struggling and they decided, to be on the safe side, we should go up to the children's ward and spend the night.

 

As it turned out it was a good job she stayed. They had her on a monitor and I could only watch as her oxygen saturation kept dipping down. They put her on the lowest rate of oxygen. It helped, for a while. And then she needed a bit more help. And then more. They put her back on nebulisers instead of the inhalers and she levelled out when they started her on 35% oxygen. Now, that much oxygen sounds very scary, and fortunately I didn't realise she was on that much at the time. I crept into the bed next to her and fell asleep because I was so tired.

 

Sunday morning

 

 

We were woken at 6am when she had another nebuliser and then... She was awake. And spent the rest of the day causing chaos and getting under the poor nurses feet. We finally managed to get her to 4 hours between inhalers though. They had said that if madam had a nap and they could monitor her breathing then we might be able to go home. But madam refused to settle until after tea. She dropped off for about an hour or so and so did I. Sadly it was too late and we were in for the night. Again. I have to say we both slept quite well. Tiredness overtook us both and we slept pretty much through until morning.

 

So, Monday morning when we woke up she had her inhaler and we were told that we would be going home as she'd had such a good night. Just had to wait for the Doctor to do his rounds and discharge us. We saw him about 10.30am and then had to wait for our discharge letter. But we left about 2pm. We went downstairs to the pharmacy as madam had another inhaler (the Salbutamol one still) to collect.

 

Then we just had to wait for my dad to pick us up. We sat in the foyer for a while and madam ended up wearing my coat and curled up under my chair fast asleep! No idea how she managed that. It was very noisy in the foyer, and I don't imagine the floor was very comfortable!. My dad had to pick her off the floor and carry her to the car. A nurse happened to walk past at that point and I think we slightly concerned her with what must have looked like a collapsed person on the floor. We reassured her she was just asleep and we finally left the hospital.

 

I was so glad to get her home and took the decision to keep her off school again today as she is still supposed to be resting and I don't think school is really the place to do that! She will go back tomorrow though as she has had another good night (and I expect her to again tonight). Her school are happy to give her her inhaler when she needs her dose and I think it'll do her good to try and get back to her routine.

 

I'm not sure I appreciate madam's propensity for being admitted to hospital, lets hope we'll not be back again for quite some time to come!  

Hedgehogs and Gromits

I saw the cutest baby hedgehog today (Thursday) when we going home after madam’s teddy bears picnic. It was such a surprise to see it wandering around in broad daylight that it took me a moment to work out what I was seeing.

I took a few photos as I happened to have my camera on me. I don’t think you can tell how small it is! And we did manage to stop madam from picking it up for a cuddle…

 



 

 

 

We came home to find the DVD I’d ordered from Amazon had arrived so I spent the end of the afternoon and early evening educating madam on the joys of early 80s Christmas TV! And I have to say the Box of Delights pretty much stood up to the repeat viewing. The special effects were a bit creaky, but other than that the story stood the test of time and it was just as absorbing as I remember it.

Madam was slightly freaked by the opening credits but the actual program content was nothing that she was bothered by. She was a bit fidgety, but I did make her watch all six episodes back-to-back!

I have my first review at the gym tomorrow. Will be interesting to see how it’s gone for the last 5 weeks. I have been finding it pretty easy to stick to and am hoping for some inch loss if nothing else. I think I’ve lost a couple of kilos, which is not too bad, given I haven’t been on a diet with it…

Mother is going to have madam whilst I’m doing my bit. Her plan is to take madam to the park and run her around for as long as she can bear it. And then hopefully madam will go to sleep on time. This is because himself will be arriving later…  

We’re going to Bristol this weekend. I am actually quite looking forward to it. Not the whole spending time with himself bit, but the being back in Bristol. I do love it as a city.

And this time we’re going on a Gromit hunt. There is an exhibition called Gromit Unleashed and there are 80 models around the city for us to find. I am not convinced we’ll manage even half of them, but we can have a go J We’ll be outside in the fresh air, and when we searched for toads a couple of years ago in Hull we had such good fun.

I have pictures of madam with all the ones we found and am planning the same with the Gromits. I’ll have to post some when we’ve done. I’m desperate to find the strawberry one!

 

I told you I went shopping and I am planning on wearing some of the new clobber for my hols (cause I see it as a bit of a holiday). I get to see lovely L and her kids, the twins are 3months old already! I am looking forward to much baby smushing and cuddles. I love seeing her older boy playing with madam, they get on so well. Well, for the most part!

And as L has moved house she now has a fabulous park just around the corner for us to sit in and watch the kids playing. I love going to see her as she always makes me feel so much better. Like I can do anything. Like I am in control.

I do wish I lived down there. I’ve been starting to think I may never get my life back on track until I can fend for myself again. My parents are amazing and I would not be where I am now without them. But I feel like a child having them help me all the time. Like I am not my own person as they still have so much influence over everything I do.

I love them so much and I don’t like the idea of living far away from them. I get terrible homesickness. But I need to make a move for me. I need to strike out on my own again. Something I have always failed at doing. But I am a parent, and I have to provide for my daughter. Even if all I manage is some form of work experience somewhere away from here.

The only issue of course is that now madam is at school we’re much less flexible. Perhaps I should look at doing something in the next summer hols. Find a project for us to participate in. But I have to be far away and I have to get along by myself. Does that make sense?

I have a need to get away from all the safety and security that surround me. Because I think I am stagnating and I don’t have the drive to push myself out of my comfort zone. Madam going to school will be something of a push as I will have all that time to myself.

I am hoping to get some work experience organised in the local high school for myself come the start of term. I am really keen to do it and I need to kick myself up the arse and get it organised. I’m hoping if I can get the experience it’ll start to help me build my confidence. I need to trust in my own abilities again.  

I think, therefore I am...

 
 

 

 

Dear Reader,

 

I have been doing pondering about my blogging again, so I thought today's post should be about that. Rather than more holiday funz with madam...

 

When I started writing I was hoping to manage a post a day, but I guess that was slightly naïve of me, given I have no proper internet access at home (and I don't like the blogger app). But I have managed, for the most part to get out at least 5-6 posts a week.

 

The blog has picked up a few regular readers (Hellooo!) and a couple of people have taken the time out to comment on some of what I've written (thank you). I think I have managed to be vaguely funny.

 

I am missing being able to blog at the moment, it's making me feel cramped and slightly stressy. I also feel like I'm talking about madam all the time when this blog is supposed to be about me. That sounds a selfish statement, but I guess what I mean is that I wanted to use this as a forum for my many and rapid thoughts in order to slow them down and organise them a bit better.

 

But lately (especially whilst we're on school holidays) everything seems to be about madam. And I'm not sure I'm happy with that. I love talking about her, but am aware that that isn't necessarily what other people may be interested in. It's hard when I'm spending all day with her to have space for anything else.

 

And having re-read yesterday's post I realised that I have started to sound like one of those boring people who thrust photos of their kids/pets/holidays onto people. Not cool, Pearl, not cool.

 

I also feel like I've been rushing my posts (mainly because I have) and that they are now not as well structured or sort-of thought out as they were. I have always had a habit of bouncing from one topic to another it's part of why I need to work on my focussing, but it's getting out of hand. I shall strive to be better...

 

And what do I want to do now? Well, I quite want to try and re-focus on my growth and development (I'm trying very hard not to use "personal journey", because, ugh). I'd like to be able to interact more with the people who do read my blog.

 

I see this post as a message to those of you who are interested in me and my ramblings, I want to be something you enjoy reading, not something you do because you are my friend (though I'll take anything I can get!). I'd like to know what it is that makes you bother to read on and what it is that annoys you (constant insecurity on my part, probably).

 

I enjoy writing this blog, and I will carry on regardless, but it would be nice to be able to have a discussion with you all. Through twitter or on here, I'm not fussed. I do promise to stop rambling on about every little thing my child does, though she will still feature as she is good entertainment! But I don't want her to go grow up and be embarrassed about what her mum wrote about her on the internet! 

 

I have tried to put everything that worries me into one post so I don't write another one like this too soon down the line! Basically, less focus on madam and more on what I'm thinking/feeling/struggling with. 

 

Does that sound good to you?

 

(and yes, those are my pondering faces... or perhaps I was bored, one or the other!)     

Perfectionism is not a game

 

 

On March 21st this year I wrote a post on how perfectionism leads to procrastination and suddenly in the last week it has become the most read post on my blog. And in fact the most read post of this week. Baffling really, don't know why the sudden surge in interest around it.

 

It does give out that important message though. That people like me are this way for reasons other than people can often assume. I'm not saying that I don't have a lazy gene, but most of the time that's not what it's about. I am so concerned about doing it right that I often freeze myself into inaction. I sit, I see, but I cannot do. I'm trying to keep up momentum but have to admit to having stalled again in the last few months.

 

My everyday routine has gone to pot and I can feel the chaos starting to build up again. And that terrifies me, I don't want it to be in control of me, and still I'm letting it win by not forcing myself to do it. My current excuse is that my timer broke (queue everyone I know (V) prodding me with sharp sticks via twitter). And you have no idea how bad I am at judging time. 15 minutes is not long enough (I know it is), I don't know where to start (just do something, it'll help), I don't want my friends to have to rescue me again (my friends genuinely care about me and want to help).

 

So many reasons and so many excuses that I *know* I'm being irrational about. And yet, and yet, and yet... Hopefully, I am having lovely Tabatha Tweedie and V come over on Tuesday for more sewings/girly chats so that will be a fine kick up the bottom to sort things out again. And the silly thing is I want them in my house now. I have turned that corner from being afraid to let anyone over the threshold for fear of being judged.

 

I am glad that being able to be honest allows me to have that freedom again. I love having visitors, I love being sociable. It's one of the few things I miss from having himself around, the house used to always have friends and family in it. I'm not saying I was always keen on all of the company, but I love having people round and making them food (I am a feeder, I plan on making snacks for everyone on Tuesday :D).

 

Actually, I really want to experiment and make these peanut butter treat things that lovely essbeevee keeps mentioning. I may also need to lie down and hope to avoid sugar coma afterwards, but it sounds like something madam would be able to help make, and I'm always searching for those type of recipes.

 

So I will go home this evening and I will put a music DVD on (I'll give you all 3 guesses whose) and I will use that to time my tidying. If I have 3 people (and a madam) in my dining room to do sewing we'll be needing the elbow room!   

tiredness can kill, take a break

 

 

I'm tired. Not just a bit sleepy, but suddenly and hugely exhausted. I think it's the weekend and everything that happened catching up with me. I knew it would happen, but I wasn't sure what form it would take. I'm quite glad I'm not just a weepy mess for a change!

 

But I am feeling too tired to think of witty and enlightening things to tell you. I would like to say how great the support I've had from everybody about this weekend has been. My Guider rang last night to check how madam was doing and all of Twitter and Facebook is awash with people giving me and madam lots of love.

 

It's so nice to be reminded of all the good things in the world sometimes.

 

So for today, just whilst I go away and sleep for a bit to try and recharge before I have to deal with madam's energy levels later, I shall bid you adieu!

the return of the parents

I appear to have woken up today to the news that it's July already. That can't be right, surely! This year is going by so quickly, which is a silly thing to say really as it's all relative. I just can't quite believe we've got to the second half of the year already. I just am feeling rushed, would anyone mind if I just had another go at June?

 

Although today being the first of July does mean that my parents are home from their holiday! And they have brought home lots of interesting stuffs :) This is my favourite part of travelling, all the new and exciting things you discover. My dad has even brought home a massive dragon shaped kite!

 

 

 

It's lovely to have them back and to have someone else to help me with madam again, especially as I decided not to send her to nursery because of the big bandage! She'd be driving me crazy by now, but is instead driving my parents to distraction by "helping" with the unpacking instead! ;)

 

They brought her lots of presents too! She got a mouse, bought on the train as a "get well soon" present, who is now called Lorelai after the part of the Rhine the train was going past at the time! The mouse has been getting into all sorts of mischief already, including trying to eat the cheese that we had for lunch and playing hide and seek with madam and my dad whilst mum and I went to Morrison's.

 

 

 

They have also brought some clothes for her to grub around in over the summer holidays. But the piece-de-resistance is the flamenco dress that they got her! It's officially an age 12 (!) but fits her pretty much perfectly. And it's fabulous. Madam is so taken with it she was trying to persuade us she could wear it to go and pick up the take away later with my dad!

 

 

 

We've persuaded her to put it away and save it for best, or at least for times when she isn't going to ruin it! She's decided to debut it for her best friends birthday party at the end of the month. And it will make the best party dress...

 

I'm suspecting there are some sweets tucked away for her somewhere too!

 

I'm still feeling somewhat wiped out by the weekends exertions so it's nice to be able to have a fairly relaxed day with my folks. And you have no idea how glad I was to have the car back again!

 

Mum and I have also started plotting expeditions to take madam on during the summer holidays. We're trying to decide if madam will manage to get up to Whitby as it's quite a long drive for a small child to put up with. She's not too bad at travelling though, so I'm hoping we'll be able to give it a go. Apparently mum had said we could go to the sealife centre in Scarborough at some point as well...

 

I'd just really like it if we managed to get more dry days than wet!