Lifestyle - I've been so busy...

Hello there, my lovelies. No, I haven't forgotten I run a blog. Yes, I have been too busy to keep you all up to date. I am really sorry for neglecting you. The lack of home internet access has really scuppered me in the last few weeks as I haven't been able to fit blogging in. 

What I have been doing is working. I am still volunteering at the Academy in Hull and have just submitted an application form for a paid position. I have also been assigned some volunteering work by the Jobcentre. Fun. 

This handsome chap was at the park we went to last week.

Its not as bad as I make that sound as it is with a children's charity that run various drop in sessions within the community. I'll be able to keep going through the summer holidays too, which will at least keep me busy. Best of all, madam can come with me. 

I have been busily daydreaming about life if I get this job I have applied for. I have looked into what car I might get and even where I might take madam on holiday next summer! I did toy with the idea of moving closer to work so I could avoid the need for a car, but I think I run the risk of making myself feel isolated and ill again. 

I have thought about what of the many broken things I have I will replace first (my bed, I *need* better sleep). And I've started to ponder a frivolous thing as a treat to myself. Sadly, I don't even know if I have an interview yet so I think I best calm myself down a bit. But I would relish having my freedom back. 

Job seeking is so all encompassing and I'm bound (perfectly reasonably) by certain conditions that there is very little flexibility available. I'm not even supposed to stay somewhere overnight without letting the DWP know... (that one I think is a bit ridiculous). 

But as you can see, I can't just do things on a whim, really, at the moment. Even if I did have any money. I am also massively excited about the increase in cash flow that a job will bring. I have lived on benefits since madam was born and whilst I am so grateful and fortunate to live in a country that has a social welfare system in place. I can't say its a luxurious lifestyle, but its enough to live on. 

I will let you know if I get an interview and you can talk me down from the ledge when I panic... And I will get some home internet as soon as I can! ;-) 

Love, Pearl.

Lifestyle - 20 Of My Good Points

Mothers Day! It’s here again. I have been given a lovely card and a pretty pot plant. I have given my mother a different pot plant and a teeny weeny box of Thornton’s chocolates. She told me not to, but I figure a box of 4 can’t be *that* bad. 

I have become very aware this year that not everyone has the same Mothers Day experience to me, so for that reason I shall move on. 

The other day on Twitter I saw a tweet go past asking for help with a bloggers post. It asked for ladies to name five things they liked about themselves.

OK ladies, I need help for a blog post. Can you list five (or more!) things you like about yourself? I can quote you anonymously #lbloggers
— Emma Farley (@EmsLF) March 27, 2014

I thought, sure. Easy. I tried to think of five things and found after I got past the first couple I really struggled. This struck me as troubling. I did think of my 5 things in the end but it made me realise how hard it is to really feel free to like things about you.

@EmsLF my eyes, my sense of humour, my determination, my risk-taking and my creativity. That was hard to think of! #lbloggers
— Pearl Sanguine (@p_gen_says) March 27, 2014

I’ve decided that I will attempt to think of another 15 to make it a list of 20. Emma wrote a full list of 40 things and I thought it was amazing. So, here are the things I’m proud of about myself, I'll start with the ones from that tweet above!

1. My eyes. Really, they may not work so great, but having spent years not really knowing what colour to describe them as in French lessons I have realised how pretty they are.

2. My sense of humour. This is really how I choose to look at the world. I like to see the funny side and I use humour as a defence when I'm uncomfortable. 

3. My determination. This does dessert me sometimes. But I usually do the things I want to do. No matter what. I have never been afraid to do something on my own if it means I get to do the thing I want to. I have flown to other countries where I don't speak the language but mostly I just go to the cinema! 

4. My risk-taking. I think this ties in with the determination thing. I will take a risk on things that others would may be be afraid to. No pain, no gain sort of a thing! (except heights, I'm terrified of heights)

5. My creativity. I love the fact I can create things from nothing to something that is either beautiful or useful and hopefully both!

Right, so on to the next 15 things... I had to wrack my brains pretty hard I can tell you!

6. My eye for detail. I am really good at spotting the little things. Sadly, this usually means I see the tiniest errors in things too! (not always my blog posts, even though I read them through several times!) It does mean I'm really good at spot-the-difference though :)

7. My vocabulary. I am one of those people with a love for words. I like to know where they come from and I love knowing the meaning of peoples names. Pearl, my chosen name, actually is the meaning of my real middle name (complex, huh!)

8. I'm well read. I know I'm on a reading quest at the moment, but I have actually read quite a lot already! Nothing in comparison to some of my friends or my mother, but certainly above the average amount.

9. I speak French quite well. I have always loved learning new languages and French was the first one I was taught at school. I also speak German, Greek and Igbo though none of those awfully well!

10. I am a good listener. I appreciate that I have actually been trained in listening skills, but I had an underlying ability to build upon. And I feel like people can talk to me if they ever want or need to.

11. My loyalty. I have always been a loyal friend and employee. Sometimes to my detriment in regards to working!

12. I make a mean Victoria sponge. Yup, I love baking and a good old fashioned Victoria sponge is my go to recipe. I add stuff to it and play around with it all the time. I also made a rather good chocolate beetroot cake once...

13. I'm quite tall. It annoys me a lot of the time, but generally speaking, being tall is better than never being able to reach the top shelf in the cupboards like my mum!

14. I am loved. It might seem a strange thing to put on this list,  which is supposed to be about my good points. But I think being loved shows me that I am a good person, even when I'm having a down day.

15. I am intelligent. I am conscious that when I put my mind to something I can move mountains. I tend to not let this show too often. Probably a leftover from never being pushed as a kid. But if I really want to, I can work it out. (but not long division, it's a bit of my brain that's missing!)

16. I know loads of useless information. Need someone to partner you on Pointless? I'm your girl! :)

17. I've never had a filling. Brilliant teeth, yup, totally have them! I did have a brace as a child, but that's corrective, not repair work!

18. I always look to the future. I don't dwell on the past. Sure, it affects my life, but I can't change it so lets keep pushing forwards.

19. I can make it on my own. This is a new development for me. Learnt through years of experience. I might feel lonely sometimes and I might wish I had a partner to share things with. But I don't *need* someone. In fact, I can be myself much more easily when I'm on my own!

20. I'm a good mother. I know, this should be the first thing on the list! But I genuinely didn't even think of it when I wrote those first 5 things. I think I place little thought into how my parenting is something I should be proud of, I spend so much time worrying I'm wrong. But I have a beautiful, happy, strong, intelligent, confident little girl. And she wouldn't be like that without me. So yeah, I'm a good mum. And I'm proud of that!

What are your good points? Please feel free to share...

Love, Pearl.

     

a Christmas as myself

I have been away for far too long and have been itching to post a couple of things from this last week... It has, of course, been Christmas and I have been distracted by that! 

I went to Midnight Mass on Tuesday evening with my friend V. We do this most years but have missed the last few mainly because of madam being too little. This year I knew she would sleep through and that mum and dad wouldn't have a small screaming child on their hands. 

So having told the parents I was going to MM they were both surprised when V rang the bell at 11pm to collect me. I was slightly amused. We were joined in our trip by V's brother and his wife which was lovely as I haven't seen them for ages and certainly not since before they were married. 

We got to the church in reasonable time and even managed to get a space in the church car park, which is ridiculously small in comparison to the size of the church/congregation. V and I have always loved sitting at the front as we get a good view of what is going on and also we used to be able to see the baby Jesus being placed in the nativity at midnight. 

Sadly, they now do a crib service earlier in the day and place Jesus in the scene then, and they've also moved it to a different part of the church to make it more accessible. This, obviously, prompts a "gosh, Jesus is premature" response every year. Yeah, I am that person...

Anyway, we took up our usual front-ish row seats and settled down to wait for the start of the service. We did our usual gossiping and V did her now customary "I really want to dust that" at the organ screen. (She's right, it's awful, but a very fiddly and delicate job).

We sang a couple of hymns and listened to a couple of readings and then it was time for the sermon. We knew it was going to be interesting when the vicar started off telling us about the "words of the year" that have been added in to the Oxford English Dictionary. We both rather hoped that he would refrain from explaining/demonstrating twerking!

He culminated in what has been the word of the year. Selfie. He explained what it was and how ubiquitous it has become. Though I don't think it's as new a phenomenon as people try and make out. I have a couple of selfies of me and V from when we were about 17! Anyway, he then went on to explain that the birth of Christ was God's version of a selfie.

o_0

I had to cover my face with the order of service pamphlet. I also had to clamp my mouth shut so I didn't laugh out loud. I took one look at V and that set me off again. 

About halfway through the sermon the chimes sounded for midnight and V and I wished each other a Merry Christmas. I have always loved seeing the day in like that. But whilst I was sitting there, listening to the vicar waffle on and wishing V a merry christmas at the exact same time she said it to me, I realised something.

I felt totally myself.

For the first time in such a long time. That giggling, silly, easy familiarity and love of good friends finally got through and made me feel better. I came home after the service and had the quiet of the house to myself. I sat and wrapped parcels and placed them under the tree and instead of the underlying loneliness that usually accompanies me everywhere I just felt blessed to be having this quiet time.

I don't for a moment think that I am completely back to myself, but I've finally got to a place where it's becoming easier to feel it. I'm hoping this means that by this time next year I might, finally, be more myself than not :) 

what's in a name?

I've done it. It's finally official. My name is now changed and I am back to my maiden name. Despite my flirtations with changing it more completely I have chosen to merely revert as it's easier that way.

After all, the name I was given at birth is one I will always own and as soon as I sort out my divorce will be available for me to use again. Just this weird bit whilst I'm separated means I needed a bit of paper.

And my friend J, who's a solicitor, drew it up for me over the weekend and I signed it yesterday and that's it. She didn't even charge me for it, bless her. So all of you who had got to grips with the weird spelling that I changed it to can now try and remember how to spell the weird name you first knew me as!

my name is all over this, so excuse the massive amount of blacking out!

 

This new name thing is affecting me more than I thought it would. I woke up this morning with a new feeling of hope about everything. Its like the name has given me some of my identity back, if that makes sense. I feel like, by becoming what I was in the past, I can reclaim my future. My married name had become like a weight around my neck and I felt stifled by it. There was no future in the name so I saw no future in me.

I am reborn. Which is a stupid phrase and has rather weird imagery in my head, but is also the only way in which I can describe it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good (as someone once sang!). It was the right time to do this. I could have waited, but I needed that line drawn. And now that I am focussing on myself again, at last, I needed to be the real me. I can't imagine starting a new job, a new career as my married self. 

In my mind that is a different person, someone downtrodden and afraid of the world. No confidence, defeated. And I am emerging from that past self, shaking it off, learning and growing and changing.

My confidence went up a few notches overnight too. I feel, finally, like I am worth someone's time and attention. And a someone who is prepared to treat me the way I deserve. I still am unconvinced I'll ever meet that someone, but the ability to dream about it is enough for now.

The main thing now is remembering how to do my old signature! I've had to stop and think about it already! In fact there is a page in my notebook where I've practised it! Like I used to do when I was a kid and pretending I was signing an autograph! (gosh, lots of exclamation marks there, sorry)

I am starting anew.

New name.

New start.

New life.

New hope.

New is good.    

how can a year go so quickly?

I genuinely thought that after madam went to school full time I would get more chance to blog and maybe I would be able to make my blog something really interesting... But no. I seem to neglect it for days on end now.

 

This, I suppose is in part due to just how busy life seems to have become, what with starting to do actual job hunting type activities. But also I think because I am becoming more well in myself.

 

The whole reason I even began to blog was because of my depression and how it was affecting me. I felt like I was hiding from the world and needed somewhere that I could express myself and begin to feel more normal again. And I think it has really helped me. I have learned to be able to look at myself in a different way.

 

But do you know what has really helped? Twitter. Yes, that's right, the worlds favourite micro-blogging site (WTF *does* that mean? It's a chat room for crying out loud...). But over the last year I have met and befriended so many people who show me nothing but kindness and encouragement. Supporting all my endeavours and just generally being lovely. It's the community I always wanted to live in, full of like-minded souls.

 

Obviously, my lovely friends who I have known for years have all been a massive part of it too. But Twitter even comes into that too. We are now more capable of staying in touch than we ever have been before, and we can talk as a group which is *almost* as good as having them all there together.

 

 

It is just over a year since I first came out as being depressed. I had struggled alone for quite some time before then. I am amazed at the difference a year can make. At about this point last year I was sitting crying, almost uncontrollably, in a café. My lovely friend picked me and madam up and brought us to her house for tea. I still can't thank her enough for how much that meant to me.

But now, although my demons aren't all defeated, I'm so much happier. My feelings of being overwhelmed all the time have subsided. I am finding I have some of my confidence back. I have applied for a couple of jobs (sadly, not successfully) and I think I can fight my own corner a bit more.

My beautiful, crazy, cheeky little girl has just turned 5 and I feel like a new start is upon us. I have started making the proper moves to go back to my maiden name. I am determined to draw a line under the end of my relationship. I *finally* have lost those feelings for him that were making that so hard.

I will always care about him. But as the father of my child not a partner. I finally feel free of him. And having my real name, as it were, is going to be a part of that. I feel like, with this blog, I have spent a lot of time giving you progress reports. And having to really think about me, who I am, how things have changed has done me no end of good.

I think that now I am here this blog is starting to go in another different direction. It will always be a place for me to think things through, and for me to ask questions I feel I need to, but mostly it's becoming a crafting type blog! I have another finished project for you to see, but I'll just finish this bit first...

I am so thankful for all your support. Thank you for helping me realise that life is sometimes shit, but always worth it. Thank you for being there, I hope if you ever need me I can be there for you. Thank you to whoever it was who invented Twitter and for it giving me a space to meet people who are just like me, only different and wonderful all at the same time.

(This is a really big, aww, you guys *group hug* type of post!)

So, project! I have crocheted a new hat for myself (I may need to do one for a couple of other people too (that would be one each, not to share!)). The pattern came from Ravelry. If you're into knitting/crochet it is a great site to sign up to... So many patterns!

The pattern I used was one of the free ones that is available. It's called Polar Hat and is by Pippa Wilson. It comes from her blog and you can find it here if you're interested. It's a really quick make, I made it in an evening. It uses chunky weight yarn and an 8mm hook. Her version is a rather fabulous orange, but I chose a James C. Brett marble in shades of purple for mine.

And here it is:

wow, cheesy grin or what!

It has a very small brim that gives it that bit more interest than a beanie. I made mine very slightly bigger as I have a big head! I would imagine that her design would fit almost everyone else though...

Whaddya think?  



biblical unicorns

source: http://www.awomensclub.com/free-online-unicorn-colouring-page.php

 

I was at church this morning. It's the first time we've been since the start of summer as there is no Sunday school in the holidays and we've been otherwise occupied (wedding, hospital) since school has restarted. 

 

It was nice to be back and to chat with our friends there. One of the men that has been helping with the Sunday school has decided to go to theology college and become a fully fledged youth minister so he was telling us about how he made the decision and why. It was nice to be able to hear someone speak so passionately about something that they obviously care deeply about.

 

We sang a few hymns and one in particular resonated with me. After A had told us about how he heard his "calling" we sang a song about responding to the Lords call. Now, I'm not a majorly religious person, but for some reason the chorus made me cry. I am capable of crying over adverts and The Simpsons, so it's not particularly unusual for me. But it made me wonder again about my own faith.

 

I keep wondering what it is that drives me to go to church every week when I don't claim to be a religious person. Part of it is to do with the sense of community and belonging that I get from it. Important for someone who regularly feels lonely. I also know that people notice if I'm not there. I am often stopped in the street and people always ask after madam.

 

When we were in hospital last week I text one of the ladies who works on the family support team to ask her to put madam in the prayers for that week. She not only did that but also arranged for a wee present for madam to be posted through our door that was waiting for us when we got home. Its this level of thoughtfulness and caring that constantly surprises me. And then I think, why should it?

 

This is a church, this is what it is meant to do. Look after the members of its community, visit the sick and the elderly, be a family for those who need one. And I have never felt that so much from a church as I do from this one. I only really went back to church when I was pregnant with madam. I had always gone at Christmas as I love the whole shebang, the carols, the decorations, the sense of hope in the air.

 

But when I was pregnant I began to see myself in a different way. I realised just how incredible humans are (well, all animals really). I had very little input on what was going on inside me, it just went into autopilot and did it itself. I can see why some people may go the other way at this point and see it as proof of there being no God etc.

 

I guess it comes down to how I interpret the religious teachings I received in my youth. I, like madam, went to Sunday school every week until I was about 10. I was told all the bible stories and I paid very little heed to them. And then when we started to study science at school I was even more dubious about what religion had told me. I was as disinterested in church as pretty much every other teenager I know. The few services that I was made to go to seemed to be extremely long and very tedious.

 

What changed was when I became older still and learnt about our ancient storytelling traditions. How all our histories were told as stories. How they must have been made to be interesting so that people would listen and how they had messages and told truths.

 

I don't for a moment believe the world was made in 6 days, I pretty much haven't since I learnt about evolution. But the people who wrote the bible (and especially the very first parts of it) didn't know about it. And how do you explain to the uneducated masses about how it all came together. You make it simple, you make it understandable. You set it out in easy chunks. And no, of course there are no dinosaurs in the bible, no-one had ever heard of them.

 

There are unicorns though. Really. And they are mentioned on about 5 different occasions. For example: Isaiah 34:7 "And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness."

 

Yeah, so the bible is totes accurate and should be taken completely at face value. Give me a break! Its the people who insist upon it that need help! And we don't even have all of it. There are many more parts of it that have been deemed unsuitable by the Vatican. Why? Surely adding in as much as possible would help us to understand our religion more.

 

If you've ever watched the film "Stigmata" you'll have heard of the Gospel of Thomas. This is alleged to be Jesus' own words recorded by Didymos Judas Thomas. They make interesting reading, and if you are interested I've put a link here. The quote that the film made famous is actually from two separate parts of the scroll, so don't expect to find it verbatim!

 

I'm not sure I can explain why the church has come back into my life. It's an appreciation of a higher power (whatever that may be) and my need to feel that someone and something is watching over me. I know how much of a miracle a body can perform, I have held my new born child in my arms. And all I could think was how did I make something so amazing without even thinking about it! I have a feeling, someone else helped.

 

I know that a lot of people reading this might have no faith, so I apologise if this was all irrelevant to you. I know my belief is only mine. And I am just happy to have found it and that it brings me comfort in the dark places. If you want to challenge me or ask me questions you are, as always, welcome to. (but be nice or I won't answer! ;P)  

 

  

a map of my heart

I was thinking of what to write about today, and then this line popped into my head and then the next, and suddenly I was writing a short story. I really wasn’t planning on it, but sometimes that’s just the way my mind works, I guess…

I have given it the title Map.

I drew a map of my heart. I coloured it and shaded it. I framed it and hung it in plain view. I watched as the dust settled on it and blurred the lines. My feelings became duller the harder it was to see the outline I’d drawn.

This suited me for a while, for I had grown weary of my emotions ruling my life. But gradually I realised that without my feelings I was living the zombie life. I lived as though I was already dead and I found it to be dull.

So I took my picture down and blew on it to remove the dust. As I blew I saw the map was no longer there. All those years of neglect had left it too weak to survive. I had to start again. But I no longer remembered the paths that used to be so familiar and I could not recall the pattern of its beating.

 

 

My only solution was to get to know it again, to test it out and see how it ran. I started small and took my heart to my friends and asked them to show me the lines that they might remember. They helped me trace my edges, but only I could trace the core.

I tried to use it to see if that would remind me and got a kitten to practice on. It was cute and fluffy, but the first time I watched it crunching a spider I lost the love I had for it and gave it to my friend the next day. I missed it though and knew that it was part of my map now. I reclaimed my kitten and learned to live with its cat nature.

I met a kind man in a queue one day, we chatted to pass the time. He made me laugh and invited me for coffee. I felt another path begin and agreed. I found myself learning to depend upon him and gave myself to him. I was surprised to find that as I drew these new lines of my heart the lines of his were weaving themselves in too.

I carried his heart in mine and felt safe knowing he also held my own. We lived together in happiness for many years and my heart map was thriving and I learned all its places. But there were parts of it that I never found again, that were lost forever to my knowledge.

But I had learned to be more myself and less afraid. I felt sure the corners I’d lost were gone for a reason. And I realised that my map might not be the same as it was at first but that didn't make it less good. Only different.

 

So... 

 

Yeah, what did you think?

a review of my life now

a laptop and a coffee cooler, this bloggers essentials (though I only get to drink those when I have enough money!)

 

 

Today is post number 150. Its been making me think about how much this blog has changed since I started it. I started initially in the midst of a depression. I was unhappy and feeling so low and quite worthless. I was living in the most awful mess and worrying constantly about it.

 

I was facing some horrible truths about my life and self and I just didn't know where to start or how I would cope. But I have been doing. And though my problems are still not completely fixed and my house is still something I battle with, I feel much more in control of my life again.

 

The blog has become less about deep and meaningful thoughts and more about things that I have enjoyed. And I'm proud of that. Proud of where I have come from and that somehow (with a lot of help from my lovely friends and family) I seem to be getting my life back on track. I can now start planning the next phase of my life. Because I seem to have been on pause for a rather long time.

 

It also seems to have become somewhere for me to share my various craft projects and current obsessions. (Don't forget, I have a book on Celtic Crafts to get through :)).

 

Currently, madam and I are watching Lilo and Stitch on a daily basis and madam asked me yesterday whether her family is broken, I had to tell her that, yes, it is.

 

 

But I told her that really family is about the people who love you and who care about you. And I told her that she had so many people who loved her very much that she was going to wish it was smaller soon enough!

 

And we are going to be ok. The separation we had from K for all the years he was in America was very different from how the situation is now. But we're moving forward. And the more I find myself again, the less he bothers me. I have always known it was his loss that madam and I were his cast-offs, but it was hard to remember sometimes when we were having a particularly bad day.

 

But many things have changed. Madam has grown so much in the last year at school (and not just upwards). She is still as insanely annoying as she ever was, but she is much more able to apply herself to a task and she's learned to show her compassionate side more often.

 

She still has her insatiable curiosity and her complete inability to listen to a word I say...

 

And once she is at full time school come September another new phase of our life will start. I will have to be much more aggressive about looking for work and more realistic about where my life is really going. We still may or may not be moving house at some point (the court case has still not come up). But I am not as afraid about it. I feel more like I will cope with it, whatever happens.

 

I am not as out-of-control as I was. And I have been off my medication for a while without bad things happening to me! I am starting to be able to look forward to where my life might go rather than being afraid of the unknown...    

 



gym and slim

Yesterday, I mentioned I went for a gym induction, which was actually on Tuesday (confusing, I know). I have decided that as my general fatness refuses to just magically melt away I maybe need to start putting a bit more effort into it.

 

My mum has been going to a specific gym for a while and has had great success not just with losing lots of inches from all over but from losing a decent amount of weight too. I decided that I should really treat myself to the same chance. I had the induction on Tuesday and have been twice since then already.

 

And I'm actually finding it enjoyable. It's resistance based rather than cardio so you don't end up all sweaty and ick (though you do end up quite glowing!) And you only spend half an hour to do the whole circuit so it's easy to fit it in. 

 

Mum and I have devised a system so that I don't have to worry about what I'm doing with madam whilst I work out. So, mum does her circuit then, when she's finished she takes madam for a drink whilst I do mine. Madam is enjoying this so far as she gets to have some alone time with her nanna and she hasn't really had that before. Normally my dad gets the privilege!

 

I'm hoping that now I have committed myself to this I will be able to keep it up. By the sound of it they are quite thorough about re-jigging your program to make sure you're getting the best out of it. And there is always someone to ask. Everyone faces the centre and the instructors have a desk just on one side. If you need to ask anything you can. And there are mini reviews to check how things are going.

 

The only bad thing is how thoroughly they measured me! I now know the exact horrors of my dimensions and my weight. I have been avoiding this knowledge for a while, but I know that if I expect to tackle it I have to know what I am dealing with.

 

So maybe it's time I posted a proper picture of me, so you can all see what I really look like. Not just a head shot which is all I normally allow. I am officially heavier than I have ever been before and consequently in the biggest dress size I've ever worn. And I am not okay with it. Because it isn't healthy to be this big and I do worry about the effects it must be having on my health.

 

My depression is in part caught up with my weight, so less weight, happier Pearl (or that's the plan). And I'm sick of not being able to buy clothes in my home town. Evans closed it's doors a couple of years ago and now I'm stuck with having to go into Hull to shop. Or online...

 

Here I am then, and I hope I will be able to post progress photos along the way. (I *hate* this plan!)

 

rather rubbish photos, but these are the only full length ones I could find!

   

 

        

on sewing machines and dating sites

I mentioned yesterday that I've been given a new sewing machine. I am really excited about it and plan on giving it a very quick go to see how it works as soon as possible.

 

 

 

Now, my old machine was tiny so this one feels huge in comparison, but I quite like that. It's reassuring somehow. I shall spend this evening having a good peruse of the instructions and hopefully that'll be enough to get me started.

 

As I have discovered, the online sewing community is really friendly and helpful and my friend Tabatha Tweedie has already offered to give me some help if I need it. That link will take you to her write up of the Birmingham sewing meet up which sounded like it was a great fun day. I am very jealous of most of the fabric she brought home with her!

 

Madam has already put in an order for something for me to make for her. Project t-shirt did include me finding a pattern to turn a t-shirt into a dress by just adding on a gathered skirt. I quite like this idea as it was very simple (like my skills) and I have the perfect material to use for it.

 

The book I saw it in also gave good, clear precise instructions with lots of pictures. I debated doing it by hand, but after how long it took me to sew on a pocket, I went off the idea! So the navy t-shirt will have a purple butterfly print skirt added to it soon, I hope.

 

I would really like to start making madam some pretty dresses and me some simple tops (I'm a big tunic fan and I absolutely love the Matilda blouse by Tilly) But I am too big for her pattern :( I need to 1, learn how to make the pattern bigger and 2, make me a smaller so that might not be necessary!

 

I am feeling quite horrid about my general fatness at the moment and keep telling myself I know what to do about it. Yet I don't do it and then I feel bad and then I comfort eat (who invented that? I *hate* them!).

 

Yesterday, in a slightly rush of blood to the head moment, I signed myself up to Match.com! It was a bit of a laugh really, just wanted to feel like I was making an effort to pick myself up out of the doldrums. I realised it's been over a year since I officially separated from himself and although I am not entirely ready for the whole dating scene, I am tired of living like a nun.

 

A girl has needs, you know...

 

I just want to meet a nice chap and have a few dates and see where things might go. You know, someone actually nice. Not that just says what I want to hear... But then I hit on a stumbling block. It is really quite expensive to subscribe and you can do almost nothing if you don't.

 

 

 

Now, I knew I put one of my best photos on (because, hello, who puts the bad ones on). But it seems I am on to a winner. I just can't see the now 27 people who've looked at my profile since yesterday evening! It was 8 by the time I'd gone to bed... I have no idea whether any of them even float my boat.

 

So, are there any truly free dating sites out there?

   

It has to be the end of the manic tidying now, surely!

I have had somewhat of a hectic day so far. My stupid rental agency had scheduled to come around for yet another inspection. And though I had made plans yesterday as usual it didn't quite work out like that.

 

For a start Harry Potter is a very long film and by the time it had finished we didn't have time to get into town before the shop we needed would be shut. So we forced ourselves to make scrummy muffin pizzas (ham and cheese this time) and watch Robots on ITV2+1. Then after we got home madam, for reasons best known to herself, decided to colour her face in blue felt tip.

 

You know when you'd just like to be able to rewind and not have something happen. That. So then we had to have a full on scrub down in the bath. Much to her displeasure. It's not worth explaining to her yet again that actions have consequences. She obviously doesn't hear me.

 

Then she wimped because hadn't had her wall repainted like I'd said I was going to. I pointed out as she'd been to the shop where we couldn't find any paint she should know why I hadn't done it. Sheesh. So then I had to promise I would do it this morning. No fear, I can't be giving the agency any more ammunition against me.

 

So I then went downstairs to start the clean up and promised myself to have at least got started before bed. Somehow it didn't happen, my bum just seemed to weld itself to the sofa. And then I got reading various articles on The Guardian and suddenly it was past bedtime.

 

I dragged us out of bed this morning and made sure that madam had put all her books away and most of her toys were picked up so that I only had to paint in her room after I'd dropped her off at nursery. I then managed to persuade her that she should wear a jumper to school, not just her vest top. Why is it always a fight?

 

Ok, so after she was deposited with her teacher (she became suddenly reluctant to go in) I set off to get more paint. I had to buy a proper tin of paint as there was no small ones available. It was one of those one coat ones (cause I didn't have time for multiple applications) and cost £18! Not massively impressed at the price, though cheaper than Dulux, which is a bonus.

 

I also went to the Post Office to top up the electric meter as we are on the emergency credit at the moment. Only they couldn't get the key to work. So that was a wasted trip. Dashed home, did lots of painting (why is there always more than you thought?) and started on the living room. Now, I have lovely H to thank for the fact that it's actually mostly organised, but somehow there still seemed to be more to do than I wanted.

 

ok, imagine it without that bin bag!

 

 

Finally got it finished and then moved onto the dining room and the hallway. Did my usual whip around and put all the shoes on the shoe rack again. Removed suitcase from the dining room and put it back in my room. Wherein I noticed that for some reason the painted patches in there are really noticeable. Bum. Oh well...

 

Did a bit of kitchen wizardry, swept all the floors and washed down various windows. And then I scarpered. I don't like being there when they come round, it just makes me feel like I'm being judged (which I sort of am, but I'd rather not know about it). I also feel like I've been naughty and that I'll be told off, so avoiding that feeling is def a bonus.

 

I was rather hungry by this point as I realised I hadn't eaten so used that as an excuse to go get a sandwich. And it was vast. With proper egg mayo that had proper bits of ground pepper in :) Perfect. And after I'd eaten and had a quick look in Claire's Accessories, it was time to pick madam up anyway. 

 

We have come up to the rents again as today is water the plants time...

 

I am shattered and my bed is going to be so welcome later! 

spirituality and my ideas of it

Today, for those of you who follow these things, is Palm Sunday. This is the Sunday before Easter, where everyone goes into a chocolate frenzy. And I will be disappointed yet again as my parents have stopped getting me Easter chocolate and buy me smellies and things instead. (Ungrateful, me?)

But in all seriousness, I do go to church regularly and I do, mostly, try and be a good person. This I suppose is partly to do with the fact that I have been going since I was a child and it's a habit. But mostly because it gives me a sense of peace.

I hadn't been for years though until I met the husband. He went every week and I, naturally, went with him. I found the services in Greece (which is where we were at the time) really long and boring, but the community of the congregants was lovely to be part of. It's this sense of community that I had forgotten.

When I was back in the UK and on my own I didn't really go to church much. I have always loved the Christmas services, Midnight Mass in particular, so I went to those. But I was just drifting, like a lot of people.

It was only really when the husband moved to the UK that I started going more regularly. We got married at my local church which I had always hoped to do. And when your local looks like this:

 

And this:

 

 

 

You'd probably want to use it as a venue too! :) And we thought we'd join the Alpha course as it would be a way for the husband to get to know a few people. We met some lovely people and had a nice time learning a bit more about faith.

 

And then we moved to Scarborough, where our local church was pretty much just across the road from us. I didn't really go though as I was usually at work on a Sunday. Then, when I was pregnant something in me changed. The feeling of something growing inside me was humbling.

 

But it also made me think more about where I had come from and the deeper questions in life. I found a great deal of comfort in knowing there was something/one watching over me and this baby I was growing. If you read my blog post on the breakdown of my relationship you'll know that my pregnancy wasn't a completely happy time for me.

 

And shortly after madam entered my life my grandma left it. I was glad that she had lived to be able to boast of a great-grandchild to her friends at the nursing home where she and my grandpa were staying. And that she'd seen some pictures of her. Just sad that she didn't meet her.

 

I found myself in church on the Sunday after she'd passed and when everyone had left to go and get coffee in the parish hall I just sat, holding my precious madam so tight. Thinking about how we'd only had her christened a week ago and now it was just all sadness.

 

But in that sadness and quiet a peacefulness also stirred. I'm not sure if it really has anything to do with God and I'm sure a lot of people won't believe in it. But it works for me. I can find some peace and inner calm whenever I need it just by having some quiet reflection time in church.

 

It's probably just association, but I like it and I'm quite happy to go to church once a week to get it topped up again. And it makes me happy that I get to go and have a sing (which I've always enjoyed) and that the church community is so welcoming.

 

I don't live in Scarborough any more, I'm back in my home town. But that community came with me here. For I've been accepted into my church family just as if I had never been away. And madam is part of it too.  And even when I moved church (that's another story) I still felt like I belonged.

 

And I suppose if I feel like I belong to something it keeps me anchored when I'm feeling like the whole of my life is spinning around me too fast and I don't know where I'm going.

 

I'm not a massively religious person and I think everyone should be allowed to worship or not as they see fit, but I'll leave you with this as it has a soul soothing effect on me.

 

 

 

 

a day off

It's raining again. I'm so bored of rain and snow and damp and cold and Winter in general. I was under the impression that Spring was meant to be in the offing. Obviously that was just a malicious rumour someone managed to start.

 

I am hoping that it will be cheering up soon as I got madam a new 'kini and we need to go swimming to test it out. I won't go when it's miserable as we have to walk home afterwards and if she's wet she'll get really cross. And I can't cope with either of us getting another cold this month! *coughs* I am a water baby myself so I really love going swimming but with madam I don't actually get to swim, I have to just watch what she's doing and make sure she doesn't drown herself. Boring for me, fun for her. But I do spend my life putting her first, it's hard to be totally selfish and just do things for me. It's probably why I'm constantly frazzled. The only me time I have is after madam is in bed, and then I'm usually too knackered to enjoy it much.

 

I should really make more of the time I have when madam is at nursery, but I never seem to get round to it. I wish I could remember what it felt like to be properly indulgent with my own time. To be able to luxuriate in an unplanned day and fill it with things I enjoy. Even if that did mean I just sit and crochet whilst weeping at slushy films. I'd like someone else to do all the cooking because even though I really enjoy it, I don't like doing it for small numbers. I love having anyone to cook for, I totally up my game. When it's just me and madam it's too easy to be lazy. I'd like to be able to see my friends (all of them) and go out for a girly meal and possibly a film we all love from our childhood (Grease or Dirty Dancing would be my top choices!) and round it all off with a couple of drinks and a natter (probably with a bit more knitting/crochet thrown in).

 

Then to bed where I would read a favourite book for a bit and drift off into a properly refreshing sleep. No-one would jump on me in the middle of the night and I wouldn't wake up to find some hot thing draped around my neck with her hands shoved up my top.

 

If I'm going for perfect days then I'd quite like all of this to take place in somewhere I love dearly like Edinburgh or Whitby or somewhere warmer like France or Italy. I've always wanted to visit New Zealand and parts of the USA or even just Malta or Corsica. I want some warmth and some pampering. I'd like to eat fresh, simple food and drink ridiculously alcoholic confections whilst sitting near the sea somewhere.

 

All of this leaves out the fact that if I did indeed have a day without madam I would miss her so much she would probably be all I talked about. I've turned into one of those sad people who lives through their children... I'd love for her to be old enough to enjoy all those things with my friends and I, she's going to be such a fascinating character as she grows older. And I hope that she doesn't get that beaten out of her at school where uniqueness is not really a cherishable commodity.

 

I'm hoping that as she ages she will be able to spread her wings and use all the talents that she's currently nurturing to get her to a place in life where she can be happy, fulfilled and challenged enough to drive her forward. 

 

I don't want her to wake up feeling miserable about her job and her life and fearing there will never be any way that she can change it. I want her to find someone who loves her for all her quirks and who brings out the best of her. These aren't exactly wishes that are exclusively mine, but I'm hoping that now they're written down and in the real world (as it were) then I can focus on them and use them to motivate myself to help her succeed. I also hope I have the wisdom to know when she wants to do things differently to how I'd like and to accept that as an individual she should be allowed that choice. 

 

I can only hope that my dreams and hopes for her can be adapted to fit her dreams and hopes for herself. I'm pretty sure that it'll be an exciting ride, wherever she chooses to let life take her.

 

I'm planning on ensuring my life becomes a whole lot more like a good example to her than the car crash it resembles at the moment. I'm lucky to know that she loves me and I only hope that as she does get older she realises the things that I have tried to instill in her. 

 

I also hope that she grows up to realise that I did my best. Cause she's certainly the best thing I've ever done.