27 February 2013

an empty space

I left the counsellors yesterday feeling emotionally drained. I was right, I did cry. I knew we'd been getting closer and closer to that sore spot that I try so very hard to hide. And I knew that it was her job to poke it. But it still hurt.
She and I are dealing with my inaction over all aspects of my life, and finding why I seem incapable of finishing projects. And she kept picking away at it until I knew why it was that I do it. And now, finally, I think I might.
I'm afraid of something, that much is obvious from the inaction. But my inability to even complete things that would be of benefit to me is the real sticking point in my life. I am building my wall of things around me, but it's not to keep people out, it's to give me something to fight against. I constantly have an internal battle going on, wherein I hate how I've let things pan out, but then don't finish off fixing them.
Because what happens when they're fixed?
What happens when it's just me?
Do I have to deal with my emotions then?
And then, only then, can I admit to the great modern problem. I am alone. My stuff fills my home so it's not empty, my worries fill my head so it's not empty. But nothing can fill that empty space in my heart I hide. I am alone and so, so lonely.
I'm a strange mixture really, in most cases I would chose to be by myself, I follow mostly solitary pursuits. Reading, knitting, crochet etc. and I enjoy the inner peace they help me find. But there are moments when all the inner peace in the world wouldn't be as welcome as just someone to give you a hug.
This is how the husband worms his way in with me. I need the warmth that he seems to exude. But I'm staying strong. I haven't phoned him once since our return from Bristol at new year. Not even just because hearing his voice is enough for me. I don't want to be in his thrall any more. I want to be strong enough.
But now that I can admit to being crushingly lonely I wonder how you fix it?
It's not like you can magic it so that all the lovely people you spend time talking to on twitter can actually be with you in your living room (and given how untidy it still is, I don't know where I'd put you all!) And I can't suddenly not be a parent so that I could go to more of the social activities that interest me in an evening.
So what is the answer? I'm afraid I don't know yet. But I think knowing the problem might at least start to help me look...

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