Lifestyle - Gardening, Ballet and a Crumble

I re-read the very first post I wrote the other day as I was talking about it for something. And I was quite shocked by the way it made me feel and what a horrible memory I have of that point in time. It may have only been just over a year ago, but so much seems to have happened since then.

Then, last night, as I hadn't posted anything yesterday I decided to see if there was a post from last year and, lo and behold, there was one for 15th March 2013 so I shared that instead. And of course, I read that back as well. 

Both the posts mentioned my imminent eviction problems and how stressed I was about it all. This got me talking with my friend M about where the the whole eviction thing stood now. And the answer is - I don't know. I've not been evicted as yet, however I've never been told I can stay either.

They still come round on a regular basis and inspect my property, which I can completely understand (it was awful), but does stress me out still. I hate knowing someone else is in my house and looking at my things. I can't be there whilst they do it, it freaks me out too much. To that end, I have spent the afternoon sorting out my house (again) as the agency is coming tomorrow (Monday).

I know that it's tidy and acceptable and having completely re-done the garden the other week I feel like I deserve a medal! But I'm still freaking out about it! Is it just me being unreasonable? 

A Garden Triptych

Moving on to nicer topics, madam and I went to the ballet yesterday. We went to see the Three Little Pigs which was a special children's ballet by the Northern Ballet company. Their Ugly Duckling ballet was on CBeebies last year and madam had absolutely loved it.

I spent a morning trying to calm my very excited child down and not particularly succeeding, but then it was finally time to set off to the romantic location of Goole to watch the performance. We couldn't get to the Hull one as it was on mid-week and during school hours (stupidly). We had to set off before lunch which meant I took her to McDonald's on the way. This is her idea of the best meal ever. Not particularly flattering to my cooking...

So we parked up in Goole and found the venue. Madam was desperate to sit on the balcony and was thrilled when we were told that our seats were up there. We settled down and waited for the show. The venue is tiny, so even being on the balcony we were almost able to reach out and touch the dancers! However, there were a group of people who arrived who *also* had the same seat numbers as us. 

Madam in her outfit, our first view, our eventual view, madam with the band

There followed a slightly hurried re-arrangement in seating and we ended up on the very front row! We were right next to the band and so close to the stage the Big Bad Wolf nearly sat on my knee at one point! It was all over far too quickly and madam is now counting down until the next time she'll be able to go. As the tickets were only a fiver each, hopefully it won't be too long!

When we got home I made us some roast pork and then one of my crumbles using up the leftover stewed fruit from the other night. It was lovely! I do love a nice crumble :)

Apple, Rhubarb and Blueberry Crumble. Yum!

So, what have you been up to this weekend?

Love, Pearl. 

a review of my life now

a laptop and a coffee cooler, this bloggers essentials (though I only get to drink those when I have enough money!)

 

 

Today is post number 150. Its been making me think about how much this blog has changed since I started it. I started initially in the midst of a depression. I was unhappy and feeling so low and quite worthless. I was living in the most awful mess and worrying constantly about it.

 

I was facing some horrible truths about my life and self and I just didn't know where to start or how I would cope. But I have been doing. And though my problems are still not completely fixed and my house is still something I battle with, I feel much more in control of my life again.

 

The blog has become less about deep and meaningful thoughts and more about things that I have enjoyed. And I'm proud of that. Proud of where I have come from and that somehow (with a lot of help from my lovely friends and family) I seem to be getting my life back on track. I can now start planning the next phase of my life. Because I seem to have been on pause for a rather long time.

 

It also seems to have become somewhere for me to share my various craft projects and current obsessions. (Don't forget, I have a book on Celtic Crafts to get through :)).

 

Currently, madam and I are watching Lilo and Stitch on a daily basis and madam asked me yesterday whether her family is broken, I had to tell her that, yes, it is.

 

 

But I told her that really family is about the people who love you and who care about you. And I told her that she had so many people who loved her very much that she was going to wish it was smaller soon enough!

 

And we are going to be ok. The separation we had from K for all the years he was in America was very different from how the situation is now. But we're moving forward. And the more I find myself again, the less he bothers me. I have always known it was his loss that madam and I were his cast-offs, but it was hard to remember sometimes when we were having a particularly bad day.

 

But many things have changed. Madam has grown so much in the last year at school (and not just upwards). She is still as insanely annoying as she ever was, but she is much more able to apply herself to a task and she's learned to show her compassionate side more often.

 

She still has her insatiable curiosity and her complete inability to listen to a word I say...

 

And once she is at full time school come September another new phase of our life will start. I will have to be much more aggressive about looking for work and more realistic about where my life is really going. We still may or may not be moving house at some point (the court case has still not come up). But I am not as afraid about it. I feel more like I will cope with it, whatever happens.

 

I am not as out-of-control as I was. And I have been off my medication for a while without bad things happening to me! I am starting to be able to look forward to where my life might go rather than being afraid of the unknown...    

 



It has to be the end of the manic tidying now, surely!

I have had somewhat of a hectic day so far. My stupid rental agency had scheduled to come around for yet another inspection. And though I had made plans yesterday as usual it didn't quite work out like that.

 

For a start Harry Potter is a very long film and by the time it had finished we didn't have time to get into town before the shop we needed would be shut. So we forced ourselves to make scrummy muffin pizzas (ham and cheese this time) and watch Robots on ITV2+1. Then after we got home madam, for reasons best known to herself, decided to colour her face in blue felt tip.

 

You know when you'd just like to be able to rewind and not have something happen. That. So then we had to have a full on scrub down in the bath. Much to her displeasure. It's not worth explaining to her yet again that actions have consequences. She obviously doesn't hear me.

 

Then she wimped because hadn't had her wall repainted like I'd said I was going to. I pointed out as she'd been to the shop where we couldn't find any paint she should know why I hadn't done it. Sheesh. So then I had to promise I would do it this morning. No fear, I can't be giving the agency any more ammunition against me.

 

So I then went downstairs to start the clean up and promised myself to have at least got started before bed. Somehow it didn't happen, my bum just seemed to weld itself to the sofa. And then I got reading various articles on The Guardian and suddenly it was past bedtime.

 

I dragged us out of bed this morning and made sure that madam had put all her books away and most of her toys were picked up so that I only had to paint in her room after I'd dropped her off at nursery. I then managed to persuade her that she should wear a jumper to school, not just her vest top. Why is it always a fight?

 

Ok, so after she was deposited with her teacher (she became suddenly reluctant to go in) I set off to get more paint. I had to buy a proper tin of paint as there was no small ones available. It was one of those one coat ones (cause I didn't have time for multiple applications) and cost £18! Not massively impressed at the price, though cheaper than Dulux, which is a bonus.

 

I also went to the Post Office to top up the electric meter as we are on the emergency credit at the moment. Only they couldn't get the key to work. So that was a wasted trip. Dashed home, did lots of painting (why is there always more than you thought?) and started on the living room. Now, I have lovely H to thank for the fact that it's actually mostly organised, but somehow there still seemed to be more to do than I wanted.

 

ok, imagine it without that bin bag!

 

 

Finally got it finished and then moved onto the dining room and the hallway. Did my usual whip around and put all the shoes on the shoe rack again. Removed suitcase from the dining room and put it back in my room. Wherein I noticed that for some reason the painted patches in there are really noticeable. Bum. Oh well...

 

Did a bit of kitchen wizardry, swept all the floors and washed down various windows. And then I scarpered. I don't like being there when they come round, it just makes me feel like I'm being judged (which I sort of am, but I'd rather not know about it). I also feel like I've been naughty and that I'll be told off, so avoiding that feeling is def a bonus.

 

I was rather hungry by this point as I realised I hadn't eaten so used that as an excuse to go get a sandwich. And it was vast. With proper egg mayo that had proper bits of ground pepper in :) Perfect. And after I'd eaten and had a quick look in Claire's Accessories, it was time to pick madam up anyway. 

 

We have come up to the rents again as today is water the plants time...

 

I am shattered and my bed is going to be so welcome later! 

making a house a home

The weather has decided to be a little less obliging. It's not as warm and madam and I have gone for discretion as to weather we'll get soaked (it's gone quite dark and foreboding as well). We have had a wee walk already today. Back to our house to collect chargers and things and then up to the supermarket to get some stuff for lunch.

 

Madam is now complaining of being knackered so I'm not sure she'd enjoy a yomp this afternoon. In truthfulness I'm also fairly exhausted. I didn't sleep that well last night. Kept waking up and having to readjust myself. I do hate sleeping in the wrong bed...

 

Also, in a single bed, there is much less room for madam to wiggle round. She did start in the other bed but migrated into mine in the middle of the night as usual. I really have to get her to give up the habit when we have so little space! Funnily enough I'd dropped off really quickly for a change. Quite annoying to not then get a decent sleep...

 

I have to go into town later as well, so I can top up the electric meter and get myself some magnolia emulsion. The rental agency is coming (again) tomorrow and I'm in need of more touch ups to the walls. I have lost count of how many times I've told madam not to draw on them., But it just doesn't seem to sink in :(

 

So after town we're going in for a quick whip around and tidy up. It's really not that bad atm, I've been trying to keep on top of things as much as possible. And although there is loads of laundry still to do, it'll be fine.

 

We're going to watch the first Harry Potter film before we do anything though, I promised madam we would. It also means you get Richard Harris as Dumbledore :) Madam has watched this before but only a long while ago. She is mostly remembering that Dudley gets given a piggy tale for stealing the food!

 

She's also rather taken with him having a bedroom under the stairs... *plots a new home for madams* No, she wouldn't fit in ours! Lol.

(Disclaimer: I would never actually make my child live under the stairs)

 

I am actually blessed with a rather large understair cupboard, I have mainly just been using it for storage. But if it were actually my house you could convert that corner into a rather good office space.

 

You know, I do this all the time. I live in a rental house for a while and then start planning what I would do with the place if it were mine. I think I wish I lived in this house more than I have in any of the others (though I miss the garden from the last one). It's just the right size for me and madam, but it could do with a bigger kitchen.

 

Though for once it actually comes with enough cupboard space for real people it's just short on work surfaces. I would also quite like to explore the attic, I know it's up there, but I've never been. Lack of a proper set of steps. It would be quite useful for extra storage space!

 

Also, then I could paint it some slightly more interesting colours... The magnolia everywhere is a bit boring. I would at least like to make the kitchen yellow and the bathroom a nice blue. My bedroom would probably be a lilac sort of a shade and pale mint green for madam. Not sure I'd change the dining room and I can't think what would suit the living room... Shades of grey maybe...

 

Also its in a good location for us. Not too far from the schools we want to go to and the rents are only around the corner. Town is easy to get to and we're on a bus route. The only bad thing really is how close to the road we are, it's quite noisy too and I worry about madam and traffic! She's pretty good with roads though.

 

But you can't have everything, can you... I'm just sad they still want me to leave :( I still don't want to...


on Guides and their cooking

Apparently I have to start by apologising for my horrendous grammar yesterday! I'm useless at punctuation and was a victim of apostrophe overdose. I do try, but I've never been any good at it. Neither has my dad I might add, but my spelling is usually ok.

 

I have been having a couple of days of butting heads with madam and its getting very tiring/boring. She is refusing to do anything that I ask her to and I'm doing my best not to throttle her. She spent most of today naked as she refused to get dressed. Lovely.

 

I have achieved very little today but I have managed to get the ingredients for the Guides to have their Ready, Steady, Cook challenge tonight! I have got them some French bread, mozzarella, ham, tomatoes and melon. They'll both get the same bags and 20mins each to prepare something with it.

 

We attempted the same idea last week and let the guides bring their own ingredients which was fine to a certain extent, but they did very little with the things they'd brought and we thought they could have put some more effort in. So this week I hope they'll have to think a bit harder.

 

I did also buy them a box of chocolate fingers as a prize :) I totally think the leaders will be knicking some of those. I have got the same ingredients for us to have a go as well! I'm guessing we'll not be allowed to win though :(

 

I'm guessing we'll be going outside to play some rounders as well.

 

I'm watching Pointless whilst I'm writing this and being depressed as usual by the literary knowledge of the contestants. Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet are not from Sense and Sensibility. And apparently only 26 of the hundred knew where they were from *weeps*

 

This is why more people should read!

 

Or at least watch the TV adaptions ;)

 

I have got a letter from the courts telling me that they're applying for me to be removed from my property in 14 days. This is after I've filled in a form and posted it back. I also can apply to have it extended to 42 days. Yay.

 

Life can be so fun sometimes.

 

 

 

  

 

when a birthday comes along

 

 

Ah, birthdays. Always a time of self reflection. I am indeed now into another year and I feel as though I am no wiser and really no further in my life at all, frankly. But in this last year I have discovered an online community of friends that I could only have hoped of.

They give me guidance and support whenever I'm feeling low, particularly helpful after what's been happening in the last few days. They spur me on when I'm faltering and they prod me (virtually) with sharp sticks when I need that kick in the bum.

 

I feel as though my life has been enriched through these friendships and although I have only met a couple of these lovely people in real life (aside from the people I've known for years!) they are helping me feel less lonely.

 

I've been really struggling since Tuesday and it's events but the thing that has been proving hardest has actually been madam. I put in a lot of effort to try and get my house sorted, but madam just constantly destroys things. Or deliberately defaces things. I'm just not sure what to do with her any more.

 

It would be nice to think that I had another parent to help me and keep me going through this extraordinarily hard time. And as I've said before I couldn't imagine life without her. But oh that need for a break can be overwhelming sometimes.

 

Even today, when I just wanted a day without yelling we still ended up having a fight. I know that part of it is that constant, enforced, company we spend with each other. I'm often glad I don't have two to deal with, but a sibling would be nice for her as a distraction.

 

Yesterday as I was trying to get on with something she had gone into the dining room (which has a latch on to stop her) and opened a bottle of white spirit which had a child safety top and emptied it all over. How do I get around that kind of behaviour? The naughty step doesn't really work on her, confiscating things seems to have little effect. I hate myself when I lose it so much I slap her, because I keep telling her how wrong it is to hit people. Not a great example...

 

I got a Kindle today as my gift from my parents, I'm now going to fill it with as much free stuff as I can. Also, someone suggested you could add music, now I'm not sure whether that's possible on mine, but I'm gonna give it a good go!

 

Ok, just a short post today... Got a birthday to pretend to be excited about :)

   

Eviction is a four letter word

photo from twitter @EarthPix 

Yesterday was a somewhat mixed bag. I went to the job centre for my Work Focused Interview wherein we agreed I'm just going to concentrate on finishing college and then when we meet again they might be able to actually help (I don't believe this, I have no faith in the job centre to do anything).

Then I went home and set about the end of project "please don't evict me". I tidied, hoovered, mopped and generally cleaned my little bum off. I don't profess to be a tidy person, so this is really hard for me to spend a whole day doing. But I did my best and the house is transformed from what it was.

However, the nice man from the agency said he was going to recommend my landlord seek possession. And I just don't get it. I know that my version of clean is not perfect, but it was tidy. It was clean. I just don't know what else they want from me. They just tell me it's not acceptable.

Perhaps a big checklist that told me exactly what they wanted me to do to the place might have been an idea. Leave me alone with no guidance and I can only do my best. I'm really upset (as you can imagine). It feels like all the work I've been putting in has been a complete waste of time and I might just as well have left it the way it was.

I'm really pleased with how the house is. It's my house after all, until I leave it again. And apparently I'm going to have to pack my life up and move on again. Especially traumatic as I've read an article somewhere which says how bad that is for small children. This is our third house since she was born already. Number four hopefully will be more permanent.

It makes me feel like such a lousy parent to not even be able to keep a steady roof over my child's head. I find out on Tuesday which school I've managed to get her into. I don't even want to contemplate the fact that just because she has a place somewhere doesn't mean that'll be where she goes.

I really wanted to just bury my head and cry in bed all night. But I persuaded myself not to. And, for the first time in weeks, I actually had my bed all to myself all night. It was so nice to get an uninterrupted sleep... I did slightly console myself yesterday by buying some MJ memorabilia. And chocolate. I really need to get my eating back under control, but it's just not possible while I'm upset.

I am making beef and mushroom pie for dinner tonight. That's sort of healthy at least... I'm very much looking forward to friend H coming next week. It'll be nice to have someone else in the house. And she has good cheering up skills!

My lovely owly friend from twitter posted this link yesterday, which came at an opportune time. It's about how to keep it together when depressed and reading it was good for me. I still am worried that my façade will crumble in an embarrassing fashion in front of someone who doesn't know how hard it was to even get out of bed today.

But I've put on the face that I keep in a jar by the door and I've watched my new favourite TV show the Great British Sewing Bee and I'm going to get through today. It's not going to be pretty, but I'm going to do it anyway. Moment by moment, breath by breath.

Oh, and if you also like the show and don't already know; the lovely Tilly has a blog Tilly and the Buttons. It has some great tutorials and patterns. I've not finished exploring it yet. But I really want to have a go at making the Mathilde Blouse, which she made a version of in the program.

Just need to see if I can get a new peddle for my sewing machine first! Or maybe a new sewing machine... Mine is very small...

Oh. I do wish I had someone to cuddle. I nearly made madam come into my bed last night so that I had that company. I decided against it, and I'm glad. But I'm wary of what will happen if the husband does come to visit this weekend. I'm determined to try and put him off...

It seems ludicrous to have him come up for a birthday weekend with me when I have to try so hard to keep myself on an even keel when he's here. For madam's sake at least. I don't think I could manage it this week, and he absolutely cannot stay at our house this time.

Too many things... Just too many feels... 

project de-hoard is nearly complete

It's Easter! Or the first day of British Summer Time, whichever is more important to you...  I am mainly just thrilled we had a bit of sunshine at long last. I've never thought whether I suffer from S.A.D. or not, but I do always feel so much better when the days get brighter.

I have just about finished project tidy the living room. Which I am feeling fairly proud of myself about. There are still some things I need to go through. I have to do some major hoovering and there's a washing up mountain that seems to have emigrated in there. But, none-the-less, I think I might be on top of it!

So, the before photo can be seen in this post which was almost one of the first I wrote.  I can now show you the (almost finished) results.

 

 

 

As I said, not quite finished yet but all the rubbish is pretty much gone. I'm sure I'll keep finding pockets of it for a while to come.

 

 

The laundry mountain that seemed to have built up in there has also been pretty much cleared and I will go through it and pick out all the clothes that madam doesn't fit into any more. They have a new home waiting for them, which is awesome.

 

I have also managed to get my brother (older) to fix my issues with Office so I can now actually write for this camp I'm signed up to! My friend over at Small Print Larger will be thrilled! It is entirely her fault I got myself into this in the first place.

 

I even have virtual cabin mates... I shall fathom out what I do with this information as we go along... I'm really looking forward to getting started and may well have to start as soon as I'm allowed (midnight).

 

I think I've brought you all up-to-date for now. There will be more, there always is!

 

I wanted to leave you with a picture I'd knicked off Facebook, but I shall let you find it for yourselves. It's on my profile and made me laugh very loudly. :) 

Updates and planning

I'm feeling quite impressed with myself this morning (no, the house isn't tidy, yet). I have various updates and things for you all.

 

I have, most importantly, been to see the council Housing Officer and handed in the form (completed! Woot!) and filled in another form with the chap which was all pretty similar to what was in the other form.

 

This, apparently, forms part of my homelessness presentation. It now goes to the person who does that and she will be writing me a letter telling me what to do now. I will need to get evidence as to why I need the council to house me. I manage to tick a couple of big boxes by having been born in the town and having my parents live here. And apparently madam's schooling will be an important decider too, phew.

 

Next up, I got the shoes! Well, friend Lucy Lockett got them for me. But it all works out the same. She's much better at the whole ebay thing than I am, so now I just need to get the yarn I'm lusting after in midnight blue to make the shawl I'm planning.

 

Then the wedding outfit will be pretty much complete. Still need a bag and possibly some flats for the ceilidh in the evening. But I'm much less worried about those bits :)

 

I've done another swatch for the shawl I'm planning too, as the first one went a bit wrong. I've been using scraps of yarn so this swatch is in a random bright green that I think I got free with something. Here's the swatch:

I've also done actual planning for the week and we have a basic weeks menu plan and the shopping to make it! I will not have to spend the week wondering what on earth we're going to have for various meals. For example, today I'm making my lentil and bacon soup for lunch and then we're having chicken and broccoli pie for tea. Sorted.

 

For years I've meant to do actual menu planning, but never quite got around to it. This is all in my quest for us to get more organised and tidy things up. If I can introduce organisation into one part of my life, it'll filter into the next part... So if I'm not wasting time thinking about what we're having for tea (or whenever) I can do another tidying blitz.

 

So, I'm going back home in a minute and we're doing a 15 minute tidy and then we're (I'm) making lunch. And after lunch I have to go down to the rental agency and tell them my boiler is playing up. Then home for another 15 minute tidy before tea :)

 

Planning, it might yet work... 

28 days and counting

I'm a little upset it's not 4.55 when I'm writing this as the urge to say things about Crackerjack would be hard to resist.

 

I'm at the parents house again whilst planning things for tonight's guide meeting. I have purchased balloons and we've got the introductory activity for our first Girls in Action badge to do today. I need to pick out 2 more activities for the Guides and they get to chose the other one. I am taking the icing biscuits option off the table as I think they spend far too much time doing that anyway (for example one of our young leaders is doing some things with icing tonight with them...)

 

We then get to choose an action such as writing to our local MP or participating in a worldwide photo campaign (which is what I think we should do). There are other options too, but I can't remember them! Ha!

 

More importantly, the badges are quite cool and I really want one!

 

Today is officially the time that I can get the council to act on my behalf about this eviction thing as it's now only 28 days away and I still haven't been told I can stay yet :(

 

I'm still really worried about where I might end up and how the whole thing will affect me. I'm starting to really worry that I'll end up a long way from where I am now without any support network. The isolation potential is the thing that I'm most afraid of... I'm lonely enough already. The only potential good thing about being moved out of my home town is that one of the other places they could place me would actually put me back into my old circle of work colleagues and I would know the place quite well. Still wouldn't chose to be there, but I could maybe cope with it.

 

I am trying not to stress myself out about it but it's definitely affecting me and my tidying has come to a crashing halt, which isn't particularly going to help me stay in my house...

 

I'm taking madam to the cinema tomorrow morning (It's a pound, bargain!) as a treat for passing her next badge at nastics yesterday! Her teacher said she'd done some really good work and was pleased with her. I have also roped her best friend in so that her mum and I get someone else to sit with whilst we watch :) We're going to see Tinkerbell and the Secret of the Wings, definitely not my first choice, but our little girls are both obsessed... I'm mainly just pleased to get out the house...

 

Mum has just provided me with spag bol and I must finish off and head to Guides...