21 May 2013

an embarrassment and some thoughts on babies

I actually am not sure where this post will take me. I've been thinking about lots of things and it remains to be seen which will come to the front of my mind whilst I type!
I am hoping not to ramble too much though... I had a slightly embarrassing incident the other day and it keeps making me feel guilty, so quick confession whilst the mind focuses on something.
The other day I was downloading a free Neil Gaiman short story for my Kindle and it contains an extract from his new book. I clicked on the link just to read the blurb and then madam managed to click on the download option and sent it back to the home screen before I could cancel the order!
Now, it's really not that I don't think I'd enjoy the book, but I wasn't planning on spending £8.99 on a kindle book! So I put out a help message on twitter, cause there is always someone who knows knocking around... And bless him, but the lovely Neil Gaiman actually was the only one who responded to tell me what to do!
Sooo embarrassing! I feel awful about it. Though I am currently reading Neverwhere because I enjoyed the radio version so much. I also have two more of his books on my "to read" pile. But it feels like a bit of a slap in the face for him! *cringes*
You're all thinking I'm an idiot for being worked up about it, but I really respect the dude...
Sadly, my mind has now decided to go blank in regards to actual things that I might want to write about. Oh, except himself is messing with my mind again at the moment.
He is being thoroughly lovely to me and has put some money into my account so I can hire a car and travel down to Bristol to go and see him (and friend L who is having her twins on the 29th May!!!!). <-- Sorry, excessive use of the "!" there, but I'm so excited that I'll be there when she has them!
He's been being reasonable and thoughtful. He actually tried to make all the arrangements himself and then realised I'd need the card I paid with when I collected the car and that wouldn't be feasible... He's been being really helpful and has actually put money into my account so I can sort it out myself. *cries*
I am worried now that if I am actually in Bristol with him my defences will come down again. You have no idea how good it feels to have us all as a little family. But arrrgh... I don't want it any more :(
Or do I? Could I forgive him? Would all my friends and family just disown me for being a complete sucker if I did. He will *always* have that hold on me. And I still like him as a friend. He is still funny and sweet and can be so useful and helpful. And he really isn't that hard on the eyes...
No, must resist...
And I sure as hell DO NOT WANT to have another baby with him. (If I say it loudly I might believe it). Seriously, I don't. I can't be a single parent again. I have so much respect for anyone who does parenting on their own, it is ridiculously hard. Why I would choose to make it harder is beyond comprehension. I struggle enough with my one madam.
Anyone who knows madam, and I love her so freaking much, knows that two of her would be beyond most peoples capabilities! And I know if I were to have another baby whilst I'm still so financially unstable is just completely crazy. I completely believe that choosing to have another baby when I'm already relying on other people (like, the government) to support the one I have is selfish. 
I cannot support madam without tax credits and income support. And my parents. How could I justify another that I won't be able to afford? And himself is unlikely to suddenly wake up and become an actual, helpful, live-in dad.
Though madam's heart would break with joy if he did come back (if I let him). She will never not be a daddy's girl. I can tell.
She and I actually have whole discussions about why daddy isn't allowed to live with us. And then yesterday when I was telling her that we were going to see daddy at half term she asked if we would be staying there forever. I obviously had to tell her no. And asked her what would happen to all her stuff if she did that. She said she didn't want stuff, just a family.
Heart. Small pieces.
How is she so perceptive sometimes? She is driving me crazy asking me to have a baby brother or sister for her... I have told her that just can't happen unless we live with the daddy of this famous sibling she wants. Hence why she wants to live with her daddy, I guess.
At least I have persuaded her she can't have a big brother or sister at last... (maybe). 

No comments: