11 March 2013

quandries of life

I don't like hate, it's such a life-sapping emotion. It takes time and energy and makes you focus on something you don't even like... I do get angry though, and I'm furious with the husband.
Poor madam is STILL upset about his flying visit last week. She had to be forced to school again today and I feel so frustrated. I know she loves school, all her friends and her teacher but at the moment all she wants is to be with me. She is seeing monsters in the dark again and we'd got past that. She hasn't spent a whole night in her bed since he visited. And although she always comes into my bed in the morning it's usually 7am not midnight.
She seemed to have been under the idea that as daddy had been in the house then he'd be staying. All children want their parents together, I understand that, but it's just not going to happen. And she's obviously been thinking about why daddy isn't with mummy any more as she's gone back to telling all and sundry that daddy punched mummy. I had hoped we wouldn't have to go through that again.
I'm struggling to know what to do for best for her, I'm convinced that keeping to her routine as much as possible is the best thing for her. The more she sees that her world is still the same the better it is for all of us. I've been letting her do the things that she seems to need to help keep her safe, she took Pat-a-cake her cat to school with her today. But I'm going to have to let the real world back in soon. She can't learn to wallow, it'll not be good for her in the long run. I need to help her learn that it's ok to be upset but that we have to get on with things at the same time. It feels too young to teach her that, but I guess she was always going to learn it eventually.
And now I've started thinking about what would happen if I weren't here for her any more. Because, obviously, I intend to always be there and always be her mummy, but what if something were to happen to me? I've said many times that I really need to get a will sorted out but I haven't as yet. So where would madam go if I weren't here, because I know who her other parent is... I don't even know if I get to make that choice. My real desire would be that she could go and live with lovely V as I know that she'd carry on where I've left off (though maybe with a bit more focus on tidying ;)). However, I think that would take her too far from all her family and the life that she knows so then my next choice would be my older brother, but he's about to move a long way away as well. (sad face)
I wouldn't want to leave her to my parents as I'd rather she was with people more my age. I think she would probably end up with her Scarborough based godmother, she has experience with kids but won't be having any of her own. Madam loves her to tiny bits and gets on well with the two children that her husband has. And Scarborough isn't so far away that they couldn't make sure she stayed in pretty regular touch with her nanna and grandpa.
It would be nice if I didn't have to think about these things at all, and as I said I'm not sure whether I actually get much say in the whole thing. But I don't want her to end up with her dad as he's proved himself incapable time and again. I'd be worried he'd take her back to Nigeria to palm her off on one of his sisters to look after and then my parents would never see her again.
I really could do with consulting a lawyer about it all. I need to see one to get my divorce in the pipeline too...
Ugh, too much heavy stuff today. My brain is just working triple time. I'll be ok, really. And I know that madam will too :) 

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