18 March 2013

my mistakes and why I don't regret them

I was reading a blog post last night on 10 blog mistakes that bloggers make and it got me thinking about mistakes I've made in my life. Now I'm not a big believer in regrets and I like to think that we wouldn't be who or where we are now without the experiences we've had. I may not always like where I am, but I wouldn't want to change it because, for all I know, I could be worse off!

When I think about my life and the things I most wish I'd not done the first thing that pops up is my time at university. Now I know what you might think, getting an education is important, helping you form as an adult and helping shape the opinions you carry with you for the rest of your life. And for those reasons I'm immensely glad that I did go. But I have never used the degree that I still haven't paid for.

The student debt is forever hanging over my head and although I'm not in a position to pay it off (or to have to) it's another debt I could be without. I wish someone had been there to explain that I didn't have to go to university when I still had no idea what I would do after I'd left. I wish there had been some better careers advice at school. But I ended up drifting and never quite feeling like I fit anywhere because I *still* don't know what I want to do when I grow up.

This is part of the whole not feeling like a proper grown up thing I have going on. How can I be a gown up if I still struggle with something as basic as what role I want to lead in life. No focus leaves me floundering. I'm aiming for working in a counselling role at the moment, but I'm worried this will just be another thing that just doesn't quite work out.

Most importantly though if I hadn't been to university I would probably never have found the courage to do things by myself. I would never have spent time living in Germany, France and Greece because I wouldn't have had those opportunities. I would be even more of a small town girl than I already am. I might have a bit more self confidence, but I would have lost all those experiences and I would never have met the man who became the father of my child.

Massive arc to follow there, but if I hadn't gone to uni I wouldn't have ended up in the job I had with the person I went on holiday with where I met my future husband. See, mistakes can lead to happiness too.

Which brings me to the husband. Was he a mistake? I suppose I would have to say yes, given how it ended up, but the previous point applies here too. No husband, no madam. And ok, I could have been with someone else who I might have had child (ren) with, but I also might have never found anyone who made me feel like I had been loved. Cause, in his way, the husband does love me. I just don't love him back any more.

My other mistakes are mainly small and consist of me not always being very good at being a friend. I've let friends down (I forgot to go to friend Lucy Lockett's bday party once). I've always felt awful about that, but I think she's probably forgiven me by now (we're still friends after all!). But I think my best and dearest friends are used to me by now. They know that I will (unless I forget) always be there for them. There is no reason why time or distance should put a stop to friendships.
My life has been full of things I instantly wish I could take back. But learning to deal with those things and move on is what makes us stronger, better people. I hope that I keep making mistakes and keep growing and learning. It might not always feel great at the time, but it's the best way I know to help you feel alive!

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