17 March 2013

a day off

It's raining again. I'm so bored of rain and snow and damp and cold and Winter in general. I was under the impression that Spring was meant to be in the offing. Obviously that was just a malicious rumour someone managed to start.
I am hoping that it will be cheering up soon as I got madam a new 'kini and we need to go swimming to test it out. I won't go when it's miserable as we have to walk home afterwards and if she's wet she'll get really cross. And I can't cope with either of us getting another cold this month! *coughs* I am a water baby myself so I really love going swimming but with madam I don't actually get to swim, I have to just watch what she's doing and make sure she doesn't drown herself. Boring for me, fun for her. But I do spend my life putting her first, it's hard to be totally selfish and just do things for me. It's probably why I'm constantly frazzled. The only me time I have is after madam is in bed, and then I'm usually too knackered to enjoy it much.
I should really make more of the time I have when madam is at nursery, but I never seem to get round to it. I wish I could remember what it felt like to be properly indulgent with my own time. To be able to luxuriate in an unplanned day and fill it with things I enjoy. Even if that did mean I just sit and crochet whilst weeping at slushy films. I'd like someone else to do all the cooking because even though I really enjoy it, I don't like doing it for small numbers. I love having anyone to cook for, I totally up my game. When it's just me and madam it's too easy to be lazy. I'd like to be able to see my friends (all of them) and go out for a girly meal and possibly a film we all love from our childhood (Grease or Dirty Dancing would be my top choices!) and round it all off with a couple of drinks and a natter (probably with a bit more knitting/crochet thrown in).
Then to bed where I would read a favourite book for a bit and drift off into a properly refreshing sleep. No-one would jump on me in the middle of the night and I wouldn't wake up to find some hot thing draped around my neck with her hands shoved up my top.
If I'm going for perfect days then I'd quite like all of this to take place in somewhere I love dearly like Edinburgh or Whitby or somewhere warmer like France or Italy. I've always wanted to visit New Zealand and parts of the USA or even just Malta or Corsica. I want some warmth and some pampering. I'd like to eat fresh, simple food and drink ridiculously alcoholic confections whilst sitting near the sea somewhere.
All of this leaves out the fact that if I did indeed have a day without madam I would miss her so much she would probably be all I talked about. I've turned into one of those sad people who lives through their children... I'd love for her to be old enough to enjoy all those things with my friends and I, she's going to be such a fascinating character as she grows older. And I hope that she doesn't get that beaten out of her at school where uniqueness is not really a cherishable commodity.
I'm hoping that as she ages she will be able to spread her wings and use all the talents that she's currently nurturing to get her to a place in life where she can be happy, fulfilled and challenged enough to drive her forward. 
I don't want her to wake up feeling miserable about her job and her life and fearing there will never be any way that she can change it. I want her to find someone who loves her for all her quirks and who brings out the best of her. These aren't exactly wishes that are exclusively mine, but I'm hoping that now they're written down and in the real world (as it were) then I can focus on them and use them to motivate myself to help her succeed. I also hope I have the wisdom to know when she wants to do things differently to how I'd like and to accept that as an individual she should be allowed that choice. 
I can only hope that my dreams and hopes for her can be adapted to fit her dreams and hopes for herself. I'm pretty sure that it'll be an exciting ride, wherever she chooses to let life take her.
I'm planning on ensuring my life becomes a whole lot more like a good example to her than the car crash it resembles at the moment. I'm lucky to know that she loves me and I only hope that as she does get older she realises the things that I have tried to instill in her. 
I also hope that she grows up to realise that I did my best. Cause she's certainly the best thing I've ever done.          


No comments: