19 March 2013

anxiety and how it eats into me

I had to go to the council this morning, *had* to. I needed to register as someone who will be homeless soon. Well, hopefully I won't, but best to have that back-up plan actually in place and not just as a theory in my head. This meant facing various types of my own anxieties. I have to say that the major selling point of this plan was that I didn't have to phone anyone. 

I should really have gone yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to. I'm really struggling with my paranoia about being able to manage things on my own. I have to force myself into doing things. I did manage to cook dinner last night, which is something I couldn't manage every day last week and we cheated a couple of times. 

I always feel so much better when I know I've cooked and have control over what exactly madam eats. I prefer to think what I feed her will be healthier than what I just heat up and bung at her. 

But back to my fears about going to the council. It's got many things wrapped up in it. To do with my fears about what is going to happen to madam and I and also with dealing with authority figures. Oh, and I hate (loathe) form filling. The fact you fill out the same information over and over again without seeming to get any further. I started this particular fear when I was made redundant and then the husband was. 

I had to fill in all the forms that we both had. I wrote and wrote and wrote the same things over and over. And with every form I wrote and every time I repeated myself I got more and more wound up about it. Until the point where I couldn't bear to do it any more. And then because I didn't fill in the one form I couldn't fill in the next. And so on and so forth. 

It's why I struggled so long to fill in the forms for my housing benefit and got in such a mess. It's how come I couldn't face sorting out my benefits claims when it all had to be changed again. It's all knock on and the dislike of having to deal with authority stems from it. I'm not sure what I think will happen to me, I know I don't like the condescending looks or the feeling that I'm being judged. 

I feel like I'm not strong enough to deal with it. I want someone else to do it for me! This is really not a logical or helpful mindset, probably comes from a desire to not be the one who *has* to do it again. Again.

The last time I had to go to the council and get my benefits sorted I just told them straight out that I couldn't cope with the form and the man I was seeing didn't even bat an eyelid and just filled in all the sections as we went along. Knowing that I am obviously not the only person who has asked for help with this makes it easier to ask again. 

But I still have a massive (why do they make them so big?) form that I'm to try and fill in as much as I can of before my appointment on Monday. I think I might need some help. Luckily I now have a friend who works for the council contact centre who has said she can give me guidance. Excellent. Not quite someone to do it for me, but close.

So, then there is the waiting. This is the main thing that I have fear with on the phone. When I have time to sit and worry about something that's when it spirals and magnifies and becomes insurmountable. I cannot cope with that void for some reason.

I had to take a number and sit... I did notice that I was the next number so I was able to hold myself together and spent the time finding all the information I knew they would need to see. I managed to make the time pass quick enough and when it was my turn I explained and the lady gave me the now prerequisite form for me to fill. Now strangely having to fill it in whilst she was there seemed to work to calm me down enough to get it started. 

She photocopied my eviction notice and made me my next appointment. I was then left to finish off said form at home (as mentioned above). 

Most important part is that I have done it and now the steps are in place for me to get some more help. Lets just hope I don't have a breakdown with worry over the weekend...

Ok, need something cheery to end on... how about this:

It's a baby turtle on a jellyfish :) Awesome...


No comments: