13 March 2013

deep in the forest...

Suddenly it's Wednesday again... where do my weeks  go? I'm at college again tomorrow and I haven't organised what I need, again... I could swing for myself, I really could.
Anyway, the counsellor and I spent the majority of our session discussing learning to deal with feelings and how the whole thing with my daughter being upset with her dad is a good learning experience for her. I still haven't got as much enthusiasm for it as my counsellor did, but I can see her point. Learning to recognise and accept feelings, whether they are ones we want to experience or not, is how we learn to cope with them.
If we can get to a point where we can accept the emotion, acknowledge it's presence, and then chose to either go with it or against it, then we are getting to a point where we might be emotionally mature. There were never any lessons at school about how to deal with our emotions and what to do with the ones that invade our consiousness in an all pervading fashion. I know that for the longest time I used to (and still mostly do) deal with my emotions through food. Its the only thing that I am comfortable doing.
The more miserable or lonely or sad or angry or bored or any emotion really, the more I use it as an excuse to eat. This is how come I'm now getting to a point where I could be mistaken for the side of a house. And the stupid part is that the general size of a houseness also drives my feelings of unhappiness and makes me eat more. I'm fully aware of this cycle and yet I haven't found a new way to deal with my emotions so that I can stop it.
But this is what the blog and my story (that I haven't written any of for a while, sorry) are suppose to be about. This way to express myself and my creativity should be enough to stop me needing that emotional crutch that I've always used, but it doesn't seem to be working very well yet. I am not capable of leaving my emotions at the door, like some people seem to be able to do. I'm glad that I do have things like my crochet/knitting to help me calm my mind when it just wont turn off, I read and I watch movies that make me cry. I'm learning to accept my emotions as they happen rather than muting them so they creep up on me.
I talked to my counsellor about my nana yesterday too. How I'd never cried about her death, how I'd not even known where they'd buried her, how my grandad dying had at least brought me some closure. But I still think about her all the time, and I still wish that she were here. She would be 86 if she were still alive, and this year is 20years since she passed. It seems so unfair to have lost her so soon when all my other grandparents made it to their 90s. Worse that she was 10years younger than them in the first place. I wonder how my mother will feel next year when she reaches the same age her mother was. And how it will feel if she lives to be older than her (which, obviously, I'm sure she will). I can't imagine how I would cope without my mother, nor how my father would. I can see my moving in with him so that he wouldn't have to be alone.
My goodness I'm big on the deep and meaningfuls this week... It's not planned, I promise. I just write the things that come into my head and then I can read them and file them as dealt with. I need this release otherwise I drive myself insane and I can't sleep for my brain whirling these things around.
And once it starts then it chucks in all sorts of other stuff that I've been avoiding for whatever reason! Great.
I'm trying to think of something positive I can end this piece with, cause I don't like leaving you down at the bottom if I can help it. So remember this, even Pinocchio got to be a real boy in the end!


Louise Parker said...

Hi.i can relate to everything you have said and more.you are an inspiration.be strong you can over come this just as i hope to as well x

Pearl Sanguine said...

Thanks Louise, it's nice to hear I'm helping :)

Louise Parker said...

Ive started my own diary and thats thanks to hannah sharing your blog wirh me.ive had alot to deal with and still am.im going through 30 years of trauma from sexual abuse from my own father,violence fron my husband.troublesome children.money worries.work and obesity