3 June 2013

needed: a different life

Here we are, home in Yorkshire again. And, as it always does, my heart smiled to see the familiar sights and faces. But I do feel, more than I ever have before, that I've left a little bit of my heart down there in Bristol... I do wish I could move down there and make a fresh start in my life.
But then I'd just be running away and hiding again. I'd still have all the same things to deal with that I struggle with now. Only with out the backing of my parents, and boy, do they do a lot of backing up still. They buy my groceries for me every week, now how I'd cope without that input, I don't know, because we never seem to have enough money for everything.
And I spend time paying one thing to stave off disaster but using just a bit of the money I needed for X or Y and then when I have to pay X or Y I need to borrow a little bit from Z... It's never ending and I don't seem capable of getting myself out of that loop. 
For example, my housing benefit doesn't cover the whole of my rent, it leaves me just over £100 short, so obviously that money has to come out of my benefits. I'm meant to pay rent on the 1st of the month, but I'm almost always waiting for some money to come in to top it up to £450... this is because although I have two benefit, a child benefit and 4 child tax credit payments in that month I have always lost some to the rent the previous month and am playing catch up the whole month!
For the most part I use my tax credits as our weekly housekeeping and everything else goes to bills/debts etc. But then madam will need something or we'll rebel and treat ourselves to something. Or, more often than not, something will break (be broken). I'll need to pay an extra bill for something I'd forgotten..
Or boring things like, peoples birthdays, come up. Christmas, Easter, school holidays they all cost. I hate school holidays, I seem to spend money like water no matter how careful I'm trying to be!
Yeah, so my money is always going to be stretched to breaking point. But if I have to do boring things like pay for my own food I'd be in major trouble... 
But I do still want to try living in Bristol for a while, I'm just going to have to be smart about it and ensure I have things like a job and somewhere to live in place before making a run for the hills (as it were). This may mean I don't make it down there for some time yet, but I will. One day.
We arrived home last night to a slight electrical tragedy. In that we had none. And apparently hadn't for more than 24hrs judging from the stink in the fridge! Not great... I had topped the meters before going away but apparently not by enough! I have today had to throw a freezers worth of stuff in the bin. Along with a few disgusting things from the fridge that I probably could have found new lifeforms on!
And I thought about what my life has come to. I think I am at bottom, because other than being actually homeless there isn't much further to fall. I deliberately sat and watched a weepy film last night as I needed to have a release from all the unspoken emotions I've been holding on to whilst with himself.
I realised I'd done that terrible thing of telling my daughter why her father was a tw*t (no, no I didn't say that exactly). But I have been encouraging her to see that he doesn't treat her the way she deserves. I think that was most brought home to me by the fact there was a poor chap who ended up sitting next to her on the way home yesterday. Now this lovely guy spent an hour and a half chatting with her and keeping her amused. Without being asked, without complaining about it. 
See, nice people still exist, I feel you find them more easily with kids around. But I know that K would have spent 10mins and then started getting annoyed with her. Nevermind a full 5hr journey. Now, don't get me wrong, I can't put up with her for 5hrs on a train either. I was *very* glad that this nice man arrived to distract her for a bit.
But on the way down, when it was just me and her, and the train was even more crowded, we managed. I might have shouted a little, she may have sulked a little. But it was ok. If K had done it, there would have been hell on. He can't even drive us anywhere with out losing his temper with her at some point.
So glad he doesn't do it full time. 
It boggles really, he's so good with her when he wants to be. But therein lies the issue. When *he* wants to. Not her. He cannot put others first, he's all about the money and the power and the what does he get out of it. If you're what he wants he's an overwhelming personality. So sweet and funny and kind and caring. Once you're off his radar you might as well have moved to China.
He made madam and I feel like possessions, toys even, this last week. There for him to pick up and play with when it suited him, but not interesting enough to put effort into. Madam said to me "My daddy took me to the cinema" when I asked what exactly he'd done whilst we'd been there. And I said "No, I think you'll find your daddy dropped us at the cinema and then left. Bit like when he dropped us at the hairdressers and didn't come back when he said he would" "Oh, yeah. My daddys a bit rubbish, isn't he mummy?"
"Yes, darling. He is."
Sadly, I don't think I'm going to be spending that long down in Bristol again. I'm not putting madam through that again. When he only gets her for a weekend, he makes time for her much more. So that's what it'll have to be. 
I've forgotten to bring my phone out with me, so I have no new pictures to add today... I'll have to find an old one for you instead!


Imogen Kate said...

Wow that is a thoughtful blog post! I'm so sorry things were a bit rubbishy, and I hope you get to where you want to be. But you know what they say about reaching bottom- the only way is up! Keep smiling :)

Pearl Sanguine said...

Thanks Imi... I keep thinking about how shitty life can be sometimes and then you see some horrendous thing on the news and you wonder what you've really got to complain about. But you can only live the life that's in front of you, and if its running away from you then you still have to find that way out...