I wrote this last night, be aware, a whole nights sleep works wonders!
I
have had the evening pretty much to myself. Madam fell asleep almost straight
after tea at my parent’s house. We left her about an hour and then transferred
her back to our place. I got her straight into bed and read her a story and
despite protesting that she really wasn’t tired after all, didn’t hear a peep
from her after I left the room…
Not
tired though…
I
was downstairs and on my own by 8pm! This hasn’t happened in like, a year. I
gave it a good twenty minutes before I was confident I really could relax. I
borrowed the Hobbit DVD from my parents and have been watching that. I’ve also
been doing some crocheting so I’m feeling quite calm and relaxed.
I’m
making a scarf, not sure why. Just felt like it. I’m trying to practice joining
the motifs as I make them so that I don’t have the boring task of sewing them
all together at the end. It’s going well so far, I think.
I
had forgotten just how good it feels to have the better part of my evening
alone. Especially as, since madam’s bed broke last week, I have to share my bed
at the moment. For the first time in an absolute age I might actually be ready
to go to bed before 2am, even despite all the caffeine my mum has fed me today!
That woman does like a strong coffee…
I
have been left with thinking space, though. And once the film finished and
everything was quiet then my brain decided to start ticking over. And it’s
ticked onto the quietness is bad setting and is now screaming things at me so
loudly that all my nice relaxing is being put to waste.
So
that’s why I’m writing this now, in the quiet and the dark, so that maybe my
brain will click off again soon and I might get that restful sleep I so need. I
have a feeling I might be out of luck.
I
have my music on to push the quiet away, and I’m deliberately listening to
upbeat stuff, I know what my triggers are…
When
did it get to be that the quiet was my enemy though? I like peace and quiet and
seek tranquillity out for the most part. But now I’m suddenly being beaten
around the head with all my negative thoughts and I wish I was somewhere,
anywhere, else.
Want
to know what it is that I’m thinking? Maybe if I write it down I’ll be able to
get it to move one.
First
off, the big one, that hides behind everything I do and is always just under
the surface. I am alone. And lonely. The quiet just brings it out. There is no
noise because there is no-one else here. I am alone because I was left behind
by a man who doesn’t know how to care about me and that I still have feelings
for, even though they are fading.
Which
brings us to: No-one will ever love me because I am obviously unlovable and not
good enough to care about. I am unlovable because I am fat and disgusting. I
should just hide from the world; it doesn’t need me and doesn’t miss me.
I
am useless; I don’t have a job or a purpose and make no contribution. I take
what the state gives me and I give nothing back. I sit on my arse and I let the
world go on without me. Because it doesn’t even need me.
I
am not good enough. I don’t deserve the good things I have.
I
was hoping I might think of some ways of arguing with myself, but it hasn’t
worked. The voices are too loud and I am too weak. I know – I believe – that my
mind is playing tricks on me. But it’s so hard to switch it off… Quick, think
of something positive
I
can’t
I
really can’t
Gah!
Think! Positive!
This
Too Shall Pass
Still
I Rise
I
am strength and resilience…
I
am loved.
And
so to bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment