when a birthday comes along

 

 

Ah, birthdays. Always a time of self reflection. I am indeed now into another year and I feel as though I am no wiser and really no further in my life at all, frankly. But in this last year I have discovered an online community of friends that I could only have hoped of.

They give me guidance and support whenever I'm feeling low, particularly helpful after what's been happening in the last few days. They spur me on when I'm faltering and they prod me (virtually) with sharp sticks when I need that kick in the bum.

 

I feel as though my life has been enriched through these friendships and although I have only met a couple of these lovely people in real life (aside from the people I've known for years!) they are helping me feel less lonely.

 

I've been really struggling since Tuesday and it's events but the thing that has been proving hardest has actually been madam. I put in a lot of effort to try and get my house sorted, but madam just constantly destroys things. Or deliberately defaces things. I'm just not sure what to do with her any more.

 

It would be nice to think that I had another parent to help me and keep me going through this extraordinarily hard time. And as I've said before I couldn't imagine life without her. But oh that need for a break can be overwhelming sometimes.

 

Even today, when I just wanted a day without yelling we still ended up having a fight. I know that part of it is that constant, enforced, company we spend with each other. I'm often glad I don't have two to deal with, but a sibling would be nice for her as a distraction.

 

Yesterday as I was trying to get on with something she had gone into the dining room (which has a latch on to stop her) and opened a bottle of white spirit which had a child safety top and emptied it all over. How do I get around that kind of behaviour? The naughty step doesn't really work on her, confiscating things seems to have little effect. I hate myself when I lose it so much I slap her, because I keep telling her how wrong it is to hit people. Not a great example...

 

I got a Kindle today as my gift from my parents, I'm now going to fill it with as much free stuff as I can. Also, someone suggested you could add music, now I'm not sure whether that's possible on mine, but I'm gonna give it a good go!

 

Ok, just a short post today... Got a birthday to pretend to be excited about :)