Lifestyle - 20 Of My Good Points

Mothers Day! It’s here again. I have been given a lovely card and a pretty pot plant. I have given my mother a different pot plant and a teeny weeny box of Thornton’s chocolates. She told me not to, but I figure a box of 4 can’t be *that* bad. 

I have become very aware this year that not everyone has the same Mothers Day experience to me, so for that reason I shall move on. 

The other day on Twitter I saw a tweet go past asking for help with a bloggers post. It asked for ladies to name five things they liked about themselves.

OK ladies, I need help for a blog post. Can you list five (or more!) things you like about yourself? I can quote you anonymously #lbloggers
— Emma Farley (@EmsLF) March 27, 2014

I thought, sure. Easy. I tried to think of five things and found after I got past the first couple I really struggled. This struck me as troubling. I did think of my 5 things in the end but it made me realise how hard it is to really feel free to like things about you.

@EmsLF my eyes, my sense of humour, my determination, my risk-taking and my creativity. That was hard to think of! #lbloggers
— Pearl Sanguine (@p_gen_says) March 27, 2014

I’ve decided that I will attempt to think of another 15 to make it a list of 20. Emma wrote a full list of 40 things and I thought it was amazing. So, here are the things I’m proud of about myself, I'll start with the ones from that tweet above!

1. My eyes. Really, they may not work so great, but having spent years not really knowing what colour to describe them as in French lessons I have realised how pretty they are.

2. My sense of humour. This is really how I choose to look at the world. I like to see the funny side and I use humour as a defence when I'm uncomfortable. 

3. My determination. This does dessert me sometimes. But I usually do the things I want to do. No matter what. I have never been afraid to do something on my own if it means I get to do the thing I want to. I have flown to other countries where I don't speak the language but mostly I just go to the cinema! 

4. My risk-taking. I think this ties in with the determination thing. I will take a risk on things that others would may be be afraid to. No pain, no gain sort of a thing! (except heights, I'm terrified of heights)

5. My creativity. I love the fact I can create things from nothing to something that is either beautiful or useful and hopefully both!

Right, so on to the next 15 things... I had to wrack my brains pretty hard I can tell you!

6. My eye for detail. I am really good at spotting the little things. Sadly, this usually means I see the tiniest errors in things too! (not always my blog posts, even though I read them through several times!) It does mean I'm really good at spot-the-difference though :)

7. My vocabulary. I am one of those people with a love for words. I like to know where they come from and I love knowing the meaning of peoples names. Pearl, my chosen name, actually is the meaning of my real middle name (complex, huh!)

8. I'm well read. I know I'm on a reading quest at the moment, but I have actually read quite a lot already! Nothing in comparison to some of my friends or my mother, but certainly above the average amount.

9. I speak French quite well. I have always loved learning new languages and French was the first one I was taught at school. I also speak German, Greek and Igbo though none of those awfully well!

10. I am a good listener. I appreciate that I have actually been trained in listening skills, but I had an underlying ability to build upon. And I feel like people can talk to me if they ever want or need to.

11. My loyalty. I have always been a loyal friend and employee. Sometimes to my detriment in regards to working!

12. I make a mean Victoria sponge. Yup, I love baking and a good old fashioned Victoria sponge is my go to recipe. I add stuff to it and play around with it all the time. I also made a rather good chocolate beetroot cake once...

13. I'm quite tall. It annoys me a lot of the time, but generally speaking, being tall is better than never being able to reach the top shelf in the cupboards like my mum!

14. I am loved. It might seem a strange thing to put on this list,  which is supposed to be about my good points. But I think being loved shows me that I am a good person, even when I'm having a down day.

15. I am intelligent. I am conscious that when I put my mind to something I can move mountains. I tend to not let this show too often. Probably a leftover from never being pushed as a kid. But if I really want to, I can work it out. (but not long division, it's a bit of my brain that's missing!)

16. I know loads of useless information. Need someone to partner you on Pointless? I'm your girl! :)

17. I've never had a filling. Brilliant teeth, yup, totally have them! I did have a brace as a child, but that's corrective, not repair work!

18. I always look to the future. I don't dwell on the past. Sure, it affects my life, but I can't change it so lets keep pushing forwards.

19. I can make it on my own. This is a new development for me. Learnt through years of experience. I might feel lonely sometimes and I might wish I had a partner to share things with. But I don't *need* someone. In fact, I can be myself much more easily when I'm on my own!

20. I'm a good mother. I know, this should be the first thing on the list! But I genuinely didn't even think of it when I wrote those first 5 things. I think I place little thought into how my parenting is something I should be proud of, I spend so much time worrying I'm wrong. But I have a beautiful, happy, strong, intelligent, confident little girl. And she wouldn't be like that without me. So yeah, I'm a good mum. And I'm proud of that!

What are your good points? Please feel free to share...

Love, Pearl.

     

A New Year's Eve Summary

It's New Year's Eve today. I am deciding whether to attempt drunkeness on my own or whether it is just quite pathetic to sit alone with a bottle of red wine, a Harry Potter marathon and possibly my five year old...

I will definitely manage the Harry Potter marathon and I'm guessing the five year old will insist on staying up as long as she can... I do have a bottle of red that has been hanging around at home for ages and ages and now seems as good a time as any to drink it.

I have had an interesting year full of highs and lows as ever. I think I can safely say that some of the littlest things have made me most happy. Spending time with good friends, improving my crochet techniques, teaching myself new things, trying new recipes. I think my post from the other day  is probably the best illustration of where I am now.

Although, to be fair, I try new recipes all the time! It doesn't always work as well as I hope it will. Last night's strangely bland potatoes being a case in point. How can potatoes cooked in buttered stock and thyme not have flavour? Well, I achieved it. The experimental barbecue chicken worked a treat though... 

Worst moments? Probably during my college course earlier in the year, it stirred up so many strong emotions in me. I spent a lot of time thinking about myself which, athough in the long term was helpful, was hard to get through. I think this post probably sums up some of that darkness that still haunts me.

Although, those feelings are retreating more and more and I go longer between the utter blackness that surrounded me more times than I care to think about this time last year. I hope that there will be more improvements at this point next year. 

Maybe I'll even have found a job and a new boyfriend! Stranger things have happened after all...

  

procrastination is reaching out!

I could make some joke about windmills in my mind, but nah...

I am a little overwhelmed. I recently checked my spam comments box (I have to say, I had forgotten to do it for ages) and found loads of stuff in there!  If you comment whilst anonymous it puts you in there automatically... There is some lovely feedback and some tips for how to progress. I am really thankful for this discovery as it helps me feel like I'm connecting with people on a much bigger scale than I had thought.

I am glad of this new impetus to keep moving forward. I am feeling a little like I have started an uphill climb at the moment. What with the job hunting that I am doing as well. 

Anyone who follows me on twitter will have noticed a distinct lack of me celebrating getting an interview for the cover supervisor job I applied for (which I wrote about here). This is cause I didn't get one. Even though I thought I had met all their criteria :(

I have emailed them in the hope of getting some feedback but have had no response so far. I have two or three jobs I'm applying for at the moment and will let you know if I hear back from anything. I am getting the distinct impression that being out of work for 5 years might be a big black mark against me. 

I haven't really had much chance to progress a lot further with my current craft project, but am still ahead of myself, so don't feel too worried about it all. I am also planning on how to write it all up so that you guys will be able to read all about it as soon as possible.

I have been doing nothing exciting with my time and am slightly disappointed that my planned trip to the cinema for Classic Movie Tuesday with the We Watch Films guys has been cancelled. This has become my monthly escape and I am now stuck in the house with madam this evening instead. But I am mainly just being moany and selfish, just ignore me... I am *quite* glad I don't have to sit at the Odeon for a few hours though, those seats are still as uncomfy as they ever were...

I think the last time I had been there before the WWF guys showed the Labyrinth was with friend L and we watched the Grease anniversary showing! (I may have completely mis-remembered this event!). I remember going to see the Blair Witch Project there as well...

But I do love going to the cinema and it used to be my bad habit when I lived with my parents. I went 3 or 4 times a week and would think nothing of going from a late shift and then to a midnight showing (obviously not if I was on the early the next day!).

I used to be so up to date with what was around and I still feel that loss of freedom quite keenly. I have to make so many arrangements just to go once a month now, it sucks :( 

Although, I have got a decent working DVD player again and can at least watch stuff in the evenings. I still get stuck with madam's choices after school though! I have vetoed certain films for a while now! We'll be finishing off the film version of the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe this afternoon. We went through the whole of the BBC TV adaption the other day and she wanted to compare! 

I have to say watching one straight after the other really does throw up the "Hollywoodisation" of the film. But I do still quite enjoy it. I have to pretend I don't know the books, but I can just about not throw things at it (unlike friend V!). I do wish someone would make the Magician's Nephew into a film though, I have a real love for that book...

Madam and I went on another nature walk at the weekend and found yet more mushrooms for her to look at. The best was a lilac/grey one we found in the beech wood near my parents. No idea what it was. We never dare pick or eat any just in case they are poisonous. I'd love to go out with an expert and do some proper foraging. I know that we see a lot of parasol mushrooms and as far as I'm aware you can eat those, but I still have that fear just in case we are wrong!

Sadly, I didn't take my phone out with me so didn't manage to get a photo of the lovely purple 'shroom, or any of the windmills we passed on the way home. There are three locally that are no longer in use, but there is a working one locally too (the picture at the top). We need to go back there again. I really want some locally produced flour :)

  

what's in a name?

I've done it. It's finally official. My name is now changed and I am back to my maiden name. Despite my flirtations with changing it more completely I have chosen to merely revert as it's easier that way.

After all, the name I was given at birth is one I will always own and as soon as I sort out my divorce will be available for me to use again. Just this weird bit whilst I'm separated means I needed a bit of paper.

And my friend J, who's a solicitor, drew it up for me over the weekend and I signed it yesterday and that's it. She didn't even charge me for it, bless her. So all of you who had got to grips with the weird spelling that I changed it to can now try and remember how to spell the weird name you first knew me as!

my name is all over this, so excuse the massive amount of blacking out!

 

This new name thing is affecting me more than I thought it would. I woke up this morning with a new feeling of hope about everything. Its like the name has given me some of my identity back, if that makes sense. I feel like, by becoming what I was in the past, I can reclaim my future. My married name had become like a weight around my neck and I felt stifled by it. There was no future in the name so I saw no future in me.

I am reborn. Which is a stupid phrase and has rather weird imagery in my head, but is also the only way in which I can describe it.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good (as someone once sang!). It was the right time to do this. I could have waited, but I needed that line drawn. And now that I am focussing on myself again, at last, I needed to be the real me. I can't imagine starting a new job, a new career as my married self. 

In my mind that is a different person, someone downtrodden and afraid of the world. No confidence, defeated. And I am emerging from that past self, shaking it off, learning and growing and changing.

My confidence went up a few notches overnight too. I feel, finally, like I am worth someone's time and attention. And a someone who is prepared to treat me the way I deserve. I still am unconvinced I'll ever meet that someone, but the ability to dream about it is enough for now.

The main thing now is remembering how to do my old signature! I've had to stop and think about it already! In fact there is a page in my notebook where I've practised it! Like I used to do when I was a kid and pretending I was signing an autograph! (gosh, lots of exclamation marks there, sorry)

I am starting anew.

New name.

New start.

New life.

New hope.

New is good.    

I think, therefore I am...

 
 

 

 

Dear Reader,

 

I have been doing pondering about my blogging again, so I thought today's post should be about that. Rather than more holiday funz with madam...

 

When I started writing I was hoping to manage a post a day, but I guess that was slightly naïve of me, given I have no proper internet access at home (and I don't like the blogger app). But I have managed, for the most part to get out at least 5-6 posts a week.

 

The blog has picked up a few regular readers (Hellooo!) and a couple of people have taken the time out to comment on some of what I've written (thank you). I think I have managed to be vaguely funny.

 

I am missing being able to blog at the moment, it's making me feel cramped and slightly stressy. I also feel like I'm talking about madam all the time when this blog is supposed to be about me. That sounds a selfish statement, but I guess what I mean is that I wanted to use this as a forum for my many and rapid thoughts in order to slow them down and organise them a bit better.

 

But lately (especially whilst we're on school holidays) everything seems to be about madam. And I'm not sure I'm happy with that. I love talking about her, but am aware that that isn't necessarily what other people may be interested in. It's hard when I'm spending all day with her to have space for anything else.

 

And having re-read yesterday's post I realised that I have started to sound like one of those boring people who thrust photos of their kids/pets/holidays onto people. Not cool, Pearl, not cool.

 

I also feel like I've been rushing my posts (mainly because I have) and that they are now not as well structured or sort-of thought out as they were. I have always had a habit of bouncing from one topic to another it's part of why I need to work on my focussing, but it's getting out of hand. I shall strive to be better...

 

And what do I want to do now? Well, I quite want to try and re-focus on my growth and development (I'm trying very hard not to use "personal journey", because, ugh). I'd like to be able to interact more with the people who do read my blog.

 

I see this post as a message to those of you who are interested in me and my ramblings, I want to be something you enjoy reading, not something you do because you are my friend (though I'll take anything I can get!). I'd like to know what it is that makes you bother to read on and what it is that annoys you (constant insecurity on my part, probably).

 

I enjoy writing this blog, and I will carry on regardless, but it would be nice to be able to have a discussion with you all. Through twitter or on here, I'm not fussed. I do promise to stop rambling on about every little thing my child does, though she will still feature as she is good entertainment! But I don't want her to go grow up and be embarrassed about what her mum wrote about her on the internet! 

 

I have tried to put everything that worries me into one post so I don't write another one like this too soon down the line! Basically, less focus on madam and more on what I'm thinking/feeling/struggling with. 

 

Does that sound good to you?

 

(and yes, those are my pondering faces... or perhaps I was bored, one or the other!)     

a review of my life now

a laptop and a coffee cooler, this bloggers essentials (though I only get to drink those when I have enough money!)

 

 

Today is post number 150. Its been making me think about how much this blog has changed since I started it. I started initially in the midst of a depression. I was unhappy and feeling so low and quite worthless. I was living in the most awful mess and worrying constantly about it.

 

I was facing some horrible truths about my life and self and I just didn't know where to start or how I would cope. But I have been doing. And though my problems are still not completely fixed and my house is still something I battle with, I feel much more in control of my life again.

 

The blog has become less about deep and meaningful thoughts and more about things that I have enjoyed. And I'm proud of that. Proud of where I have come from and that somehow (with a lot of help from my lovely friends and family) I seem to be getting my life back on track. I can now start planning the next phase of my life. Because I seem to have been on pause for a rather long time.

 

It also seems to have become somewhere for me to share my various craft projects and current obsessions. (Don't forget, I have a book on Celtic Crafts to get through :)).

 

Currently, madam and I are watching Lilo and Stitch on a daily basis and madam asked me yesterday whether her family is broken, I had to tell her that, yes, it is.

 

 

But I told her that really family is about the people who love you and who care about you. And I told her that she had so many people who loved her very much that she was going to wish it was smaller soon enough!

 

And we are going to be ok. The separation we had from K for all the years he was in America was very different from how the situation is now. But we're moving forward. And the more I find myself again, the less he bothers me. I have always known it was his loss that madam and I were his cast-offs, but it was hard to remember sometimes when we were having a particularly bad day.

 

But many things have changed. Madam has grown so much in the last year at school (and not just upwards). She is still as insanely annoying as she ever was, but she is much more able to apply herself to a task and she's learned to show her compassionate side more often.

 

She still has her insatiable curiosity and her complete inability to listen to a word I say...

 

And once she is at full time school come September another new phase of our life will start. I will have to be much more aggressive about looking for work and more realistic about where my life is really going. We still may or may not be moving house at some point (the court case has still not come up). But I am not as afraid about it. I feel more like I will cope with it, whatever happens.

 

I am not as out-of-control as I was. And I have been off my medication for a while without bad things happening to me! I am starting to be able to look forward to where my life might go rather than being afraid of the unknown...    

 



A design for life

Oh, before I start, this is how the brownies looked once I'd cut them up :) Oh, yes...

 

 

 

Last night I fiddled with the blog (you might have noticed the rather radical redesign). But I'm still not happy with it. Be prepared for me to do more fiddling in the near future. The reason for this faffing about is simple. I'd like my blog to have an identity that matches me. I want it to be completely unique and instantly recognisable.

 

Similar to some of the blogs I most enjoy reading myself. Not similar design wise, distinctive-wise I mean.

 

There's the lovely Tilly and the Buttons, great design. Lets you know instantly what the blog is about. Also, essbeevee who uses her own illustrations to highlight her great fashion blogs. And my personal favourite blog ever Hyperbole and a half who uses her own drawings (again) to personalise her posts.

 

I could go on for hours about unique and distinctive blog ideas. But mostly I'd like some input. What would you think sums me up? I hope you're all drawing parallels with my search for self going along with a blog identity crisis! And I think this is where my issue lies. I am so unsure of who I am and how I fit in the world it reflects on everything else I do.

 

So who am I? I know that this blog doesn't cover anything specific, it's not a fashion blog or a crafting blog. I talk about everything and anything that comes to mind. At the moment I know that I'm going to have to change how dark the background is because although some of my writing probably does come from that dark place within me, it's not what I want to project.

 

I feel like the blog is about growth, discovery, new awakenings, that kind of stuff. But how do I represent that to anyone who might stumble across it one day on their search for something to read. I would like it to really jump out at the reader, though without resorting to the bright citrus colour I've got going on my current set-up! ;)

 

So what can I think of that represents growth and change? What can you think of? I need some serious help! Maybe I should be a bit more open, I'm not sure I've ever shown my face on here, although madam is plastered all over. This is a recurring feature of my life, pushing madam forward and myself back. My college tutor asked if she was more important than me as that's how I seem to act. I didn't have an answer. The logical one is "no", no-one is more important than anyone else, and a child should have respect for their parent (this may be why she doesn't bother to listen to me).

 

But I don't want being a mother to be the thing that defines me. I am so many other things too. Sadly, the first one that pops in my head is "fat" but that's my own insecurities lurching to the fore... I have a nice smile, and beautiful eyes, and a great personality. Nothing else is actually really important.

 

I've mentioned that I used to sketch and this is a collage of some of my old pictures. So could I do some of my own artwork? Design a logo or something...

 

yeah, there might have been a theme to my old past-time...

 

 

I am a crafty type and love creating things in various different ways. I am a Guide leader and enjoy working with that age group of young people. I find them fascinating and so changeable, excited about their lives and what they will be. At that age you can also have meaningful conversations with them! Though I've not managed to persuade any of them just how rubbish One Direction really are!

 

 

 

And that's another part of it. They let me in, I'm not their parent, but I am someone who they can ask about things. I have (finally) been given my leadership training pack and can now work towards my taking over my unit (the current leader has been doing it since I was tiny). I'm quite excited to finally have it as I've been waiting for nearly 3 years! Yes, really...

 

I just need to do my first aid training now...


Update: If you're reading this and thinking, the background isn't dark, she's gone nuts. I changed it again as there were problems with the links!

 

 

on the blocks to studying

 

 

I think that picture completely sums up my studying... I have completely lost all my abilities to do it later on in the evening like I always used to, but on the flip side, I can't settle to it in the day either! Argh.

 

I've been working on the last few bits I need to do to complete my portfolio, but it just doesn't seem to be getting any nearer to being finished off. It's starting to really frustrate me!

 

I was hoping that I'd get the afternoon at college again, like last week, but that has completely not come off as my parents are gardening and need to get it done before the plants my dad has been baking in the conservatory for the last couple of weeks finally give up and die!

 

They also bought a new rose called "Hot Chocolate" yesterday which they have put in the gap the postman (and any other door to door people, of which there are many) uses to go from next door to here. It is very prickly, they're hoping the nice people will stop cutting across the garden and go round...

 

Madam is helping grandpa plant out some bluebells and crocuses atm... I think it's probably a bit late to be planting either, but I feel it's best I don't comment... Speaking of bluebells, I'm hoping to get up to Burton Bushes and show madam the bluebells there. There's usually a really good show at this time of year.

 

Anyway, back to my troubles with studying. I find that having depression means that my thoughts actually swish around in my head similar to an imperfectly set jelly. It won't hold it's shape if you take it out the mould, and we all know about trying to nail jelly to a wall.

 

So, I know all the information is in there. I can recall it when asked a specific question, but if I have to hunt through the contents of my mind to find something and then make it connect to something else it becomes a much more difficult task.

 

And also, because all my emotions are constantly heightened and I'm feeling everything at once some days then I'm shattered from all that effort of making my outside appear normal. The superb Hyperbole and a Half has written an amazing post about processing feelings whilst depressed I'm not sure my depression has ever been as deep as the authors obviously is/was, but the idea of making the effort to appear normal on the outside I identify with strongly.

 

Being shattered plus having no way of pinning down the jelly in my brain is really frustrating me. I have done some college work this week, but I always feel like I'm playing catch up somehow. I am incredibly glad that these blogs count towards my portfolio...

 

The strange thing was that last week at college the rest of the group were made aware of the blog I write and there were a couple who were interested in starting their own. I did say I'm not an expert in it, but that there were plenty of sites that guide you through it all. It'll be interesting to find put how many of them actually do go through with it.

 

Especially as we're having to say goodbye to each other and I know that I will miss everyone in the group. We've become more than just a teaching group. This is probably to do with the very personal nature of some of the things we talk about. The shared experiences we've been through.

 

And I'm so pleased we've made it. I think it seems so long since we started out on this quest. I know how terrified I was of walking in that room for the first time. The fear of the unknown, of how I might be judged. I had no confidence, just the knowledge that I wanted to do this for me and to give myself an experience to be proud of.

 

I was hopeful that it would prepare me for a job within the field and that it would be an extension of other skills that I hold. It was so much different to how I thought it would be, but I put that down to my personal demons than the course. The inner struggle I have constantly to battle with was actually unacknowledged at the start. And after I did seek help things got much easier for me.

 

The tutor has been so good with all of us. I am so appreciative of the extra time she has given me and spent on bolstering my fragile self esteem. I have felt nurtured and cared for which I can't say I've ever experienced from a tutor before. I wish I'd been able to share the things that were causing blocks to me sooner. I might have been able to put less stress on myself.

 

I didn't intend (again) for this post to be so rambling, I do apologise for the lack of focus! Here is a picture of some big cats in boxes to make up for it!

 

 



how does college mix with depression?

I had a good tutorial yesterday at college and managed to get my head organised somewhat. Though I still have a few things to do, I can envision getting to the end of it. The best thing was being told that I could include my blog posts as evidence in the journal writing section.

 

This is great news as I think I write more stuff in this format than I ever did when I was writing the journals. I find it easier to write like this. I guess because there is no pressure to fulfil any kind of brief or to keep myself on topic.

 

As I was walking up to college yesterday I was giving myself a talking to (I do this a lot) and was thinking about the post I wrote about my thoughts on how I see depression and I was reviewing how I'd described it. And I realised that I don't really fit the traditional view in quite a few ways.

 

I've always heard depression described as being at the bottom of a black hole trying to see the light again. Of the perception of depression as a black dog. As I mentioned I see it more as the Nothing from the Neverending Story than as a dog.

 

But then I thought about the whole being in a pit of despair thing, and it's not how I see it. I feel more like I'm on top of an incredibly high mountain, in the dark and I need to get down and I can't. I've been terrified of heights (well, falling) for as long as I can remember and yet I've never been afraid to climb.

 

So I feel like I've done what I used to do as a child climbed too high up a tree and now I'm stuck. I can't come down as I'm afraid to fall but I can't stay where I am either as it's not safe for me. I'm also enveloped by this all consuming darkness so I can't even see if there's a safe path for me to use.

 

When I was younger and stuck up a tree whilst playing out with my brothers then my older bro would climb to where I was and show me where to put my feet and guide me down step by step.

 

I feel like I still need that intensive support to be able to find my way from where I am to where I want to be.

 

My poor tutor yesterday had to sit over me and make me fill in the worksheets that I had missed. I wish I'd been able to ask for her help earlier in the process as being able to explain myself was helpful and helped lift the blocks I've been putting in my own way. I have one that I need to decide what to do with still.

 

It's about Guilt. And I can fill it in or not. Or I can write on it about why I can't fill it in at this time. And I don't know what to do. Filling it in is not really an option as I'm afraid it would open a floodgate that I might not be able to get closed again. So I could just remove it from my portfolio, but I fell I would be cheating to do that. So I guess I'm left with having to write why I can't fill it in.

 

And I guess I have to remember that this portfolio is really for me. Not anyone else. It's my handbook, my evidence that I do know what I'm talking about (mostly).

 

So I guess I better go and do that...

on relationships and a dream man

 

 

 

I had a really good chat with one of my college friends last night and we both discussed how we seem to have picked similar men to each other. Charming and funny, caring and kind and then turning into something completely different over time.

 

We were saying it was strange that we should be sad over the ending of bad relationships as it doesn't seem to make sense. I was impressed by how determined my friend was to toughen up and get over what had happened and move on. Onwards and upwards, as they say!

 

I, however, still haven't got on with sorting out my divorce. It's quite far down my list of priorities at the moment. I still feel it's fairly important for me to get my house and finances sorted first. And to be fair, the longer we're separated the easier it is for me to claim full custody on grounds of abandonment as well as because of the violence in the relationship.

 

Not that he seems to be considering this idea at all yet. He still seems to think I'm about to forget what happened, forgive him and have more babies with him. Apparently, he thinks pigs fly as well, so that might explain it! As a friend of mine says, he might have got away with leaving me as a single parent once, but letting him do it twice would be my own stupid fault!

 

I have to confess that the idea of having any more children with the same father as the child I already have is more appealing than having multiple fathers. But I don't want to have to have him in my life any more than is necessary! And plus, do I really want to give another child a pathetic excuse for a dad instead of having one who's actually going to be there for their child. That'd be a no...

 

I can't say I'm actually looking for another boyfriend at the mo, again, I have other priorities. But it would be nice. It might even spur me on to sort out the divorce thing!

 

It would be nice to have a person I could share things with again. To have someone to be there for me and help me make decisions. Someone to make me smile and to support me when I'm low. And it would be nice if they actually appreciated my intelligence and saw it as an asset, not something to be jealous of.

 

And if they were quite nice to look at, that would be a bonus! ;)

 

it's been six months already

It appears that blogging keeps me sane. I don't like missing a day, it makes me panicky and stressed. This might not be entirely healthy. But I am off my Prozac which probably explains it.

I decided that I had to just come off it and see what happens. I can always start it again if I feel I need to and at least now I'm less worried about asking for more. But I like knowing that my feelings are all my own again and nothing is being fiddled with.

I think the blogging helps me to organise my thoughts in a way that I'd tried to do by writing them out before. But that never seemed to work for me, and I never seemed to be able to keep it up. This way, where I know people are reading what I'm thinking, encourages me to keep sharing.

I've had a couple of people get in touch to say that this blog is helpful to them in small ways and that fills me with joy. I know it's hard to keep going every day and I know it's hard to understand how other people are really feeling.

I think that being able to share some of the things that lead me to my way of thinking and what the procrastination really is can only helpful. My procrastination is the big curse of my life, but I'm much more aware of what it is and how it's actually a way of helping me. It's just a false friend and I need to learn to conquer it.

Because who needs a friend who helps you get into more trouble but makes you feel comfortable about getting there. Even if I never learn to "just do it" as some of those terrifying really organised people advocate, I do want to change and learn and grow. I'd love to at least get better at the whole organising thing!

The one thing I have noticed is that my sense of humour seems to be coming back to me. I use humour as a defence mechanism and always have done, but having not had a reason to just let loose and have fun I've not been just my usual self for ages.

And it's always when something comes back that you realise that it had gone in the first place. A bit like when I had my breakthrough at the end of last year and spent the night dancing around to very loud music (on my headphones). I realised that in the 6 months since I'd moved into that house this was the first time I'd blasted music and just danced.

I'm a dancer in my soul. I used to do ballet as a child and all the way through my teen years I danced in my bedroom, singing into a deodorant bottle pretending I was on stage in front of a massive audience. I still let loose and sang and danced whenever I had the house to myself right up until when I had madam. Then, obviously, I was never alone.

But I would put the music on my headphones as I walked her round for her afternoon nap in her pushchair when she was tiny. And I found myself dancing around the aisles of various shops mouthing the words only I could hear. In fact I'm doing chair dancing even as I type this!

And when she got big enough that I couldn't even have that headspace whilst she had an afternoon nap (and she stopped going in the buggy by the time she was 2) I danced at night when she was in bed, before I went mostly. I would put my headphones in and some slow songs on whilst I got ready for bed and then by the time I was upstairs and putting my pyjamas on I was on to the fast stuff and a quick dance before bed.

Sometimes that quick dance round my bedroom would last a couple of hours!

And then we moved house and somehow, with all the stress of moving and then himself coming home and then leaving again I lost that bit of myself too. All those little bits of yourself that you don't even know were the things that you needed to keep your sanity...

And I lost them. I lost my sense of fun, my music, my inner voice, my sleep patterns, my vague sense of cleanliness, my hope, my confidence. Just little bit by little bit. And I didn't even notice them going until they were lost. And I was in a café crying because I just didn't know how I was going to get through.

And then I was picked up by my friends, who hadn't known how bad it was. By the medical profession who helped me find that even keel again, by the Citizens Advice Bureau who showed me how to start. And by my parents who'd been worried but hadn't known how to approach me (I can be very stubborn).

So, as it is six months since I started on the road to being me again I guess it's time to start being me. No drugs. Just me.

Hello. How're you?

project de-hoard is nearly complete

It's Easter! Or the first day of British Summer Time, whichever is more important to you...  I am mainly just thrilled we had a bit of sunshine at long last. I've never thought whether I suffer from S.A.D. or not, but I do always feel so much better when the days get brighter.

I have just about finished project tidy the living room. Which I am feeling fairly proud of myself about. There are still some things I need to go through. I have to do some major hoovering and there's a washing up mountain that seems to have emigrated in there. But, none-the-less, I think I might be on top of it!

So, the before photo can be seen in this post which was almost one of the first I wrote.  I can now show you the (almost finished) results.

 

 

 

As I said, not quite finished yet but all the rubbish is pretty much gone. I'm sure I'll keep finding pockets of it for a while to come.

 

 

The laundry mountain that seemed to have built up in there has also been pretty much cleared and I will go through it and pick out all the clothes that madam doesn't fit into any more. They have a new home waiting for them, which is awesome.

 

I have also managed to get my brother (older) to fix my issues with Office so I can now actually write for this camp I'm signed up to! My friend over at Small Print Larger will be thrilled! It is entirely her fault I got myself into this in the first place.

 

I even have virtual cabin mates... I shall fathom out what I do with this information as we go along... I'm really looking forward to getting started and may well have to start as soon as I'm allowed (midnight).

 

I think I've brought you all up-to-date for now. There will be more, there always is!

 

I wanted to leave you with a picture I'd knicked off Facebook, but I shall let you find it for yourselves. It's on my profile and made me laugh very loudly. :) 

How many words can I write in a month?

I have signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo. It commits me to attempting to write 50,000 words in the month of April. NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. I think it's actually an American thing, but my friend had signed up and wanted some support.

 

I was going to use the opportunity to focus a bit more on my Storm in the Shadows story and help develop it a bit further. I think I might be slightly cheating to have 5 chapters completed already... but hey!

 

I am, however, not going to be writing anything until I can get my Word programme to work again. It (and the rest of my Microsoft Office Starter 2010) has decided not to work. I have tried running the troubleshooter thingumy in Control Panel but it hasn't achieved anything.

 

It said it needed to submit error reports and then said that it couldn't send all of them. Try again later.

 

Argh!

 

I now can only use wordpad and I don't like doing that... (picky, I know)

 

I also need to plot out where the story is actually going as I'd kind of written myself to a full stop when I was writing earlier. I need to decide what will be happening to my main characters and I should maybe try to think up the next clues (and their solutions).

 

I have to say I was really enjoying the writing as it was quite nice for me to have to stretch myself and actually think hard. I also quite like the idea of being in charge of these people and who they are. It was nice to be in control of something.

 

I think, however, that the rest of my day is going to be taken up with more tidying and hopefully this should be the last session. Well, in the living room anyway. I need to remove all the stuff that is in there that shouldn't be.

 

I filled a bin bag just with extra yarn and crafty projects that seem to have found their way into the room. There is also goodness knows how many soft toys spread around the place along with various other toys and dolls.

 

I did put some laundry in before we came out earlier, but there is at least another load hanging around waiting to be sorted. It's a good job my electric is working, even if the boiler isn't!

 

I need everyone out there to cheer me on with writing this novel, I shall post the new chapters as they're finished. Please feel free to critique them and give me pointers. I may even print it all out if you ask me nicely enough! ;)  

knitting, crocheting, and me

Today is all about knitting. I've been a knitter for a couple of years after being introduced to it by my friend V. Well, she didn't actually introduce me to it, just prodded me in the right direction (she's an expert at prodding! ;-D).

 

I was first taught to knit when I was about 10. I was given, as a birthday present, a first knitting set and I was really keen. However, my skill was not great. If you'd wanted to have your knitting with random holes and without the same number of stitches on two rows together, I was your girl. It made me very frustrated. I gave it up.

 

And that was how it was for a long time. I'd written knitting (and most crafting type activities) off as something that just wasn't really me. But I come from a knitting family so it was something that niggled at me. And then I got pregnant. My mother went into Nanna mode and knitted a little outfit to bring madam home in.

 

And I was really jealous that I couldn't do it. And when madam was little it really niggled that I couldn't knit for her in the same way I'd had things knitted for me. It was then that V and her new-found skill came in. She was very passionate about it and waxed lyrical about a particular book she had. She then gave me a copy for my birthday :)

 

And that, as they say, was that. I was hooked, I set off on this quest to work through the book and knitted lots (and lots) of things for madam. And then I branched out into magazines and patterns from my local yarn shop which meant I introduced myself to some more complicated patterns.

 

In the first year I'd made 3 cardigans, a dress, a tank top, various hats and scarves, and a few other little bits and pieces. I absolutely loved the feeling of producing something from very little. I had really been bitten by the bug. I spent hours happily knitting away. I found it a really helpful way of relieving stress.

 

But I've slightly stopped at the minute, I've also moved on to crocheting at the moment. It's easier to pick up and take places with me when I need a project to be getting on with.

I'm currently crocheting two blankets for my friend who is expecting twins in June. One is orange and the other is red (my friend chose the colours). Each blanket is being made with 3 different shades. I've finished the orange one, and am half way through the red one (though I don't think I have an up-to-date photo of that one).

 

So, this is the orange one:

 

 

 

And this is the start of the red one... I've done quite a bit more since this was taken though...

 

 



 

 

I'm quite pleased with how well they've both turned out. And I hope my friend will love being able to wrap her twins up all snuggly and safe :)

 

I'm really enjoying the crocheting and I'm thinking of making myself a shawl to wear when I go to my cousins wedding in September, might be a bit hard, but I'm happy to give it a go... :)